Review Request: Critique My Headline Please

28 replies
***UPDATE***

I've taken some of the advice from this thread and worked up a revision of my copy. Please check out the latest headline and share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you.

Sample Salespage | Niche Profit Powerhouse

Thanks in advance.
Derek
***********************

Hey my Warrior friends,

I'm here requesting your copy expertise. Would you mind reviewing my headline (and really just everything I have up to this point), and sharing your thoughts?

For a bit of context this is a monthly membership site where I provide niche reviews, keyword recommendations, and related PLR content.

I deeply appreciate you taking the time to share, so thanks in advance for all your help.

NOTE: the video is just a placeholder, so ignore it for now.

Sample Salespage | Niche Profit Powerhouse

Thanks,
Derek
#critique #headline #request #review
  • Profile picture of the author BarryADensa
    Not that I'm against John Carlton like paragraph-long headlines -- but they need to contain only one thought, simply stated, to be effective -- i.e., grasped with one reading

    Your headline, I had to read it a couple of times to get the gist of it -- a casual reader will not be so forgiving.

    To begin... what do you mean by exclusive? No one else is allowed? Hardly. What you're apparently trying to do is present an exclusive offer to a select number of people. Exclusive access doesn't say anything -- because anyone who signs up will have access.

    Verdict on that strategy -- Fail.

    DONE FOR YOU -- well, who else are you going to do it for? It's obvious your addressing the reader, so what's your point? You're stating the obvious in capital letters.

    Verdict on that strategy -- Fail

    Easy-Ranking Untapped Goldmine Markets -- three concepts here, none explained. I have no idea what you're promising -- specifically. Too hypey

    Verdict on that strategy -- Fail

    At a price you will never see again -- that could work if it wasn't playing second fiddle to every other idea in this headline.

    Verdict on that strategy -- Abstain.

    Regarding your subhead -- you loose all credibility stating, and implying, the reader will get your exclusive attention and hours of work for just $5.

    Verdict -- Rewrite with one compelling idea in the headline.

    Good luck,

    --Barry
    Signature

    Barry A Densa - Freelance Marketing & Sales Copywriter - WritingWithPersonality.com

    Download a FREE copy of my new eBook, containing 21 of my most outrageous rants, when you visit my blog: Marketing Wit & Wisdom

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737803].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by BarryADensa View Post

      To begin... what do you mean by exclusive?
      The idea was multi-layered I suppose. Limited to only a set number of people for instance. Perhaps more so though the idea was that of gaining access to a behind-the-scenes insider community so to speak.

      Originally Posted by BarryADensa View Post

      DONE FOR YOU -- well, who else are you going to do it for? It's obvious your addressing the reader, so what's your point? You're stating the obvious in capital letters.
      As opposed to you having to do it yourself. That was one of my big selling points. I do it so you don't have to. Automated.

      Originally Posted by BarryADensa View Post

      Regarding your subhead -- you loose all credibility stating, and implying, the reader will get your exclusive attention and hours of work for just $5.
      It's $5 for a one week trial. $27 a month thereafter. This will be explained further in the copy. Again, what is being sold here is a membership site where everyday I post new content regarding high search/low competition keywords I come across. What that said, do you still think having the $5 price point lessens credibility?

      Thanks,
      Derek
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737924].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      "Here's Why I'm Giving You Exclusive Access To Niche Research [Etc., etc.] For Just $5/Month ..."

      Just a simple suggestion. What I think many people are thinking when they see headlines similar to that is "What's the catch?/Why are you doing it?" And by providing a sincere answer (even if it means that you'll hope they'll purchase your products/service/whatever at the premium price) it will help it become a more persuasive headline.

      Note: This is pure speculation on my part, so take it for what it's worth. : ) Maybe you could split test it?
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737935].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

        "Here's Why I'm Giving You Exclusive Access To Niche Research [Etc., etc.] For Just $5/Month ..."

        Just a simple suggestion. What I think many people are thinking when they see headlines similar to that is "What's the catch?/Why are you doing it?" And by providing a sincere answer (even if it means that you'll hope they'll purchase your products/service/whatever at the premium price) it will help it become a more persuasive headline.

        Note: This is pure speculation on my part, so take it for what it's worth. : ) Maybe you could split test it?
        Yes, I will definitely be split testing this. My thoughts were to just get the best versions I could before hand.

        I also agree that providing a sincere answer is important. However I was unsure of how much of the answer comes in the headline, and how much should be developed in the copy.

