Promised I wouldn't do this, but can I get a critique?

13 replies
I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I said, "no way, I'm a professional writer and I won't bother others with my copy."

But, it sat there, asking to be critiqued. I pleaded and begged, but it just kept asking.

So, can I get a critique? Here is my new sales page:
Raise IQ PLR Offer

Any help would be great. Thanks in advance.
#critique #promised
  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
    If you want to improve as a Copywriter, lower your “standards” of your self.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    That was sarcasm at the beginning, not me being arrogant. If you aren't going to critique the content then don't bother posting.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      I think the headline is really drab. I definitely think you can create a more compelling one.
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      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author daveshu
    "Let me give you just a few ideas of what you can do with these articles to easily recoup your “losses” from this purchase."

    I don't think that line paints a pretty picture - losses - really - it doesn't inspire confidence.
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  • Profile picture of the author PhilB
    Originally Posted by KimboJim View Post

    I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I said, "no way, I'm a professional writer and I won't bother others with my copy."

    But, it sat there, asking to be critiqued. I pleaded and begged, but it just kept asking.

    So, can I get a critique? Here is my new sales page:
    Raise IQ PLR Offer

    Any help would be great. Thanks in advance.
    Hi KimboJim

    Just my 2 cents, other people will disagree...

    OK first thing: I quite liked the headline.

    2) A darker background would draw your eye to the text more

    3) Having the order graphic so near the top put me off and

    4) Red headlines seem unprofessional - always try and stand apart from the crowd.

    Dark green even would be better than red imho. Not many people use that and green has been proven to inspire trust.

    Good luck :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author NickN
    I don't like your headline, because it has too many mental images. First my wallet's busting... then my bank account's fattening... then my account's gasping for air... all in a span of 15 words.

    Stick to one mental image, or you'll confuse your reader.

    You also have a typo in your PS. ("I hope you still the buy button...")
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    whole thing needs to be reworked... you have an order button right after a paragraph or 2.... =fail.

    explain what you've got.... why they need it.... and what they need to do next.

    thats essentially what you need without getting super crazy detailed.

    what do you have?

    why do they need it?

    what do they need to do next?

    answer those 3 questions and you've got your sales copy.
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    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
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  • Profile picture of the author Pecan
    Your copy must be doing well if you've only got 12 out of 200 left!

    You spend a lot of time on what people can do with the PLR. Most people looking at PLR already know what to do with it.

    Instead, I think you should write more about how great and open this market is. You touch on it in your Amazon and Clickbank sections.

    Maybe tell us about the quality of the articles. Did you write them yourself?

    Your headline too should focus less on the great deal they're getting and more on the buyer breaking into a wide open and profitable niche.

    The writing itself was good. It read easily enough.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    "The amateur marketer won’t understand the potential of these articles, but I know you will."

    I liked that line.

    Headline is a strange metaphor. I "get it" but it just feels weird to me.

    You don't build up your credibility enough. Have you sold other great packages before? Did buyers say nice things you can quote? Is this package even better than all the rest? You know, in the same way this weeks episode of American Idol is always billed as the most dramatic elimination EVER!

    Bottom-line Buster Douglas: You're Kimbo freakin' Jim... let them know they're standing eye-to-eye with a PLR legend, and if they don't bite on your deal they're gonna rue it until their last waking breath.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    A lot of great suggestions here, and I am definitely going to put them into practice. I'm happy some people touched on the design, because I am terrible with HTML/CSS.

    I know the languages, but whenever I do something with them an element is too small, or something is strangely to the right, etc.

    It also looks like I misjudged the demographic. I was writing for people who didn't know the potential of all PLR and wanted to give them an idea of what to do. However, writing for someone who does know about PLR would probably be better, considering that others wouldn't really be buying a pack of PLR articles.

    Well, that just gives me some work to do. Thanks for the help.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    I like that headline. I might even use it if I can't think of a better one.
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  • Profile picture of the author knish
    You need to work on the headline. The rest of your copy is good. Certainly clear, concise and straight to the point. The basic layout and colour are nice. Good look!
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