Sales Page Feedback Greatly Appreciated - Australia's Largest Young Entrepreneur Event

So right away, I'm a bit confused.

The banner says The Entourage. What the heck is that? I'd have made a separate website just for the YEU event.

The image below, the one that--

--wait, why am I hearing music?--

Oh, a video started automatically. No, thanks.

I stopped it.


The YEU image is interesting, but the yellow text in the bottom right is too small to be easily read by my "I Can't See So Good" eyes. The "$29" could be bigger, too.


So now I'm confused, annoyed, and scrolled down past your headline to the video.

Meaning I didn't even read your main headline. Or your subheadlines.

But that's not a bad thing. Because on reflection, after scrolling back up, your second headline, the "Frustrated..." one, is much better.

The paragraph that follows isn't bad. I'd reorder some of the sentences, though; I know you were making the effort to evoke negativity, but believe it would be more effective to hammer home the positives about attending instead. If people know the economy is bad, they don't need to be reminded.

Your bullet list of features & benefits could use some emotion.

Here's what I'd do:

Trim everything above the "So What "IS"..." headline. I think this is actually where your copy hits its stride. Everything above should be rolled into the rest of the message and the resulting page should be much more brief.

Not sure why you're doing that reducing price headline...it doesn't feel authentic. Let the price be the price. Unless there really IS an early bird discount.

I'm certain your bonuses are worth more than $400. Figure out how.

Then there are those "Sold Out" images at the very end. I'm left with the impression that NO city locations remain available! That I can't buy a ticket. Is that your intention?


So it's not bad, but it does need cleaning up. And you need to consider your page visitor experience.

Every time you have one of these events you throw it up on the Copywriting Forum for a review...

really?

Are you getting a lot of customers from this forum?

Go screw yourself.

@Max: that's why I suggest, not write it out.

Another thing...you've never ever made a single change to any thing on the web page...you've got your mind set to advertise the program...

You've asked for advice...you've been given advice...you've never changed a single thing...

You're just another person who thinks they've got a way around spam.

Thanks very much for the well thought out feedback Jason. I'll look at actioning those suggestions, can see exactly wehre you're coming from.

Max, I'm not sure what your problem is. It's the product that I sell and I'm looking for feedback from a community that I pay to be a part of. Considering we send out emails through companies such as ANZ, Microsoft and Netregistry I probably wouldn't be spending my time too well if I were trying to get sales on here. Maybe just don't open my threads in future?

mate, i'm not sure what you're problem is.

i work inside a company which has a board of directors and investors. clearly something you don't understand. as such, i can't action every modification instantly.

changes have been made and the copy is substantially different from how it was the first time i submitted a letter for review.

feel free to ignore my threads in future.

i'm not exactly an experienced copywriter, so i'd feel rather stupid trying to offer people advice. no point the blind leading the blind.

i have no desire for a rave review, that's not gunna help me at all. reviews such as Jason's have made a significant difference to these pages and my ability to help people through my company.

thanks for your 'feedback' max.

thanks for the feedback Jason.

here's where we're at.

- our stats show that people generally aren't turning off the video so will split test it but will probably leave it for now. i think those of us that frequent sales pages are tired of blaring noise once the page loads, but our market is fairly open to the idea from what we've found.

- with regard to the small yellow text, i've re-done the graphic to make the text bigger and more valuable (outlining the details of the event)

- with regard to the pricing strategy, the discounts are genuine so that's the reason for the discount headline.

- with regard to the headlines. would you say switching the two headlines (placing the frustrated by... headline at the top) would be a good idea?

- i'm going to re-design the sold out image at the bottom, so thanks for letting me know i missed the mark in what i was trying to convey (that all our past events have sold out, have actually had to upgrade the venue size on a couple of occasions). so i'll post the image here directly once i've put it together. would love to know your interpretation of the new version.

- i'm working on a reshuffle and minimisation of that first paragraph, just seeking approval from my MD.

- will work on adding emotion to the bullet points throughout the page.

i never bitched about anyones response aside from yours. which was more an attack on my intentions than a response.

i have a huge amount of respect for copywriters and know that good copywriting is the backbone to success is most businesses today.

the ability to craft words in a manner that is both compelling and effective is a skill that is to be revered, and that's why i'm here so that i can hopefully put better copy out there than most others who don't seek council and pollute the internet with terrible copy that reads like the back of a cereal packet.

i think you've totally misunderstood my personality, opinions and intentions. not sure how that's happened, but i had no intention to insult or offend you. so if i have, apologies.

i'm not sure what you mean by "an affiliate"?

i just hadn't found that many of those on the forums were Australian.

i'd be more than happy to offer a free double pass to those who offer a review.

i'm glad i've been able to ease your frustration. genuinely.

could you clarify what you meant by me being an affiliate though? are you under the impression we're just selling tickets to someone else's event?

hey max,

what's the reason that i'm putting you in touch with our speakers? i'm not entirely certain they'd appreciate me giving out their contact details without due cause.

i've now incorporated The Entourage logo into the YEU logo to tie the two brands together a little more effectively.

i've also made the $29 more obvious in that image.

and i redesigned the 'sold out' image to look like this:

The copy is very ordinary. Corporate-speak. All that stuff at the beginning is summed up in this para - which could be a lot better written.

The headline and deck is boring and cheesy -

"Connect with Australia's Leading Entrepreneurs to Accelerate the Growth of Your Business"

Want to surround yourself with some of the best names in Australian business?

Like to connect with 400 entrepreneurs under 40?


The video is a dud. And then you shove a cloned Belcher Button straight under it - making the page look like a "make money online" offer.


I really wonder why you're coming here for advice when really you should just pay a decent writer and be done with it.

Mal's right.

It's a "message to market" mismatch right now.

Imagine if you were to promote a hot, new entrepreneially-oriented restaurant or club.

Where you go, just to be seen with and around the likes of Mark Zuckerberg, or Houston, (the dropbox.com guy,) and course, the Kardashians, etc. (Excuse my ignorance, I don't know who's hot entrepreneur-wise in Australia.)

Where instead of hard advertising, you do strategically placed press releases, build out a hot YouTube channel, let the whole thing go viral.

It's a different type of marketing that appeals to this crowd.

Not much time left before the first event, but it could be done with the right "get the word out" push.

- Rick Duris

PS: My guess is, as marketers, you have to walk your talk for this crowd to take you seriously. Especially if you're promoting yourselves as an "unconvention."

You know, I usually ignore trolls, but I feel like I've been good lately, so I'm going to reply to you - once, and once only - and then feel good about ignoring you.

Plus, there are a couple of misconceptions in the above post others might have I'd like to clear up.

So...

You keep laughing, I'll keep making my clients money - and we'll both be happy.

For the record, I very much doubt you've run a successful business at all, much less a multi-million dollar one. And I'm not going to lose sleep over not having your respect.

I'm not sure what a "real" job is in your opinion - I've worked in a couple of retail establishments when I was younger, though it's been on a "casual" basis (ie. hours were never set week to week).

Finally, I'm 24 - turning 25 in 9 days (yeah, I know... I'm getting old).

So there you go - you've all learned a few things about me

-Daniel

LOL...I love the CW :-)

Seriously, there's so many interesting characters here. I love copywriters.

As for the OP, your Entourage thing reminded me of the Summit Series in the U.S. These guys got Branson and a couple of other hotshots there. But their thing was limited to only entrepreneurs, and it's invite-only, so it's a different model than yours...but nevertheless, the whole "young entrepreneur" vibe reminded me of them.