DON'T KILL ME! But I have to ask you this...

by Dexx
16 replies
Hey Gang,

I'm trying a different approach for the main salespage of my marketing company. I really think this will make my company stand out as the better option when compared to what other marketing companies in my area have to offer.

However, I could be wrong.

Please take a look at my letter and provide any constructive feedback you can think of for improvements, tweaks, etc.

Here's the page that I would appreciate feedback on:
Edmonton Marketing with Proven Profit-Increasing Strategies

I'm still in the process of setting up the other sections of the site, so there's nothing that really happens after opting in right now.

Currently my online info-product sales pages convert around 6%, I'm wondering if a similar style will work with getting business owners to just submit a request for more information...or is it overkill?

Are there any areas that seem confusing or too wordy? Any parts that I should expand more on?

I will be adding success stories using our strategies very shortly, along with some objection handling, I just want to make sure the flow seems to be on the right path.

The true test: Would YOU submit your information if you were a local business owner looking to increase your sales quickly and easily?

Thank you in advance for your feedback (as harsh as it may be, heh)

Cheers,

~Dexx
#critique
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I'm not going to comment on the copy itself.

    I mean...

    It's well-written.

    But it doesn't have any POP!

    In my opinion, the reason why it comes across as being flat is... there's no substance or credibility woven throughout your words.

    So your copy FEELS empty.

    What can you GIVE your audience that infuses some grounded, practical 411 into your copy?

    Show them you know what you're talking about.

    Demonstrate that you're the authority in the business of elevating the bottom of local small businesses.

    How can drive home the benefits of working specifically with you? (Without even mentioning the competition...)

    Mark Pescetti
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  • Profile picture of the author Dexx
    I think I know what you mean.

    Perhaps I should record a video explaining how, by using the three methods for growing a business, I am able to exponentially increase their sales more effectively?

    Discussing the mistake that many businesses make by just focusing on one method and how by targeting all three properly we are able to maximize their success?

    Basically I need to explain/justify WHY we are able to increase their sales by 30-90% or more...not just state it.

    Targeting the four areas of learning behaviour: Why they need it, What it does, How it Works, and How it can be applied to their situation?

    ~Dexx
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by Dexx View Post

      I think I know what you mean.

      Perhaps I should record a video explaining how, by using the three methods for growing a business, I am able to exponentially increase their sales more effectively?

      Discussing the mistake that many businesses make by just focusing on one method and how by targeting all three properly we are able to maximize their success?

      Basically I need to explain/justify WHY we are able to increase their sales by 30-90% or more...not just state it.

      Targeting the four areas of learning behaviour: Why they need it, What it does, How it Works, and How it can be applied to their situation?

      ~Dexx
      You're not spelling out your proprietary methodology enough for people to get any real sense of your expertise.

      Let me as you:

      What is your most essential Brand Message?

      Is it the "increasing profits by up to 90%?"

      If so, then yes, you need to demonstrate how you can make that audacious claim, because the way you have the copy structured RIGHT NOW...

      ...Your credibility simply isn't there.

      Personally...

      I can FEEL your sincerity in the copy.

      I'm intrigued.

      But I'm far from sold.

      I'm curious...

      What emotions are you targeting?

      And what are you hoping to make people feel (elicit)?

      Mark Pescetti
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      • Profile picture of the author Dexx
        Originally Posted by Reflection Marketing View Post

        You're not spelling out your proprietary methodology enough for people to get any real sense of your expertise.
        Yes, I definitely agree with you, I'll be adding in a video that better explains why they are currently not getting the increase in sales they desire from their marketing efforts, and why our process is so much more effective.

        Originally Posted by Reflection Marketing View Post

        What is your most essential Brand Message?

        Is it the "increasing profits by up to 90%?"

        If so, then yes, you need to demonstrate how you can make that audacious claim, because the way you have the copy structured RIGHT NOW...

        ...Your credibility simply isn't there.
        Yes, our "marketing advantage" would be our ability to dramatically ramp up sales and profits for a business using a variety of marketing strategies and tactics.

        Originally Posted by Reflection Marketing View Post

        Personally...

