Long time no see - this involves a critique request. Fair warning.

I think the whole think needs to be rewritten. To many problems to list.

Okay, well I appreciate your input. Here is what I did and why.... so if anyone else wants to point out the errors, feel free...

I made the headline and bold text convey the summary of what I was saying... attempting to have them convey a message if a reader was to read those and those alone.

Kept speaking about self to a minimum, except where speaking of self tied directly to an answer to their problem.

Identified an understanding of their market and a specialization in (and successful record with) serving their audience. Testimonials to follow, before site goes "live".

Agitated their pain by calling to mind the frustration and fears I have heard many new and student coaches express regarding mainstream marketing.

So.... that's pretty much it. All of these points are things I have gathered in reading the posts by folks here on the forum and in reading recommended titles.

Well its possible that I dont know your market but I really think that the typical entreprenuer whos thinking about hiring a copywriter is going to look at your copy and compare it to other people offering copywriting services.

And I think hes going to hire them instead of you.

Go type in "WSO Copywriter" in the search box, then take a look at some copy. While I realize you are not marketing on the warrior forum I want you to see what other people are doing.

They have far, far stronger sales letters than you and are going to cream you if you dont do something about it.

Jenny,

Considering your target market, this is a decent first draft.

You need to reorganize it so that your opening creates rapport with the reader instead of talking about yourself. You can talk about yourself after you've got them nodding their heads in agreement with you.

When you do talk about yourself, introduce yourself. Give your name. Provide a photo. Explain your credentials as a heart-centered entrepreneur. Potential clients who click with you want to respond to a person, not to an argument.

I don't think the Warrior Forum is the best venue for you to receive feedback because so many people here reject your premise that heart-centered entrepreneurs need to be approached in a different way. Whatever feedback comes up here that doesn't feel right to you, or that doesn't seem to come from someone who gets what you're trying to do, just ignore it.

Marcia Yudkin

This is gonna be a little rough...
No offense.
=============
Headline
Why not have a pre-head?

Why is your headline green?

Where's the benefits?

Where's the post-head? (the first subhead)

Why not title case?

Why is the text green?

Why is the text green?

Why is the text green?

Why is the text green?
----------------------------
Opening

Where's the big promise?

Why not use the if,then,because formula? It's effective, it's simple - it gets the job done.

Your opening paragraph is so weak it's pitiful. Kinda like this...

Why are you talking about yourself, before you've introduced yourself?

Why are you talking about yourself so much?

"I even debated deleting that post because it wasn’t as polished as my other copy. Good thing I didn’t because that one paragraph of authenticity kick-started my career!"
Who cares? You go into it a bit into your next paragraph - but instead of saying "kick started my career" say "that one paragraph brought in $X - by itself."

-Side note - if Marketing is the scary M-word. Why not put it up and center? You're there to take care of their marketing problems - fear dissipates.

--"You know the ads… huge lettering, overuse of exclamation points, and bold red arrows everywhere. Promises of making “thousands of dollars overnight” scream at you from the page. You can picture the seller in a tacky plaid suit, standing just a little too close to your face (with hot breath, no less)."

Here's something consider...

At John Carlton's last Action Seminar - Somebody asked how to pierce through all the noise (this is when product launches was the crack cocaine of the IM world). And Harlan said this. (I'm paraphrasing)
"How many people think there are too many product launches."
Some good number of hands went up.
Then he said...
"Ok - go and talk to one of the workers at this hotel. And ask them what they think about the number of product launches. Nobody is going to know what you're talking about."

The lesson is this: The world you see, and the world your prospect see, and not the same. And things that seem overdone, or bad to you - may not be to them.
You say "You know the ads… huge lettering, overuse of exclamation points, and bold red arrows everywhere. Promises of making “thousands of dollars overnight” scream at you from the page." - Now there may be some truth to this (especially if you're selling to the IM crowd) - but I can assure you of this, no matter what market they're in - they don't see nearly as many sales letters as you do as a copywriter.
So there's a chance you're projecting yourself into your prospect - a common mistake.

