DON'T KILL ME! But I have to ask you this...

I'm not going to comment on the copy itself.

I mean...

It's well-written.

But it doesn't have any POP!

In my opinion, the reason why it comes across as being flat is... there's no substance or credibility woven throughout your words.

So your copy FEELS empty.

What can you GIVE your audience that infuses some grounded, practical 411 into your copy?

Show them you know what you're talking about.

Demonstrate that you're the authority in the business of elevating the bottom of local small businesses.

How can drive home the benefits of working specifically with you? (Without even mentioning the competition...)

Mark Pescetti

I think I know what you mean.

Perhaps I should record a video explaining how, by using the three methods for growing a business, I am able to exponentially increase their sales more effectively?

Discussing the mistake that many businesses make by just focusing on one method and how by targeting all three properly we are able to maximize their success?

Basically I need to explain/justify WHY we are able to increase their sales by 30-90% or more...not just state it.

Targeting the four areas of learning behaviour: Why they need it, What it does, How it Works, and How it can be applied to their situation?

~Dexx

Maybe a little DRY. I personally like to read stories or real-life examples right in the sales letter itself. Something like....

Are you frustrated with how other businesses in your industry seem to be growing (and obtaining a larger market share) while you struggle to find a way to duplicate their incredible success?

I know that was the feeling at Edmonton Super Corporation when I first met with them. They had this problem blah blah blah.....until I recommended they blah blah blah....now they are at the top of blah blah blah.

Ah, I see. I was thinking of just having a section in the middle with "look at some of the results that have been generated," but you are suggesting to even lead off with such success?

I like it!

Especially since it would renew the interest hook if I told them I would explain how they could achieve similar results as well if they continued reading.

I also suppose it would be more effective to sprinkle the success stories in at the start, middle and the end of the letter as opposed to just in a middle section?

~Dexx

Check out how Craig Garber works it in the copy here:
The Seductive Selling System: push your prospect's buy-buttons and laugh all the way to the bank!

For example, go to where he says:
It would literally be IMPOSSIBLE to ignore this sales message if you needed these services, wouldn't it? And in fact, a similar ad I wrote like this, tripled one man's business (Tom Foster) in upstate New York, in one of the poorest counties in the state. Another ad I wrote in the same industry, is pulling a 12-to-1 return, clear across the country in Palouse, Washington.

Hi Dexx,

For this market I have found the BIGGEST skeptics!

You want the PROOF front and center... I would put your strongest business testimonial at the top under the headline.

i.e. For ____ company we helped them do ____ sales with ____ and this was because ____ and we did ____ which did this ____ and so their conversions (sales) leads (fill in what you like ) doubled/tripled by _____ % or Numbers.

You need SPECIFICS to sell this market.

You need your PROOF. And PROOF of your training is top notch. You need something to say you DO know what you are talking about. I would want to see screen shots of what your PROOF is. i.e. dollars and cents wise that you made for companies before and after you were hired.

Your sincere comments and tone are nice but do not make me want to call you. You have not sold me.

Your market is a tough sell. They want the figures, names of companies, they need absolute proof to sell them. This needs to be revamped with those thoughts in mind.

Figure it this way -- pretend your cost of doing business with a person such as you was $10,000 a consult. What type of PROOF would you need (you're in the visitor's shoes now) to pay that kind of money?

Now that puts it in perspective.

You tell me what is wrong (I am spending too much money on ineffective strategies -- but I already KNOW that as a business owner...) you don't tell me HOW you will help me, what you wrote is too hypey and too vague. This just sounds like another marketing letter that everyone else has. There is NOTHING unique about it.
Where is your customer service coming in? How are you different than the competiton? Testimonials that SAY you are different are the key.

Your guarantee is missing in the last section of the sales letter, you are not clear enough on how you are verifying the numbers.... That is a big problem.... As a business owner that is what I would be looking for, how are you going to PROVE the stats.

Put some muscle in this.

We will do ___ in ____ in order to do ___ in ____ days/weeks and you will get ____ boost in visitor retention (or whatever).

To be honest for your headline, I would go with something more like this...

Top Converting Marketing Executive Reveals...

How Fly By Night Marketing Companies RIP YOU OFF! The Confidential Inside Information You Need to ______. (Big Promise)

Honest Marketing Executive Reveals...

How Fly By Night Advertising Agents RIP YOU OFF! Discover The Confidential Inside Information You Need to ______. (Big Promise)

Top Marketing Executive Reveals...

How Money Guzzling Marketing Companies Steal Your Advertising Dollars and RIP YOU OFF! The Confidential Inside Information You Need to Get More Paying Customers With a 50% Lower Marketing Budget.

Good luck with your business!

Jennie

Hrmm, yes that seems to be the recurring theme amongst the feedback indeed.

More social proof, more specifics regarding how we accomplish such understandably skeptical results. Definitely working on this asap!

Thanks Jennie

~Dexx

I don't like the gray font after "Before choosing a marketing company you must know..."

Also I think the font is too light all over.

Also "Will they offer your business industry exclusivity? (in other words, if your competitors approach them as well…will they begin helping your competitors to steal new customers away from you…while you pay them to do the exact same thing)"

The way you phrase this (and I might be getting nitpicky here) makes it sound like market exclusivity = helping competitors.

"(this mean they will regularly provide you with detailed reports regarding which of your marketing activities are generating new leads and which need to be stopped immediately)"

mean should be means.

"During this initial analysis we will identify where your business currently is, the level of sales growth you desire, and what you are currently doing to achieve this desired growth."

This seems weird because you say you'll identify the amount of sales growth they desire. Seems weird for you to tell them what they desire.

----

"Enter your email address below and we’ll send you the necessary information so we can get started on your business’s marketing analysis (as well as some marketing strategies you can start using TODAY to increase your sales at no cost!)"

I have a few issues with this.

1st) I dunno if getting their email is the best approach. You might want to use a more detailed form.
2nd) I'd set expectations, and future pace here a bit.
Here's what I mean.
Instead of saying what you say, say this instead:
"When you fill out the questionnaire - you'll be notified by me, or a member of my staff. From there we'll talk about what we can do for your business to get tracked and verifiable change blah blah"
Don't know if those are the words I'd specifically use, but you get the idea.
3) I don't like the "sign up" button. What exactly are they "signing up" for?

Also I'd put a pic of your face above your signature.

Those are my 2 cents, from quickly skimming through it.

Best of luck to you Dexx.

--------------

Also if you need some rock solid testimonials fast, and you want to get them while putting forth hardly any effort - pm me. I've got a pretty cool method.

I'd put your face in both spots.

Yep, even though I'm a noob on this forum but I've done my fair share of writing. I would suggest that you edit this page and reduce the copy by atleast 20-30%. Put in some images and videos. They attract people and improve retention rates. I also noticed a minor typo:
"Let us increase you sales by 30 – 90% in as little as 30 days–GUARANTEED!"

Typos of any kind just squash all credibility instantly. You "no" what I mean?

Another helpful tip would be to include some freebies in the copy itself. Like some parts from your info-product - it could be a few tips, a free chapter, etc.

My two cents..
Cheers and all the best!

I think you should add a explanatory video with stories or real-life examples. It will increase credibility and, because of that, your sales ratio.