        I can FEEL your sincerity in the copy.

        I'm intrigued.

        But I'm far from sold.

        I'm curious...

        What emotions are you targeting?

        And what are you hoping to make people feel (elicit)?

        Mark Pescetti
        I'm trying to emotionally connect with the disappointment that a prospect would be feeling regarding their current marketing efforts not generating their desired results, and then show them there is hope in the form of our proven marketing systems.

        Any suggestions on where I'm failing on this regard?

        Is my wording throughout the letter not properly conveying that?

        I think I need to do a better job of relating to their situation at the start of the letter. Perhaps the opening is not correctly setting the tone?

        ~Dexx

        PS - Thank you all for the quality feedback, I am already in the process of making the appropriate changes!
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  • Maybe a little DRY. I personally like to read stories or real-life examples right in the sales letter itself. Something like....

    Are you frustrated with how other businesses in your industry seem to be growing (and obtaining a larger market share) while you struggle to find a way to duplicate their incredible success?

    I know that was the feeling at Edmonton Super Corporation when I first met with them. They had this problem blah blah blah.....until I recommended they blah blah blah....now they are at the top of blah blah blah.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Dexx
    Ah, I see. I was thinking of just having a section in the middle with "look at some of the results that have been generated," but you are suggesting to even lead off with such success?

    I like it!

    Especially since it would renew the interest hook if I told them I would explain how they could achieve similar results as well if they continued reading.

    I also suppose it would be more effective to sprinkle the success stories in at the start, middle and the end of the letter as opposed to just in a middle section?

    ~Dexx
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  • Check out how Craig Garber works it in the copy here:
    The Seductive Selling System: push your prospect's buy-buttons and laugh all the way to the bank!

    For example, go to where he says:
    It would literally be IMPOSSIBLE to ignore this sales message if you needed these services, wouldn't it? And in fact, a similar ad I wrote like this, tripled one man's business (Tom Foster) in upstate New York, in one of the poorest counties in the state. Another ad I wrote in the same industry, is pulling a 12-to-1 return, clear across the country in Palouse, Washington.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Hi Dexx,

    For this market I have found the BIGGEST skeptics!

    You want the PROOF front and center... I would put your strongest business testimonial at the top under the headline.

    i.e. For ____ company we helped them do ____ sales with ____ and this was because ____ and we did ____ which did this ____ and so their conversions (sales) leads (fill in what you like ) doubled/tripled by _____ % or Numbers.

    You need SPECIFICS to sell this market.

    You need your PROOF. And PROOF of your training is top notch. You need something to say you DO know what you are talking about. I would want to see screen shots of what your PROOF is. i.e. dollars and cents wise that you made for companies before and after you were hired.

    Your sincere comments and tone are nice but do not make me want to call you. You have not sold me.

    Your market is a tough sell. They want the figures, names of companies, they need absolute proof to sell them. This needs to be revamped with those thoughts in mind.

    Figure it this way -- pretend your cost of doing business with a person such as you was $10,000 a consult. What type of PROOF would you need (you're in the visitor's shoes now) to pay that kind of money?

    Now that puts it in perspective.

    You tell me what is wrong (I am spending too much money on ineffective strategies -- but I already KNOW that as a business owner...) you don't tell me HOW you will help me, what you wrote is too hypey and too vague. This just sounds like another marketing letter that everyone else has. There is NOTHING unique about it.
    Where is your customer service coming in? How are you different than the competiton? Testimonials that SAY you are different are the key.

    Your guarantee is missing in the last section of the sales letter, you are not clear enough on how you are verifying the numbers.... That is a big problem.... As a business owner that is what I would be looking for, how are you going to PROVE the stats.

    Put some muscle in this.

    We will do ___ in ____ in order to do ___ in ____ days/weeks and you will get ____ boost in visitor retention (or whatever).

    To be honest for your headline, I would go with something more like this...

    Top Converting Marketing Executive Reveals...

    How Fly By Night Marketing Companies RIP YOU OFF! The Confidential Inside Information You Need to ______. (Big Promise)

    Honest Marketing Executive Reveals...

