Rip my sales page apart - newbie in need of help!

by M5Boss
17 replies
UPDATE 12/19/11 7:28pm pst: SITE GETTING OUTFITTED WITH FEEDBACK REFLECTED HERE...THANKS EVERYONE!
#newbie #page #rip #sales
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    K. So you're a "Hollywood Producer". Who raised $1.5 Million for 4 feature films. And you're going to tell us how you did it.

    HUGE fail here. The god-awful YouTube-hosted video. Shaky hand-held footage of a cell-phone. No sound. Just fingers scrolling through. Excruciatingly BORING. I lasted a whole 2 minutes and couldn't bear to watch any more. So if that's an example of your Hollywood feature filming - you've lost me right there.

    The other thing that makes me wonder is - $1.5 million is not a lot of money for even one Hollywood feature. You say it was for four. If it were evenly divided...that equates to $375k a flick - zip in this business.

    So already I'm wondering about your credibility as I read on. I come to a screeching halt at "FREE Money". That's not the talk of film financing or movie production. "Financing" or "Funding" would be a much better term. "FREE Money" - that just red flags this pitch as "scam".

    The writing is reasonable. Then I come to your first testimonial. Next to a headshot of a miserable-looking dude who looks like he's up on "Just killed his Mother" charges. Apparently he's a "Professional Actor and Producer". K. Maybe he plays serial killers?

    Then you have 11 bullets. Too many. Stop at 7. Always an odd number. Never use "And a whole lot more" - especially as a bullet. Way cheesy.

    I read on. See more so-so testimonials. Read this awful para justifying the price -
    Seriously, think back at what you’ve spent $47 on the past week or so. You might have eaten out a couple times or took a couple trips to the local coffee shop.
    Well "no" actually. I spent $47 on getting loaded. "Ate out a couple of times"? For $47? Where? A greasy Joes? McDonalds? Who cares. You're begging for the sale here and it doesn't work. In fact...I'm thinking "Only $47? Must be crap".

    So to try and get me to fork over the $47 you go all I.M. scam on me with "But that's not all"...you get these steak knives - 4 "awesome" bonuses. At this stage I couldn't even be bothered reading the Johnson boxes. Maybe once you insert the graphics I might be tempted.

    Moving on I'm hit with another dud-looking headshot. This time from a writer. Who pens this drivel -
    In short, there’s something for everybody in this particular section – be you Latino, female, high school student, European, Canadian, or just plain vanilla US — everybody can find something in this vast potpourri!
    As my fingers go down my throat.

    Then we get the "Money back Guarantee" - which again is borrowed from I.M. scams.

    At this point I'm done. I think to myself "This is amateur hour...no sale". As I wave goodbye to the final two scary-looking headshots.

    Not even your p.s. tempts me -
    Seriously, what are you waiting for? You can either keep wishing about making that feature film and thinking “someday” you’ll do it. Or you can take action right now and start getting other people to give you money up front. It’s up to you. So claim your copy of Film Funding Secrets today
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    • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
      @ Nazi, my apologies! I didn't say that video was just a stand in video while I make the sales video.

      Lol, great critique - very blunt, loved it. Will make note of changes, and when I get back to office..get on it.

      Anyone else? I'm willing to provide testimonial feedback if you have a product.

      Thanks guys - really appreciate you'all taking the time here, I know you are busy.

      Thanks again nazi,

      Chris
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      • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
        The problem I have with this is that it's not a
        good business model for someone with your
        track record.

        You should put your ebook on Kindle, where
        people might be looking for it, and bring the price
        down to $9.99, where it will compete well with
        what else is available.

        Make it easy for people to find you from your
        Kindle book. Perhaps create a membership site
        with a forum, and a coaching platform?

        Give away a more concise .PDF version of the
        Kindle Book from your web site in exchange for
        an e-mail address.

        Use the list to pitch your coaching product and
        membership forum.

