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Please critique my sales page - read sticky already!

by afilmarket
9 replies
Hey guys,

So I'm promoting a Mixed Martial Arts product through ClickBank, and have come up with this sales page, based on all the affiliate resources.

I read through the sticky post, and have done my best to include all the points.

It's my first attempt! Would be really grateful for any advice you may have.

Thanks a lot

#1 MMA Workout Program | Best MMA Workout
#critique #page #read #sales #sticky
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hey,

    If you're bypassing Eric's sales page then you need make sure you get his permission. And unless it was in his affiliate resource area you'll need permission to use his header too.

    You're wasting the valuable above-the-fold real estate with your overly generous spacing and a "so what?" picture.

    And when I scroll down my eye gets lost in the sea of bullets plus you don't need to use three different colors for them.

    The second picture's captioned "Me..." (and there's a typo in there) but no where in the page do you introduce us to Eric.

    Just about everything after that looks like it's taken directly from Eric's copy so you might as well send the traffic directly to the original sales page.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hey,

      If you're bypassing Eric's sales page then you need make sure you get his permission. And unless it was in his affiliate resource area you'll need permission to use his header too.

      You're wasting the valuable above-the-fold real estate with your overly generous spacing and a "so what?" picture.

      And when I scroll down my eye gets lost in the sea of bullets plus you don't need to use three different colors for them.

      The second picture's captioned "Me..." (and there's a typo in there) but no where in the page do you introduce us to Eric.

      Just about everything after that looks like it's taken directly from Eric's copy so you might as well send the traffic directly to the original sales page.
      Thanks for the advice! Will get working
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      • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
        You need an emotional hook.

        No one is dreaming about 'getting a cardio workout.'
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    The phrase Best MMA Workout - puts you way off track immediately.

    It isn't instantly clear whether you're going to show me how to get a rock hard elite fighter's bod - or if you're gonna show me how to kick the crap out of people.

    Your headline only makes this more confusing.

    Your headline is way off - and needs to be totally rewritten (probably several times)

    Too much white space, too much scrolling.

    The text color isn't helping you at all. Instead of changing the color for alternating bullets, bold one and not the other.

    The body text is gray. Change that.

    Your opening is basically non-existent.

    Your bullets are in the wrong place - and they're essentially non-existent where you really need them.

    Some of your bullets aren't even bullets at all..

    That's just from skimming through it - I didn't read the whole thing because it is super hard to read.

    This piece needs A LOT of work.

    But you do have some nuggets of gold hidden in there. Your hook, and your credibility are almost phenomenal. I say almost because I'm not totally sure that you're telling the truth and that you're actually Erik Wong.

    If I were you I'd get a video of you and a popular MMA fighter on video talking about your product.

    Keep going man.

    Normally I don't tell people to just outright hire a copywriter. But I really think you should. Because you could be sitting on a goldmine here - and I'd hate to see you miss out just because you were determined to go it alone.

    -Andy
    Signature

    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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    • Profile picture of the author videolover7
      Why do you have blue text underlined?

      Blue text underlined is usually links, so readers will find this confusing.

      Confused people get distracted and don't buy.

      VL
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    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by ASCW View Post

      The phrase Best MMA Workout - puts you way off track immediately.

      It isn't instantly clear whether you're going to show me how to get a rock hard elite fighter's bod - or if you're gonna show me how to kick the crap out of people.

      Your headline only makes this more confusing.

      Your headline is way off - and needs to be totally rewritten (probably several times)

      Too much white space, too much scrolling.

      The text color isn't helping you at all. Instead of changing the color for alternating bullets, bold one and not the other.

      The body text is gray. Change that.

      Your opening is basically non-existent.

      Your bullets are in the wrong place - and they're essentially non-existent where you really need them.

      Some of your bullets aren't even bullets at all..

      That's just from skimming through it - I didn't read the whole thing because it is super hard to read.

      This piece needs A LOT of work.

      But you do have some nuggets of gold hidden in there. Your hook, and your credibility are almost phenomenal. I say almost because I'm not totally sure that you're telling the truth and that you're actually Erik Wong.

      If I were you I'd get a video of you and a popular MMA fighter on video talking about your product.

      Keep going man.

      Normally I don't tell people to just outright hire a copywriter. But I really think you should. Because you could be sitting on a goldmine here - and I'd hate to see you miss out just because you were determined to go it alone.

