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Please critique this one sentence...

by TimothyW
35 replies
This is for a t-shirt...

"I helped show the world how wonderful capitalism is."

Problem I have is, it's not dramatic enough (wonderful is too wimpy a word).

Also, ends in "is." Grammatically, that's a no-no (even though I know grammar can be thrown to the wind in copywriting).

What this is about: I'm arranging a humorous, yet real/serious real-time, online, ongoing demonstration of how PURE capitalism works (aka profits + "greed"). People can participate online + get a nifty t-shirt as a reward. Kinda like getting a t-shirt for doing a 5k fun-fun running race for a cause.

I want the words on the t-shirt to reflect the entire project in a simple way they can remember it by. But the sentence I came up with seems too wimpy to me.

Please advise.

Thanks!

-- TW
#critique #sentence
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    How about a take-off on the Ivory Snow tag line?

    "Capitalism: 99 44/100 Pure!"

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author ericbryant
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      How about a take-off on the Ivory Snow tag line?

      "Capitalism: 99 44/100 Pure!"

      Alex
      I LOVE that! If Tim doesn't use it, can I? LOL
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      • Profile picture of the author Verisimilitude
        Well, if you're catering to a specific crowd that already firmly believes in capitalism....

        "I taught the world about financial Darwinism".



        Or maybe some other sort of "survival of the fittest" theme pertaining to money/finance/economics.

        Best of luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author TimothyW
    Thanks. I forgot to mention, the domain name is the tag / punch line. So, I already have that. It's the literal part (descriptive) that I need. A one-sentence description of what they actually did. Nuts 'n bolts -- literal.
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  • Profile picture of the author wilder1047
    "I helped show the world how capital capitalism is."

    I in no way belong in the Copywriting section of this forum, but thought I'd throw something in for the heck of it!!

    Haha, good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    How about...

    "I helped show the world that capitalism is awesome."

    John
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  • Profile picture of the author TimothyW
    That's good John - thanks. On the right track. I'm not looking for clever. I'm looking for punchy + powerful.

    I helped show the world the awesome power of capitalism!

    or

    I helped show the world the incredible power of capitalism!

    That might do it!

    Any other ideas out there?

    -- TW
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Capitalism? You're standing in it



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  • Profile picture of the author abugah
    Here is my guess...




    1. I have shown the World the wonders of capitalism
    2. I have shown the world the marvels of capitalism
    3. Capitalism is wonderful
    4. Capitalism is marvelous
    5. Capitalism is wonderful I show people all the time
    6. Capitalism is wonderful as I have shown the World
    7. Want to know the wonders of Capitalism?
    8. Take it from me Capitalism is wonderful
    9. There is no denying Capitalism is marvelous
    10. Don’t be fooled Capitalism is wonderful
    11. Clearly Capitalism is wonderful
    12. Believe me Capitalism is wonderful
    13. Do you know the wonders of Capitalism?
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Ceskavich
    I Shrugged.

    - Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      "Capitalism... F**k yeah!"

      "CAPITALISM... because no-one should have to live in lower case."

      "Damn Capitalism... (then on back of T-shirt) you so fine."

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author JoniWBeadle
    Hi TW, love it!

    How about: I Support Capitalism. It's Free. Are You?

    Just a thought...
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  • Profile picture of the author Kharma
    Capitalism helped show me the world.

    I am showing the world Capitalism and its daunting ways.
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  • Profile picture of the author Long Beach Nathan
    How about:

    "I Helped Show the World How Empowering Capitalism Truly is."
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  • Profile picture of the author Tricerra
    Courageous
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  • Profile picture of the author TimothyW
    I helped show the world capitalism is wonderful.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Bill D.
      "I helped show the world capitalism is wonderful. "

      Whichever phrase you use, just make sure you put a picture of Obama's face on the shirt, for extra oomph!
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  • Profile picture of the author khaiyong
    How bout "Capitalism rocks. Ask me why." ?
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  • Profile picture of the author stevenalowe
    Originally Posted by TimothyW View Post

    This is for a t-shirt...

    "I helped show the world how wonderful capitalism is."

    Problem I have is, it's not dramatic enough (wonderful is too wimpy a word).

