Please Tell Me Why This Sucks

Ross Bowring

14 years ago

Steve... one mega-paragraph after the next makes it a daunting read.

--- Ross

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Steve Faber 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

Steve... one mega-paragraph after the next makes it a daunting read.

--- Ross

Daunting isn't good when describing sales pages....
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- Ross Bowring 14 years ago
  
  Agreed.
  
  Think about the type of text people are used to reading these days.
  
  Facebook status updates. Tweets. Short. Sweet.
  
  Spread that copy out so it doesn't look like a letter from Marx to Engels.
  
  --- Ross
  
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abugah

14 years ago

Headline doesn't seem to grab anyone. Get specific. What exactly are you trying to say in that headline?

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Steve Faber 14 years ago

Originally Posted by abugah

Headline doesn't seem to grab anyone. Get specific. What exactly are you trying to say in that headline?

What about this one:
"Online Marketers - You're only one click away from unlocking the online marketing secrets, tips, tools, and strategies you need to catapult your business to the next level and beyond... and I haven't even told you about the real power lurking inside."

Does it speak to you if you're my target market, and make you want to read more?

That's what I've always used headlines for, to get the prospect to read the next paragraph or two, which should make you read the next, and so on...

Does the headline do that, or should I scrap the whole thing and start from a different direction?
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Steve Faber

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Interesting use of bold print.

Interesting as in interesting, or interesting as in "What the hell were you thinking?"

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

To add to what Ross/Ken have said, use subheads to break up the paragraphs.

Also... I'm not seeing any reason why I should pay YOU $20/month as opposed to anyone else. What credibility do you have that makes you worth listening to?

-Daniel

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Johnny12345

14 years ago

A few quick tips...

1) The headline really isn't much of a headline. It's more like a paragraph. Make it shorter and easier to digest at a glance. The point is to get them interested.

2) You need subheads. They break the copy up into logical blocks and help catch skimmers.

3) You need MORE white space. As it is now, your copy is very hard to read.

4) You need to be more concise. Your copy has too much "wind-up." A lot of copywriters do that -- they use long introductions for each idea they present. Instead, just get to the point.

Hope that helps.

John

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Jake Dennert

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve Faber

Please tell me why this sales page sucks...

Hey there Steve,

Other than what's already been suggested, I noticed something else right away:

Towards the bottom, the "flow" you've got goin' on is...

Price Introduction >> Product Image >> Call To Action >> Guarantee >> Order Button

What's missing?

Well, I honestly think the order that you've got things laid out is a little off-the-mark... but the "biggie" in my mind as to what's missing is a P.S.

No sense in me harpin' on how crowded the whole page looks, as those who've commented before me have done that...

...but visitors tend to scroll on ANY page, even when everything is laid out in an easy to read format.

IMO they'll REALLY scroll on yours... which is all the more reason to have a strong P.S. at the bottom -- repeating the biggest benefits/unique aspects of what you're offering, recapping what you've just told them, and offering up one more call to action.

Does it suck? Nah, I wouldn't say that.

Just needs a little work, that's all.

You'll get it Steve, you'll get it.

-Jake Dennert

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Steve Faber

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Jake Dennert

Hey there Steve,

Other than what's already been suggested, I noticed something else right away:

Towards the bottom, the "flow" you've got goin' on is...

Price Introduction >> Product Image >> Call To Action >> Guarantee >> Order Button

What's missing?

Well, I honestly think the order that you've got things laid out is a little off-the-mark... but the "biggie" in my mind as to what's missing is a P.S.

No sense in me harpin' on how crowded the whole page looks, as those who've commented before me have done that...

...but visitors tend to scroll on ANY page, even when everything is laid out in an easy to read format.

IMO they'll REALLY scroll on yours... which is all the more reason to have a strong P.S. at the bottom -- repeating the biggest benefits/unique aspects of what you're offering, recapping what you've just told them, and offering up one more call to action.

Does it suck? Nah, I wouldn't say that.

Just needs a little work, that's all.

You'll get it Steve, you'll get it.

-Jake Dennert

Jake,

Thanks for the suggestions.
I can't believe I overlooked the P.S. I usually use one, since it's the one thing besides the headline that's likely to get read.

Nice catch.

Thanks,
Steve

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maximus242

14 years ago

I found it difficult to read. Perhaps better formatting is a good start. Whitespace is a good thing you know.

I found myself confused. I also had a hard time telling what was a testimonial. Try emulating something from Clickbank. You need a good designer because your copy aint worth **** if no one can read it.

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Steve Faber

14 years ago

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

I've made significant revisions. Any better?
http://www.onlinemarketingunlocked.c...p/join-us-now/

Thanks again,

Steve

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Hans Klein

14 years ago

Hi Steve,

You really need to go through each sentence and see how you can cut out words and simplify each sentence. Short sentences are your friend.

Other than that... your benefits are very generic. There's nothing unique or compelling. For instance, you say you have content from some of the best minds in online marketing. Who are they, why should the reader care about them, and get more specific on what they deliver inside the the site.

