Maybe i'm missing something here but, if it sold over a 1000 - then the copy you used must be pretty good - so why wouldn't you keep using that one?
Are you split testing this longer one vs the shorter one?

Nicely done. I want it. Couple of things I noticed that though minor, could make it an easier read which is always the goal. The font used in the headline and sub/bullets at the beginning is hard to focus on due to the Embossing. That makes it hard to read.

This is a powerful sub but could be larger and bolder so that it jumps in your face a bit more.


Also there are some strangle little ? throughout.


Great all in all though. Good use of proof elements. Sounds like an excellent product.

Continued success to you,
David

Hey Charles,

Just a few quick thoughts as I'm exhausted:

I'm not liking the graphic headline at all, it looks blurry and seems to blend into the background rather than stand out.

And when I read it, the word "run" caused me to stumble as I assumed you meant "ruin". I had to go back over it to verify that "run" works as well.

Then I'm thinking which "human parasites"? You only specify sales people, I'd make it clearer exactly who and what you're going to help the reader defend against. And I'd do it straight after your headline. Also, if not in your deck then in your body copy, I'd give specific, concrete examples of where these manipulation techniques have been used against the public.

The bold first letter on every single paragraph is distracting me rather than pulling me in.

Your first few testimonials interrupt the flow of the copy and make it clear I'm reading an ad.

The subheads need to stand out more, when I scanned through I didn't even notice them.

And the rest of the design looks a few years out of date, try a slightly bigger font and increase the margins a bit.

Like the headline, the guarantee certificate looks blurry, if you're having trouble keeping image size down, switch to PNGs.

Hope that helps.

my personal opinion..

- i think the header looks good.
- "how to defend yourself.." yeah, for some reason it blurs when I look at it, although I'm not sure if it's blurry or not. I think it may be the shadowing or something.
- overall page is too long for my style
- too much little text, and not enough emphasis on the selling points

overall, it's not bad. nice work!

I also want it, and I don't have any of those negative self-talk lines running through my head. That's how good it is.

My initial impression was "scary." The images seem out of a horror film (particularly the marionette box cover at the top) and are truly psychologically disturbing. Horror--really scary stuff, not slasher film--is my favorite genre, and this page still bothers me.

I agree about the shadowing creating some kind of a moire affect.

Thanks for a great example of how copy should be and affect its audience.

Charles, I like you and your comments on this forum a lot. But I don't like this. None of it. I think it a turkey. Its confusing. What is the hook exactly? Something about "human parasites" wanting to manipulate me? Pass.

There's way too much stuff happening above the fold. At first glance the graphic looks like it might be the cover of a Porno flick. "Your unfair advantage"? To what? "Dark persuasion techniques" - and what will they do for me? Too nebulous by half. You need to grab me by the cojones and force me to read on. This isn't doing it.

Pre-head is so-so. The headline is limp. "Human parasites" - first thing I thought of was nits or fleas or something.

The three starred bullet points that follow - don't grab me either.

At this point I lose interest.

The layout is very dated. There are WAY too many bullets. And the real turn-off? The Warrior Forum testimonials from the "usual suspects" - on a Clickbank offer. Which tells me straight away that this used to be a WSO.

I'm sorry to be a negative-Nellie, Charles but I predict this will tank as a Clickbank launch.

Oh yeah - the "Bonuses" just scream "I don't really think this worth the $37 I'm offering it for so I hope this will swing the deal".

Hope this doesn't ruin your day. But really...I think the whole thing needs a re-think. Starting from the top. Get rid of all that stuff I talked about and just go for the the throat. Get yourself a killer headline and go from there. Something simple like -

I agree with the comments on the graphic headline. It doesn't look right. The color isn't right either imo, along with the sub-headline/bullets w.e that is.

You can't go wrong with a nice red colour like the one on the banner you've used that says 'Dark Persuasion Tactics'
Its easier on the eye.

I disagree on the part about the bullets, there are plenty of control ads still running that use nothing but bullets. Sometimes ive looked at them stunned at how many damn bullets they can put in without losing reader interest.

But many good ads still rely on bullets in the deck copy to sell. Good examples of this are many controls and former controls by Bencivenga and Makepeace where they would flip techniques.

At one point they do bullet points as in

*
*
*

Next they do the ... bullet... bullet... bullet... into strings of paragraphs.

Then they switch over to standard pargraphs with bullets as sentences along with breaks inbetween giving some selling point or answering some objection.

Also many Double Your Dating pieces are almost entirely bullets, testimonials and an intro doing the old problem solution type phase. Not for the ebooks but for the larger courses they are still using this massive line of bullets.

Furthermore many boardroom ads and nightingale conant ads online are primarily selling the products on the strength of the bullets, testimonials, and the relationship with the company.

I dont think theres anything wrong with a lot of bullets, it just has to be done properly, and in an interesting way, that doesn't bore the reader, or exhaust them. Halberts ads and most of the former boardroom controls used to consist of a headline, introduction, bullets, and a close.

Its not doing anything for me. I've never awakened in the middle of the night, slapped my forehead and said, "My God! How can I defend myself against human parasites running my life."

It's not a benefit that will sell except to the paranoid. Unless I don't understand your market, you're way off the mark.

The deal is, you're talking about "dark persuasion techniques". I don't want to protect myself from dark persuasion, I want to practice it. Entiendes?

Irony...

This entire thread is irony...

- Alex

Thanks goes out to all who responded. I learned a lot from this exercise. Working on making some suggested changes now.

I liked Mal's headline suggestion and will probably use it or some variation of it.

Oh, one other interesting thing. I posted this yesterday at around 8:30 Pacific time. By 6:00 pm I had two sales. This thread had just over 250 views at that time. I also have a CB launch notice on the JV board but that only had 12 views.

Since visitors to this or the JV board are not looking to buy stuff I find two sales particularly encouraging. Like I said yesterday, sometimes things work even if they don't fit the mold. Thanks again to all.

Hi Charles,

Once the dust has settled and you're pretty much done making changes, let me know and I'll take a crack at editing it and camping it up.

I think you've received excellent advice overall. People have been very generous with their ideas. It's nice to see.

Feel free to PM me when you're ready.

- Rick Duris