"Have you ever bought something from “that guy”, only to later realize that you really had no need for that thing? How did you feel? Angry? Silly? Manipulated?"
I really love this, by the way. Shifting the responsibility from the prospect, to the marketer. Essentially enabling them - sheer genius.

"Heart-centered businesses operate from a place of service and value. Yes, money matters, but your purpose comes from something deeper than money alone. Your market is sensitive to the hard sell, and if your message doesn’t resonate with them, they will keep searching."

The idea that anyone's prospects are "different" is mostly bull****. People usually use it as a curtain to hide behind, because they're uncomfortable with selling. But I think because people believe their prospects are different (they're wrong), and you then reinforce this belief - is pretty clever, even if it is bad information.

--------------------------------------

Imagine Words Acting As a Bridge Between Your Product or Service and The People Who Want What You Offer.
That’s what soulful copywriting is about…communicating your business’ value in a way that “clicks” with your target market. Once your customers feel connected to you, they will not only buy from you repeatedly, but they will tell everyone they know about their positive experience with you.
Soulful copywriting joins the best of time-tested sales writing techniques with modern, conscious communication. The result is writing that moves your unique audience to action.

I like this. I like that you launch into future casting, in the subhead itself.

---------------------------------

"Would it enable you to help more people or stop lying awake at night, wondering if you will ever be financially comfortable? Maybe it would allow you to quit the day job that no longer fits your values and purpose. Perhaps you’re already doing well but you want a marketing message more aligned with who you are…"

This should not be in a single paragraph, too many ideas going on. Break it down into single lines, maybe even bullets.

---------
"The right words, communicating your highest intent, can make all the difference for your business."
rewrite. "highest intent" sounds like a bunch of fluffy-fooey, if you know what I mean.
-----------

Overall I think this piece needs a lot of work. It seems like you are selling from your heels. Or at the very least, I sense an overall feeling of "selling from the heels" oozes and infects the copy.

Plus it's not clear, exactly who you're talking too - I'm not sure if you've really gotten into the head of your prospects with this piece.

---------------


I'd suggest you study this piece: Copywriting Internet Marketing Direct Mail - Double or Triple Your Profits This Year
It does a good job of selling the copywriter, without going overboard (which seems to be what you're going for.) Plus it's done in a very calm, low-key, just you and me talking tone.
Scott's piece is also pretty good - it does a good job of not going overboard - luring in the prospect, and breaking it down in a calm, and straight forward manner. Scott Murdaugh|Results Copywriting

It just goes to show that using classic copywriting and sales techniques, is not hypey.
Bad writing, and hype is hypey. Not copywriting. You can have one without the other.
Don't skimp on solid salesman ship, just cut out all the stuff that bothers people (which you should always try and do anyways.)

I wrote a different intro to replace the first paragraph, keeping some of the suggestions in mind. This is what I came up with....


It's the beginning of the day. You log into your email and scan the subject lines looking for inquiries from perspective coaching clients. Nothing… again.

When you went through coach training, they never told you how hard it could be to find clients. You focused on honing your skills, thinking if you build it, they will come. Well you built it and you're still struggling to fill your practice.

You know there are other life coaches making six-figure incomes and you're wondering what they have that you don't. I'll tell you what…

They have a powerful marketing message that turns prospects into paying clients.

Before you cut and run at the mention of the word ""marketing", consider this…

If you don't make money at your business, you don't have a business. You have a hobby. Now hobbies are just fine, but they don't pay the bills...

and they don't allow you to spend your work days embracing your calling.

Marketing doesn't have to make you feel pushy or dirty. In fact, soulful copywriting is a method of marketing through words in a way that brings you increased revenue without selling your soul.

Make no mistake though, all copywriting is not created equal.

I think you should also have your copy on the homepage. Don't make your prospect click on the link "Read More". You will lose them.

Read Dan Furman's Do The Web Write. He has some excellent info. on organizing your website. He's a copywriter himself.