Any experts here wanna critique a rookie's headline?

by palmettomike

Posted: 12 years ago 23 replies

COPY WRITING

Hey guys, long time lurker, first time poster. Seems like a very intelligent crowd we have here. I'm a "literature" type of writer charged with the self-imposed, daunting task of crafting some persuasive copy for my new advertising product to local business owners.

If it matters, the letter will appear on a special landing page I've created:

Revealed: How An Accidental Discovery Rocked the World of a Burned Out, Economy-Stricken Business Owner (on the Verge of Throwing in the Towel) and Spiked His Sales By 27% After The First Month... and Eventually Transformed His Stagnant Business Into The Envy Of His 'Fat Cat' Competitors.

Regardless of the industry you serve, if you consider new and repeat customers to be vitally crucial, then this will be the most important letter you will ever read. If, however, you are already the "big boy" on the block, with stacks of advertising cash to spend and hordes of customers stampeding over themselves to get to your product or service, then stop reading NOW because I'm just wasting your time.

#critique #experts #headline #rookie #wanna

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- palmettomike 12 years ago
  
  Thanks, Niko! Actually, I came to the realization immediately after posting this that "on the verge of throwing in the towel" was wordy and unwarranted... scrapped!
  
  Thanks so much for the other pointers...noted, and I agree.
  
  As to the "envious"... that's what the body copy is for, right? You wouldn't feel strung along if I explained this in the body, right?
  
  Thanks again for your valuable feedback!
  
  Thanks
  
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Hans Klein

12 years ago

You're trying to do too much with your headline. You've got a lot of unnecessary words and aren't getting at your core benefit.

Imagine you're standing in front of your prospect... Joe or Jane business owner.

What are you going to tel him/her to stop what he/she's doing to take a break and give you 5 minutes?

"27% spike" is OK... but nothing earth shattering or particularly dramatic.

27% in the first month... 52% growth by the second... and 75% by the third is better

Or... even better than a percentage, create a picture of what this means in terms the local business owner thinks in. Chiefly... people in the door, cash in the register.

Keep at it. You'll get there.

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ewenmack

12 years ago

Here's an all to common point missed by ad writers,
and that is...

you'll never sell to most, so don't try!

This means you stop the convincing and talk to those
who already know they have a problem.

It automatically targets the right people and your message is on target.

So what are these business owners you are targeting
stressing about that nobody has solved?

Do they know their ads are constantly disappointing in their results?

Get into their heads, and solve their top of mind burning issues.

Don't sell things.

If the business owners are, for example, mortgage brokers,
an ad headline like this gets their attention...

--------------------------------------------------------
For The Mortgage Broker Who Can't Figure Out Why His
Telemarketing And Lead Generation Isn't Working As Hoped
---------------------------------------------------------

You now know where to find these people.

You can get a list of them to mail, could place the ad
in their industry websites, newsletters, magazines.

That gives you an idea of an overall marketing plan,
not just about pimping a headline.

Best,
Ewen

Thanks
1 reply

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palmettomike

12 years ago

Hmm...my headline does strike me as "salesy", Ewenmack. However, I'm mimicking some of the gurus whose material I've been reading. My heart does say "salesy", while my head tells me that this style has proven to be effective...dilemmas, dilemmas.

Thanks
1 reply

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- Report Card 12 years ago
  
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  palmettomike 12 years ago
  
  Absolutely, Nicko. I knew what you meant . And thank you for the encouragement! If this letter converts to the level I'm hoping for, I'll rename my dog "Kern". :p
  
  Thanks
  
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ewenmack

12 years ago

Originally Posted by palmettomike

So can you tell us WHO you are targeting?

We can't give you a headline that the reader says,
"Mmm I gotta find more about this"...

unless you can tell us more about your target audience.

If you don't know about them, then why the hell would the reader care about what you have?

Just playing with a blindfold on with archery.

Best,
Ewen

P.S.
If you believe otherwise, then the tooth fairy has left money under your bed.

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palmettomike 12 years ago

Ewen, fair question.

