Review Request: Critique My Headline Please

12 years ago

Not that I'm against John Carlton like paragraph-long headlines -- but they need to contain only one thought, simply stated, to be effective -- i.e., grasped with one reading

Your headline, I had to read it a couple of times to get the gist of it -- a casual reader will not be so forgiving.

To begin... what do you mean by exclusive? No one else is allowed? Hardly. What you're apparently trying to do is present an exclusive offer to a select number of people. Exclusive access doesn't say anything -- because anyone who signs up will have access.

Verdict on that strategy -- Fail.

DONE FOR YOU -- well, who else are you going to do it for? It's obvious your addressing the reader, so what's your point? You're stating the obvious in capital letters.

Verdict on that strategy -- Fail

Easy-Ranking Untapped Goldmine Markets -- three concepts here, none explained. I have no idea what you're promising -- specifically. Too hypey

Verdict on that strategy -- Fail

At a price you will never see again -- that could work if it wasn't playing second fiddle to every other idea in this headline.

Verdict on that strategy -- Abstain.

Regarding your subhead -- you loose all credibility stating, and implying, the reader will get your exclusive attention and hours of work for just $5.

Verdict -- Rewrite with one compelling idea in the headline.

Good luck,

--Barry

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by BarryADensa

To begin... what do you mean by exclusive?

The idea was multi-layered I suppose. Limited to only a set number of people for instance. Perhaps more so though the idea was that of gaining access to a behind-the-scenes insider community so to speak.

Originally Posted by BarryADensa

DONE FOR YOU -- well, who else are you going to do it for? It's obvious your addressing the reader, so what's your point? You're stating the obvious in capital letters.

As opposed to you having to do it yourself. That was one of my big selling points. I do it so you don't have to. Automated.

Originally Posted by BarryADensa

Regarding your subhead -- you loose all credibility stating, and implying, the reader will get your exclusive attention and hours of work for just $5.

It's $5 for a one week trial. $27 a month thereafter. This will be explained further in the copy. Again, what is being sold here is a membership site where everyday I post new content regarding high search/low competition keywords I come across. What that said, do you still think having the $5 price point lessens credibility?

Thanks,
Derek

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Jonathan 2.0

Banned 12 years ago

"Here's Why I'm Giving You Exclusive Access To Niche Research [Etc., etc.] For Just $5/Month ..."

Just a simple suggestion. What I think many people are thinking when they see headlines similar to that is "What's the catch?/Why are you doing it?" And by providing a sincere answer (even if it means that you'll hope they'll purchase your products/service/whatever at the premium price) it will help it become a more persuasive headline.

Note: This is pure speculation on my part, so take it for what it's worth. : ) Maybe you could split test it?

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0

"Here's Why I'm Giving You Exclusive Access To Niche Research [Etc., etc.] For Just $5/Month ..."

Just a simple suggestion. What I think many people are thinking when they see headlines similar to that is "What's the catch?/Why are you doing it?" And by providing a sincere answer (even if it means that you'll hope they'll purchase your products/service/whatever at the premium price) it will help it become a more persuasive headline.

Note: This is pure speculation on my part, so take it for what it's worth. : ) Maybe you could split test it?

Yes, I will definitely be split testing this. My thoughts were to just get the best versions I could before hand.

I also agree that providing a sincere answer is important. However I was unsure of how much of the answer comes in the headline, and how much should be developed in the copy.

Thanks,
Derek

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Jonathan 2.0 Banned 12 years ago

I would “tease/entice” them with the headline, and explain it to them in the copy.
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BarryADensa

12 years ago

The idea was multi-layered I suppose. Limited to only a set number of people for instance. Perhaps more so though the idea was that of gaining access to a behind-the-scenes insider community so to speak.

That's my point -- there are too many layers to this headline. There should be just one. And you just said it better: Limited to a set number. Don't try to be clever. Just say what you gotta say.

As opposed to you having to do it yourself. That was one of my big selling points. I do it so you don't have to. Automated.

Again, you just said it better : I do it for you so you don't have to.

The problem is you're cramming too many ideas into the headline. In the deck copy you can list, bullet point fashion, all these ideas -- so it's easy to read and understand.

Regarding the $5 that's a judgement call, I would prefer that you state you can get started for just $5, or something similar.

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

I understand this takes a lot more time to get right, but this is what I've quickly worked up as a first possible revision after reviewing the advice from this thread. Barry, I'd especially love if you would chime in once more as I've tried to take your just-one-idea advice.

Possible revision:

********************

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ewenmack

12 years ago

Derek,

Why scatter gun your message on your page to many different peoples interest,
when you can target groups of them?

You'll get many more subscribers that way.

Technology allows this to happen now.

Best,
Ewen

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Derek,

Why scatter gun your message on your page to many different peoples interest,
when you can target groups of them?

You'll get many more subscribers that way.

Technology allows this to happen now.

Best,
Ewen

Yes, I see that I may have been too far reaching with that first attempt.

