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Compare Two Competeing Pages By Two Warriors...And My Own Try...

by BizBooks
15 replies
I had two warriors each create a salespage form scratch for a coaching service.

Warrior #1 Created

Business Coaching By an Expert - business credit coaching

And Warrior #2 Created

Business Credit Secrets

which of the two was more likely to get you to pull the trigger?
#compare #competeing #pages #warriors
  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    If you want to know the answer simply split test them.

    But frankly... they are both quite poor.

    There's no hook in either of them. They do nothing to position you. They both "look" cheap. And that's just for starters...

    If you're signing anyone up @ $200 a month from either of those letters it's not because of the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    Thanks for the replies. I have lowered the price to $45 a month as well as made some improvements.

    This coaching is really meant for a specific list of buyers I am targeting... but I do not want to send out the offer to a list until I have the page converting...

    there is only one time to do it right the first time
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    • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
      Originally Posted by BizBooks View Post

      I have lowered the price to $45 a month as well as made some improvements.
      I definitely don't think you should lower the price.

      You just need better copy
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        Sorry, neither of these pages would convince me to buy.

        You're positioning yoursel as "an expert". Yet the design and copy scream "amateur". It's completely contrary to the image you're trying to portray.

        Additionally, your headline claims you were one of Entrepreneur Magazine's Top 10. That's a pretty big claim, and one which should be easy to show proof. Neither page shows any proof that you're not just throwing around a line of BS. Worse, when I Google your name, I get nada.

        This is not good. It makes you look like a fraud. Again, NOT good for enhancing credibility as "an expert".

        Lots of work to be done here. The problem is not your price point. If you are who you say you are, and deliver the results you say you can, you can ask whatever you want. Unfortunately, as both those pages are right now, no amount of price-cutting is going to convince anyone of the value of your offering.

        My suggestion would be to outsource the design and copy, and concentrate on doing what you do best.
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        • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
          Thank You for all the input!

          The reason you don't get my name in Google is because I am trying to NOT use my full name in the Copy...

          Thank You-- Will Update!
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    The second page is just slightly better than the first, and that's not saying much.

    Whatever poster above used the word "lifeless" hit the nail right on the head.

    The layout is extremely basic and does not get anyone to continue to scroll down and read what's there.

    If you want any sales to speak of it's a good idea to start over again right from square 1 and hire someone who can pull this off.

    Best of luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author ecoverartist
    Yep, neither one would get me to pull the trigger. The fact that you're one of Inc. Magazine's Top 10 Entrepreneurs is a definite selling point, and I might be interested in business coaching... but then the copy goes off and talks about credit ratings right in the first paragraph and...you lost me.

    Design and copy both need a serious lift (I'm available for hire on both!) since the "white text/red headline/blue background" screams "1997" to me. I think with the right kind of design, a strong headline and the right hook, you're bound to get some inquiries!
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  • Profile picture of the author pavondunbar
    Hi BizBooks...

    I personally don't like either one of them...

    Maybe you could offer a piece of the training material, say, in a PDF transcript and offer itt o subscribers as a free gift...

    At least that's what I would do...

    Hope this helps!

    Pavon

    PS: Keep up the good work, though!
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    Cost Effective Mobile Marketing For You & Your Business
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  • Profile picture of the author Palo Coyote
    It was about YOU as opposed to being about ME. Guess who I'm more interested in? The people you are targeting are more interested in "What's in it for me?" Just human nature.
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    how's the above in comparison?
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  • Profile picture of the author BizBooks
    Whoa, kcartlidge. Thanks!

    I'm going to fix it up-- BUT --- testimonials will do the showing of what I have done for people... I have one warrior that should have a testimonial for me tomorrow with what i've accomplished for her........
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  • Profile picture of the author TracyNeedham
    kcartlidge had a lot of great suggestions. One I'd add is that you have to give more detail to the "I have the education and experience required to help you..."

    Even with testimonials, I still think you need to back this up some with a few tidbits about what this experience is and your accomplishments with your own business(es), etc.

    Also, change "tangible results" to something that more specifically references more money, more sales, better bottom line, etc.

    Tracy
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    Get You (& Your Offline Customers!) More Sales, More Clients & More Money! 3 Easy Systems + the special secret sauce... TESTIMONIAL T.N.T.

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