You're charging $20 a month, but you haven't made a strong case why I can't get the information elsewhere. Why does someone NEED membership into your site?

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maximus242

14 years ago

Your copy is still too dense. Your paragraphs are too dense. Go look at some of John Carltons stuff.

Also your headline formatting is cutting off the top of the headline making it extremely uninviting to read. Why have you formatted your page this way?

Look at this, now this is a thing of beauty Marketing Rebel

See that sales letter, at first you dont even know its trying to sell you something, sneaky isnt it? And on top of that, its extremely easy and comfortable to read. Make your ad look identical to that one.

You notice something about it? The paragraphs are tiny and theres a lot of whitespace. Theres a reason for that, more people will read it if you format it that way.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

The page is a mess. Its very hard to read and rambles all over the place. You need to simplify it - tell us what you have...what it does...why our lives will be so better if we have it too...the price and where to get it.

It gets off to a bad start with that pretty ordinary headline. (The top of the headline is clipped on Firefox, BTW).

A headline should grab your viewer by the cojones. This one doesn't. It says something about catapulting your business to the next level and then alludes to some stellar content you have inside. Ho hum. Lost me right there. Then you go on to bore the socks off me in the rest of it.

Yeah - I'm cruel aren't I.

The penthouse line got me going. I've always wanted to use this in a salespage -

How I went from the Sh*thouse to the Penthouse

(and probably some chancer will nick that and put it on his crap WSO)

So...I dunno. There's a lot of work to get this right. It needs a complete re-design and a complete rewrite.

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Anomalous 14 years ago

I found that my short attention span was not alleviated by this sales copy. I stopped reading once I reached the end of the bold text.

What did hold my attention, however, was all of the responses in this post where I believed I may learn something that will help me make more money. Your copy did not inspire this feeling. A different approach is necessary when you are pitching to other internet marketers. Hype will shut them right down and they'll click "back" at the sight of such a sales letter.

You are an internet marketer. What do you want when you visit a MMO site?

I recently encountered one that makes me want to spend money. It is swissmademarketing.com. I am not affiliated with this site. The great thing about this site is how much value they give away for free.

Start your sales letter by offering real value, not trying to hook people with hype. Take a bit of your marketing wisdom that you really, really want to get paid for sharing with people, and then give it away for free. No strings attached.

This will create excitement, and open the reader to some basic, no frills features/benefits based selling.

IMHO, lengthy sales letters are a thing of the past. Think of how often you tune out advertisements yourself, and consider that your readers share this trait. Present yourself to them as their coach, someone who has been there, and share your experience.

Get real honest; talk more about yourself and less about your product.
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Steve Faber

14 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

The page is a mess. Its very hard to read and rambles all over the place. You need to simplify it - tell us what you have...what it does...why our lives will be so better if we have it too...the price and where to get it.

It gets off to a bad start with that pretty ordinary headline. (The top of the headline is clipped on Firefox, BTW).

A headline should grab your viewer by the cojones. This one doesn't. It says something about catapulting your business to the next level and then alludes to some stellar content you have inside. Ho hum. Lost me right there. Then you go on to bore the socks off me in the rest of it.

Yeah - I'm cruel aren't I.

The penthouse line got me going. I've always wanted to use this in a salespage -

How I went from the Sh*thouse to the Penthouse

(and probably some chancer will nick that and put it on his crap WSO)

So...I dunno. There's a lot of work to get this right. It needs a complete re-design and a complete rewrite.

Is this Headline any better?

"Two Dollars and Two Cents???" My Wife Said WIth a Sick Laugh...... As She Saw My Daily Stats. That Was Then, Now Online Marketing Pays the Mortgage, Car Payment, Insurance...and More...It Can Do That For You NOW.....

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve Faber

Is this Headline any better?

"Two Dollars and Two Cents???" My Wife Said WIth a Sick Laugh...... As She Saw My Daily Stats. That Was Then, Now Online Marketing Pays the Mortgage, Car Payment, Insurance...and More...It Can Do That For You NOW.....

It's got more juice if you turn it around. Then maybe talk about how frustrating it was at first - only making a couple of bucks a day.

"Five Hundred Dollars a Day???" my wife said with a sick laugh.

"You're making that each and every day?"

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mariazz

14 years ago

from i have been noticed there are lot of fonts you are using, and to many words to read. Be specific yet tell something that can easily be understood.

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travlinguy

14 years ago

It doesn't suck at all. But as everyone has already said, it needs a lot of editing, cutting. Take this part of your headline for example:

"..and I haven’t even revealed the real power lurking inside.”

It does nothing for you except make an already long-ass headline even more awkward. It's vague, meaningless without the proper context. Dump it.

And your bullets aren't bullets at all. They're installments for a freakin' mini-series. Bullets are supposed to be exciting, consice and appealing. They're supposed to convey a single idea. There is a bullet in each of your little paragraphs. All you need to do is liberate it.

What you have is good overall. But it's still very raw. It needs a sh!t load of editing and cutting. Good luck.

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