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Really good (swipeable) opening

by RickDuris
8 replies
Saw this in a magazine today:

"Remember this moment. Later, when you're lounging at poolside, nibbling on tropical fruit, and contemplating a post massage snooze, you'll think back on the mere 60 seconds it took to log onto xxxx.com for a chance to win one of those 10 luxurious spa trips for two, and smile. Big."

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What's great about it from a copywriting perspective?

1. Instantly hypnotic. "Remember this moment."

Besides "remember", also uses words like "contemplating" and "think back".

2. Future pacing: "Later, when you're..." Implies you're imagining stepping into (or lounging into) your future.

3. Instant visualization: "you're lounging at poolside, nibbling on tropical fruit, and contemplating a post massage snooze". Again, hypnotic. Uses visual and kinesthetic queues.

Plus it's a hypnotic triad.

4. Hypnotic, future paced, almost subliminal call-to-action. "you'll think back on the mere 60 seconds it took to log onto xxxx.com"

5. Benefit right up front: "a chance to win one of those 10 luxurious spa trips for two, and smile."

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Kinda reminds me of International Living's famous headline.

I'm sure someone can use this as a model/structure.

Might even, in certain circumstances, be able to use this as a headline.

- Rick Duris

PS: How would you improve?
#good #opening #rick duris #swipeable
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    It's just beautiful... reads like poetry.

    Perfect.

    Thanks Rick.


    Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author Doceye
      Nice breakdown, Rick.

      When writing's reeeeally good, it looks easy ... almost transparent.

      Doc
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  • Profile picture of the author marshal france
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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  • Profile picture of the author Darion
    This is a very strong opening. My only gripe is the final word, which doesn't seem as impactful as the rest of the description, like a tiny stagger to the momentum of the piece. I'm not sure what word I'd use instead of 'big' at the end though. Maybe just take the word out altogether.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by Darion View Post

      This is a very strong opening. My only gripe is the final word, which doesn't seem as impactful as the rest of the description, like a tiny stagger to the momentum of the piece. I'm not sure what word I'd use instead of 'big' at the end though. Maybe just take the word out altogether.
      That's a great point, Darion. It kinda jolts you back to reality, doesn't it?

      Here's what else I would test:

      "Remember this moment. Later, when you're lounging at poolside... nibbling on tropical fruit... with sounds of waves and seagulls in the background... you'll think back on the mere 60 seconds it took to log onto xxxx.com for a chance to win one of those 10 luxurious spa trips for two, and smile."

      As you can read, I'd:

      1. Add ellipsises to mentally slow things down a bit,

      2. Have all three modalities, visual, auditory and kinesthetic accessed. (but I understand why they put in the post massage reference--it refers to the overall spa experience.)

      That's what I'd test.

      - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author Darion
        "Remember this moment. Later, when you're lounging at poolside... nibbling on tropical fruit...with sounds of waves and seagulls in the background...you'll think back on the mere 60 seconds it took to log onto xxxx.com for a chance to win one of those 10 luxurious spa trips for two, and smile."
        Hmm.

        I understand the theoretical use of the ellipses in the revision, but for some reason it doesn't read as strongly as the original version. It takes away a bit of the cohesion, as if my mind can't connect "lounging at poolside" with "nibbling on tropical fruit" together after the notable pause break. It's like my mind had already drifted away to visualizing the poolside, instead of moving on to the next sensuory experience.

        I definitely agree that the three modalities work in cohesion to make this a strong opening. It gets lovelier each time I read it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

    Saw this in a magazine today:

    "Remember this moment. Later, when you're lounging at poolside, nibbling on tropical fruit, and contemplating a post massage snooze, you'll think back on the mere 60 seconds it took to log onto xxxx.com for a chance to win one of those 10 luxurious spa trips for two, and smile. Big."


    - Rick Duris

    PS: How would you improve?
    BTW, Rick, what magazine were you reading?

    Loved your post! You sure give super gems!

    =================================

    Here's a different version... just for a laugh... (its way too long but is sure good for a smile...)

    "Remember this moment. Later, when you're sitting at your computer just after it locks up for real this time and you watch helpless as it fades away to the blue screen of death, feeling incredibly frustrated and tempted to bang you head against the keyboard, gobbling down another stale day-old sandwich, and contemplating quitting copywriting and chucking it all...
    As you look out the window wanting to escape and thinking now is a great time for an much longed for afternoon snooze...
    You'll think back on the mere 3 seconds it would have taken to log onto WarriorForum.com for a chance to take a well deserved break and read what inspiring comments were posted today and smile. "Darn. I can't do that, now, I gotta wait for the blankety blank computer to REBOOT!"

    ===============

    BTW about the word. Big. (Clayton Makepeace uses that idea and style a lot...) It is sort of an end statement. Like a qualifier to the final emotion you feel... Like adding a double exclaimation point or capitalizing the last word.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by Jennie Heckel View Post

      BTW, Rick, what magazine were you reading?

      Loved your post! You sure give super gems!
      Thanks. I was reading SELF magazine in a hotel lobby.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author wrench
    i like it! that structure can apply to almost anything being sold. awesome
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