        Frankly you're putting all your effort into the a
        black-hole trying to flog this e-book, but adapt it
        as a give-away and it could make you some money.

        I hope that helps?

        Stephen
        Signature
        Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    “Thanks again nazi”

    LOL. Not since the innkeeper in occupied France back in good old ’42 appreciated his guests à la “’Allo ‘Allo” has there been such a quip.


    Copy nazi has, in his own violent way, said what there is to be said. I wish to share a couple of minor additions…

    Theme your testimonial photos. Have them all either of the people in casual situations, in character, or in their offices, but not a mix. If you can’t do this, caption them briefly so that they make sense (“Frank Bettag as a pissed-off father of the bride in ‘Knuckle Draggers’, or “Frank Bettag at his arraignment” or whatever.)


    I would rewrite this page like this:

    “I was once like you: someone who lives and loves film, has film making skills, but is dead broke and can’t make anything happen no matter how hard you wish.

    I tried…(begging family, maxing out credit cards)

    Then I tried…(going to film markets and spending money there in the hopes of learning…)

    And after that I even tried…(god knows what else)

    They all failed. My goal of raising money to make decent films seemed out of reach.


    Then, I started to…

    (do whatever it is that you did to learn the sources of the dough)

    And what a surprise! Everything turned around!

    Now I’m a real Hollywood producer with FOUR feature films to my credit:

    ONE

    TWO

    THREE

    FOUR


    (Take that, losers!) No foolin’! So tell me: do you want the secrets of how I achieved this level of success? Do you want to BE this successful as a genuine Hollywood producer?

    Then come with me and I’ll share these money tree-shaking secrets—and you’ll be surprised at how low the investment to learn these is.

    I’m tired of hearing stories about people’s dreams being stepped on…how they struggle but can never seem to win. So I’m sharing these powerful financing secrets of the film world with you for just $47, because I WANT YOU TO SUCCEED WITH YOUR DREAM!

    These hardly-known tips and techniques will enable you to:

    (bullet list)”

    And so on.


    Rewrite rather than edit, in this case, and really work on your headline and subheadline. An idea has been floating around lately that it's the second thing people read, not the first...so get their attention with the headline, then tell them why this is important to them in the subheadline.
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    • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
      @stephen - wow, I didn't even think about the kindle market. Does amazon have a keyword tool?

      Thanks for the membership/ forum/ coaching input, that was in my plans - glad we are together there.

      Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author RefundHost
    Shorten the height of the top graphic so it does not take up so much
    space - you'll get to show more to the viewer that way ( above fold )

    Your red headline could be smaller font ( half size it is now ) and above
    the video. of course you'll eventually put up a good video. lol
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  • Profile picture of the author williamstraus
    Originally Posted by M5Boss View Post

    Hey folks -

    Thanks for chimming in, I'm a newbie here - very teachable though, very interested in what the veterans have to say about my sales page, please rip it apart - tell me your thoughts... what does it need/changes/updates/ anything at all - dont be shy, the more direct the better, i prefer that.

    If you have a product - and need an honest review, i'd be more then happy to help out in return.

    Link to Page/ work in progress: filmfundingsecrets.com/sales-page-1-2/

    Chris
    Not a copy guy but as a general reader of the site - I don't get the video at all. I stopped - fast forwarded to see if it got any better and then gave up.

    What's the video there for? Did you link to the wrong video?
    Signature

    Promote my ClickBank Product - The Gut Health Solution - 75% Commissions. Converts 1-2% on PPC traffic. Acid Reflux, Heartburn and Digestive Distress Remedy from a Legit Doctor!.

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    • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
      @williamstraus

      Sorry mate - that's a stand in video will i prepare the sales video on camtasia, i'll edit the original post to represent that..

      Chris
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      • Profile picture of the author stevenalowe
        Caveat: I know zip about the film industry.

