6 replies
Hello,

I just am trying to sell my first info product ever and I was wondering if anyone could critique it for me.

My Sales Page Mini Site

I am new at this but feel free to get down to the nit and grit of critiques.

I have never written sales copy in my entire life and I didn't write this either, I just added to it. I tried to make everything flow and make sense.

Been making money offline selling websites, marketing, and mobile websites, but if at all possible for me I would much rather make money online.

Anyways thanks,
I hope I get some good stuff.

Ryan
#abuse #child #knock #step #tear
  • Profile picture of the author rambo9600
    It's about a 5 of 10.

    Fonts are too small.

    I would lighten the background from a dark blue to a light blue.

    Can you add some credibility in your header?

    As seen on TV, Google, etc...?

    Bullets are spaced too far apart.

    Now I've been doing my homework and there are similar books in the market that sell for $47 and above. Frankly, some of the content i've seen them provide is way lesser than what I'm about to give you!
    I would remove this statement.

    Can you include an address, email support, or phone number in footer?
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    • Profile picture of the author ryanpadilla
      Originally Posted by rambo9600 View Post

      It's about a 5 of 10.

      Fonts are too small.

      I would lighten the background from a dark blue to a light blue.

      Can you add some credibility in your header?

      As seen on TV, Google, etc...?

      Bullets are spaced too far apart.

      Now I've been doing my homework and there are similar books in the market that sell for $47 and above. Frankly, some of the content i've seen them provide is way lesser than what I'm about to give you!
      I would remove this statement.

      Can you include an address, email support, or phone number in footer?
      Thanks for the critique. I changes some stuff around based on those suggestions.

      Due to my technical inadequacies I have not been able to figure out how to get the bullet points to go closer as of yet. I used kompozer so I don't know if it eve offers the feature. I suppose I could use photoshop and create the graphics if it's super important to do.

      But other than that I made the fonts bigger and got rid of the line.

      Anything else anyone

      Ryan
      Signature

      <a href="http://bestmobi.us">I build and sell mobile websites.</a> /
      <a href="http://drobelinc.net">I do internet Marketing.</a> /
      2-3 page mobile website for warriors for $45. If you want more we can talk. Just PM Me.

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  • Profile picture of the author ahew
    Also try to draw the eye to some key phrases by using bold and italics in some places. Check the WSO threads or other sales pages to see how other people do it. For example, don't bold

    If you are still not convinced, consider some of these statistics
    or
    INTRODUCING...

    Instead, use it for something like

    180 Million unique visitors a month
    or
    give your business one SERIOUS competitive edge

    These phrases are more about the point you want to get across. Remember that most people skim the text and will only really be reading the bold, italicized and underlined stuff.

    Oh, by the way, you need to use BB code for your signature in this forum, not html. Instead of <a href="...">, you need [url=...] and close it with /url in [] -- I had to write it that way in order to make you see what I'm talking about.


    Cheers and good luck!
    Adrienne
    Signature


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  • Profile picture of the author Matt Ausin
    First, that letter bores me to tears. I just can't force myself to read the whole thing to give a complete critique so the few points below will have to do. However what I really recommend is that you either read a couple of books and read at least 20 sales letters.. or hire a pro.

    Also, I don't know anything about your product, but at least by reading the sales letter even the PLR bonuses appear more valuable.


    The biggest problem is the headline. Right now, it's cheesy (I mean, really.. "Tune in to global conversation"?), and doesn't say anything about why would anyone want to even read your letter, let alone be interested in your product.

    Always remember.. the mindset your prospects have is "What's in it for me?"

    I'd start with fixing the headline. From your sales letter, I understand that your product is sort of a "twitter manual" or something along these lines.

    You are targeting business owners, which is a solid idea. Your promise is to teach them Twitter (in a nutshell), minimize the time investment they need for this amusing pastime and so on.

    So WHY OH WHY aren't you promising that in your headline?

    There's your audience. There's your USP. So why go on about "cashing in with the largest website"?

    I'd at least use (and this is just quickly noodling around):

    Here's How 5 Minutes Per Day Spent On Twitter Can Increase Your Sales And Make Your Customers Buy Anything From You!

    or maybe

    How My Hairdresser Kevin Won Me And 79 Other Customers Over By Using Two Simple Twitter Tricks

    I'm just throwing examples out there, feel free to have a field day with them.

    You get the idea.. promise a CLEAR benefit in the headline. Don't sell twitter, that's just wasting words. Everyone knows WHAT it is. What they need to know is how to use it to their advantage.


    Then, there's no subheadline.

    Then, the first sentence doesn't really invite me to read the next. It could be thrown out all together.

    Would you talk that way to a friend? Probably no. I hope so.

    The first sentence is where you get to the point. Get them reading. This is not the place to announce that you think that they've heard about Twitter. (Many times! sic)

    Instead, go for something that promises them that your letter will teach them what to do next if they want to use twitter to their advantage.



    I could go on and on here but it's back to doing paid work for me.

    This sales letter just won't work (and to be honest the product doesn't look that exciting either but I could be wrong, and the idea is solid).

    If you insist on doing it yourself, write it from scratch and, since you're not experienced enough, you're better off following one of the many proven formulas out there.



    P.S. You DID ask to basically rip you a new one in your thread title I just hope that what I said makes sense to you
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

    Critique wise... it's bloody awful your sales copy. Hand it off to a professional copywriter who knows what they're doing.

    If this seriously is your skill level there's no point beating around the bush telling you, you can ressurect this mess and turn it into a show stopping winner of a sales letter. It's simply not going to happen.

    Just employ somebody else to do it for you who knows what they're doing.


    Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author Anthony707
    Hey,

    
Good start! We all started out with little or no copywriting experience and asking others for help is putting yourself out there in front of others which takes courage.

    I would suggest the "main benefit" to those visiting the website should be the most prominent thing at the top of your website. You only have a second or two to get people interested to read more before they move on!

    So you need to find out what that benefit is to begin with for your visitors. Is it quickly & easily building a Twitter list, is it using Twitter to sell products, is it the time saving potential of Twitter, is it the Viral nature of Twitter etc etc. Then you can craft your heading.

    For me, the top of your website does not have 1 main "compelling" benefit that stands out.

    Also if that main heading benefit is in a different font and or color, it will stand out better.

    Good luck with it all and I suggest investing in some copywriting books.
    Signature

    “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
    ― Albert Einstein

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