        Thanks,
        Derek
        Signature
        Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
        This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
        Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
        The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737970].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          I would “tease/entice” them with the headline, and explain it to them in the copy.
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737995].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author BarryADensa
    The idea was multi-layered I suppose. Limited to only a set number of people for instance. Perhaps more so though the idea was that of gaining access to a behind-the-scenes insider community so to speak.
    That's my point -- there are too many layers to this headline. There should be just one. And you just said it better: Limited to a set number. Don't try to be clever. Just say what you gotta say.

    As opposed to you having to do it yourself. That was one of my big selling points. I do it so you don't have to. Automated.
    Again, you just said it better : I do it for you so you don't have to.

    The problem is you're cramming too many ideas into the headline. In the deck copy you can list, bullet point fashion, all these ideas -- so it's easy to read and understand.

    Regarding the $5 that's a judgement call, I would prefer that you state you can get started for just $5, or something similar.
    Signature

    Barry A Densa - Freelance Marketing & Sales Copywriter - WritingWithPersonality.com

    Download a FREE copy of my new eBook, containing 21 of my most outrageous rants, when you visit my blog: Marketing Wit & Wisdom

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5737968].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
    I understand this takes a lot more time to get right, but this is what I've quickly worked up as a first possible revision after reviewing the advice from this thread. Barry, I'd especially love if you would chime in once more as I've tried to take your just-one-idea advice.

    Possible revision:

    ********************
    Are you still struggling with niche marketing? Running short of ideas? Tired of spending all your time on a niche only to not make any money? Then keep reading because...

    "In Five Minutes From Now You Can Be Confident You'll Never Run Out Of Niche Ideas Again!"

    Inside The Niche Profit Powerhouse I Do The Hard Work So You Don't Have To, And Provide You HOT Money-Making Keywords In All The Best Niche Markets Starting At ONLY $5!!
    Signature
    Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
    This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
    Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
    The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738034].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Derek,

      Why scatter gun your message on your page to many different peoples interest,
      when you can target groups of them?

      You'll get many more subscribers that way.

      Technology allows this to happen now.

      Best,
      Ewen
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738146].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Derek,

        Why scatter gun your message on your page to many different peoples interest,
        when you can target groups of them?

        You'll get many more subscribers that way.

        Technology allows this to happen now.

        Best,
        Ewen
        Yes, I see that I may have been too far reaching with that first attempt.

        Thanks,
        Derek
        Signature
        Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
        This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
        Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
        The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738181].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Grain
      Like Barry said, get to the point. There's
      no point in vague statements. Things
      like "easy ranking" simply means a
      whistle in the ears. If you want to sizzle
      the steak, you need to take the eyes of
      your prospect to the sizzle.

      What would strike your target audience
      immediately as a huge benefit?

      "Easy ranking" sounds too vague and
      too amateur. It may backfire and sound
      like you are trying to sweep something
      under the rug.

      Instead, specify. Time taken? What can
      you achieve? How? What's needed? Is
      it easy? How easy? Why are you doing
      this?

      Now I'm not saying you must add so
      many details in. Instead, brainstorm and
      find the one sweetest benefit you can
      blow your prospect away with.

      Your headline just has to "provoke" or
      awaken the curious cat in your prospect
      so that the target prospect knows the
      "topic" and scrolls down to read even
      more.

      At that very moment after the headline,
      you immediately pelt him with contrasts
      and pull his heartstrings until his sales
      pitch BS detector crashes.

      Barry has a point. It's not USPs. It's USP.
      It has to be a 'big idea' that can be
      expressed in one sentence. Just one
      crazy enticing idea set in the correct
      context, like a diamond setting in a gold
      ring.

      If you're going to state a benefit, make it
      as specific as possible. Specialize, and
      talk in "their language".

      SERPs. Competition. Panda. SEO. Or
      things along that line (unless I'm
      mistaken about your target audience)

      Unfold the logical parallels with a story.
      Something lateral and non-linear.

      Explode that desire. Explain every
      single action you do. The why's, the
      how's, the what's. Don't tell them how
      good it is. Show them. Let them see and
      judge for themselves.

      Why a trial? Why a guarantee? Why the
      price point? Why so sneaky? Why so...
      serious?

      Also, don't spread the net too wide. It's
      tragic for conversions. Use special
      funnels to funnel groups of different
      thoughts to specially catered pages. I
      remember there was a wso like that, but
      I can't recall the name.
      Signature

      Kind Regards,
      Grain.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738308].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        Thanks Grain. Very helpful.

