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Would like a sales page critique

by sanhal
16 replies
Hi Warriors.

My sales page is not converting.

Would love to know how I can improve it.

I know the headline is probably too long.
That was my first reaction when I saw it. ( it was written by a copywriter)

http://www.internetmarketinggurusecrets.co.uk/

thanks

Sandy
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Sandy,

    Your sales page is far from good, and I agree, the headline is too long (it's also truly terrible).

    But first I'd have a look at the offer you're making - £147 for some DVDs featuring people I haven't heard of with absolutely no proof that they know what they're talking about.

    I'm not finding that particularly irresistible.

    So I'd look at strengthening your offer first. Then get proof that these gentlemen are experts. And then I'd scrap your current sales page and start from scratch (off the top of my head, I'd base it around why you need to learn from these "Magnificent Seven" marketers).

    Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author thehorizon
      I think you might be able to expand on
      your "nutritionist" role and how it's highly
      relevant as being an expert in what you're
      trying to sell. You might be able to make it
      into a good hook.

      Though it's also overplayed.

      Remember, there's a "secret technique"
      that is not so secret anymore... But very,
      very underplayed. That is to...

      ...Provide value in your copy. While it
      might be a sales page without doubt, don't
      give the immediate impression you're
      there to sell it. It first skyrockets the
      readership rate, which you can gradualize
      the reader from info-seeking mode to
      "I need this freaking badly" mode.

      Sell the sub-headline.

      Then sell the copy or video.

      Then sell the benefits.

      Then all of them are part of a conversion
      funnel to edge the reader to be more
      convinced of a relevant solution to his
      desire. This is "opening the sale" so you
      need to do itwell. Then you use the "close"
      after you open.

      Just some basics I found missing imho.
      Not a great copywriter myself.
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    • Profile picture of the author sanhal
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hi Sandy,

      Your sales page is far from good, and I agree, the headline is too long (it's also truly terrible).

      But first I'd have a look at the offer you're making - £147 for some DVDs featuring people I haven't heard of with absolutely no proof that they know what they're talking about.

      I'm not finding that particularly irresistible.

      So I'd look at strengthening your offer first. Then get proof that these gentlemen are experts. And then I'd scrap your current sales page and start from scratch (off the top of my head, I'd base it around why you need to learn from these "Magnificent Seven" marketers).

      Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps.
      Hey Andrew,

      I am surprised you have not heard of these people as you are in the UK too.

      Sandy
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        I've only heard of two of them myself Sandy and I've been in this game for years. The others I wouldn't know them from Adam.

        If your copywriter was attempting to tell a story s/he failed on this front big time. When you tell a story within the body of your copy typically speaking you would use either a real life case study / example of one of your current customers or a fictional person, not yourself. In actual fact what you have isn't a story at all.

        You'll be better off truth be told employing another more experienced copywriter from this forum to redo this for you. Please don't ask me though, your niche doesn't interest me in the slightest.

        Best regards,


        Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author robchapman
    Hi Sandy,

    I am going to have to agree with Andrew. Your site lacks testimonials that would help to add authority to the gurus and value to your product. As it stands right now you need to drastically reduce the price until you can generate some testimonials from people who have tried the product.

    I wouldn't scrap the whole sales page as it does have some good qualities (ie good graphics and back ground), but the sales copy could use some work.
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    • Profile picture of the author sanhal
      Originally Posted by robchapman View Post

      Hi Sandy,

      I am going to have to agree with Andrew. Your site lacks testimonials that would help to add authority to the gurus and value to your product. As it stands right now you need to drastically reduce the price until you can generate some testimonials from people who have tried the product.

      I wouldn't scrap the whole sales page as it does have some good qualities (ie good graphics and back ground), but the sales copy could use some work.

      Hey Rob,

      The terms of my licence says I cannot sell them for less than £147 or I would have done. What I have done instead is to add the installment plan as was suggested to me by an experienced internet marketer.

      Thanks

      Sandy
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    By gum Sandy, it's boring. Dreadfully, dreadfully boring. Blimey. Where to start?

    Your positioning is completely up the creek for starters.

    Headline? What headline? Open inverted comma, no closing inverted comma?

    First sentence, far too long. This is no way to encourage the reader to read the second sentence down. A slippery sales funnel, not. A major fail.

    What else?

    Well, would you honestly describe this as conversational in tone? There's a lot of emphasis on you isn't there? I this, I that, I something else, I've etc. What happened to writing in the second person using more instances of 'you' and 'your'? Remember...

    ...the reader isn't interested in you, they're interested only in themselves and what you can do for them. They're asking themselves whilst reading this, "What's in this for me?" True? Of course it's true.

    To be perfectly honest with you, I only got part way through your introduction before you had me bored to tears. Good on you for trying but copywriting I don't think at this stage of your career is necessarily going to be your forte.

    The best think you can do Sandy is to invest in the services of one of the more experienced and professional copywriters on this forum.

    Kindest regards,


    Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author opt in
      Your Headline is definitely tooooooooo long. Very rare someone has the time and patience to read a long introduction or headline when visiting a page for the first time. Headline has to hook the reader within a few words!!!

      I'm convinced: shorter headline (a few words) will make a big difference in your conversion. And graphically, the headline has to stand out above all the rest of the page.

      Cheers

      David
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Blimey! I just looked at the page again. You mean...

        ...you mean, Mark looks incredulous, all of THAT is the blinkin' headline? Just the main headline? Crikey! And there's me initially thinking the main headline was just the one word, "Fastastic! Du'hhhHH.