      -Andy
      Ok, thanks for the feedback! Do you hav an example of a sales page you've done, so I can see what I'm aiming for? Or an example of a good sales page you know of?
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  • Profile picture of the author BFMktg
    One thing I've noticed that I'd like to see more marketers do is to use capture pages before giving any information away. Before telling them who you are and what you have to offer, you want to give them a teaser about what you're offering before dishing out any details. Usually a customer can appreciate a product/opportunity more if they feel as if they discovered it on their own terms, so try to lead them along with Self-Discovery.

    "How do I do that?" ~ You

    Read through your copy and find the key benefits of what you're offering. Try to sell them on learning more. EX: Discover GUARANTEED PROVEN Time-Tested Insider MMA Secrets From Professional UFC Coach Eric Wong...

    Then dive into a few details of what to expect if they fill out their information to learn more. THEN, and only after they give you their contact info, send them to the page with your sales copy. There are numerous other methods, but the idea is self-discovery. Don't give up the goods, until your prospect gives you something first. Make them prove that they're sincerely interested in what you're bringing to the table.

    If you're interested on how to do this, and would like any assistance feel free to PM me. I have something that I think would be a perfect fit for what you're doing, and I'm willing to offer it to you for FREE, because I think we could help one another out. Best of luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by BFMktg View Post

      One thing I've noticed that I'd like to see more marketers do is to use capture pages before giving any information away. Before telling them who you are and what you have to offer, you want to give them a teaser about what you're offering before dishing out any details. Usually a customer can appreciate a product/opportunity more if they feel as if they discovered it on their own terms, so try to lead them along with Self-Discovery.

      "How do I do that?" ~ You

      Read through your copy and find the key benefits of what you're offering. Try to sell them on learning more. EX: Discover GUARANTEED PROVEN Time-Tested Insider MMA Secrets From Professional UFC Coach Eric Wong...

      Then dive into a few details of what to expect if they fill out their information to learn more. THEN, and only after they give you their contact info, send them to the page with your sales copy. There are numerous other methods, but the idea is self-discovery. Don't give up the goods, until your prospect gives you something first. Make them prove that they're sincerely interested in what you're bringing to the table.

      If you're interested on how to do this, and would like any assistance feel free to PM me. I have something that I think would be a perfect fit for what you're doing, and I'm willing to offer it to you for FREE, because I think we could help one another out. Best of luck!
      Hello, and thanks for the tips! I am already doing what you're suggesting, however! Check my signature and you'll see my squeeze page.

      Trying to get leads through forum marketing hey - I'm in the same business, haha! But in a different niche (mixed martial arts) :p
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      • Profile picture of the author BFMktg
        Perfect, you already have a squeeze page. That's exactly what I'm talking about, but here's how to take it a step further...

        Being that you're following the Online Network Marketer's Sales Format...I'm sure you're aware of other Network Marketing Guru's who've develop these Automated Turn-Key Marketing Systems to not only promote the product for themselves, but also to allow others to promote their product as well. If not, let me give you a quick idea.

        First of all, you're promoting a ClickBank product. We know how the affiliate portion of it works...you promote a book or product and earn a commission based off of your affiliate link. Being that this product is yours, others can promote your product/book with their affiliate link and earn commissions as well...right!?!?

        With that said, picture this...

        Let's say that you give others the ability to promote your MMA squeeze page. Rather than type in their "Name, Email and click Submit NOW", instead you ask for "Name, Email, Invitation Code and click Submit NOW".

        The Difference? Here's how it works...

        Let's say person A's affiliate code is 1234...

        When 1234 is entered into the CODE on your squeeze page, the next page that pops up is your Landing Page (#1 MMA Workout Program | Best MMA Workout.)

        Normally when the "ADD TO CART" icon is clicked on this page, it refers them to YOUR Clickbank order page. However, with the "1234" code, we know that Person "A" sent the prospect to your landing page. Now when "ADD TO CART" is clicked, the person is referred to the same order page "Ultimate MMA S&C Program - Limited Time Discount - 100% Guarantee", BUT they're now using THEIR affiliate link to accept the order. So, YOU are now making a commission off of someone else's efforts, AND THEY are also making an affiliate commission off of your product.

        What this creates is Leverage. Just like Franchising a Pizza Hut, you've already designed "The Hut". We're just giving others the ability to profit off of your efforts while you make a profit as well.

        I've already designed a system that will automate this process, and add another few elements to the marketing that would tie in to what you're currently doing. If you're interested, I'd like to use you as a BETA MEMBER on our site and work with you one on one to implement this feature for your marketing. You came here for referalls, and I came here for a Select Few Beta Testers. If you're interested, let me know. I'm not charging you a dime. I have some features I want to test with people, and you're one of the first posts I noticed that I wanted to talk to about this.
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