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thank you all for all your input!

by BizBooks
10 replies
thanks to all!
#copy #copywriters #cruddy #kick #kinda #kindly
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is boring. The copy is awkward and unappealing. Sorry, it just is. You mention being a seasoned entrepreneur and coach with experience in many industries. Okay, lay out some specifics and build on them. Presently the copy is loaded with empty promises. This piece needs a lot of work. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Easy Cash
    Hit the emotions of the reader/business owner. If you have owned a small business you will know it is tough. Maybe something like this:


    "How To Double Your Business Profits With Less Effort From You."


    Dear Friend,

    I know what it feels like to put in hours of work for little reward. etc etc......
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    Thanks for all the great suggestions....

    will work on and improve... and post back!
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    edited first post to contain latest changes!
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    You seriously just need to go and get some copywriting
    books by Herschell Gordon Lewis, and read them.

    He's not a copywriting teacher IM people talk about
    a lot - they prefer to lionize John Carlton and Gary
    Halbert, et al. - But Lewis creates rules for writing
    copy that prevent the credibility train-wreck you have
    here.

    Direct Mail Copy That Sells is about $4.oo used and it
    deals explicitly with the problems you have here.
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  • Profile picture of the author RedPhoenix
    Your headline just sucks. "Business Critique .." What exciting major benefit will your customers be getting? ... What can they expect the critique to do for their business?

    The copy that follows is awkward and contains far too many "I"s - its egocentric. Copy that sells well is always centered on the reader. If you do decide to re-write your WSO then bear in mind that your market will be your fellow warriors - many of which are street smart. If you would like a free book on copywriting just PM me and I shall provide you with a download link. (don't worry no sign up or hidden catch - just 1 warrior assisting another)

    All the best

    Mike
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    http://www.23rdwave.com/

    "Excellence is not an event it's a habit" - Aristotle 384 BC
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    • Profile picture of the author MrCopy
      You need to go back and refocus on your target. Is it online business owner?

      The headline is still way too weak, no compelling benefit and not interesting.

      Then you dive into your credentials, I don't care yet. Answer your customer's question - "What's in it for me." Not just in buying your product, but also to even read the rest of the copy.

      What emotional benefit are you trying to put forth, I see no emotion here.

      The business critique is just a thing, not a benefit. What's the critique going to give me as a business owner?

      The bonuses are not compelling and #3 is not a bonus.

      I could go on, but I'd have to start billing you.
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      Learn real self defense online at jujutsu.org

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  • Profile picture of the author 2PercentPlan
    I would start a headline swipe file. Take a close look at this sales letter. Get Money From Google This one seems to be doing very well. You can learn a lot by just watching what the top marketers put out. Hope that helps ya. Dana
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