Sales Page Review Please

13 years ago

Will-

I know from your past posts that your sales letters are targeted to people that know you really well from your website, etc. You know their state of mind and the conversation going on in their head.

Still, this headline seems a little dull to me. I'd rather read specific benefits in the headline and subhead. More punch. I think it will draw in more prospects. Good luck.

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

How many more times do you need a free critique for this Will?

I'm referring to this thread from 13 May 2011...

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ales-page.html

This is the 4th time you've asked for a free critique from the copywriters in this section of the forum overall.

You run a successful business Will, why not this time dip your hand into your wallet and simply pay somebody to write your sales copy for you? Job done and dusted.

Sorry, I'm fully booked. But somebody else might be able to help you.

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

How many more times do you need a free critique for this Will?

I'm referring to this thread from 13 may 2011...

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ales-page.html

This is the 4th time you've asked for a free critique from the copywriters in this section of the forum overall.

You run a successful business Will, why not this time dip your hand into your wallet and simply pay somebody to write your sales copy for you? Job done and dusted.

Sorry, I'm fully booked. But somebody else might be able to help you.

Mark Andrews

What???

I am genuinely surprised by your response Mark. Is this sub-forum not about learning the art of copywriting?

Let me assure you, I don't expect anything from you or anyone else who does not share my views about what this forum is about.

Will

PS - If your's does turn out to be the official view, then MODS, please delete this thread!

PPS - ^ Not a bad PS for someone who is still learning

Thanks
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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

It's about giving back as well Will, no need to be so shocked.

There's nothing in it for the copywriters in this section to offer free critiques non-stop.

Completely new people who are genuinely looking for help who are trying their best and cannot afford to pay someone to write their copy for them - fair enough.

However when a successful businessman does the same not once, not twice, not even three times but 4 times all told, well, do you see my point?

I mean business is about a little give and take. And so far the only time we ever see you in this section of the forum is when you want something out of us for free.

Why not offer each pro copywriter this time (who provides you with a free critique and marketing advice to boot) a free book in the mail for example, as a way of expressing your appreciation for their time and kind assistance?

Could you do this for us?

And if not, why not? Perhaps offer something else maybe?

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...critiques.html

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...copy-here.html

It's important to give back too Will. Fair's fair.

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

It's about giving back as well Will, no need to be so shocked.

There's nothing in it for the copywriters in this section to offer free critiques non-stop.

Completely new people who are genuinely looking for help who are trying their best and cannot afford to pay someone to write their copy for them fair enough.

However when a successful businessman does the same not once, not twice, not even three times but 4 times all told, well, do you see my point?

I mean business is about a little give and take. And so far the only time we ever see you in this section of the forum is when you want something out of us for free.

Why not offer each professional copywriter this time who gives you a critique - a free book in the post for example as a way of expressing your appreciation?

Could you do this for us? And if not, why not? Perhaps offer something else?

It's important to give back too Will. Fairs fair.

Mark Andrews

Hello Mark

I can see from your 'thanked' stats that you are indeed a giver and if you take a look at mine, you will see that I am too. Anyone who has had any dealings with me knows I have a win-win attitude. I come here to give and take and I would say that if you were to look through my posts, you will find that I give more often.

As I said, your reaction completely surprised me. My view is that reading and replying to posts is a free will decision. If you don't think I deserve your valuable time, then I fully understand. I have already stated that I don't think your view represents the official stance of the forum. However, if it does, then I WILL stand corrected and have already asked the MODS to arbitrate.

What is unreasonable about that?

Will

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

The copywriters here I think give far more value back than probably every other section of the forum.

Ours is the most critical skill to acquire which takes the most time and effort to get really good at.

And yet often in this section, everyone and their uncle wants something out of us without paying for it Will.

When the advice applied could possibly give you such a huge return financially (as it often does), is it not reasonable to ask to be given a little something in return now and again Will?

Mark Andrews

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

The copywriters here I think give far more value back than probably every other section of the forum.

There may be others who would want to challenge you, but I am ambivalent on this point.

Ours is the most critical skill to acquire which takes the most time and effort to get really good at.

Yes, I think we agree on that.

And yet often in this section, everyone and their uncle wants something out of us without paying for it Will.

This is a discussion forum isn't it? People are free to post their questions aren't they? Isn't this forum about learning the art?

