Your copy seems relatively good.

That said, you may be shooting at the wrong target.

Who is the main customer for this product? The person who wants strong shoulders or the person who has shoulder pain?

That's an important question you need to answer so that you can orient your copy to hit the benefits your most typical customer is after.

I bet the pure "pain angle" would be the winner.

You clearly know what you are doing to a certain extent and understanding your customer base is essnential to giving proper criticism.

Rather than rip the whole thing apart, I would suggest just giving the top panel a few tweaks and testing conversions.

The first thing I would try would be a more generic "get rid of shoulder pain" approach.

Right now you have too many messages going through at once:

- relieve your injury
- relieve your pain
- make your shoulders strong

Likely, one of those is bringing in the conversions and the other two are hurting them by being mentioned so early in the copy...

These are easy-to-do stretches and exercises, right?

Then prove it to them!

A quick video demonstrating one of these exercises could go a long way. Give them something they can use right away to help solve their problem. Let them experience it for themselves.

As someone who has successfully treated torn rotator cuff injuries, tendonitis, and other musculo-skeletal injuries I was interested to see what you had to say and the marketer in me felt that the graphics, copy, and offer look fairly good.

But, as a skeptical consumer you do not offer enough social proof since it seems that the only person this protocol worked on was you.

The Expert section while looking interesting failed to offer additional reason for someone to invest since being an "enthusiast" in my book does not constitute being an expert by any stretch and it also served to undermine your credibility and raise a red flag.

Also the "Doctor Recommended" area is a bit thin in concept in my mind since it seems that only 1 doctor recommends your product. So while you are not lying, the truth seems to be stretched and you are coming across as being larger than you are. So all depending on how one sees it one might call that clever marketing or might call it deception.

IMO, you use way too many "I's" in the beginning of the copy which leads me to conclude that the social proof that you really need is just not there and you are basing the success of this technique on one single outcome.

Also the URL does not seem to do any good to work towards earning more sales. What does "get strong shoulders" have to do with helping people who are in pain? I only skimmed the copy, but you definitely did not show how strengthening the shoulder region will help alleviate ones pain.

Finally your P.S.'s are too weak because they do not motivate the consumer.

Best of luck!

Your sales copy seems to be reasonable but you are just casting your net in a very narrow market.

Did you do a proper research on the size of your market. It doesn't look to me like a hot button issue.

Personally, I don't have need for this product nor do I know anyone who might need it.

Don't sell only the steak. Sell both Steak and Sizzle!

There have been some great comments on this thread, so I won't rehash what's already been written. Let me instead add a few points...

First, there is an incongruency between the woman in the photo and the voice of a male weight lifter. You have a natural resonance with the weight lifter population, so I think that should be your primary target and focus.
You could JV with fitness gurus and such.

The copy, while competent, isn't all that exciting and engaging. It must be fascinating for the reader to stay engaged.

The bullet points fall a little flat. Not much intrigue and excitement in them.

Your "urgency" sounds entirely manufactured. The regular price seems artificially inflated. And I believe a price of $37 will, oddly enough, convert better than $34.95. The latter price "feels" like it's more expensive even though logically the brain says it isn't. Try it and see what happens.

You definitely need testimonials. Give it away for free if you have to, on condition you get a testimonial.

Try featuring the endorsements earlier on the page--maybe even allude to the doctor endorsement in your headline.

Thanks all for the insightful comments. Looks like I've got some reworking to do.

@Gurupoints: I'm going for shoulder pain primarily. Solving the injury IS solving the pain, so the two go hand in hand. You're right though, I could tone down the strength bit. Perhaps I should've gone for a different brand in the first place.

@TimSchaefer: I'm producing some photo/video material this weekend. I've been meaning to do it for a while, and am sure it will increase conversions.

@Justin: I'm not sure which section you mean by "Expert"? The "doctor" recommended bit was added to give some credibility since you're right, I don't have any official qualifications, just a history of having been through the problem myself. I also don't have any social proo, although the techniques are widely practised and taught by doctors and physical therapists.

I thought the PSs were quite good, and re-iterating the bigger selling points (security, guarantee, instant access, time limited discount, solve the pain FAST etc..). Perhaps you could give me an example of how I might make them more motivational?