Thanks,
Derek

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Grain

12 years ago

Like Barry said, get to the point. There's
no point in vague statements. Things
like "easy ranking" simply means a
whistle in the ears. If you want to sizzle
the steak, you need to take the eyes of
your prospect to the sizzle.

What would strike your target audience
immediately as a huge benefit?

"Easy ranking" sounds too vague and
too amateur. It may backfire and sound
like you are trying to sweep something
under the rug.

Instead, specify. Time taken? What can
you achieve? How? What's needed? Is
it easy? How easy? Why are you doing
this?

Now I'm not saying you must add so
many details in. Instead, brainstorm and
find the one sweetest benefit you can
blow your prospect away with.

Your headline just has to "provoke" or
awaken the curious cat in your prospect
so that the target prospect knows the
"topic" and scrolls down to read even
more.

At that very moment after the headline,
you immediately pelt him with contrasts
and pull his heartstrings until his sales
pitch BS detector crashes.

Barry has a point. It's not USPs. It's USP.
It has to be a 'big idea' that can be
expressed in one sentence. Just one
crazy enticing idea set in the correct
context, like a diamond setting in a gold
ring.

If you're going to state a benefit, make it
as specific as possible. Specialize, and
talk in "their language".

SERPs. Competition. Panda. SEO. Or
things along that line (unless I'm
mistaken about your target audience)

Unfold the logical parallels with a story.
Something lateral and non-linear.

Explode that desire. Explain every
single action you do. The why's, the
how's, the what's. Don't tell them how
good it is. Show them. Let them see and
judge for themselves.

Why a trial? Why a guarantee? Why the
price point? Why so sneaky? Why so...
serious?

Also, don't spread the net too wide. It's
tragic for conversions. Use special
funnels to funnel groups of different
thoughts to specially catered pages. I
remember there was a wso like that, but
I can't recall the name.

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Grain.

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Thanks Grain. Very helpful.

Did you happen to see my first possible revision as posted here?

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post5738034

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Derek

Originally Posted by Derek Thomas

I understand this takes a lot more time to get right, but this is what I've quickly worked up as a first possible revision after reviewing the advice from this thread. Barry, I'd especially love if you would chime in once more as I've tried to take your just-one-idea advice.

Possible revision:

********************

Thanks
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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

***UPDATE***

I've taken some of the advice from this thread and worked up a revision of my copy. Please check out the latest headline and share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you.

Sample Salespage | Niche Profit Powerhouse

Thanks in advance.
Derek

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Jonathan 2.0

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by Derek Thomas

Sample Salespage | Niche Profit Powerhouse

Thanks in advance.
Derek

I would say it's a definite improvement from the original version. : )

...

P.S. I would go with a more “personal” approach in the video rather than a “corporate” approach. People buy from people, not companies. (Generally speaking.)

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0

I would say it's a definite improvement from the original version. : )

...

P.S. I would go with a more "personal" approach in the video rather than a "corporate" approach. People buy from people, not companies. (Generally speaking.)

It is reassuring that I'm heading in the right direction. I will continue to take suggestions and make revisions, and will then move to more extensive testing.

The video is just a placeholder. It's not mine, and I don't intend to keep it there.

However that does bring up another question I had in regards to design. Of course this is matter of opinion I suppose, but what do you all think of the layout so far, including the video placement itself? Does it flow nicely and seem to look nice enough? I'm just curious of your thoughts.

Thanks,
Derek

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Jonathan 2.0 Banned 12 years ago

Personally I like the design. I think it's good.

Except for the last pic/"Dear Niche Marketer" caption as it's kind of out of line with the other pics.
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morizrock

Banned 12 years ago

[DELETED]

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CabTenson

12 years ago

People like facts. Give them facts. Right now, the entire page is about hype. Here's an example of a very personal, short, and factual page: highrisehq.com

However, the main problem is you're too early in the writing stage to be asking for critiques. If Barry kindly gave you six separate critiques on that tiny page alone, it's probably best to go back, be patient, and make sure you really have your ducks in a row before you post it here.

...says the guy who just signed up for The Warrior Forum.

I know what it's like to be so excited you want to get feedback immediately, but so far (for me) it's had disastrous results.

-Caleb

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by CabTenson

However, the main problem is you're too early in the writing stage to be asking for critiques. If Barry kindly gave you six separate critiques on that tiny page alone, it's probably best to go back, be patient, and make sure you really have your ducks in a row before you post it here.

Thanks, but the main copy is already written. This is just a sample page with only the headline as I wanted all the focus to be there.

Derek

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CabTenson

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Derek Thomas

Thanks, but the main copy is already written. This is just a sample page with only the headline as I wanted all the focus to be there.

Derek

I was referring to your headline and intro copy.

Three separate people in this forum have pointed out that what you've written is too vague, has too much hype, and requires more fact. Spend a few days bringing the copy down to earth, then ask for feedback.

Thanks
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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by CabTenson

I was referring to your headline and intro copy.

