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Which is most effective?

by YourZulu
15 replies
Hey everybody! First post here, just started lurking two days ago.

I was looking to get your thoughts on story telling in copy.

What view point is most engaging to the reader; 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?

Examples:

4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- I awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

4:16 am- You wake up. Startled and in a cold sweat...

Obviously they are pretty close in effect, but is there one that is more engaging? Is it situational?

Any input would be appreciated!
-YZ
#effective
  • Profile picture of the author Simon Ashari
    You may need to be more specific about the situation you are planning on using this particular story.

    I would personally recommend first person. Here's why.

    Second person can be construed as putting words in the readers mouth (or telling him/her how they should feel). They also know that the story isn't real.

    Third person might work but the reader is denied a personal connection with the person who is writing the copy.

    I guess you could test. Just my 2 cents.

    -Simon

    p.s. here is a good piece of copy that uses 2nd person. It is from David Deangelo's (Eben Pagen's) double your dating series. A series that has made him millions.

    Double Your Dating | On Being A Man

    The story starts a few paragraphs down. It is in second person (maybe I am wrong).
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Simon Ashari View Post


      p.s. here is a good piece of copy that uses 2nd person. It is from David Deangelo's (Eben Pagen's) double your dating series. A series that has made him millions.

      Double Your Dating | On Being A Man

      The story starts a few paragraphs down. It is in second person (maybe I am wrong).
      I'm a notorious skimmer - after all, I read a LOT on a daily basis. I looked at this guy's page and read every single word. And then I wanted to find out what on earth his definition of being a man was. Definitely well written, and thanks for sharing.
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      Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author YourZulu
    Well, I don't have a specific use for this information. I was just generalising the idea because I was curious after reading a few stories in copy.

    On that, I didn't really think about the reality of the story for the reader. I was tunnel visioned on, "it could connect on a deeper level... Or something"

    Cheers!
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  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Second person, present tense is the most powerful in the hands of a skilled writer. It forms the strongest mental images, but if it's over done the reader will feel manipulated and decide not to play.

    First person and third person are about equal for skilled writers.

    Average writers should stick with first person.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      I agree, 2nd person.

      For storytelling advice in sales copy, if you need it, contact Vin Montello - Montello Marketing.

      He's the bees knees in this department.

      View Profile: MontelloMarketing

      All the best,


      Mark Andrews
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      • Profile picture of the author Austin357
        Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

        I agree, 2nd person.
        I agree with you on this Mark. It has always given me the most impact for my copy.
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      • Profile picture of the author NickN
        Depends on the context. No matter what grammatical person you're using, though, you need to make your story relate to the reader.

        A good example of third-person in an ad is Martin Conroy's "Two Young Men" advertisement for the Wall Street Journal.

        Here's a link to a site with the copy of this ad. It starts a little ways down the page. (Couldn't find the actual ad. Oh, and I have no affiliation with this site.)
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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      The real question is: What story do you have to tell? Rather then how are you going to tell it.
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      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by YourZulu View Post

    Hey everybody! First post here, just started lurking two days ago.

    I was looking to get your thoughts on story telling in copy.

    What view point is most engaging to the reader; 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?

    Examples:

    4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

    4:16 am- I awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

    4:16 am- You wake up. Startled and in a cold sweat...

    Obviously they are pretty close in effect, but is there one that is more engaging? Is it situational?

    Any input would be appreciated!
    -YZ
    You can amplify all of them by writing:

    "4:16 AM - Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke."

    Put the emotion triggering words first. Followed by the reason why or logic inducing words.

    Doing so creates a tension-release process in the sentence. One is not told why or who was startled in a cold sweat until after the emotion triggering words.

    It's a small point, but extremely powerful. It's more dramatic.

    Because the brain is forced to process/internalize the emotions without knowing the context or the person being startled.

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      "4:16 AM - Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke."
      Would you mind writing the next line or two please Rick?

      Only you do excel in this area. And coming from you, it would be really interesting to see how you personally unfold this story to the rapt attention of your audience.

      Who just happens to be in this case, me. And a few others no doubt.

      Do you mind? Please.

      Plus an explanation of why you included the following couple of sentences and how this is playing on the emotions.

      Thanks,


      Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Sure, Mark. No problem.

    ----

    Startled, in a cold sweat, Mary awoke, not knowing why. [Set up. Lots of unanswered questions.]

    Suddenly, laying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling... IT came to her. ["Suddenly" is a trance word and must be internalized. More description. Suspense. What is "IT?"]

    "Damn it!" she mumbled to herself. [Climax coming, but doesn't resolve quite yet.]

    She had left off a period on one of the sentences in her last blog post. [Fact. Boring, but now there's a release. Situation resolved. But now the question is this: Why is Mary so anal retentive about her blogging?]

    ----

    In the Gary Halbert school of copywriting, you learn to write "like a greased chute."

    In screenwriting, they teach you to create a roller coaster ride.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author vlazidis
    The sentence in the first person narrative. It immediately drew me into wanting to read more.
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  • Profile picture of the author ProfJannes
    4:16 am- Mary awoke. Startled and in a cold sweat...

    I can associate with it much easier and I immediately want to know more about Mary, is she attractive/married/happy/sad etc.

    ~ Jannes
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