    Also, ends in "is." Grammatically, that's a no-no (even though I know grammar can be thrown to the wind in copywriting).

    What this is about: I'm arranging a humorous, yet real/serious real-time, online, ongoing demonstration of how PURE capitalism works (aka profits + "greed"). People can participate online + get a nifty t-shirt as a reward. Kinda like getting a t-shirt for doing a 5k fun-fun running race for a cause.

    I want the words on the t-shirt to reflect the entire project in a simple way they can remember it by. But the sentence I came up with seems too wimpy to me.

    Please advise.

    Thanks!

    -- TW
    Two suggestions, off the top of my head -

    Capitalism: It provides your dinner.

    Capitalism is the worst economic system, except for all the others.
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  • Profile picture of the author Perseus Shearer
    I put the "capital" in capitalism?
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  • Profile picture of the author brightmarketing
    How about...

    "I helped show the world why capitalism ROCKS!"
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Greed is Good
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  • Profile picture of the author Barry Unruh
    Capitalism: Your Choice, Your Freedom, Your Wealth

    Capitalism: The Key to Escaping Your Socialist Prison

    I Came, I Conquered, I Am A Capitalist

    Socialists Fear The Freedom of Capitalism

    Capitalism: Put Up or Shut Up!
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Stuart Kelly
    Timothy,

    I don't know if there is still time, but here's an idea.

    I think your focus is on the wrong thing if you want to make this turn into a meme or buzz-phrase. You are focusing on capitalism per se, i.e. trying to explain what capitalism is within a phrase, or trying to say how wonderful it is.

    I think you need to focus on the person wearing the T-shirt, not the issue. Everybody knows what they think capitalism is (some are pro, some are con, some are indifferent, and many are confused), so to get PR attention, you need to get them to ask a question, not agree or rebut.

    I read somewhere that using questions is interactive copywriting. (It might even be called direct response. )

    What better place to use question as a strategy than make people wonder about someone's opinion and acts? Like when it is in-your-face on a T-shirt?

    So I suggest something like this:

    "I struck a blow for capitalism."

    This should make the user feel proud and macho or whatever. And it conveys participation in something. (If you want to brand your event, include a logo on the T-shirt with date or whatever.)

    People who hate capitalism will ask WTF? Maybe challenge the person.

    People who love capitalism will wonder what the person did and maybe ask.

    The indifferent and confused will wonder, what's the big deal with this person about capitalism?

    It becomes a conversation starter and buzz-maker instead of a piece of propaganda. Then it's up to the person wearing the T-shirt, or even your organization, to argue the case after the viewer engages.

    Note that the question is not explicit on the T-shirt, but instead it arises naturally in the viewer's inner self-conversation that is constantly running. (We all have this.)

    Just my 2 cents.

    btw - Good luck on your campaign. I'm a strong supporter of capitalism. Google my name and you'll see what I mean.

    Michael
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris1212
      3 things I did to boost capitalism

      (or whatever number works)

      Helped is too weak, wonderful is too overused/weak, IMHO

      Only, let's reconsider. If you study copy you'll realize that people generally don't care what you did... they want to know how something affects THEM. Remeber the WIFM acronym that all consumers live (and buy) by... What's In It For ME?

      So.. perhaps your headline could be..

      Make a blow for capitalism... here's how!

      or

      3 simple things you can do right now to SAVE capitalism.

      You get the idea.

      Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    "Capitalism is Awesome...
    People Suck!"
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    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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  • Profile picture of the author HatKing
    don't say helped..just go with:

    "I show the world how wonderful capitalism is"
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  • Profile picture of the author koncorps
    How about ...

    "Why Capitalists Always Win And How You Can Too"

    > "capitalists ALWAYS win and so can you"
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    Signature appears.

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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Faber
    Capitalism Bought This Shirt
    or
    If You Can Afford a Shirt, Thank Capitalism
    or
    Sell This Shirt, Own Your Future
    or
    Sell This Shirt, Own Your Destiny
    or
    Work Hard Give It Away or Work Hard and Keep It.....
    Capitalism, The Choice is Yours
    or
    Light Bulb, Phone, Car, iPOD..... If You Like Yours, Thank Capitalism
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