I want suggestions to improve my pitch page

by yasser
15 replies
I want the help of expert warriors for changes to my pitch page for my new ebook.

pitchpage at : Google Page One / How to Rank In Google in 30 Days

many thanks
#oage #pitch #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, you've got a novel at the top of the page. There's way too much up there. Get a compelling headline and leave the copy for the body of the letter. I didn't go much past that because I was confused and your visitors will be too. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ledux
    Just few things that I would change:
    1. leave some space near the borders.
    2. Create a better header, the red line is kinda strange.
    3. Correct the mistakes "With just a few hrs of work"
    4. The testimonials are very long. Use bold, italic, underline for the main thoughts.
    5. Too many add to cart buttons would take out at least one from the bottom.
    6. Put graphics for the money back guarantee.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by yasser View Post

    I want the help of expert warriors for changes to my pitch page for my new ebook.

    pitchpage at : Google Page One / How to Rank In Google in 30 Days

    many thanks
    I'll leave your critique to those who are better at it than me.

    One thing I've always wondered though...

    Why do all the sales letters I see online, always start out with, "From the desk of...?"

    Who believes this?

    How bout, "From the beach in Maui?"

    or

    "From the back booth at O'Malleys Pub in Philadelphia?"

    Just wonderin.

    Is this something a "guru" taught everyone?
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  • Profile picture of the author salahprint
    Hello Yasser
    I suggest you to work for a logo or pay a graphic designer to do it for you
    And also your text must respect your template limits (approximative wide is 500 px)
    I have create a picture that explain that, but i'm a new member, means that i can't send links in my first comments

    Contact me by private message with your email if you need more suggestions.
    Good luck
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      When I google 'Google page one', your website is not on page 1.

      Sorry, I am the sort of pedantic little bugger who would do that.
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      • Profile picture of the author abugah
        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        When I google 'Google page one', your website is not on page 1.

        Sorry, I am the sort of pedantic little bugger who would do that.
        That's an interesting approach. I guess the guy teaching about being a millionaire must be worth seven figures before you listen to him.

        In addition, if you teach about ranking no 1 in Google, your website must be up there.

        Just wondering...is that your approach to everything in life?
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        • Profile picture of the author yasser
          Originally Posted by abugah View Post

          That's an interesting approach. I guess the guy teaching about being a millionaire must be worth seven figures before you listen to him.

          In addition, if you teach about ranking no 1 in Google, your website must be up there.

          Just wondering...is that your approach to everything in life?
          i am not teaching about being a milionaire. I am teaching a very successful strategy about going to google page one in a very short period of time. Depending on the competition, time will differ from less than 30 days to 3 months. There is no single money promise and btw, i never claimed that i am a millionaire.

          actually my sites are there.as in the screenshots on my webpage. My new site selling this product is 2 days old and actually any newbie knows that you do not want to push a sales page to google page one. Never saw a pitch page before on google page one.
          Please if you cam here, just do what i am requesting which is revising my sales page. Do not come here leaving a silly comment trying to show up your WSO at your signature, because this never works.
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          • Profile picture of the author abugah
            Originally Posted by yasser View Post

            Please if you cam here, just do what i am requesting which is revising my sales page. Do not come here leaving a silly comment trying to show up your WSO at your signature, because this never works.
            Sorry for that.

            I think in a forum like this, you would expect a silly person and a genius. And experience has often shown that the stupid people sometimes make the most noise. In addition, occasionally there are sideshows, misinterpretation of facts, and different perspectives of issues.

            If you got intimidated, irritated or uncomfortable with a comment, apologies. Let that matter rest there.
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            • Profile picture of the author Treborrevo
              Yasser,

              Yes, you could use some design help... But you could have the most professionally designed site in the world and it can still fail.

              On the other hand, there are plenty of Ugly sites that are making money.

              Yes, you can and should fix the typo's - but I did a letter that brought in a million bucks that had two typo's. (If you're not a native english speaker just say... "Look, I don't speak the Queens English like a grammar teacher. And I didn't pay some advertising genius $10,000 to write this letter. But that's not why you are here. . . You are here to learn how I predictably, with 100% confidence, KNOW I'm going to get a site ranked #1 on Google -- FAST.)