        But I know how to use imdb.com

        Your 4th "feature film" is not listed. Two of your "feature films" appear to be direct-to-video. The ratings on your films is less than 3...out of 10.

        Now, I know that making popular films is a distinct skill from raising money to create films, but you might want to address this in some way. Perhaps "Even though my first two movies were underappreciated, I still got the 3rd and 4th funded using the method detailed in my ebook."

        There is no pretending on the Internet, if you're using your real name.

        $47 to learn how to raise $1M? Price is too low, try $97.

        I didn't read all the copy - I got bored. Focus on 3-7 killer points. Make the video useful and fascinating - you are a filmmaker, after all! - or get rid of it.

        Since you are an incredible filmmaker (right?) you might consider having just the video, and little or no text. You can even rig the video player to hide the Buy button until people have watched (say) 2/3 of the video, to make sure they've seen enough to understand the value of your offer.

        One more thing: stop selling, and start helping. If your information is accurate, useful, and beneficial, then you will be helping a great many aspiring filmmakers achieve their dreams. That is a worthy cause, and does not require hard-sell over-the-top snake-oil. Sell honestly, help people, sleep well.

        Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
    @kanjgan

    ok - understood...

    "Theme your testimonial photos. Have them all either of the people in casual situations, in character, or in their offices, but not a mix. If you can’t do this, caption them briefly so that they make sense (“Frank Bettag as a pissed-off father of the bride in ‘Knuckle Draggers’, or “Frank Bettag at his arraignment” or whatever.)"

    Theme the pics or caption, got-it.

    Ok, understand the copy remarks as well - how you are language'ing it is similar to, "fell, felt, found" - which makes total sense.

    thank you for going the extra mile on your critique and adding additional copy - that doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

    Love you hear from anyone else on the matter - and if i can help your project in any way, just ask.

    Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
    @Refundhost

    Ok - not taken on header - thanks for the feedback.

    @stevenalowe

    What you say about imdb is golden, of course that thought had came to mind, but didn't really know how to go about addressing it - because you are right, people will see ratings. Certainly not trying to hide those - really, the reality is, even with those ratings all those movies did well in royalties - but from the stand-point of the purchaser, just about to put a credit card in, that can be seen as a deterrent.

    the 47.00 dollar, in my opinion too is - to cheap, at first my thoughts here were i wanted to blow the product out, to make a list - so i can begin to really teach the higher level stuff, but now you aren't the only one here that has said its almost too low -

    of course 97.00 is better, i would rather sell it at that price point. i'll split test that now, for sure.

    Thanks for taking the extra time to pull up imdb - and go the extra mile w/ your review, much appreciated.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Okay, here's the deal:

    Your selling approach should NOT be in this format.

    Your focus here should be about branding.

    A sales letter doesn't convey the prestige I believe you should present for people.

    A more traditional website with your logo, tagline, homepage (written conversational style) and internal pages is going to provide the foundation your ebook needs to generate more sustainable passive income for years to come.

    You need a canvas to continue offering more information is sales letter style blogs.

    There are an infinite amount of stories and perspectives you can use to illuminate the value of what you're offering here.

    I just think you're fitting the ebook/concept into a box that isn't going to produce anywhere near the kind of conversions you want.

    Your target market is far to cynical to fall for this approach.

    My take.

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 10 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you and your team, on zoom. Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
      @ReflectionMarketing

      You are right - absolutely right.

      I have intentions of building an authority site, just did the product first. Building a brand - giving free info, then bringing a purchasable product may be the right route here.

      thank you for the insight.

      Chris
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      • Profile picture of the author RefundHost
        Originally Posted by M5Boss View Post

        @ReflectionMarketing

        You are right - absolutely right.

        I have intentions of building an authority site, just did the product first. Building a brand - giving free info, then bringing a purchasable product may be the right route here.

        thank you for the insight.