@RareGoodStuff: there certainly is a market, yes. Shoulder pain is quite substantial, and definitely desperate.

@procopywriter: I'll be split testing that photo at the top very soon. I agree about the bullet points. That's the part of the sales letter I struggle with the most. How to tease the reader without giving anything away.

I'm also going to split test a few more price points. My main competitor does well with $39.95. I'll probably be trying $30.95, $34.95, $37, $39, $39.95 and $39.97. I could probably add a short justification for the price, and make the sale more clear.

The doctor endorsement is underlined in the headline - "Doctor Recommended". You're right though, I do need testimonials. I might chuck in an exit-popup to offer it to people. In fact, that's a great idea.

Thanks again everyone. Hopefully this weekend's work will produce some pleasant changes.

I'd avoid "doctor recommended" and let the reader "figure it out" themselves. They like doing that.

I agree with Aaron, there's nothing good about your $99 thing. There's no reason for it whatsoever.

The focus on you is a great story but only to a point. From there you need to explain how once you had finally perfected your program you tried it on others with great success. As it stands your swinging from painstakingly putting together something while healing and then suddenly it works like magic. Well which is it? Did your shoulder get better straight away or did you have to research and figure out $40 of useful info during the process?

I'd be tempted to try the angle of how a RCI is a real nightmare and once people heard you were researching you had a lot of volunteers, desperate for relief. Then explain that having finished up your program you're still being hunted down by desperate people offering you large sums to help them.

Result? You decided you could help more people with a book on the internet! What a cool idea eh? But the technical guy who helped you create the site insists on $77 a copy until you pay him back. You however are convinced you could sell more copies, help more people and pay him back quicker with a lower price, so for awhile you're trying only $37, in exchange for a testimonial when their shoulder is better. Once you have some testimonials you'll make Bob happy with $77

That's just off the top of my head but my point is you need a REASON why it's cheap and not for long. You need to avoid coming across as an internet huckster too and right now it does indeed smell "hucketerish".

You're pushing yourself as an amature - you need to be one or change the whole approach.


Hope that helps



B.

@Bigsofty: you're right, I do need a better justification for the price, and the sale. I like your approach of being forced to create a book because lots of people wanted it, but the "having to pay back the techie guy" doesn't sit too well. Something similar might work though.. how about, "I'm putting together a physical package, but until that's ready you get the digital package at a lower price" ?

I want to be careful about outright lying too much in the copy. Having to pay the techie guy is a bit of a stretch, but I might produce a physical set in the future, so I can live with that.

Oh, and I got your PM, but I don't have 15 posts yet so I can't reply.

Thanks for all the replies so far, if anyone else has any ideas I'd love to hear them.

Women don't want big shoulders generally.

Is this to end pain or build big shoulders? Two totally
different objectives.

Hey, BTW - I have screwy shoulders and neck pain that
comes and goes - rooted in old injuriues but also
the typical shoulder issues guitar-players get.

I didn't read your whole letter but I can say that
there are plenty of people with similar issues - and
for me it's not about getting stronger at all, it's about
having less discomfort.

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I've got plenty of stuff planned now - mainly emphasising the pain relief aspect of the product rather than strength building, and getting testimonials. I'll be sure to update the thread with any results

Hi Tigger, the techie guy thing was just an example to get you thinking. The physical materials thing sounds good.

I can't remember what I PM'd, hang on.. oh yeah, joint venture. I'll PM with an url.



B.

Let's say you have someone in pain, "GetStrongShoulders" doesn't immediately tell me that you're going to help me with my pain.

If the woman in the picture is expressing pain, how about the "same" woman expressing relief after using your techniques/exercises.

I'd suggest focusing on a target audience (either people with pain in general or body builders).

@Zeal4Life: Good idea about the pictures. I could include a few more of people AFTER the pain.

The URL is a bit of a conundrum. Although it may not be obvious, my target market is anyone with shoulder pain. A few people above have mentioned it, and I know it doesn't immediately give a clue to the pain relief, and while I have considered rebranding, I think I'm going to try and leave that as a last resort.

I reckon I can make the distinction clear at the top of the letter with headers and a very quick introductory text to grab attention and make it obvious that the primary objective of the website is pain relief, then injury prevention as a secondary goal.

Thanks for your thoughts.