When the advice applied could possibly give you such a huge return financially (as it often does), is it not reasonable to ask to be given a little something in return now and again Will?

You don't believe in the principle of a discussion forum then - is that it? You want to be paid for your advice. Well fine. I don't want it in that case.

You are asking me to see your point and I don't. You have one view; I have another. We may disagree, but we are both reasonable people. Whether or not we agree or disagree is irrelevant. Either you are right or I am right. You can let the MODS decide.

Will

Thanks

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel

Will-

I know from your past posts that your sales letters are targeted to people that know you really well from your website, etc. You know their state of mind and the conversation going on in their head.

Still, this headline seems a little dull to me. I'd rather read specific benefits in the headline and subhead. More punch. I think it will draw in more prospects. Good luck.

Thanks Joe. I think the letter is in pretty good shape overall, but I do feel the headline needs work too. It is good to have a second opinion.

I'll get my thinking cap back on.

Will

Thanks

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

Okay, I say this to help you out Will...

Sure you can ask here and perhaps you'll receive some free help, but I'll tell you this much from experience...

Most of the replies you'll probably receive will be from newbies or less experienced copywriters new to the game.

There's a reason why most of the top copywriters here do not jump on every thread asking for a free critique. It's because they actually charge a fee for this service - typically starting at a minimum $250 to name your price.

What would you rather have?

More free advice from a bunch of newbies who may or may not give you sound business advice or professional wisdom which could really benefit your bottom line, the point being... rather than taking advice from just about anyone, which advice you maybe won't know is sound or not - perhaps instead the logical thing to do would be to...

...approach one professional highly experienced copywriter and say to them, "How much would you charge me please to offer me your professional assistance with this sales page?"

A few names spring to mind...

Ross Bowring.

Rick Duris.

Malcolm Lambe.

Mike Humphreys.

Arfa Saira.

Jennie Heckel.

Bruce Wedding.

There are several others you could ask too.

Having just this one pro copywriter / marketing consultant assist you would really pay for itself in no time at all.

You'd instantly do without the bother of wading through a load of meaningless replies (not knowing whose advice to apply or not) and your problem ultimately is solved instantly.

Yes, it will mean dipping your hand into your wallet but look at this way...

Would you rather take business advice from just about anyone willy nilly, advice which put into practice could harm your business and essentially you're back exactly where you started from (with the same problem) or...

Take the advice of just one well respected copywriter and put almost straightaway... a massive potential profit into your bank account.

With the one tactic you stand a very high possibility of simply going around and around in circles, with the other... you'll be instantly given a very strong pointer, directions on exactly what you need to do right now to help make your business one hell of a lot stronger.

Do you see my point Will?

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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RedShifted

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Okay, I say this to help you out Will...

Sure you can ask here and perhaps you'll receive some free help, but I'll tell you this much from experience...

Most of the replies you'll probably receive will be from newbies or less experienced copywriters new to the game.

There's a reason why most of the top copywriters here do not jump on every thread asking for a free critique. It's because they actually charge a fee for this service - typically starting at a minimum $250 to name your price.

What would you rather have?

More free advice from a bunch of newbies who may or may not give you sound business advice or professional wisdom which could really benefit your bottom line, the point being... rather than taking advice from just about anyone, which advice you maybe won't know is sound or not - perhaps instead the logical thing to do would be to...

...approach one professional highly experienced copywriter and say to them, "How much would you charge me please to offer me your professional assistance with this sales page?"

A few names spring to mind...

Ross Bowring.

Rick Duris.

Malcolm Lambe.

Mike Humphreys.

Arfa Saira.

Jennie Heckel.

Bruce Wedding.

There are several others you could ask too.

Having just this one pro copywriter / marketing consultant assist you would really pay for itself in no time at all.

You'd instantly do without the bother of wading through a load of meaningless replies (not knowing whose advice to apply or not) and your problem ultimately is solved instantly.

Yes, it will mean dipping your hand into your wallet but look at this way...

Would you rather take business advice from just about anyone willy nilly, advice which put into practice could harm your business and essentially you're back exactly where you started from (with the same problem) or...

Take the advice of just one well respected copywriter and put almost straightaway... a massive potential profit into your bank account.

With the one tactic you stand a very high possibility of simply going around and around in circles, with the other... you'll be instantly given a very strong pointer, directions on exactly what you need to do right now to help make your business one hell of a lot stronger.

