Does my direct mail piece need revisions?

To my eye the "voice" is off. You don't speak to the
reader's self-interest quickly or emphatically enough...
and you start off planting the idea that it IS JUNK MAIL.

Anyway, direct mail is tricky stuff. If you haven't read
Ted Nicholas's book "Magic Words That Bring You Riches"
it deals with how to approach businesses and have them
begging for your help... using the mail.

Also Jeffrey Lant's book "Cash Copy" would be a worthwhile
investment for you.

You aren't a bad writer, you're just shooting at the wrong
target.

Just my opinion.

Unfortunately while you may or may not have natural writing ability that does not necessarily mean that it will contribute to writing a successful email that gets results.

Judging by this IMHO you will not achieve the results you want.

If you are sending this to a warm or cold email list this most likely would not get forwarded to the proper person since it just sounds "off".

For example it almost seems like you are nicely pleading for the reader to send it along by writing "please" twice within the first 2 sentences.

Also since you are emailing this to them you are not "speaking" to them since they are reading it.

And by telling them outright that it is not spam automatically makes them question whether it is or is not.

If you can't get this to start out right don't you think they will delete it without having read any more of it - which I will assume is also not quite rightly written?

If you were calling someone and this was a phone script don't you think they would hang up on you?

Don't take it personally, just improve on it, best of luck!

And... you've lost them.

If you can't go to the trouble of finding out the name of the person you want to speak to then why on earth would anyone else go to the trouble of doing it for you?

Good points all around. Loren particularly was hitting the nail on the head when he implied you use postal mail rather than email to initiate contact.

People are very touchy about email these days. Any kind of cold email that even hints of commercial intent is considered spam. I avoid it like the plague because it sends the wrong message--that you're cheap and lazy.

(Opt-in emails are different. I'm not talking that--I'm talking about sending a cold email to someone you've never met and who never requested information from you.)

Instead, use the mail.

Here's what I recommend: write up a report centered around what you intend to help these businesses with. Show them a few tips how to do it, include some case studies or testimonials (even if it's your own story) to support what you're talking about. Include a call to action to set up a free, no obligation consultation.

Then, send a postcard with a hand-written address and live stamp offering the report for free.

This is much better positioning, will instantly boost your perceived value, and will generate better results.

Aaron

I would second Jeffrey Lant's book, Cash Copy. I picked it up at the local used bookstore.

Also, a life changing book for me is, Being Direct by Lester Wunderman. There are great golden nuggets about wording, psychology, etc.

Best of luck, would love to hear about the response.

Theresa