        Chris

        1. Don't listen to anyone who tells you about "building brand" unless they have built a multi-million dollar brand. Those folks all missed one important
        thing - a brand is NOT built by sticking your name everywhere, as they
        would have you believe. Wal-Mart, McDonald's, they built their brandby making GOOD COMMERCIAL OFFERS. That needs to come first.

        2. What you need to focus your time on is CONNECTING with the people who would be interested in your product. They mostly ARE NOT looking on the internet for "how to finance a film" or whatever. They are on the forums where script writers and young movie production students hang out. What you need to do is make a TEASER product to give away there to get them to opt in to your email list and perhaps it could be something as simple as you giving one good tip on a YouTube video - and within it
        and offer to opt in to the next one ....via video ... and build trust and establish yourself as authority there. And before the 3rd free tip,
        have them fill out a 2 question survey:

        You are a
        --------- screenwriter
        --------- indy shorts producer / director
        --------- indy feature producer / director

        Your favorite industry sites and forums are
        ( Name at least 2 please )
        _______________________
        _______________________
        _______________________
        _______________________
        _______________________

        -------- The trends will show you where to advertise and TO WHOM ( writers, producers etc ) you need to be targeting your ads.
        You may be VERY surprised that your interest comes from a slightly
        different market than you believed would be interested. (eg, writer vs. director etc )
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
          Originally Posted by RefundHost View Post

          1. Don't listen to anyone who tells you about "building brand" unless they have built a multi-million dollar brand. Those folks all missed one important
          thing - a brand is NOT built by sticking your name everywhere, as they
          would have you believe. Wal-Mart, McDonald's, they built their brandby making GOOD COMMERCIAL OFFERS.
          Are you ignorant?

          I'm asking sincerely!

          A brand isn't about sticking your logo everywhere and marketing with the "field of dreams" mentality (i.e. "if you build it, they will come.")

          A brand is a whole host of working parts that you've obviously never taken been a part of creating - thus you're providing feedback that only reveals your complete lack of knowledge and awareness...

          Branding is HOW your customers or clients perceive you.

          It's the message of your company.

          It's what can powerfully separate your company from the competition with just a few words.

          It's the lingo and verbiage you apply to uniquely communicate your business and its benefits.

          It's formulas, methods, pillars and dynamic marketing structure.

          It's a theme that can take something completely lacking of character and give it an instantaneous personality that attracts customers or clients en masse.

          It's a way, when constructed brilliantly, to make an ordinary solopreneur appear absolutely extraordinary to his or her consuming public!

          It's a way to take product and make it easily digestible for the people who didn't even know they wanted it...

          I'm appalled.

          Really?

          Mark

          P.S. How do you think companies with major international brand recognition build their social icon and pop culture status?

          Do you think they accomplish such a feat by being like everyone else?

          Hmmm...
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          Do you want a 10 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you and your team, on zoom. Discover More

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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by RefundHost View Post

          2. What you need to focus your time on is CONNECTING with the people who would be interested in your product. They mostly ARE NOT looking on the internet for "how to finance a film" or whatever. They are on the forums where script writers and young movie production students hang out.
          Are you serious? I had to read this twice to make sure. Of course people are Googling "how to finance a film". I did it myself the other day with - "film finance" and "independent film finance" and found all sorts of interesting resources including this handy site - Independent Film Finance Group (IFFG) - An independent film finance organization financing independent film.

          It's also a good way to to find the forums.

          I think you'll find these days people are Googling - as a first step. And then ticking "Images, Maps, Videos etc.

          Well the smart ones are. Still amazes me how many dummies ask questions on forums without even bothering to do a rudimentary search.

          Your comments on Branding are way off the pace also. Yes a hundred years ago companies may have started organically - flogging stuff - and "built the brand". But these days the branding often comes before the product or company is even launched - that's how important it is.

          To paraphrase what Reflection above says - "Perception is everything". And thats branding at work.
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  • Profile picture of the author M5Boss
    Thanks again guys - this has been great, keep them coming!
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