Do you see my point Will?

Mark Andrews

You know out of all the posts in this thread I found yours to be the least valuable, and overall most annoying.

Why don't you just make a site that records everyones post to thank ratio so you can go around posting blasphemous garbage about how 30,000 members on this forum don't "give" or contribute?

Or maybe you work for the quality police idrk what your point is. While you're busy analyzing whether an individuals post is relevant to YOUR STANDARDS you are highjacking the thread and destroying its quality in the process.

Moreso, instead of trying to lead and guide newbie in a polite and respectful way, you post inflammatory garbage about how they're "spamming" the thread. Are you kidding me? Didn't your mother ever teach you manners? (encase people are curious he posted this garbage in the sex sells thread)

You have NO MORE RIGHT to be posting in this thread than ANYBODY ELSE.
I for one do not find it that difficult to IGNORE posts I personally do not feel are valuable. But guess what? Someone else MIGHT FIND THOSE POSTS VALUABLE. Just because everybody isn't willing to get out their books and have a long winded discussion does NOT mean you the right to tell those people how they need to post. (again this is in reference to the sex thread but it was this thread that really pushed me over the edge)

If you are that appauled by the thread afterall why not just leave? Or start your own forum? I can tell you one thing, as a newbie I'd be more eligible to leave this forum due to YOUR PERFECTIONIST GARBAGE then anyone else.

Sure a forum can have more quality posts. But you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. If you really cared afterall wouldn't you try actually making a thread for newbies that EXPLAINS how to post higher quality content? Also, I can now imagine everyone on this forum paying special attention to the quality of YOUR POSTS so please don't get angry when people start to call YOU out about it.

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

It's about giving back as well Will, no need to be so shocked.

/\ I for one was shocked I'll tell you that. I have seen Will "give" more than you just by being polite and respectful in this thread where he asked OTHERS for help. Isn't that shocking? He didn't even give us any specific advice, but he gave us a valuable model for how to treat people with manners. He did so by not calling you an arrogant dick.

Because I sure as heck would of if I was him.

Due to that fact, I must THANK WILL for his CONTRIBUTION of SHOWING ME how to deal with arrogant fake ass people like you.

(I'm sure I'm getting banned for this but it was definitely worth it)

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Hi Mark

I have been reading your past posts while waiting for your reply and I can now see that you have a bit of a 'thing' about people posting and asking for critiques. There was some discussion in a past post about starting a sub-sub-forum for the purpose.

But neither you nor I own this forum and, as I understand it, I have done nothing wrong in asking fellow Warriors for a little advice. My view is that they are free to ignore my request should they choose to do so.

Since you persist in questioning, let me see if I can explain why I do not wish to hire a copywriter. I am trying to improve my copywriting skills and (I don't think I am mistaken) I thought that this sub-forum was, in part about helping Warriors to do that.

You previously, rather tersely, said that you were fully booked and insinuated that you could not spare me any of your valuable time, so I realise that I must be very honoured to have almost your full time attention right now.

There have been very few threads over the years in which I have been drawn into lengthy, fruitless discussions. I realise that this is one of them. You could be busy writing your next great piece of copy and I could be busy reworking my headline without your advice.

Why don't we both get on with something more productive?

Will

PS I wish you no ill Mark. You have a point but your's is NOT the only view on this matter as evidenced by Warrior replies in other posts.

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

FWIW...

Ditch your main headline.

Your single biggest benefit which talks directly to me Will is this line...

"Do you want to completely
transform your life?"

Keep it simple, straight to the point.

Briefly skimmed over the rest of it - it's very good.

I particularly liked your call to action at the end when the potential buyer can choose how much they want to pay from the selected choices. A nice touch I thought.

Your biggest problem isn't your sales letter, there's really not a lot wrong with it. Your biggest problem which needs constant attention is driving huge amounts of highly targeted traffic (over 40's experiencing a mid-life crisis) to your offer page.

I've no doubt if you can reach this audience in large enough consistent numbers - it's going to convert very well for you.

Mark Andrews

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Thank you Mark. I appreciate your comment about the headline and the letter.

As for the 'problem' you mentioned, I get 1.7 million visitors per year to my site, so it's actually not a problem. But thanks anyway.

Will

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1 reply

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Will Edwards

Thank you Mark. I appreciate your comment about the headline and the letter.