My target audience is rather wide (but localized to my city). Basically, I'm targeting business owners and offering them a new advertising solution.

Business type doesn't really matter; it's for any business owner.

The "stressed out, economy-stricken" theme is a generalization I feel that any business owner can identify with (and yes, I will weave this into the brief storyline that I'm constructing). This theme also frames the dramatic boost in sales that I reference in the headline; that, too, will be explained. I'm going to reveal everything in the body as the headline states.
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- ewenmack 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by palmettomike
  
  Business type doesn't really matter; it's for any business owner.
  
  Yes it does matter, to them.
  
  Because show at least a bit of empathy,
  not shove "the economy sucks" and their "competition is eating their lunch".
  
  They already know that and nobody likes negative stuff that's
  already going on in their life hurled at them again.
  
  Ever had a woman shove the past in your face...?
  not nice. So don't go there.
  
  They get bombarded by ad reps from offline and online media hounding them.
  
  First reaction, "another ad guy, get outta my life"
  
  If you sound, look like the rest, then you are like them.
  
  It's the biz owners perception, not necessarily fact.
  
  That's the information going on in their lives I was trying to draw out of you.
  
  "Business owners in my area" isn't enough.
  
  Have to know lot's about them to get them to sit up and listen.
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
  .
  
  Thanks
  
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- Andrew Gould 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Nicko Chalke
  
  Has ANY copywriter worth his salt EVER uttered these words??
  
  Yep, Hans Klein just did.
  
  And I'd say it's fairly fundamental advice.
  
  Originally Posted by Nicko Chalke
  
  Does this make sense to anyone??
  
  Yep, Ewen's telling the OP that instead of focusing on the promise, he should focus on the prospect's problem.
  
  If you can describe their problem to them, ideally even better than they could themselves, you'll create a bond and they'll automatically assume you've got a solution. Making the sale much, much easier.
  
  And, of course, you'll stand out in a marketplace where everyone's just making bigger and bigger claims.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Andrew Gould
  
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  Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Nicko Chalke
  
  Waddaya got, Mr Slickpants????
  
  Originally Posted by Nicko Chalke
  
  Let's See, Beeeeyoch
  
  There is absolutely no need for the name calling and general rudeness aimed at the more experienced copywriters on this forum when all they are trying to do is to help the OP.
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
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travlinguy 12 years ago

When is the sequel due out?
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- PowToon 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by travlinguy
  
  When is the sequel due out?
  
  My sentiments exactly
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Amazing new software coming soon!! Wanna make a killer sales video?? Sign up for the Beta right now.
  www.powtoon.com
  
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  PowToon 12 years ago
  
  @sethczerepak
  
  LOL - excellent process.
  
  It should be noted that your final headline has very little to do with the original.
  
  Having said that - I'm buying whatever it is that you're selling.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Amazing new software coming soon!! Wanna make a killer sales video?? Sign up for the Beta right now.
  www.powtoon.com
  
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palmettomike 12 years ago

Hard to argue those points, Ewen.
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Bruce Wedding 12 years ago

48 word headline. Impressive.

It's not a headline, it's a freakin' paragraph. You need to heed the words of Curly when you write a headline...

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
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eldudebros 12 years ago

Too much words. Try to shorten the headline, into something simpler.
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- Steve The Copywriter 12 years ago
  
  It's a Cartltonesque style headline - and no offense - but like 99% of them - not as good as John would write.
  
  Pay him $5,000 and no doubt he'll improve it.
  
  Remember Carltons main sectors were avid golfers and the "kill you with my bare hands" self defense and fight enthusiasts.
  
  His headlines can be a bit over the top for more restrained conservative markets.
  
  They work work best when you have raging hungry crowds - who know who you are.
  
  If they don't know you - concentrate on them - not on you.
  
  Here's a more "universal" Carlton headline template that'll work far better for you.
  