        That's the problem with those bloomin' exclamation marks. They stop you dead in your tracks. Here's me thinking there were 6 sub main headlines. The closed inverted comma was all the wayyyyy down there?

        Hmmmmm, how about trying to limit your main headline to just 16-18 words?

        Stir one emotion only, find your biggest benefit to draw them in and make them an irresistible offer they cannot refuse. And keep it truthful. Mind the hype. Now go write 50 main headlines in the next 1hr 15 minutes precisely.

        Then post what you think is your best one back here.

        See you soon,


        Mark Andrews
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        • Profile picture of the author markpocock
          Looks to me like the headline is a swipe of Bill Bonner's
          International Living opening...

          "You look out your window, past your gardener, who is busily pruning the lemon, cherry, and fig trees... amidst the splendor of gardenias, hibiscus, and hollyhocks.
          "The sky is clear blue. The sea is a deeper blue, sparkling with sunlight.
          "A gentle breeze comes drifting in from the ocean, clean and refreshing, as your maid brings breakfast in bed.
          "For a moment, you think you have died and gone to heaven.
          "But this paradise is real. And affordable. In fact, it costs only half as much to live this dream lifestyle... as it would to stay in your own home!
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          • Profile picture of the author NickN
            You say a copywriter wrote that "headline"?

            You could pull a headline out of that novel at the top of your page:

            "Discover the Closely Guarded Secrets Top Internet Marketers Use to Make 6-Figures... While They Sleep!"

            or

            "REVEALED: The BIG Money-Making Secrets Top Internet Marketers Would Hate for You to Know"

            These aren't great, but they're a little closer to what you need.
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            • Profile picture of the author sanhal
              Originally Posted by NickN View Post

              You say a copywriter wrote that "headline"?

              You could pull a headline out of that novel at the top of your page:

              "Discover the Closely Guarded Secrets Top Internet Marketers Use to Make 6-Figures... While They Sleep!"

              or

              "REVEALED: The BIG Money-Making Secrets Top Internet Marketers Would Hate for You to Know"

              These aren't great, but they're a little closer to what you need.
              Hey Nick

              A copywriter wrote the whole thing.

              Thanks for the headline ideas. They are a lot better than the one I currently have.

              Sandy
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    • Profile picture of the author sanhal
      Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

      By gum Sandy, it's boring. Dreadfully, dreadfully boring. Blimey. Where to start?

      Your positioning is completely up the creek for starters.

      Headline? What headline? Open inverted comma, no closing inverted comma?

      First sentence, far too long. This is no way to encourage the reader to read the second sentence down. A slippery sales funnel, not. A major fail.

      What else?

      Well, would you honestly describe this as conversational in tone? There's a lot of emphasis on you isn't there? I this, I that, I something else, I've etc. What happened to writing in the second person using more instances of 'you' and 'your'? Remember...

      ...the reader isn't interested in you, they're interested only in themselves and what you can do for them. They're asking themselves whilst reading this, "What's in this for me?" True? Of course it's true.

      To be perfectly honest with you, I only got part way through your introduction before you had me bored to tears. Good on you for trying but copywriting I don't think at this stage of your career is necessarily going to be your forte.

      The best think you can do Sandy is to invest in the services of one of the more experienced and professional copywriters on this forum.

      Kindest regards,


      Mark Andrews
      Hi Mark

      I did not write it. It was, in fact, written by a copywritter!

      The reason it was about me was because he was telling a story. I've been told that that is one way of writing a sales page.

      I have already contacted several copywriters on this forum.

      Sandy
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    The first issue is readability.

    What a piece of crap. While I agree the headline is clearly a swipe the writer has no idea how to swipe correctly. This whole thing should be chucked in the garbage.
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Treacy
      Hey Sandy,

      I agree with what everyone else is saying about the headline...it's a little too long. I believe 18 words or less is a good rule of thumb. Typically, the headline and the offer are the two main things to tweak. In addition, you need to get more proof factors.

      Plus, where is your traffic coming from? This could make a huge difference in conversions.

      -Joe T.
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      • Profile picture of the author mowse73
        Hi sandy.

        I hope you didn't pay too much for this copy. I would have expected to see some proof of how your life has been turned around thanks to the dvd's.

        I'm not a copywriter myself but even I could see how bad this copy is.

        I think you could do well with the product if you have lots of proof about the 7 guys in your dvd's.

        The thing is, people see this sort of product everyday and there is so much crap out there now...you just think "YEH RIGHT! ANOTHER BLOODY GURU." And when you get your product it's the same crap pitched in slightly different way that leaves you with more questions than answers...they tell you what to do but not how to do it.

        I want some bloody amazing proof that this is going to be the one that works, the real deal...because i'm pissed off with giving assholes my money for crap I have watched a dozen times before.

        your copy states "If you had to pay one of these experts on their topic to consult with, you would expect to fork out at least £100 per hour, if not even more"

        Well woopee doo...I know plumbers that get more than that. I think you should add another 0 to that figure'
        These are just a few of the thoughts going on in the mind of your customer(me).

        Did you see proof of your copywriter's past work?

        I hope this works out well for you in the end.

        Good luck..keep on trying.

        Martin

        P.S. If this product is so amazing why don't you give the first DVD away free. Take it for 30 days, you will be banging on my door for the other six etc..If you Don't cancel your order the rest will be shiped out to you.
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