As for the 'problem' you mentioned, I get 1.7 million visitors per year to my site, so it's actually not a problem. But thanks anyway.

Will

Of course I agree with your private message Will. (Consider it answered on this point).

Moving on...

1.7 million visitors per year?

This being the case, can we assume a 1% conversion rate currently? At a minimum £10 purchase applied to each buyer. (Since there is a choice between paying a minimum of £10 for this increasing in £10 increments up to £90).

This equals 17,000 sales at £10 (minimum) per purchase per annum = £170,000 ($270,000 USD) total revenue.

So asking for advice for critique purposes could prove to be extremely costly for you if God forbid you chose to implement some bad advice. Which comes back to my point about employing just one single highly professional copywriter to help you with this.

Obviously this site is bringing a hell of a lot of profit in. It's not like you cannot afford to take on the advice offered by one of the top professional copywriters on this forum.

My advice for what it's worth, contact Vin Montello or Rick Duris or someone similar and be prepared to pay a few tens of thousands of dollars for your sales letter or if happy with your current results, consult them on a professional level and simply pay them for their consultation time.

This way you're going to receive the absolute very best advice in the industry. You no longer need to worry then about which piece of advice is best.

Look at it this way. If you can double up the above given conversion rate, make the jump from 1% to 2% your corresponding income from this site jumps up to a minimum £340,000 ($540,000 USD) per year.

Surely commonsense, logic must tell you this would be well worth your investment.

Even if it 'cost' you initially (just picking a figure from thin air here) $30,000 plus royalties for the perfect sales letter, would not this very small investment very quickly pay for itself over and over again in a very short period of time?

Now, do you see my point?

I just find it rather odd to say the very least why an already very successful businessman would even consider asking for free advice from just about anyone on the forum which if implemented could potentially damage your bottom line profits so dramatically when at minimal risk you could take the other option (my advice given above) and explode your profits bloody sky high.

Yes? Agree?

Personally, I think the answer is absolutely obvious what would be the more sensible thing to do.

Kindest regards,

Mark Andrews

Thanks

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RickDuris

13 years ago

Will,

Don't mind you coming back at all for second helpings. Just means the last we cooked, you liked it.

- Rick Duris

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Hi Mark

I have always been very open about my business. So I have no problem revealing my stats for you. Yes, I do get 1.7 million visitors per year, but that is to the site, not to that letter. So your calculations are not accurate.

If you are interested, you can take a look at my stats here ...

Infomarketing Made Easy

They are completely accurate.

As you can see, I am not making a fortune. But I am making enough to have quit the day job.

With regard to your constant suggestion that I should employ a professional copywriter, I thought I had answered it - I am learning.

Will

PS I do hope this is not going to be a long night

Thanks
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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

Ah slight misunderstanding then...

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Your biggest problem which needs constant attention is driving huge amounts of highly targeted traffic (over 40's experiencing a mid-life crisis) to your offer page.

Originally Posted by Will Edwards

I get 1.7 million visitors per year to my site, so it's actually not a problem.

Btw... I really must teach you sometime the art of power napping. Sleep for 1 hour work for three. Works a treat.

It's almost 2am so get to bed - I'll still be going all night, all day, all night, all day ad infinitum lol.

Thanks for the extra info provided.

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Ah slight misunderstanding then...

Btw... I really must teach you sometime the art of power napping. Sleep for 1 hour work for three. Works a treat.

It's almost 2am so get to bed - I'll still be going all night, all day, all night, all day ad infinitum lol.

Thanks for the extra info provided.

Mark Andrews

Hey Mark - you know I quite like you.

I don't know why, but I am just in the mood for an all-nighter. Just about to go and get a coffee and carry on working. That's what working for yourself is like eh? Hard work, but fun too.

Good luck to you.

Will

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Steve The Copywriter 13 years ago

Hi Will,

I wouldn't ditch your main headline - as suggested in post 12.

Life Holds a Specific Purpose for You and the Most Important Thing You Can Do is ... Find it

Because it creates a burning curiosity with your target audience. It's exactly what you need to compel people to read on...

One of the best and most successful headlines of all time is -

"Thousands Have This Priceless Gift - But Never Discover It!"

It might be worth testing this one.

If you keep the first headline put it in inverted comma's - research proves it increases the readership by 30%.

