I like the testimonials - but the sub-head, headline, posthead, bullets - just doesn't do it for me.

After I had absorbed the message(which I had to make a conscious and concentrated effort to do so) the only thing I thought was.

"What the hell is this thing?" and not in a curious "I must have it" kind of way.

Just a big disgruntled "Huh?"

Long title.

Try a better title, add Mr. Rich's success story, add little tidbits that are inside the product as teasers to entice people to converting.

Is this related to your other thread about traditional sales letters? Since your only asking for an email address, it doesn't have to be overly salesy.

Another thing that I could suggest is to add pictures/headshots of those people in the testimonials. If they have a website, put it under their name. I think this would add to the credibility of those testimonials.

I would test a similar squeeze page with a short promo video. See what works better. I'd bet on the video squeeze page.

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Move the "As featured in" to the top banner. It's instant credibility, so why put it below the fold? Second, Waaaayyyy too wordy on the copy, trim it down.

Check out how I slimmed down the headline in this guy's thread to get an idea of what I mean...

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post5787206

Looks like a good offer though, nice job.

Ronak,

First impression: Seems like a lot of words in general, and a lot of big words. Testimonials are good.

Definitely cut down the call to action "download the holy grail of internet marketing..."

I did the following you guys said:

Asked me to enter Dan Kennedy's name
cut the "holy grail of internet marketing"...
made it less worded as much as possible...
am looking for a header graphic designer to create instant credibility for my squeeze page.
Added a short video of Rich. Looking for the startup to freedom video.

I agree with Ken. An opt-in doesn't require
parting with money. It requires lesser copy -
in fact, I know some great marketers who
get 50% optin rates from extremely short
copy.

It should be like..
*smack!*
"Oh--- what?" (Reader intrigued and needs
to satisfy curiosity)
*opts in!*

30 seconds can be the minimum it takes.

Since you have brilliant testimonials... Get
one, slap the most intriguing one as a
headline. Use short reason-why copy as to
why you're giving the bribes free and your
most wanted bulleted benefits.

Remember, squeezes and salespages need to
be written slightly differently.

Ken, my fellow member...

Would appreciate if you would point me in the right direction. Can you get a little more specific?

Long title and a bit too noisy for me. Also I prefer cleaner design but that might just be the scandinavian in me talking...

Well, as others have mentioned, the titles are long, and a bit over the top. My BS meter went off even before I read through the headline. It would be helpful to know more about what the Manifesto is actually about.

From a design standpoint, it's not the best use of layout space, typography, and spacing. For example, the testimonials could be toned down and showcased better.

Mostly, though, I still have no idea what this thing really is except for the few benefits listed. It could use less noisy cowbell and more substance, IMO.

Pretend you're telling me about this Manifesto over coffee somewhere. What would you say, how would you describe it?

Here you go...

- lose the social bar or move it down, better yet, put it on the TY page (why would someone share something they know nothing about?)
- pre-header is way too long and hard to read... i jumped straight to the headline... which lost me.
- headline is not believable. wealthy in no time = scam biz op. Focus on one really cool aspect of the report... Something like... "Free Report Reveals 1 Simple Tweak That Could Send Your Competition Running for Cover"

This also looks like you've got Rich's permission to give away the report. (Maybe you do?) If you don't, prepare to be eaten.

Paul

Guys I changed the design of the squeeze page. There is no video nor a fake video image. Please comment.

Can any squeeze page expert comment on my squeeze page?

I'm not a "squeeze page expert" but I like this version even less. Try using the rule of 1 in the headline, and follow that throughout the copy. Each section of the copy should make the reader want to read the next one.

As it stands now, the page seems quite disjointed, without a clear pathway of reason for the reader to follow. There should be an inevitable conclusion for the reader that they should download this report.

Hello Ronak,

Just a couple of quick edit suggestions for you to test...

I believe the word "Being" in your headline should be removed.

It's there twice currently and shouldn't be there at all.

It's a weak, passive verb and unnecessary.

Also, where you have the !..."

I believe you should test it with !"...

instead.

Otherwise, you lose the power of the ellipses to naturally guide
the reader's eyes to continue down the readership path and move
them through your copy to your call to action.

