What Do You Think Of This As A Headline?

Incidently... if this is something which has been used elsewhere, and I've subconsciously remembered it and then convinced myself that I've invented it, then please let me know.

I DON'T want to steal other people's work!

'IF' is a stop word, right?

Holy sh*t that's a huge blob of red text

Indeed, try using less words..

At least split it up a bit - into a preheadline, main headline and subheadline. Right now its unreadable.

I like it too as it makes me want to read more, but I agree with the others when they say it would be better if it was shorter

That's almost identical to a headline Dan Kennedy uses in his newsletter, it's probably worth a shot. It's a bit wordy though. See if you can say it in 10 words or less.

Okay guys... thanks for the feedback

(I was waiting to be shot to pieces...!)

Milburn,

I'd lose "that" in the third line; does nothing to move things forward in (as has been pointed out) an already-long head. I'd apply the same snip to "then" in the last line.

If you're running this strictly in the UK you're fine with the word "whilst" in the sixth line. But some of my dumb-arse Americans aren't going to get that word ... even in context.

Let us know how testing goes.

Doc

Too many words - long headlines loose a bit of the HEADLINE factor..

Why are you highlighting the gun to the head, and the unrelated what other people did? If using multiple highlights you want them to connect, be related, the reader should only need to read the highlighted areas...

Not comfortable with a couple of phrases / words that fail to reinforce anything:
drive enough traffic
if, enough, would, then, used

The premise also has negative impact - since we won't be putting a gun to your head, then will we or won't we get the secret?...

Also, there is no scarcity...

You could use this

My system generates $500,000... other people do all the work.

Add CTA and scarcity.

Do you REALLY want your market's attention?

In your headline, tell them they put the gun to your head and demanded your secret system that drives on-demand traffic and built your $500,000 business.

Tell them all the reasons you knew they wanted your system. (This is where you can sneak in all the benefits and unique competitive advantages here.)

Then tell them although it was just a dream you had, you realized it could be a real win-win if you productized your system for those who wanted to duplicate your results.

If you tell them they put the gun to your head in your headline and follow suit with the story like I suggest, I don't think there's anyone's attention you wouldn't command.

Don't you agree?

'Gun to my head' gives people an illusion of a binary
situation. (Either yes, or no.)

Live... or die.

You either give out your secrets, or bring it to the
grave as a dead man.

Naturally, it would seem to increase believability,
due to 'fear' driving the situation into the shoes of
your reader. But...

Here's are 3 things you're trying to achieve here:

1) You're trying to tell people that you're giving them
the best of your knowledge.

2) You're trying to give a proof factor as a credible
figure by telling them you have a $500K business.

3) You're trying to bring across the USP of doing
nothing and outsourcing your work to others.

I'm pretty sure you can find other methods to press
their hot buttons instead of these.

The benefits are really over the moon for your target
audience - understate and deflate your claims by
breaking it down to smaller, seemingly achievable
figures.

How about telling them about the strongest functional
and emotional benefits of these?

Well, I'd often say not to fall in love with headlines,
but if you are really insistent on this one, cut it
short and sweet, and then split test it with a safer and
tested headline.

Sorry, it sounds like hype. To most intelligent people, hype = crap, and it scares off good prospects.

If you want IMPACT, then be BLUNT--but in bite-sized chunks.

Agree...too much red equals a sea of red, so it ceases to have impact.

One of my first lessons in journalism was (of course): KISS, Keep It Simple, Stupid. And the teacher's example was, instead of a long, drawn-out telegram announcing the passing away of the mutual maternal parent-----he simplified it by quoting:

"Mother's dead."

I see it, I read it, I understand all the terms used, it paints an immediate picture, and I am hit up the face with the blunt fact that the writer is trying to impact me with.

THEN, I am ready for a call to action....

Hope this helps

Jerry K
www.JerryKuzma.com

It's definitely wordy. The best headlines have a lot to say but say it in fewer words. I like the general idea though.

How about this?

Internet Traffic Expert Reveals...

"If You Held A Gun To My Head And FORCED Me To Expose How I Built My $500,000 Online Empire... This Is What I Would Tell You."

The Best Part Is How I 'Cleaned Up Big-Tme' While I Outsourced All Of The Dirty Work.

Boiled down, it could read:

"Here's How I Got OTHER PEOPLE
to Build a $500k Business For Me..."

Sub-head could bring in the other issues, such as traffic etc....

jk

Your signature video is HILARIOUS.

I like the yellow amorphous highlights, but you can lose some unnecessary words. For example, in 'That I used to drive enough traffic to build a..', you can opt to go for 'That I used to build'. That would still deliver your message.

I think the first headline's too long and presents too many competing ideas and images. Simplify!

I also simplify it a little, but it's a very good idea. Good luck!

I think its a terrible headline

Mmm, I agree with the others. It's a bit too bright and busy. And the wording is a little harsh sounding. You need something that is "less is more" but still has the BIG message, which means people have to check it out further. Good luck!

Best wishes, Hayley McKeever
http://www.six-figure-business.com

The first thing I would say is that it is definitely attention-getting with using the “gun to my head” approach. However, my next reaction is that I think the font is too big and the red is too much. I also agree with many others that there are too many words for a headline. I am not sure of using the word “whilst” as it is not a commonly used word (at least not where I’m from).

You title I think could also raise a question why one would when so much scams are going around. I think it will be better if you will question in your title like:

Can You Held a Gun To Me And Force Me To Expose The Exact System That I used To Drive Enough Traffic To build a $500,000 Business Online?

Well, then this is what I would tell you!

As a headline this is not one that I have encountered, but this is very much in the style of Gary Halbert's Gun To Your Head Marketing - which I have often heard him speak about.

I think that for a newbee IM market this may work - although I am tending to move towards more genuine/honest headlines at the moment.

The "gun to my head" approach captures the attention of newbies prospects,
but will not work with those veterans, who have read this hundreds of times.

The headline itself is ok for nubies, but what you are doing real well is the highlighting on the actual image. I like that a lot.