Hope this helps,

Steve

P.S. I would also put more space in your body copy - it looks a bit condensed. Split the paragraphs into smaller chunks.

I'm guessing that a percentage of your audience are over 50 and may have trouble reading from a computer screen - so make it easy for them.
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- Will Edwards 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter
  
  One of the best and most successful headlines of all time is -
  
  "Thousands Have This Priceless Gift - But Never Discover It!"
  
  Steve - this was the spark of inspiration I needed!
  
  Thanks you for posting. I have reworked the page on a variation of this.
  
  I think it's much stronger now.
  
  Will
  
  Thanks
  
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WittyBlogger 13 years ago

Hi Will...

Do you read fiction?

You know... Those short books. The ones that scream adventure. Having you tear page over page in suspense. Your head pounding with the words, "more, more, MORE!"

Your copy is good.

But you don't keep your readers near the edge of their seats. Their eyes don't glaze. Their heads are ticking busy. They're thinking of how to escape...

...But you don't want them to escape.

Bitter medicine is great for the cold. It's good for them, as for you. So what do you do to bitter medicine?

*pauses*

Well, you add syrup to cough medicine. You make it tailored to their needs of better taste. It slides down their throat. Gulp.

The best copy read easy. You can't persuade a noisy crowd. But you *can* start with a silent crowd. Why? They have their attention on you!

Mark made a good point about your traffic. You don't want traffic that doesn't convert. You want traffic that buys, that refers and that has a long-term value! Conversions obviously increase that way.

But.

You're missing something.

It's a friend called rhythm. You're missing contrast. No surprise. No build up. No initial state. That's the reason why Before-After pics work that well.

- Wittyblogger
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JonMills

13 years ago

Missing " Curiosity " and that is just at a quick glance

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gjabiz

13 years ago

Will, the copy is OK for what it offers.

I don't think you need as much redo or changes as is being offered up.

So here is my FREELY given (by MY choice) opinion on your copy.

I believe it will increase instantly with ONE word change...but, before I tell what word to change...

I DON'T know what or why this sub-forum exists...take it at face value...it says where we discuss copywriting.

Critiques are a form of that discussion.

I'm quite capable of IGNORING threads or subjects which may irritate me to no end...however, when I choose to offer up an opinion or a critique, I don't intentionally TRY to be an ass about it...although, I too, can come off that way SOME times (don't try to make a living off of it, however).

OK. That being said, and without further ado...if you will test this change and nothing else, you will see an increase in sales...again, if the traffic has been targeted as I believe it to be.

In the headline, Change the word Life to Christ

And watch what happens.

gjabiz

PS. Here by choice to read, ignore, comment, critique, learn from or to annoy occasionally. And if anyone doesn't like, well, they know what they can do, eh Paul/Mark? Also Will and others...count to 10 and learn how to NOT take the bait

Originally Posted by Will Edwards

Hi Guys

I have just finished reworking the sales page for my main product and welcome some feedback from experienced copywriters ...

Your Heart's Desire

Thanks in advance.

Will

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by gjabiz

Will, the copy is OK for what it offers.

I don't think you need as much redo or changes as is being offered up.

So here is my FREELY given (by MY choice) opinion on your copy.

I believe it will increase instantly with ONE word change...but, before I tell what word to change...

I DON'T know what or why this sub-forum exists...take it at face value...it says where we discuss copywriting.

Critiques are a form of that discussion.

I'm quite capable of IGNORING threads or subjects which may irritate me to no end...however, when I choose to offer up an opinion or a critique, I don't intentionally TRY to be an ass about it...although, I too, can come off that way SOME times (don't try to make a living off of it, however).

OK. That being said, and without further ado...if you will test this change and nothing else, you will see an increase in sales...again, if the traffic has been targeted as I believe it to be.

In the headline, Change the word Life to Christ

And watch what happens.

gjabiz

PS. Here by choice to read, ignore, comment, critique, learn from or to annoy occasionally. And if anyone doesn't like, well, they know what they can do, eh Paul/Mark? Also Will and others...count to 10 and learn how to NOT take the bait

Wow - you have quite a way with words and your suggestion is fascinating.

Let me explain a little about the site. When I started White Dove Books, I decided that I would take an areligious stance. I wanted to start a personal development site that was focused around life purpose and did so without reference to religion.