    How Fly By Night Advertising Agents RIP YOU OFF! Discover The Confidential Inside Information You Need to ______. (Big Promise)

    Top Marketing Executive Reveals...

    How Money Guzzling Marketing Companies Steal Your Advertising Dollars and RIP YOU OFF! The Confidential Inside Information You Need to Get More Paying Customers With a 50% Lower Marketing Budget.

    Good luck with your business!

    Jennie
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    ******* WSO & JV ZOO COPYWRITER -- VLS & SALES LETTERS PROVEN TO CONVERT ******* Get Higher Profits From Launches That SELL! Proven Copywriter with 17 Years of Copywriting Experience. Contact Me Via Skype: seoexpertconsulting Copywriting Website: http://www.VideoScriptCopywriter.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Dexx
    Hrmm, yes that seems to be the recurring theme amongst the feedback indeed.

    More social proof, more specifics regarding how we accomplish such understandably skeptical results. Definitely working on this asap!

    Thanks Jennie

    ~Dexx
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    I don't like the gray font after "Before choosing a marketing company you must know..."

    Also I think the font is too light all over.

    Also "Will they offer your business industry exclusivity? (in other words, if your competitors approach them as well…will they begin helping your competitors to steal new customers away from you…while you pay them to do the exact same thing)"

    The way you phrase this (and I might be getting nitpicky here) makes it sound like market exclusivity = helping competitors.

    "(this mean they will regularly provide you with detailed reports regarding which of your marketing activities are generating new leads and which need to be stopped immediately)"

    mean should be means.

    "During this initial analysis we will identify where your business currently is, the level of sales growth you desire, and what you are currently doing to achieve this desired growth."

    This seems weird because you say you'll identify the amount of sales growth they desire. Seems weird for you to tell them what they desire.

    ----

    "Enter your email address below and we’ll send you the necessary information so we can get started on your business’s marketing analysis (as well as some marketing strategies you can start using TODAY to increase your sales at no cost!)"

    I have a few issues with this.

    1st) I dunno if getting their email is the best approach. You might want to use a more detailed form.
    2nd) I'd set expectations, and future pace here a bit.
    Here's what I mean.
    Instead of saying what you say, say this instead:
    "When you fill out the questionnaire - you'll be notified by me, or a member of my staff. From there we'll talk about what we can do for your business to get tracked and verifiable change blah blah"
    Don't know if those are the words I'd specifically use, but you get the idea.
    3) I don't like the "sign up" button. What exactly are they "signing up" for?

    Also I'd put a pic of your face above your signature.

    Those are my 2 cents, from quickly skimming through it.

    Best of luck to you Dexx.

    --------------

    Also if you need some rock solid testimonials fast, and you want to get them while putting forth hardly any effort - pm me. I've got a pretty cool method.
    Signature

    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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    • Profile picture of the author Dexx
      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      I don't like the gray font after "Before choosing a marketing company you must know..."

      Also I think the font is too light all over.
      Ya, the changing of the font color was a last minute decision. I thought the contrast might be more visually appealing...perhaps making all the font text black in color would be better and easier to read?

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      Also "Will they offer your business industry exclusivity? (in other words, if your competitors approach them as well...will they begin helping your competitors to steal new customers away from you...while you pay them to do the exact same thing)"

      The way you phrase this (and I might be getting nitpicky here) makes it sound like market exclusivity = helping competitors.
      I see what you mean, I should have phrased that better to show the advantage of exclusivity instead showing the negative of it not being in place.

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      "During this initial analysis we will identify where your business currently is, the level of sales growth you desire, and what you are currently doing to achieve this desired growth."

      This seems weird because you say you'll identify the amount of sales growth they desire. Seems weird for you to tell them what they desire.
      I meant it to mean that by the business going through the analysis it will allow us to identify that information (present situation, their current sales, and desired growth). I'll have to rewrite that.

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      "Enter your email address below and we'll send you the necessary information so we can get started on your business's marketing analysis (as well as some marketing strategies you can start using TODAY to increase your sales at no cost!)"

      I have a few issues with this.

