Feedback on this headline?

by 20 replies
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Hi, just thought I'd share this. Would love some feedback from any copywriters about this headline for my new mobile marketing wso. Does this headline get your attention?





Or maybe :

#copywriting #feedback #headline
  • Waaaaay too long. Stop at 'Services' and you might have something. Good luck.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Banned
      I'm not sure whether long headlines work or not. For instance John Carlton's webpage has a very long headline.
      • [1] reply
  • Thanks for the feedback, definitely needs shortening down.

    Just need to decide If I should start with discover or steal...
  • Yeah I agree, I feel like the headline doesn't have gravity. Too much reading
    • [1] reply
    • Reads a little vague to me..."Done for you" what does that mean... a service?
      • [2] replies
  • Here's what we know about your offer:

    1) It's about mobile marketing
    2) It's for a WSO to the offline crowd

    If you want meaningful help, more information is necessary.

    Stringing a few jet-powered words together in an attempt to sound "copywritery" is assuredly not your best path forward.

    What's new/different/possible now that you're on the scene?
    • [1] reply
    • Hi Brian,

      Well your exactly right in the fact that this is a WSO to the offline crowd about Mobile marketing so I guess I'm on the right tracks

      As long as that headline get the attention then it's off to a good start.

      The headline is then followed by a personal video from me so I guess this addresses the new/different/possible.
  • What exactly is it all about? I don't get it on first reading. Shorten it, be more specific straight to the point.

    How about this...

    At last!
    Top Experts Reveal A Breakthrough Strategy
    For Getting Top Shelf Mobile Marketing Clients

    Subhead-One guy I know who used this landed two $45,000 contracts in just two weeks.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Its a Mobile marketing product that uses a video promo to land the clients, no cold calling or hard selling. Also with 85% success rate of landing the client once they have made contact.

      I do like your example actually so I'll think about changing it to suit that.

      Based on the information you have now how would you change the headline?

      Cheers.
      Jonny
      • [1] reply
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    Feedback on this headline?

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