However, when I started the blog, I felt that I could be free to discuss my own personal views (I do this only on the blog not the wider site) and that includes my views on all kinds of things including my personal beliefs.

What I noticed, over the years, is that I have attracted a Christian audience. Now, I have no idea how many of those 1.7 million visitors are Christian, but I know that when people write to me to thank me for what I do, they are often Christians. The same is true of the (so far 4) people I have personally mentored (for free, by the way, just to gain experience).

So a while back I was wondering if I should offer something more targeted to Christians and that led to me putting together The Bible Secret package. I was thinking that I would effectively have two commercial entry points into one (yet to be designed) back-end life coaching program.

Recently, I decided to test the bundling of The Bible Secret as a bonus with The Deepest Desire of Your Heart - that is the bonus on the present sales page. So, anyway, that was my thinking.

But your suggestion has really made me think and I am certainly prepared to give it a try. Perhaps that is what I should have been concentrating on. The free download The 7 Keys to Success speaks not about life having a purpose, but God having a purpose. So I will certainly test your suggestion. Thank you for making it.

Will

PS And, for the future, I will be learning how to count too

EDIT: I just read your report. You, sir, are a wonderful copywriter.

Thanks

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Ken Hoffman

13 years ago

The copy is boring. Their is no emotional build to it. It's more educational than actually selling. You need to edit the copy a LOT. Hone the message down to it's core.

Also, I don't see any USP. This letter could be used to sell any self-improvement course. It needs a USP that tells us why it's different and better than anything else.

You are trying to do too much. Pick ONE thing. Either on the free book to generate leads, or on selling the whole course. Not both. Otherwise it destroys momentum and confuses the prospect.

There is nothing at all compelling about the headline. I usually love to read sales letters on personal growth. It's a hobby of mine. This one just dragged on and lost focus many times.

P.S. I read a bit of your free book. The writing in that book is much, much, cleaner. Even if you keep the educational approach, if you rewrote it with the clarity and flow that you have in the book, I think you'd get much better response.

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Hoffman

The copy is boring. Their is no emotional build to it. It's more educational than actually selling. You need to edit the copy a LOT. Hone the message down to it's core.

I am conscious of needing to get more emotion into my sales copy. Actually, in part, that's why I recently added the Wonder Years story and the made the What Do You Want to Be? video.

Also, I don't see any USP. This letter could be used to sell any self-improvement course. It needs a USP that tells us why it's different and better than anything else.

It's there Ken

A previous commentator suggested I should move it closer to the beginning, but it is there.

You are trying to do too much. Pick ONE thing. Either on the free book to generate leads, or on selling the whole course. Not both. Otherwise it destroys momentum and confuses the prospect.

The free book is an original idea of mine. After a discussion in the main forum about the pros and cons of promoting CB products with an opt-in on the sales page, I wondered about how I could get a prospect back to the sales page without collecting their email address.

There is nothing at all compelling about the headline. I usually love to read sales letters on personal growth. It's a hobby of mine. This one just dragged on and lost focus many times.

Personally, I feel there is no loss of focus anywhere. Every word on that page is there for a purpose. But the headline is something I was specifically wondering about.

P.S. I read a bit of your free book. The writing in that book is much, much, cleaner. Even if you keep the educational approach, if you rewrote it with the clarity and flow that you have in the book, I think you'd get much better response.

Yes, I am very pleased with the free book. thank you.

Will

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Fred_Acker

13 years ago

Will, I know you asked; "welcome some feedback from experienced copywriters ..." and I'm not an experienced copywriter. However, I did take a look at your page to see what all the fuss was about and Ken was right....

It's boring.

Now, I don't mean to offend you in any way. But I was looking at your sales page as you called it and thought;

"This is gonna put me to sleep" - CLICK!!!!

I had a tough time getting past the second headline.

Like I said, I'm not here to offend, but that's a potential "customer"s point of view because I do spend a lot of money on personal development books, audios, videos and courses. I don't need to, I just love reading, listening to and seeing how others live their dreams.

Ok, that said, this is in no way a promotion. I do not know this woman. I do not have this product. I do not even know what the product is to be honest with you. But....

I do like her sales pitch.

And for those who say "it's not great copy" - well, she is a millionaire and according to what I've researched about her she knows her stuff pretty well.

So Will, take a look at this: Discover the Ultimate Breakthrough System in Making Dreams Come True!

