8 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
8 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

How's the copy on this squeeze page?

by pjs
6 replies
Hey guys.. I am readying to launch a new info product I've been working on for some months and I want to start building an interest list (I'm already behind schedule for this part)..

I put up a squeeze page to capture names/emails so when the product is ready to launch, I have a list of people already waiting. ok, basic stuff right..

So, here is what I have. I normally would make the opt-in box above the fold but I felt like this needed to be sold to actually build a motivated list as opposed to someone just trying to get the free ebook (my last info product I created, and still sell to this day) I am also offering.

Anyways, can I get some honest opinions on the copy here...

http://www.MomAndPopMoney.com

Thanks guys! I readily admit that copy isn't my strong suit but I've read a ton on the subject (Joe Vitale, Dan Kennedy, Robert Collier, etc.) so I really do try to write "moving" copy LOL.. That said, please be totally honest.. my feelings won't be (that) hurt

Thanks again!

Peter
#copy #page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author hibernate
    If I could offer constructive criticism; how does the copy tie in with the title "Mom and Pop Money"? I don't follow the connection and if there is not a clear connection you might lose potential customers.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[48713].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
      Peter: I would remove the header entirely (it has no connection to what you appear to talking about??? - or at least make it a lot smaller/thinner)....then you can push the page up and have room to insert the opt-in box above the fold. Also, not so sure it is an advantage to link to a letter that accuses you of stealing someone elses program??....theres more but thats what I noticed first.
      Signature
      Get Offline Clients With NO Resistance!-CLICK HERE
      POWER LETTERS Get Offline Appointments
      These Email Templates Land You Great Clients!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[48784].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author crankolicious
        There is no real idea as to what the product is or what is involved, and the threats mentioned are, to speak frankly, unbelievable.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[48924].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author blujam
          Hiya Peter,

          Ok, this is gonna be brutally honest, no punches pulled...

          #1. You need to study up on squeeze pages,
          this one stinks. I like Matt Glanfield's squeezez,
          very plain, very efficient.

          #2. The graphics are weak, at best.

          #3. The headline should tie the graphics to the copy,
          but it seems totally unrelated.

          #4. The optin needs to be above the fold.

          #5. You need an ethical bribe, so I have a reason
          to sign up. oops, I see you have one, just no
          graphic, so I can see the ebook I would get...

          #6. Here's how it should go

          No graphics

          Pre head

          Head

          Deck copy

          3 bullets with benefits of signing up

          picture of the ebook you're giving away

          optin form

          end of page...

          I hope that helps, and always test, test, test.

          The numbers will tell you what's right.

          Best Wishes!
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[49032].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author pjs
        Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

        Peter: I would remove the header entirely (it has no connection to what you appear to talking about??? - or at least make it a lot smaller/thinner)....then you can push the page up and have room to insert the opt-in box above the fold. Also, not so sure it is an advantage to link to a letter that accuses you of stealing someone elses program??....theres more but thats what I noticed first.
        No, I'm not stealing anything. I just wanted to put an exclamation point on the fact that this system is right in front of everyones faces, but hardly anyone uses it.

        Originally Posted by blujam View Post

        Hiya Peter,

        Ok, this is gonna be brutally honest, no punches pulled...

        #1. You need to study up on squeeze pages,
        this one stinks. I like Matt Glanfield's squeezez,
        very plain, very efficient.

        #2. The graphics are weak, at best.

        #3. The headline should tie the graphics to the copy,
        but it seems totally unrelated.

        #4. The optin needs to be above the fold.

        #5. You need an ethical bribe, so I have a reason
        to sign up. oops, I see you have one, just no
        graphic, so I can see the ebook I would get...

        #6. Here's how it should go

        No graphics

        Pre head

        Head

        Deck copy

        3 bullets with benefits of signing up

        picture of the ebook you're giving away

        optin form

        end of page...

        I hope that helps, and always test, test, test.

        The numbers will tell you what's right.

        Best Wishes!
        Thanks! I agree with everything you said. Although, I do sort of like the graphics lol..

        I knew I should have kept the squeeze page much simpler. I thought I would try to build up emotion and anticipation for the release by trying to exaggerating the controversy around the product.

        Stick to the basics... Thanks again everyone!
        Signature
        Mom and Pop Money WSO *** - How ONE Lead Capture Page Made $9K in 2 Weeks in the "Offline" niche!

        PeterSanchez.com >>> FollowPeter.com (Twitter)
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[49801].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Joshua N. Rabon
          I agree with what everyone said and would like to add a few points

          From reading your offer and this post it seems to me one of the most attention grabbing things is that you're giving away a book your currently selling. You don't reveal this till the end and you're not drawing much attention to it. Tell em how many you've sold, how many sales a day, testimonials for it etc...

          Sell the freebie and make the story of the "ugly aftermath" and the benefits of it, the bonus and use a lot more teasing and curiosity building phrases.

          Don't use the letter on the squeeze page. Maybe use it in one of the rapport building emails but not too early and only if your sure you look like a noble Robin Hood and not just a hood. Showing the letter this early could work but you'd need strooong copy. I see what you're trying to do and it could be very persuasive, but it'd take a lot of time rewriting and re-thinking to pull that off. I would charge a client 2-3x's what I charge for a normal squeeze page(only if they insisted) because what you're trying to pull off is not easy and may or may not be worth the extra work and time.

          The 80% discount makes you seem desperate to get people on the list. That combined with giving away a book you currently sell doesn't peak curiosity and instead of channeling desire it seems fishy.

          You seem to have most of the elements needed to get opt-ins - drama, controversy, freebie,... but you need more benefits clearly spelled out.

          Frame the benefits of the freebie as a transformation and frame the benefits of the bonus (the controversial story and all it's secrets and juicy entertaining details) as taking that transformation to the next level.
          Signature

          For Free Tips & Tools For Tuning Into The Reality You Desire Visit My Blog
          http://http://realitytuningsecrets.weebly.com/

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[50175].message }}

Trending Topics