Please Critique My Landing Page

13 years ago

Here's a few quick thoughts:

Your headline's a bit boring, it doesn't stand out, and "for cancer" wants to be "from cancer".

Have you got permission to use the TV clips at the start of your video?

The video doesn't tell me much at all about your product, about what's in it or why I should buy it.

"Loose weight" should be "Lose weight".

Your graphical navigation's not very clear.

The writing's slightly stilted, it reads more like a second-rate article than sales copy.

There's no buy button at the bottom, if I do want to buy I've got to scroll back up.

Tell me more about Dr. Singh, why should I trust him?

Have you got any proof that what he's offering works?

And why should I buy this from you, and not go for some other detox product - what makes this special?

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Andrew Gould

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5211302].message }}

Azarna 13 years ago

The article reads oddly and has a lot of claims with no indication of where the 'facts' came from.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5211692].message }}

HealthEnclave

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

Here's a few quick thoughts:

Your headline's a bit boring, it doesn't stand out, and "for cancer" wants to be "from cancer".

Have you got permission to use the TV clips at the start of your video?

Hey Andrew,

WOW that's bucket load of information !! Surely will work on it and try to improve the Landing page further.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5213485].message }}

ThomasOMalley

13 years ago

Big tip for everyone...if you want reviews, put the actual link in your post.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5212176].message }}

NickN 13 years ago

Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley

Big tip for everyone...if you want reviews, put the actual link in your post.

The OP doesn't have enough posts to post links.

http://www.healthenclave.com/publications/detoxify_

There ya go.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5212315].message }}
- HealthEnclave 13 years ago
  
  Hey Thanks Nick. Yes am a newbie and can't put up links just yet
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5213478].message }}

bankableResults

13 years ago

First of, Im just coriuos... who is your target market?

Second, you make a very common mistake (even the "pros" do it every now and then) in your headline. And it does not pass the "Yehe Right" (believability) test.

But don´t worry, it takes only seconds to fix. And in a second, I´ll share a proven (and quite unknown) Gene Schwarz headline that you can use as a template to boost the respons from your copy.

Notice how this headline (bellow) has built-in believability ("A noted physician says").

Plus, it triggers the readers curiousity; What is this secret sickness? Do I have this secret sickness? What are the sympthoms? Is it cureable?

Anyway, here it is:

A noted physician says...

"You may suffer from this
SECRET SICKNESS that keep millions of
men and women in america weak and
weary all their lives."

Of course, if you want to use a headline like this one, you need to make sure its valid. You can always find the facts and evidence you need to support any claims you can think of. All it takes is some thorough research.

Anyway, the psycology of this headline is timeless, it works like magic everytime. And I hope this can work as useful "template" for you.

//Sara

P.S. This is probably irrelevant, but this variation (for a reducing ad I guess) of the headline above just popped into my head:

A celeberty plasticsugeon says...

"You may suffer from this genetic fat-cell that stores twice the amount of ugly fat on your stomach, thighs and hips than on a "normal" person... everytime you eat... and keeps millons of men and women in America obese all their lives"

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5215174].message }}

HealthEnclave

13 years ago

Originally Posted by bankableResults

First of, Im just coriuos... who is your target market?

Second, you make a very common mistake (even the "pros" do it every now and then) in your headline. And it does not pass the "Yehe Right" (believability) test.

Sara,

That's some great information !! Now I am starting to realize that the Copywriter I hired is simply not good enough

Need to brain storm on the headline ...

Any thoughts on the Landing page ?? Do you think the sales video + landing page is good enough to convert ?

Just starting with Adwords in a couple of days, lets see how it goes.

Thanks for the awesome pointers

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5215429].message }}

bankableResults

13 years ago

Originally Posted by HealthEnclave

Sara,

That's some great information !! Now I am starting to realize that the Copywriter I hired is simply not good enough

Need to brain storm on the headline ...

Any thoughts on the Landing page ?? Do you think the sales video + landing page is good enough to convert ?

Just starting with Adwords in a couple of days, lets see how it goes.

Thanks for the awesome pointers

Well, there are some good points on your landing page. For example:

You have a picture of the product, which is great. You have 2 free bonuses... and it also says "limited time offer". PLUS you have a 30 day guarantee that takes away some of the buying resistant.

So far so good.

About the video: For the "skimmer", or someone who just does´nt look at the video... the rest of the copy makes no sense.

Let me explain: The headline suggest you could be at risk for cancer, right? And it promise to offer urgent information the reader need. Then, if you skip the video, and just read the copy (which a lot of prospects do...) the next paragraph talks about removing toxins, losing weight, improving sleep etc. etc.

Visit your landing-page and just read the copy (skip the video).

Do you see the disconection between the headline and the rest of the copy?

Anyway. Here´s a suggestion that will certainly boost your converting rate...