        Did you happen to see my first possible revision as posted here?

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post5738034

        I'd love to hear your thoughts.

        Derek

        Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

        I understand this takes a lot more time to get right, but this is what I've quickly worked up as a first possible revision after reviewing the advice from this thread. Barry, I'd especially love if you would chime in once more as I've tried to take your just-one-idea advice.

        Possible revision:

        ********************
        Are you still struggling with niche marketing? Running short of ideas? Tired of spending all your time on a niche only to not make any money? Then keep reading because...

        "In Five Minutes From Now You Can Be Confident You'll Never Run Out Of Niche Ideas Again!"

        Inside The Niche Profit Powerhouse I Do The Hard Work So You Don't Have To, And Provide You HOT Money-Making Keywords In All The Best Niche Markets Starting At ONLY $5!!
        Signature
        Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
        This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
        Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
        The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738360].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          ***UPDATE***

          I've taken some of the advice from this thread and worked up a revision of my copy. Please check out the latest headline and share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you.

          Sample Salespage | Niche Profit Powerhouse

          Thanks in advance.
          Derek
          Signature
          Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
          This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
          Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
          The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5738986].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
            Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

            I would say it's a definite improvement from the original version. : )

            ...

            P.S. I would go with a more “personal” approach in the video rather than a “corporate” approach. People buy from people, not companies. (Generally speaking.)
            Signature
            "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5739054].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
              Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

              I would say it's a definite improvement from the original version. : )

              ...

              P.S. I would go with a more "personal" approach in the video rather than a "corporate" approach. People buy from people, not companies. (Generally speaking.)
              It is reassuring that I'm heading in the right direction. I will continue to take suggestions and make revisions, and will then move to more extensive testing.

              The video is just a placeholder. It's not mine, and I don't intend to keep it there.

              However that does bring up another question I had in regards to design. Of course this is matter of opinion I suppose, but what do you all think of the layout so far, including the video placement itself? Does it flow nicely and seem to look nice enough? I'm just curious of your thoughts.

              Thanks,
              Derek
              Signature
              Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
              This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
              Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
              The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5739100].message }}
              • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
                Personally I like the design. I think it's good.

                Except for the last pic/"Dear Niche Marketer" caption as it's kind of out of line with the other pics.
                Signature
                "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5739125].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author morizrock
    Banned
    [DELETED]
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5739214].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CabTenson
    People like facts. Give them facts. Right now, the entire page is about hype. Here's an example of a very personal, short, and factual page: highrisehq.com

    However, the main problem is you're too early in the writing stage to be asking for critiques. If Barry kindly gave you six separate critiques on that tiny page alone, it's probably best to go back, be patient, and make sure you really have your ducks in a row before you post it here.

    ...says the guy who just signed up for The Warrior Forum.

    I know what it's like to be so excited you want to get feedback immediately, but so far (for me) it's had disastrous results.

    -Caleb
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5740434].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by CabTenson View Post

      However, the main problem is you're too early in the writing stage to be asking for critiques. If Barry kindly gave you six separate critiques on that tiny page alone, it's probably best to go back, be patient, and make sure you really have your ducks in a row before you post it here.
      Thanks, but the main copy is already written. This is just a sample page with only the headline as I wanted all the focus to be there.

      Derek
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5743363].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author CabTenson
        Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

        Thanks, but the main copy is already written. This is just a sample page with only the headline as I wanted all the focus to be there.

        Derek
        I was referring to your headline and intro copy.

        Three separate people in this forum have pointed out that what you've written is too vague, has too much hype, and requires more fact. Spend a few days bringing the copy down to earth, then ask for feedback.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5744822].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by CabTenson View Post

          I was referring to your headline and intro copy.

          Three separate people in this forum have pointed out that what you've written is too vague, has too much hype, and requires more fact. Spend a few days bringing the copy down to earth, then ask for feedback.
          Your actually the first and only to comment after the revisions. So with gratitude for your thoughts, I'm still open to hearing any other Warriors thoughts on the headline copy up to this point. Very open to feedback both now and later.

          Derek
          Signature
          Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
          This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
          Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
          The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5744883].message }}
          • Yes, you've got to agonize over the headlines and choose the right one.

            And there's been some great advice.

            But it's not the only vital element.

            You've obviously spend a lot of time putting this program together.

            You'll only get $5.00 when people sign up.

            Not exactly enough to justify all your costs.

            So of course you need the continuity money.