When you have it the way it is with the ellipses "closed off", it creates an instant
"speed bump" where the reader could stop reading right there due to the apparent
conclusion of the idea suggested by the positioning of the punctuation.

Also, I believe you should test reducing the pre-head to only a few words
which naturally lead your reader into the headline.

As it is now, it's too "wordy", "lengthy" and nowhere near succinct enough
to accomplish its purpose. It also stretches all the way to the right margin when it should only be a few words on the upper left to lead into the headline.

Try to reduce the big idea of it to only a few words. And I mean like 3 or 4.

As it is now, you're losing readers by the overreaching pre-head attempting to do more than it should long before the reader reaches the headline.

Remember, it's main purpose is to guide your reader into the headline.

When you test the edits I've suggested, I believe you'll find it will accomplish the goal
of encouraging more readership with the ellipses keeping the idea open and naturally suggesting the reader continue to read on through to the next piece of copy.

And the results? An instant increase in your conversions.

Of course, with a paid critique, I'd have more time to thoroughly examine with a more comprehensive look, but I thought I'd give you a few solid edits to test in the meantime.

It is improving.

In my opinion, the pre-head is still too long and reaches too far to the right.

See if you can test shortening it more. Or at least break the text up in half
and put the second half on the line beneath it to lead into the headline.

Also, I believe you should remove the word "Becoming" from the headline.
(For the same reason you removed "Being"--It's wimpy, passive and unnecessary.)

Next, what you did with the exclamation and ellipses in the headline,
apply to the "YOU Can Beat Them at Their Own Game"...

(for the same reason as before.)

Then immediately following you could test "Here's How YOU Can Too!"

You may also want to put your deck copy in italics to keep interest
and even highlight YOU Can Beat Them at Their Own Game"...

You may also want to include a bulleted list of about 5-8 benefits
your reader gets after they get it followed by a direct call to action above the webform.

When you download your copy of The Internet Business Manifesto you'll discover:

*How benefit 1

*benefit 2

*3

*4

*5

*6

*and much, much more!

Just type your name and email in the form below then click "Download Now"

Yes, the testimonials are a nice touch. Definite improvements from the first version.

Good tweak-outs so far.

Try ripping it further, as a matter or simplifying further.

Remove every other word and see if you can tighten it up.

GREAT job!

Guess what Steve...

All of you guys gave me testosterone!

This one's for all of you guys..

I've finally found the page to be much much better than what it was previously! If you guys check, let me know.

Some of the ideas above are excellent but I'm sorry, I use OptimizePress which is great for graphics and design but writing custom content at a specific location can be difficult.

My special thanks to Ewen, Doug, Steve, Paul, Kaare, Ken, Ryan, Matt, Kevin, Seth, Wytnyt and Andy for their special contribution. In particular, I am indebted to Doug Barger, Steve Hill, Ewen Mack for their splendid contribution.

I took some ideas and copy-pasted directly as well. Creating this squeeze page has been exciting but painful. I find, though there is definite scope for improvement and would appreciate your comments as well, the squeeze page has been found. Way cool!

All of your ideas are appreciated folks. Please comment further if you've any ideas or suggestions. I will implement them and let you know my results.

Guys I got on the 3rd page of Google already for the term "Internet Business Manifesto" even before I started optimizing my site for SEO. WOW! I'm sure gonna rock. SEO is gonna be damn good, I'm sure. Hope I get a lot of traffic.

I would want a quick review of my squeeze page from any of you guys.. I have the final version I guess.. Just need a second opinion... Can you please share your opinion?

Ronak.

I would say that the top banner is a bit busy and taking the attention from a bit long title.
I would give a bit space on the page - but over all looks good!

It seems great to me, but having the header remove might be better.. in terms of look (just my personal opinion)

I'm also using optimizepress to create my squeeze page: FREE Video - It's Time to Work Smart Instead of Just Working Hardautomated-passive-income.com

1 more headsup.. remove the powered by optimizepress at the footer below, you can do so by logging in to your admin area under optimizepress general setting.

Hope this help,
Jeremiah

I'd like to know if you're having Rich Schrefren as a real client... Or are you helping someone get leads by bribing people with rich's product?

Curiously,
- Winston Thaler

The first impression, too many words for a headline. I think you should write a shorter one, simpler and straight to the point.

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