      1st) I dunno if getting their email is the best approach. You might want to use a more detailed form.
      I was thinking of getting them to submit their email initially and then after submitting their email they are taken to a page which will have the form for them to fill out and a free report to download.

      By having them submit their email initially, I figured we could capture their email for follow-up if they don't complete the full analysis form on the following page (as opposed to losing the opportunity for good).

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      2nd) I'd set expectations, and future pace here a bit.
      Here's what I mean.
      Instead of saying what you say, say this instead:
      "When you fill out the questionnaire - you'll be notified by me, or a member of my staff. From there we'll talk about what we can do for your business to get tracked and verifiable change blah blah"
      Don't know if those are the words I'd specifically use, but you get the idea.
      Yea, that will occur on the following page when they complete the survey.

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      3) I don't like the "sign up" button. What exactly are they "signing up" for?
      I agree, I kind of just grabbed a placeholder for the submission form right now, I'll be selecting more appropriate submission images prior to launch.

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      "Also I'd put a pic of your face above your signature.
      Instead of at the top of the page? Or have it at both locations?

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      "Those are my 2 cents, from quickly skimming through it.

      Best of luck to you Dexx.
      Thank you for the great feedback!

      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      Also if you need some rock solid testimonials fast, and you want to get them while putting forth hardly any effort - pm me. I've got a pretty cool method.
      Can't hurt to learn knew strategies, will do!

      Cheers,

      ~Dexx
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    I'd put your face in both spots.
    Signature

    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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  • Profile picture of the author modex
    Yep, even though I'm a noob on this forum but I've done my fair share of writing. I would suggest that you edit this page and reduce the copy by atleast 20-30%. Put in some images and videos. They attract people and improve retention rates. I also noticed a minor typo:
    "Let us increase you sales by 30 – 90% in as little as 30 days–GUARANTEED!"

    Typos of any kind just squash all credibility instantly. You "no" what I mean?

    Another helpful tip would be to include some freebies in the copy itself. Like some parts from your info-product - it could be a few tips, a free chapter, etc.

    My two cents..
    Cheers and all the best!
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    • Profile picture of the author Dexx
      Originally Posted by modex View Post

      Yep, even though I'm a noob on this forum but I've done my fair share of writing. I would suggest that you edit this page and reduce the copy by atleast 20-30%. Put in some images and videos. They attract people and improve retention rates. I also noticed a minor typo:
      "Let us increase you sales by 30 – 90% in as little as 30 days–GUARANTEED!"

      Typos of any kind just squash all credibility instantly. You "no" what I mean?

      Another helpful tip would be to include some freebies in the copy itself. Like some parts from your info-product - it could be a few tips, a free chapter, etc.

      My two cents..
      Cheers and all the best!
      Yeah, I agree. I'm probably going to re-write the letter from scratch and focus more on social proof and how we actually accomplish our results.

      As mentioned above it is mostly just fluff with no real substance right now in terms of backing up the claims being made.

      I'll be recording a video which does provide some value and results in advance if they apply what I show them (while also confirming that I know what I'm talking about)

      Thanks for catching the typo at the bottom of the page, I might have the backspace button one too many times when I was doing the summary.

      Cheers,

      ~Dexx
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  • Profile picture of the author tas26
    Banned
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Dexx,

      What's the intention and desire of the visitor?

      How have they found out about you?

      Are you using direct response ads, letters or flyers that drive them to a web page?

      Until we know this, we are playing blind archery!

      Have to match your message to what they go there for.

      I mean, what are your objectives?

      Once we get a better idea on this, we can start disqualifying leads
      to those that you want to be talking to and moving your sales cycle forward much faster.

      We can start measuring your leads and conversions as 2 separate
      points. There are many ways to optimize your ads and optimizing your conversions,
      but we need to have baseline measuring in place to make it work.

      But in the end, it all seems too complicated and drawn out what you are doing.

      Just comparing it to cold emails, and following up with phone calls with those that qualify themselves in their response.

      My 2 cents.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author alfid
    I think you should add a explanatory video with stories or real-life examples. It will increase credibility and, because of that, your sales ratio.
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