              What you need is a product people want - and people who want it coming to your site.

              Let's assume you have both those worked out. Next, you need a "Concept". As Jay Abraham used to tell me, "Concept Over Copy".

              We need to work on your headline and lead. You DO have a great concept in there. It fits nicely with the 'ole Halbert/Carlton/Swartz lead the features One-legged golfers and Desperate housewives.

              Here's what you have...

              "When I Launch a Site Now, I Know With 100% Confidence That It Will Soon Rank High In The Search Engines

              Do You Know Why??.... I Have Learnt To "Think"
              Like A Search Engine"


              Now, let's shape that so the benefits jump out faster and it sounds unique from everyone else out there promising fast page rank....

              Your hook is "how to think like a search engine". Your Benefit is "Rank page one in 30 days" Your human interest/feature is who you are.

              And "Who" you are is one of the biggest elements missing from your copy here. Who are you , where did you come from, and how did a self-described "Computer Dunce" figure out how to accomplish what some of the top paid SEO Ninjas in the world can't do predictably?

              After you answer those questions, we take the most interesting element and feature that in your headline. For now - I'm going to use "Computer Dunce" from your copy...

              Put all that together and we get...

              Computer Dunce discovers how 'Thinking like a Search Engine" gets him ranked on page one in Google in 30 days -- without X, Y and Z"

              (It took me 2 years of trial-and-error, thousands of dollars in courses, and a lot of failure -- but you can know my secret in just 3 minutes... )

              Dear Friend,

              If you are reading this, I bet you are as frustrated as I was at how hard it is to rank a the top of Google...

              My name is Yasser, and I spent over 2 years, thousands-of-dollars on over-hyped SEO courses and out-right lies.

              Look, I'm a computer dunce. I did what you've probably done. I've done all the article writing, hundreds of backlinks, on page SEO, etc.

              But none of it worked....until I had a simple AHA! moment.

              Once I figured out this one simple thing - I began getting my sites ranked on Google's Page One with 100% confidence.

              .....

              Take it away from there my friend..
              Signature

              Robert Stover
              RobertStover.com

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              • Profile picture of the author JohnB23
                Honestly, I would change a lot.

                -I think you have to focus on content over graphics or display.

                -Why are you selling it for $17? Have you tested other prices?

                What's really the result of being high ranked on google? This gets into strategy. But I think a main product is too cheap at $17 if it's going to produce thousands in increased sales? 10's of thousands?

                -I think great ads (online or off) hook you in by not being ads. I.e. Robert Allen's no money down ads. "Send me to any city in america. Take away my keys and wallet. and I'll be able to buy $50,000 worth of property in 72 hours". Those were dramatic and brilliant.

                I think a lot of online ads don't have that "pop" off the page.

                -I think you have to answer skeptism. Who is this guy? Why is it going to work? Why should I believe you.

                Maybe tell people *how* you got it to work. Tell them a story. I worked 18 weekends. I spent 36 hours failing. I looked at 25 blank computer screens. Tell people what goes into creating your product. This is out of Claude Hopkins, Schlitz beer. I think it gives any product, even SEO optimization, more believability.

                I would credentialize all of it. "Red Rash". Who says that a competitive keyword. Don't take my word for it.

                "Hemorrhoids treatments". Who says its competitive? Is there some outside ranking of competitive keywords?

                "Of the top 25 most competitive keywords, as ranked by ___, I got 16 of them for my clients ranked on the first page". Something like that.

                -Another concept. Don't make the reader work to figure out what's in it for them. At the bottom of the page, here's what some warriors said.

                MJones has been in business for 6 months. It's better than the $197 books.

                Cyberdetective is an 8 year veteran. He's seen this, and this. And says, this about my book.

                I would try to hack away at the reasons why you can't sell something. And the top 3/4 of the page would be specificity, believability, credentializing.

                I would change the second paragraph, much more about you.

                "My name is Yasser ___. I live in ____. I studied at this school, and have worked at this ___. I started getting into SEO optimization, boy what a nightmare!

