Looking for Critique on my new copy Thanks in advance!

Hi Robin,

I've had a quick look through, here's a few thoughts for you:

Nothing above the fold catches my eye, there's too much stuff and none of it stands out. (And your scrolling banner spells gourmet wrong).

Your headline will only work if your prospects think there are secrets (that they want to know) being held back from them, plus, does anyone actually want to create pet care products for fun?

You'll have to take this for what it's worth as I'm not a pet person and know nothing about the market, but my first thought was using a "Love your pet? But hate the cost?" type angle.

Your ecover's nicely done but it's taking up valuable screen space being that high up, plus it's telegraphing you're selling something.

I wouldn't have the entire pitch in bold.

I had to Google what OOAK meant.

Break the copy up with subheads for visual relief and to give scanners your sales message.

In your body copy only four paragraphs are about the prospect, the rest's all about you. You want to reverse this.

Is this just for dogs or for all pets? You need to make it clear who you're talking to.

Get a photo of yourself on the page.

You don't want people to leave your sales page just to see testimonials. Only use another page for overflow.

Be more specific, go into more detail and work into the body copy what your book's about.

It needs a proofread, there's a few errors in there and the whole thing's rather robotic, it needs to flow more. Try reading it out loud and you'll soon see where it needs smoothing out (at the very least, edit all those sentences starting with I).

Build up the value of your offer, it doesn't sound expensive compared to possible savings so I'd hammer that home ("For less than the price of two [pet care stuff] you're getting..."). Make sure the reader knows they're getting a bargain.

Don't be afraid to give away valuable information on your sales page itself "Did you know if you combine 4oz of ____ with just 2 tablespoons of ____ you get a _____ that's just as good as anything you can buy in a store!". It's proof you know what you're talking about and it's a great method to get the prospect to read your pitch.

Lastly, I'd consider splitting this into two offers, or even selling the same offer but with two pieces of copy. One targeting the "buy for own use" prospect, the other targeting the "buy to sell" prospect.

Hope this is of some help.

I only took a quick glance at the first page, and unfortunately, it needs a lot of work.

It is a cute page and the graphics are good, but there are some technical issues. Your earnestness and personality comes through, so that is a plus.

On the minus side - for one thing, the big header graphic is nice but a bit on the large side, taking up some valuable attention-grabbing real estate.

Also, the sales page focus is scattered.

You could position this as a solution for someone wanting to start a pet products business, for example or as a solution for someone that cannot find reasonably priced or holistic products for their pets. These would be (and could be) very different marketing approaches.

As a pet owner, the product sounds interesting, but from a sales perspective, there should be a lot more about the benefits, i.e., what it does for the buyer, and right away too, not after a long history about you and the product's development.

Testimonials would help considerably, and should be on the same page (not a separate page unless supplemental). An example or two of the "secrets" would be helpful in establishing your knowledge, perhaps as side boxes. (As in a "Did you know that apple cider vinegar added to dog food can really help with skin problems?" sort of thng.)

I still do not know what "OOAK "means, and would need to go look it up. There are a number of typos and punctuation errors too (including "Groumet" in the scroller at top).

A good sales page template would ensure the right elements are present, and in an effective, concise structured order. The section about you and the product development is just excessively long and self-centered; just tell the prospect what the product will do for them, and why they should buy it. The development story is peripherally interesting, but it is not compelling anyone to buy from or stay on a sales page. It could be on a separate page perhaps (and with a lot less "I"'s).

When the basic focus, structural, grammatical (weather vs. whether, for one), and typographical (capitalization, all bold, etc.) issues are resolved, then the fine-tuning could be looked at.

Thank you both for the critiques. I am working to correct the points you mentioned. I apparently botched something in my style sheet that is causing more then I would like to be in bold. I hate .css it always frustrates me. Thanks again. I have a lot of testimonials I just haven't had a chance to get them back up yet. Thanks again.

Why have a scroller?

Surely your headline should contain the key sales pitch.

To have a headline and a scroller, and a pre headline (above the header), and a sub headline (I assume that's what it is) is just confusing your key message.

I'm not into this kind of thing, so am not the ideal person to talk about it, but although your site is nice and clean and modern, it just comes across as dull, and I just want to click the back button before the scrollers even half way through.

Sorry HH, not trying to put a downer on it.

From more of a customer point of view (I've never copywrited) I'd say it has too much text, or too long blocks of text. Allthough this might be necessary in your niche it instantly turned me off.

Just dropping my opinion here so you can think about it

Hello. I am a fellow dog lover (I have two Aussies), so I enjoyed reading about your product. I edited your main block of text to correct some grammatical and punctuation issues. I will email you the text file to your herbalhound email directly and you can use it as you wish.

Tammy

Too much text - get the message across fast . People stay on a web page for 3 seconds on average -if they dont find what they are looking for fast - say goodbye!

Thats just my opinion - best of luck with it

1. Have someone with a fresh set of eyes proofread it for you. There are small but noticeable errors (like using "then" as opposed to "than" and "weather instead of "whether") in the body copy.

2. The main headline about secrets of the pet care industry didn't trigger me at all, and I have a special needs cat that is entirely too spoiled for his own good. If you changed it to something about secrets to creating your own high end all natural (that phrase doesn't need quotation marks, by the way) pet care products, I'd be more likely to read on.

3. Nearly 3/4 of this is about you. It really should minimally focus on you and focus more on what your potential customers gain from you sharing your knowledge.

4. I'm not saying this to be mean, but I don't know you from a stranger on the bus. Why are you the expert in this? What results have you gotten? What proof do I have that if I follow your steps, I'll be making money doing this? If you move the part about how you're sharing info that allowed you to retire from grooming due to wild and unexpected success manufacturing these things in your home up to the top, I'm much more likely to bite.

5. Addressing these things and the formatting issues (i.e. weird spacing, tons of bolding) should have you well on your way to a pretty decent draft.

Herbalhound,

I've got a MAJOR problem with a theme you introduce in the beginning.

And I think you're making a not just a mistake, you're turning the very people off you want to attract.

Here's what you wrote at the top:

"You will NEVER waste money on expensive store bought pet shampoos or remedies again!"

First off, if you have a pet that you care enough to buy your product for, if you have a pet you pay for this kinda for product for, you're not a cheap F'er. In fact, people like this pride themself on being "this kinda person".

Seriously, what type of person buys your product? Do they really care about price?

Does a person like this who wants "high end" want to save pennies?

F- No. They don't.

They care about their damn dog looking good. Heck, I'm wrong....

They want their dog to look BETTER than their friends dog.

Personally, I think these kinda people are insane.

BUT! Insane people tend to spent a lot of money of "stupid" things. For example, I spent over $20,000.00 a year going to concerts. For some people, they think I'm insane. And they're probably right.

So where I am going...

What do your targets really care about? And trust me, saving money ain't on top of the list.

You don't need copywriting help. You need target profiling help.

Come back with a CLEAR target avatar, and THEN create an OFFER that'll give them a hard-on.

And then ask for copywriting help.

Sorry if this hurts your feelings. I just want you to make money.

edit: I just read your testimonials. they all take about allegies and how your stuff really helps that kinda stuff. Your headline and body don't match. Figure out what you're selling. High End Shampoo or allergy relief. Pick on. And nail it down. And please, don't go with the cheap angle. This lifestyle issue and happiness of the dog. The dog is part of the family.