Put an actuall time limit to your offer... and tell the reader why you have done that. (Prices will go up in 29 days, the two free bonuses will disappear, or whatever have you.)

Another way to create more urgency is by saying something like this instead of (or as a compliment to) your time limit:

"The demand for this program has been higher than we expected... and now there is only 250 copies of Detoxify left. They are sold on a first come first served basis. To make sure you get your hands on a copy of this must-have 30-day program, click at the “detoxifying now" button below right away."

"And remember, you have a full 30-days to try this program in the comfort of your own home. If it doesn´t do for you what this article has lead you to believe, just let me know and I will personally make sure to rush a full refund to you immediately. No questions asked, no hassles."

Do you see how after reading this it makes more sense for the prospect to buy your product..? The book is soon going to be sold-out, and all the risk is on your shoulders.

This copy (of course) need more work, and you need to find what is true and what works in your case.

But again, the psychology is there, and I hope you find this example useful.

I whish you the best of luck with adwords and with this product (you seem very passionate about it).

//Sara

P.S. There are a few other common mistakes the copywriter makes in your copy... that most certainly gives you a lower converting rate than you could have.

If you want some specific pointers on how to fix this just send me a PM and I´ll be glad to help.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5219689].message }}

HealthEnclave

13 years ago

Originally Posted by bankableResults

Well, there are some good points on your landing page. For example:

But again, the psychology is there, and I hope you find this example useful.

I whish you the best of luck with adwords and with this product (you seem very passionate about it).

Sara, thanks again for your very useful pointers and suggestions. I can not send a PM and neither can you (I guess so) because don't have enough posts under my belt.

send me an email at career at health enclave dot com and lets take this further.

Thanks

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5220573].message }}

agc 13 years ago

Originally Posted by bankableResults

"The demand for this program has been higher than we expected... and now there is only 250 copies of Detoxify left.

Honestly, when someone says they only have 250 copies of an ebook... your first thought isn't *cough*BS*cough*???
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5252672].message }}
- bankableResults 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by agc
  
  Honestly, when someone says they only have 250 copies of an ebook... your first thought isn't *cough*BS*cough*???
  
  Great point. I agree. This was just an example (from the top of my head) to illustrate one way (of many) to add urgency, and a logical reason for someone to buy now.
  
  Of course this won´t do the trick in the case of an e-book. (btw. where does it say that this is an e-book?)
  
  //Sara
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5253934].message }}
  
  chrisChandra 13 years ago
  
  Here's my take on it.
  
  Red headline would give the page a solid visual hierarchy. You don't want the eyes looking at the video and THEN look at the headline. In the mind of the prospect that's already working too hard. Imagine you're selling to the laziest person in the world. Make it friendly for them.
  
  Eliminate distractions. Visually appealing, alternating images can distract the reader from the core message. Causing them to spend TIME.
  (There's always a limited number time from one piece of message to another before a prospect loses interest.)
  
  My final take on this is limit the option a user has when they visit your site. Giving them too many options means they have to THINK and make decisions for themselves. When there's too many decisions to be made they'll opt out and make none. It's a big burden to put on a prospect.
  
  Example:
  Conditions, Well being, Community, Publications, About us
  Home, Publications
  
  and then...
  
  There's icons of a doctor, person meditating, magnifying glass etc...
  
  Simplicity is the key. You can take all that information and put it on a healthenclave blog if they choose to learn more. But on the page where you're making your product pitch (where they haven't even decided if they like you yet) there better be one topic of discussion and that's "what's in it for me by being here?". Essentially that's what the prospect is thinking.
  
  And that's what the video and headline is there for.
  Video is compelling, to me. Like a previous post said, find out about the permission to use external sources.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5271910].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

The inmates have taken over the asylum.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5215950].message }}

JosephTate Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

The inmates have taken over the asylum.

lol..not sure what you meant but it sounds hilarious!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5219900].message }}

TheTruth2011

13 years ago

Just from looking at it, the video really doesn't have much to do with your product. That is a big concern, if you fix that up and review your page i would like to look at it again.

Good work on taking action though !

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

★★★[FREE WSO]★★★
Rank Videos In 72 Hours!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5272301].message }}

Azarna 13 years ago

I personally don't like the headline.

"You could be at risk for Cancer, Right Now and not even know it. We have Urgent information you need to know that could Save Your Life!"

If someone really has 'urgent' information that can save lives, it seems rather unethical that they are charging $47 for it. Could you not rephrase it a bit less sensationally, and therefore sound more like an honest product off rather than charging for 'urgent' information?

Sorry, probably just me being oversensitive about the subject matter.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5273342].message }}

Please Critique My Landing Page

Trending Topics

When i see a good product to sell,greedy people are already doing it

Your Last Meal On Earth?

Should we create Backlinks for Product page?

An answer to a shy Warrior regarding ASSESSMENTS and Planning.

Can you succeed by doing no more than the competition-