Three separate people in this forum have pointed out that what you've written is too vague, has too much hype, and requires more fact. Spend a few days bringing the copy down to earth, then ask for feedback.

Your actually the first and only to comment after the revisions. So with gratitude for your thoughts, I'm still open to hearing any other Warriors thoughts on the headline copy up to this point. Very open to feedback both now and later.

Derek

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Steve The Copywriter

12 years ago

Yes, you've got to agonize over the headlines and choose the right one.

And there's been some great advice.

But it's not the only vital element.

You've obviously spend a lot of time putting this program together.

You'll only get $5.00 when people sign up.

Not exactly enough to justify all your costs.

So of course you need the continuity money.

Don't take this the wrong way - but for that money to flow in.

You absolutely must be giving extraordinary value time after time after time.

My point is - put a lot of effort into the headline - but also really concentrate on the content making it sensationally good.

Hope it all goes well.

Steve

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve the Copywriter

My point is - put a lot of effort into the headline - but also really concentrate on the content making it sensationally good.

Hope it all goes well.

Steve

You're certainly right Steve, and I agree.

Fortunately I've already had nice success just from my WSO buyers lists. That has given me a solid membership base already for the last couple of months. Now I'm just looking to expand that which is why I'm talking with helpful Warriors such as yourself.

Many thanks,
Derek

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stookie44

12 years ago

Niche Profit Powerhouse

Spending hours or days haphazardly looking Ideas that might make you money? Because if you are, you’re trying to reinvent the wheel and you wasting your most valuable asset, TIME. Once it’s gone it’s gone and you don’t get it back.

Niche Marketers; We Take the Pain Out of Finding The New Ideas and Niches That Have The Potential Of Making You Real Money.

You Will Never Again, Ever, Run Out Of Profitable Niche Ideas.
Try us out for only $5.00, if you think you’ve been scammed we will give
You double your money back. This is my 100 % guarantee

Hi Derek here's something for you to chew on

Best , John

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Grain

12 years ago

[DELETED]

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Grain

Why not write out the full copy if you really want
a good critique?

Because rather than receiving advice related to a million different things, I just wanted advice on one ... the headline. I don't want a full critique. I want a Headline critique.

Originally Posted by Grain

There's a lot to be worked on if you're using that
video in your sales letter too.

As I've said a couple times...it's just a placeholder. It's not mine, and I don't intend to keep that particular one there. It's filler.

Originally Posted by Grain

Seriously, if the only thing you have are those two
testimonials, get more. At least 3 good, genuine ones.

No, it's not "the only thing I have".

Thanks anyway.
Derek

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Grain

12 years ago

[DELETED]

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Derek_Thomas

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Grain

I hate myself for giving in to critique requests
when ultimately I know my time will get wasted..

...

Do you know why I'm asking you to write the
whole copy before you can get a good headline?

Good copywriters write out every single benefit
they can think of before striking on that one "gold"
USP. Even the most brilliant copywriters do just
that.

Well, never mind - just ignore that.

Good day.

Grain, friend, as I have already stated, I have written the entire copy, but I'm not here for that. If you insist on critiquing my guarantee or my bullet points or my PS, then perhaps you have unfortunately wasted your time. In time I may post more of my copy, but for now, and for the purpose of this thread, it's one thing...my headline. Perhaps as you say (though others would disagree) the headline "isn't as important", but that's really not the point at all is it? The point is, I just wanted a critique of my headline...not my copy. Just my simple request that you can accept or ignore. There is no need to get your feathers ruffled though and assume I'm ignoring your advice. I'm not. I appreciate it very much, however misplaced it may be. I'm just afraid it's you who have ignored and missed some of the comments I've already made a couple different times throughout this thread such as the video being just a placeholder, such as the copy being already written, and such as this being just a simple and humble request for one thing only...a critique of my headline.

Best,
Derek

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sethczerepak

12 years ago

Hey Derek, it looks like a decent start. My main issue is I had to read too much of it just to find out what the offer was. That's going to slow the reader down. Try moving that headline just above the opt in box up to the top. I also suggest you have a few people who don't know about IM read it and just to see if they can figure out what the offer is without your input. If they can't at least get an idea, the message isn't clear enough.

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Derek_Thomas 12 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

Try moving that headline just above the opt in box up to the top.

Are you referring to the blue text?

Thanks,
Derek
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sethczerepak

12 years ago

Yes, it looks like handwriting

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ewenmack 12 years ago

Derek,

I don't see you or anybody here mention that the best headlines come from your buyers.

None of us have bought your membership, so what do we know
about the reason why anybody will buy?

Ask your buyers on the phone, in person or Skype chat.

Ask them why they bought.

Then keep going deeper with this question...

"why is that important to you?"

You'll get rational reasons to start with.

Keep going until you get the unexpected emotional reasons.

Now you have the real reason backed up with the rational reason they can use to justify the purchase.

The answer to your headline question doesn't lie in our heads, it's in your buyer's heads.

Best,
Ewen
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Review Request: Critique My Headline Please

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