Critique wanted

by 10 replies
12
Hi fellow warriors

I'd like to have some honest critique on this salespage for improvements.

http://www.warriorforum.com/test-for...ml#post5087664

Thanks
#copywriting #critique #wanted
  • The first post under your WSO tells you everything you need to know

    There's more information in the thread title than in the rest of your copy.

    You need to scrap it and start again, but this time ditch your love-story angle and just tell the reader who you are, what you've got, what it does for them, and what they should do next.
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
  • Thanks Andrew

    I appreciate all constructive critique.

    One comment about "What is this" - It was there before I even put up the salespage.

    ---
    Stefan
    • [1] reply
    • Outsource to a copywriter fluent in English.

      Ask he or she to do what Andrew said.

      --- Ross
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Banned
    You can get a good copywriter from Fiverr, just remember to search carefully..
    • [2] replies
    • Yeah, with some careful searching and a little luck landing a hot fiverr copywriter, you might sell dozens of copies that way.

      Some massive ROI right there.

      (sigh...)
    • Banned
      [DELETED]
      • [1] reply
    • Banned
      [DELETED]
    • Hahahahahha best thing I've seen on the warrior forum
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • I'm no expert but the copy doesn't seem to be that bad to me. The spelling and grammar could use some brushing up but that's no big deal to sort out.

    @KallP if you PM me your copy, I'll correct the spelling and grammar for you
  • Stefan,

    Outside of a (relatively) friendly arena like the Warrior Forum, you'd get slaughtered with naive copy like this. It has a kind of quirky charm but really you come across as a little clueless and lacking in authority ("Hey guys...I kind of stumbled across this idea...made a few bucks and hey it might (possibly) work for you").

    Agree with Andrew, be more direct and get to the point. Be more specific about who you are talking to and what your program will do for them. The "love story" angle doesn't really work in this context. I'd suggest the audience are not "romantics" but hard-nosed types who want you to "show me the money". I'm guessing that you've read somewhere that you need a "hook"...absolutely correct BUT it has to have some sort of relevance to the situation.

    Reading the copy again, I think there could be some mileage from the angle of combining FB and Fiverr. But, again, you need to be more specific about what your system will do and why it's different. People in the forum here will see many programs like this. This won't be the first local biz client course they've seen and so, following Gene Schwartz's analysis of stages of a market, you need to demonstrate and prove why your program is different and better. The current copy is very general.

    And yes, cleaning up the spelling, grammar and general wording will help too!
  • Thanks guys

    I appreciate your comments
    Need to do some work now
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