                I bought 64 courses. I spent 3 months in my office trying to make sense of it all." I think this is where you need more of a backstory. What goes into becoming a search engine optimization expert? I think if you give a believable story, quantify results, and tell me why its a bargain at $17, that should be the thrust of your sales.
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      • Profile picture of the author yasser
        Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

        When I google 'Google page one', your website is not on page 1.

        Sorry, I am the sort of pedantic little bugger who would do that.
        this site is 2 days old and i am not linking to it at all and i will not do.
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        • Profile picture of the author Azarna
          Originally Posted by yasser View Post

          this site is 2 days old and i am not linking to it at all and i will not do.
          He says he is an expert and can do it, so why wouldn't he do it for his own product? Surely it is a good thing to do or else why sell instructions for it?

          And yes, I probably would expect anyone who claims they can make me a millionaire to be one themselves. All the 'get rich' type products I have ever seen start with the writer's own 'rags to riches' story. There is no logic in someone knowing how to become super rich and charging $27 a pop to tell others rather than just using their own scheme themselves, is there?

          I am sorry if you thought my comment was silly, yasser. I don't have a signature, I am not trying to promote anything.

          You asked for opinions on your website. My first thought with any product is 'why would I buy THIS as oppossed to the many other similar things available'.

          To answer that question I look for evidence that the writer is qualified to be offering the information. In this case it struck me as odd that someone who presumably wants sales is not following their own advice, that is all.
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    You need me to proofread and edit your copy for starters. Some grammatical errors in there that could be fixed. You are also using the same words too many times. e.g. the word 'more' appears 4 times in 1 sentence.
    I know I am probably harping on the written aspects of your copy but they are as important as what you have written.

    That's about all I can say for now. If you want my help, just pm me.
    Signature

    Cheers, Laurence. Writer/Editor/Proofreader.
    Visit my site for more info

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  • Profile picture of the author SJ048998
    I'm no expert, but I'd say that people, besides the words / text itself are more impressed by the web-design. Not always, but let's say often.

    One page webs, with a couple of catching mottos and quotes simply won't do it, especially when the reader gets to the part that this awesome trick can be revealed to him for just 9,99$

    I don't mean to criticize, just bringing a little of a personal "average success seeker" insight.

    What is way more convincing according to me is some attractive page, with not so much text on it, or at least its welcome page, more text could be placed into FAQ and other appropriate sections. Also, I'm a bit of allergic to this "100% satisfaction or money back guarantee" stamp, I mean, as long as there is no real name, no real address, pretty much nothing and yet this "money back" guarantee alongside each other, it might give a bit bitter flavor in someone's mouth.

    I'd go for a full-scaled site reconstruction.

    Good luck with you business, though!

    Best Regards,
    George S.
    Signature

    An Image & An URL One Day Soon, Hopefully..

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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Yasser,

    As others have said, your header needs a complete redesign, for now I'd just scrap it.

    Your headline is all about you, it wants to be about your prospect.

    Your photo gives the impression you're some sort of doctor or scientist, if so play it up.

    "Dear Webmaster" - Do your prospects think of themselves as webmasters?

    The first paragraph's a bit intimidating, try and cut it down to one line and focus it on the prospect.

    Make sure all your "Googles" have a capital "G". (And are you sure they're OK with your domain name?)

    You're promising me "Google page one in 30 days" but your second sample took 6 weeks...

    You're telling me virtually nothing at all about your product, all I know is it's a 23-page guide (and I had to get that from the testimonials) about backlinking. There's no specifics, nothing about what tricks and tips I'm going to discover. In fact, you spend longer trying to justify the price than giving specifics about the product.

    How did you come up with your backlinking strategies?

    You don't want a link to the WF, especially not one where I can buy the guide cheaper than on your sales page. And your sales page says $27 but the CB order page says $17.

    None of the testimonials are particularly strong, see if you can get some better, preferably results-based ones from your buyers. Cut down your existing ones and give them their own headline (use the strongest statement in them).

    Just a few random thoughts for you, hope they help.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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