Sales Letter Review - Be Gentle, it's my first time.

"Be Gentle, it's my first time."

Yeah, right. Are you sure you're in the right forum?

Hey fellas, over here... Fresh meat.



- Rick Duris

Gavin,

Well done for getting this created. I am being just matter of fact and gentle as I can be.

Once I made myself stay on the page and read it, I found some great info. and would be very interested, however, if it weren't for reviewing it for you, I would not have stayed on the page to find that out.

At first glance, it is too wide and so there appears to be too much to read right away therefore, if it were me and probably most people, they'd just bounce off the page because you didn't really grap my attention enough with colors or simple words in the first 3 seconds.

Make the body narrower in the page so there is less to look at.

Make the backgound white or almost white so that what is in red really pops.

I use a template for this type thing that I got from a top IMer that is still to this day used by him because it works. It converts very well. Feel free to use the format but not the message.

Make the headline stand out by being red and bold and have a much higher impact message.

Since this is a sales page, I would remove the title of the company banner at the top because it is just taking up valuable space.

After the head and sub head, put in some brief bullet points about how great this will be for them.

Change the headlines through the body of the page to red also so everything doesn't run together as just being more black print to read.

Highlight something important with yellow.

Underline some key points.

You put the statement about volatility in a box as it is important. I would place that after the bullet points and then immediately list some more bullet points of how your product will show them exactly how to spot volatile trades and make more money (or however you want to say it). Make it 5 or 7 bullets, never and even number, indent them and bold every other one.

Reading down the page, I see this:

What could you do with an extra $2,000 per month?


Pay off your credit cards and mortgage?
Quit your job and become a full time trader?
Take your family on vacations around the world?
Buy a house on the beach?
Start your own charity?

I would put that at the top and make that list indented and bullet points with every other one bold.

Maybe make this:

What could you do with an extra $2,000 per month?
the sub head.

Center the video and place it higher on the page.

When you get to explaining the modules, it is too many words not broken up and easy for the eye to see. Remember, most people, if you DO get their attention will more likely scan the page rather than read it. Make the descriptions of each module some key, stand out, bullet points.

Given that some years back I paid a lot more money for what it appears you are offering and I know even today, what you are offering costs thousands of dollars and people buy it up all the time, I suggest you mention something like that so people know you are actually offering real value here.

Before you start making any changes though, save a copy of this one so in case others like it the way it is you still have it.

The bottom line is to split test.

Even though I got my template from a very successful top IMer, I had read so much on here that I took some of the "fancy" pages, some with video and some without and tested them for myself, and the simple ones that I got from the IMer convert the best. He says no pictures and no videos and to keep it simple. So that is all I use now no matter what niche I go into.

Hope that helps.

I laughed a little at the strange title... (What was I thinking)

First thing I did was look at the offer and the price point. $299 per month, and well, a pretty short copy. You need to test multiple order buttons as well (not just 2). Normally the top and the bottom (especially) have the most number of clicks.

Two questions in a headline have a disruptive rhythm... Trim it! I wouldn't go with straight out rapport-building in the headline (although the idea is to sell the person into reading).

I also see huge walls of text that seem like pillars of a castle to me. While there are some that would read it, societal ADD suggests that most will just trip over it and read the headlines.

Try breaking up the paragraphs! I thought I was on cough medicine.

If you have proof, you want to "infer" or in subtle manners, show the proof for your system right at the very start. (You don't have to mention your system does it - make people infer it and connect the dots easily)

Well, I'll look over more of it later - kinda busy.

Hey Gavin,

Here are some "gentle" suggestions .

The headline is too long. It feels like the headline would fit better in the first paragraph. Same goes for the subheadline. Too long, and by the time I reach the end of it I'm not exactly sure what you want to say.

The first sentence sounds good but break it into smaller pieces.

You say "The best kept secret revealed", and the you actually reveal it in the next line (or it looks like you are). Suspense goes a long way to keeping readers hooked.

Change "nearly 50%" into something more accurate, like "47%" - gives the feeling that you know what you're talking about.

Break the paragraphs into smaller, easier to read pieces.

You're giving the reader too many chances to say "no" to your questions. Go through each and every question in your copy and ask yourself "Could the reader answer this with no?" If "yes", then you need to take it out or change it. Plus, too many questions in the subheads. Make them shorter and vary the format - it keeps the reader from dozing off.

Get an editor to check the text.

Insert some bullet lists from time to time and sprinkle a testimonial here and there, not just at the end of the end.

You need a stronger P.S. If people just scroll to the end of the page without reading everything, chances are the P.S. will catch their eye, so you want to make it as good as the headline.

Hope it helps, good luck!