            Don't take this the wrong way - but for that money to flow in.

            You absolutely must be giving extraordinary value time after time after time.


            My point is - put a lot of effort into the headline - but also really concentrate on the content making it sensationally good.

            Hope it all goes well.


            Steve
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5745753].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
              Originally Posted by Steve the Copywriter View Post

              My point is - put a lot of effort into the headline - but also really concentrate on the content making it sensationally good.

              Hope it all goes well.

              Steve
              You're certainly right Steve, and I agree.

              Fortunately I've already had nice success just from my WSO buyers lists. That has given me a solid membership base already for the last couple of months. Now I'm just looking to expand that which is why I'm talking with helpful Warriors such as yourself.

              Many thanks,
              Derek
              Signature
              Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
              This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
              Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
              The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5745842].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author stookie44
    Niche Profit Powerhouse

    Spending hours or days haphazardly looking Ideas that might make you money? Because if you are, you’re trying to reinvent the wheel and you wasting your most valuable asset, TIME. Once it’s gone it’s gone and you don’t get it back.


    Niche Marketers; We Take the Pain Out of Finding The New Ideas and Niches That Have The Potential Of Making You Real Money.



    You Will Never Again, Ever, Run Out Of Profitable Niche Ideas.
    Try us out for only $5.00, if you think you’ve been scammed we will give
    You double your money back. This is my 100 % guarantee


    Hi Derek here's something for you to chew on


    Best , John
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5742147].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Grain
    [DELETED]
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5746512].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Grain View Post

      Why not write out the full copy if you really want
      a good critique?
      Because rather than receiving advice related to a million different things, I just wanted advice on one ... the headline. I don't want a full critique. I want a Headline critique.

      Originally Posted by Grain View Post

      There's a lot to be worked on if you're using that
      video in your sales letter too.
      As I've said a couple times...it's just a placeholder. It's not mine, and I don't intend to keep that particular one there. It's filler.

      Originally Posted by Grain View Post

      Seriously, if the only thing you have are those two
      testimonials, get more. At least 3 good, genuine ones.
      No, it's not "the only thing I have".

      Thanks anyway.
      Derek
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5746577].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Grain
        [DELETED]
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5746916].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by Grain View Post

          I hate myself for giving in to critique requests
          when ultimately I know my time will get wasted..

          ...

          Do you know why I'm asking you to write the
          whole copy before you can get a good headline?

          Good copywriters write out every single benefit
          they can think of before striking on that one "gold"
          USP. Even the most brilliant copywriters do just
          that.

          Well, never mind - just ignore that.

          Good day.
          Grain, friend, as I have already stated, I have written the entire copy, but I'm not here for that. If you insist on critiquing my guarantee or my bullet points or my PS, then perhaps you have unfortunately wasted your time. In time I may post more of my copy, but for now, and for the purpose of this thread, it's one thing...my headline. Perhaps as you say (though others would disagree) the headline "isn't as important", but that's really not the point at all is it? The point is, I just wanted a critique of my headline...not my copy. Just my simple request that you can accept or ignore. There is no need to get your feathers ruffled though and assume I'm ignoring your advice. I'm not. I appreciate it very much, however misplaced it may be. I'm just afraid it's you who have ignored and missed some of the comments I've already made a couple different times throughout this thread such as the video being just a placeholder, such as the copy being already written, and such as this being just a simple and humble request for one thing only...a critique of my headline.

          Best,
          Derek
          Signature
          Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
          This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
          Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
          The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5746951].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Hey Derek, it looks like a decent start. My main issue is I had to read too much of it just to find out what the offer was. That's going to slow the reader down. Try moving that headline just above the opt in box up to the top. I also suggest you have a few people who don't know about IM read it and just to see if they can figure out what the offer is without your input. If they can't at least get an idea, the message isn't clear enough.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5747097].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Yes, it looks like handwriting
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5748902].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Derek,

      I don't see you or anybody here mention that the best headlines come from your buyers.

      None of us have bought your membership, so what do we know
      about the reason why anybody will buy?

      Ask your buyers on the phone, in person or Skype chat.

      Ask them why they bought.

      Then keep going deeper with this question...

      "why is that important to you?"

      You'll get rational reasons to start with.

      Keep going until you get the unexpected emotional reasons.

      Now you have the real reason backed up with the rational reason they can use to justify the purchase.

      The answer to your headline question doesn't lie in our heads, it's in your buyer's heads.

      Best,
      Ewen
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5753284].message }}

Trending Topics