  We help (this group of people)… do (this benefit)… (better, cheaper, faster… easier)… … even if (worst case believable scenario)
  
  Hope this helps,
  
  Steve
  
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aaallday2010 12 years ago

I thought that was the ad copy itself. LOL!
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- palmettomike 12 years ago
  
  Thanks for the valuable feedback, guys. Very much appreciated and I am back to the drawing board.
  
  One question, though...
  
  There seems to be a consensus that "long" equals "bad". I get that, but so many of the masters I've studied tend to craft very lengthy headlines. Now, I know that my quality isn't to their level, but if we isolate the topic of length...why is long inherently bad (assuming the quality of the copy is strong)? Again, not saying mine is high quality...just saying.
  
  Prime example below. This sales letter was referenced in an audio series by Eben Pagen (sp). His "go to" copy guy authored this, and the ad pulled exceedingly well.
  
  catchhimandkeephim dot com backslash nala (sorry, don't have enough posts to be able to link)
  
  Just here to learn...thanks for the input!
  
  Thanks
  
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sethczerepak

12 years ago

Originally Posted by palmettomike

Revealed: How An Accidental Discovery Rocked the World of a Burned Out, Economy-Stricken Business Owner (on the Verge of Throwing in the Towel) and Spiked His Sales By 27% After The First Month... and Eventually Transformed His Stagnant Business Into The Envy Of His 'Fat Cat' Competitors.

Good start, now watch this...

(and ignore my academic inaccuracies please, this is sales)

Revealed: How An Accidental Discovery Rocked the World of a Burned Out, Economy-Stricken Business Owner (on the Verge of Throwing in the Towel) and Spiked His Sales By 27% After The First Month... and Eventually Transformed His Stagnant Business Into The Envy Of His 'Fat Cat' Competitors.

***Ponders...hmmm....too wordy. scribble, scribble, scribble***

(Subject --> verb ---> verb target | 'entrepreneur' is more exciting than business owner)

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales 27%....

***scribble, scribble, scribble***

(need present verbs for describing the response from "fat cats")

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% ....While His Fat Cat Competitors Stand in Envy....

***Ponders...hmm, stagnant business only raised sales by 27%? I don't buy how that's valuable, but we'll deal with that later. In Just one month? Sounds good. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH....While His Fat Cat Competitors Stand in Envy...

***By Accident? Don't like it, we need a verb, not an adjective. Verbs are action words, action words inspire action in readers. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on ....While His Fat Cat Competitors Stand in Envy...

***Hmm, needs a dash of curiosity...scribble, scribble, scribble***

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This ....While His Fat Cat Competitors Stand in Envy...

***Hmm, we need to lean down, fat cat's gotta go. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This...

***Hmm, we need to appeal to the reader's need for instant gratification. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Burnt out Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***Hmm, can't use curiosity without challenging their world view, it'll wear off too fast. Meh, I don't like "burnt out" anyway. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by 27% in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***Not liking 27%, not tangible enough. scribble, scribble, scribble***

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur Spikes Sales by $1.2 Million in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***Hmm, people don't want sales, they want $ and bottom line results that put money in their pocket. scribble, scribble***

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur Spikes Net Profits by $1.2 Million in JUST ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***Needs a dash of presence. Using "JUST" is too obvious, the reader can figure that out. scribble, scribble***

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur Spikes Net Profits by $1.2 Million ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***"Spikes" sounds a bit too negative. Catapults? Explodes? Jolts? Nah...scribble, scribble***

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur Explodes Net Profits by $1.2 Million ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique....

***Now make it pretty. paint, paint, paint****

Ex Gang Member Entrepreneur EXPLODES Net Profits by $1.2 Million ONE MONTH After Stumbling on This 5 Minute a Day Technique...

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palmettomike 12 years ago

LOL, Seth! Entertainment and education all rolled into one...bravo!
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alfid 12 years ago

Hi palmettomike, this headline seems to be too large to me. Shorter > More Impact.
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knish 12 years ago

You need to go straight to the point. Read some good copywriting books to get basic understanding of a sales page and all the elements it contains (at least the basic elements).
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Any experts here wanna critique a rookie's headline?

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