Five headlines, one choice - please critique

I think number 2 sounds better discover the secret suggests there's a method not a lot of people know about.

Jon,

They are all duds. The problem is - they're dead boring. Like you've lifted them from "How to write a catchy headline". They sound like you're selling something. Rather than helping or informing.

Imagine you were emailing your best mate about some terrific deal. Would you talk like this? I think not. But you might head it something like -

The simple answer is to just test.

If you are so cheap you cant afford to test 5 headlines then you shouldnt be in business

My Unique Productivity System Promises...

"You'll Bank At Least $5000.00 In 90 Days...
Or YOU PAY NOTHING"

If you want to break out of the pack of the same old headlines that all sound alike...hit your prospects with an irresistible offer right up front.

Bold promises make the reader think you know what you're talking about.

After all, if your program can't deliver...it's just another ho-hum marketing ploy.

Just remember the saying: "If you sell the sizzle without the steak, it's called a scam".

I'm not good at formatting with the options given when doing a post...but hopefully you'll get my point.

You can no doubt take your time and come up with a good offer...I threw this one together as an example.

Also remember, the headline just gets attention...it's worthless if the rest of the sales copy doesn't do it's job also.

Copy Nazi, you did make me chuckle! Yes, I can see your point. The WSO section is crammed full of hyped up headlines using similar phrases.

If so, where is the validity in the common gospel of effective words, such as:discover, how to, secrets? Have the timeless(?) rules of copyrighting changed due to overexposure and lost trust in the marketplace?

How about this one...

Astonishing New Discovery by a Fellow Warrior Explodes His Online Earnings to Over $1,012,023.45!

max5ty wrote a pretty good headline. id steal that one

Dunno about "copyrighting" but "copywriting" basics haven't changed - start with a decent product...have an irresistible offer...grab attention...tell us what you have and why our miserable lives will be so much better if we have it too...tell us the price...tell us where to buy.

I'm not advocating a "hyped up headline" as you put it. I'm saying write something interesting. Something that makes me want to read on. The headline is an ad for your ad.

Which of these would win a split-test? -

I wasn't suggesting your version was hyped. I meant that lots of headlines are very hyped in the WSO section.

Regarding the split-test, my honest answer is...I don't know. I say this for two reasons. Firstly, since I have studied loads of copywriting in the past, I am jaded with reading the same buzz words that copywriters use. However, this doesn't mean to say that my audience is as jaded as I am. Consequently, they may still pull.

Secondly, I read some research that had copywriters try to predict which squeeze page would do best. The outcome was they couldn't tell. Note that each squeeze page wasn't the difference between a complete amateur version verses highly polished. Its just that only testing gave the answer.

In an ideal world, I would like to rotate headlines but since its in the WSO forum, that might be more tricky.

If you asked me if I liked your approach, yes i do. Would it pull better? Maybe for people who have done lots of copywriting!

How about this headline

Discover How A Fellow Warrior went From zero to over $1,012,00 working less while getting more done ... while holding down a Day Job!

Discover How A Fellow Warrior went From zero to over $1,012,00
Online using My Unique Productivity System

ramohr, that would be nice except IM is my day job!

2 points
Steve says:

“Productivity” (System or Science) - doesn’t quite do it – it sounds a bit like “work” – which usually puts people off.

made me laugh out loud,
I am every day embarrassed by the shallow superficial nature of the general mass,
think: what would the Jones buy today ?
most of my hard worked on copy did less then the 1 time shout out of stupid nonsense; it is a pain to admit most people do NOT read.
Most people just skim, and this is getting more and more the way of younger people,
a "just in time, only when in need" mentality. People skim websites, phones, posters, letters.



the tip of maxty5 is gold: to stand out, all 5 lines come straight out your swipe file hmm..? I ones purchased the "buy" words additive from the "Now I sound just like You"
success series using This Unique Productivity System.

The trouble you got yourself into is a "dog bite his own tail" problem; You try to
convince lazy people to get productive, you even want them to read to the last word
of your sentences. Maxty5 did the trick pressing the "cheap, no risk to try" button, (can come over desperate, people do not like needy people like themselves) there is a PULL in that; You get rich quick or you pay nothing, no risk
In the traditional internet-sales letters there is a money back box, for clickbank sales there is a regular 60day for every sale as a system.

Simple And Fast Action Plan how to make a daily $1012 easy

Understand you want to brand "My Unique Productivity System"
I like the nr 2 if need to choose
Discover The Secrets of How I went From zero to over $1,012,00 Online using My Unique Productivity System




10

Hello,

i think Number 2 sounds well.....

Scrape it off the board...

Both max5ty and the Copy Nazi have excellent
points...

But if you want the easiest headline that can
*definitely* bring you headlines...

Do the conversion-guaranteed headline swipes
(of course if your body copy is decently
written...):
"They laughed when..."
"Who else..."
Use the words "Breakthrough" & "Surprise".

The most reliable, of course, is to grab hold of
a sick proof factor...

...and thrust it through the ground like you're
declaring territory.

If you have Warren Buffett in your headline,
you're going to attract eyes in the investment
market.

If you have the FIRST-ever product based off
R & D for creating healthy weight loss without
surgeries... You're going to steal the limelight
from all those slimming centers in a whisk.

Proof elements can be anything. It can be a
very influential "celebrity", "thought", "study",
etc.

Let it be way sick, and it will convert. Of
course, no headline is born without powerful
research. If you haven't found a proof element,
you haven't researched enough...

... And maybe you need to go back to the
blackboard with a new piece of chalk.

It's easy to write a standard sales letter which
converts at 1%. But it certainly isn't to write
a crazily-converting letter.

Hope this helps.