You'll have to kill that recording when you first get there (scroll down on the left under her pic) but take a look at the way the words flow naturally and keep the readers attention.

Take a moment and count all the beni's you'd be getting if you ordered her product today.

I have no idea who wrote the copy on that page but it's good. And maybe you're not pushing the hard sell like she is but I do believe you would like to make a few bucks from your product.

Good luck my friend.

P.s. I completely forgot why I stopped in at the copywriting section

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Fred_Acker

Will, I know you asked; "welcome some feedback from experienced copywriters ..." and I'm not an experienced copywriter. However, I did take a look at your page to see what all the fuss was about and Ken was right....

Fred - I'd love to hear your views

It's boring.

OK - I may have been a little too hasty there

Now, I don't mean to offend you in any way. But I was looking at your sales page as you called it and thought;

"This is gonna put me to sleep" - CLICK!!!!

Perhaps, I need a new angle then. How about ...

Attention Insomniacs

Revolutionary new breakthrough in Sleep Therapy: Frustrated Copywriter Accidentally Stumbles Across Amazing Secret that Instantly Induces Sleep Even if you Can't Count a Single Sheep!

This startling new discovery is guaranteed to put you to sleep even if you deliberately set your mind on completing another simple task ... zzz zzz zzz ... snore ... zzz

I had a tough time getting past the second headline.

I could be on to a winner then?

Like I said, I'm not here to offend, but that's a potential "customer"s point of view because I do spend a lot of money on personal development books, audios, videos and courses. I don't need to, I just love reading, listening to and seeing how others live their dreams.

OK - I'll stop playing now. I hope you didn't mind my little joke

Ok, that said, this is in no way a promotion. I do not know this woman. I do not have this product. I do not even know what the product is to be honest with you. But....

I do like her sales pitch.

So, did you buy it or did you click away? Those were the choices she outlined in her intro.

And for those who say "it's not great copy" - well, she is a millionaire and according to what I've researched about her she knows her stuff pretty well.

I am not saying she isn't a millionaire, but how do you really know? There are dozens and dozens of millionaires right here in the WSO Forum ... apparently!

So Will, take a look at this: Discover the Ultimate Breakthrough System in Making Dreams Come True!

You'll have to kill that recording when you first get there (scroll down on the left under her pic) but take a look at the way the words flow naturally and keep the readers attention.

Actually, I decided to listen to the audio.

Take a moment and count all the beni's you'd be getting if you ordered her product today.

I have no idea who wrote the copy on that page but it's good. And maybe you're not pushing the hard sell like she is but I do believe you would like to make a few bucks from your product.

Pitches like that have a tendency to put me off, but I understand that we all have our preferences.

Good luck my friend.

Thank you - I do really appreciate your comments. I know I joked at the start, but perhaps you are right. Perhaps my copy is too boring. And you have also given me what I think is a great idea.

Best wishes,

Will

P.s. I completely forgot why I stopped in at the copywriting section

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Wytnyt

13 years ago

I'm not a pro, but here's my 2 cents.

I find the more hype you put into your copy makes it sounds scammy. Mostly because the product is a way to change your life through one's spirituality. Correct me if I'm wrong on that.

To make it sound better IMO, why not use a headline/subheadline that talks about changing my life and the lives of other people. (And how it could change yours).

Make it sound heartfelt, since your product is all about heart and changing lives. Words like ultimate, kick-ass, revolutionary, etc makes it sound like a product for the MMO niche.

Again, I could be dead wrong.

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Will Edwards

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Wytnyt

I'm not a pro, but here's my 2 cents.

I find the more hype you put into your copy makes it sounds scammy. Mostly because the product is a way to change your life through one's spirituality. Correct me if I'm wrong on that.

To make it sound better IMO, why not use a headline/subheadline that talks about changing my life and the lives of other people. (And how it could change yours).

Make it sound heartfelt, since your product is all about heart and changing lives. Words like ultimate, kick-ass, revolutionary, etc makes it sound like a product for the MMO niche.

Again, I could be dead wrong.

See, it shows you have a good nose for the subject. You make two good points, so let me deal with them:

1. Hypey Copy

As I said above in my previous reply, I don't like hypey copy either. But - and it's a big but - it does not really matter what you or I like. It is really a question of what works and what doesn't. That's why testing is the means by which the definitive answer can be found for your niche.

2. Congruence

You are spot on when you say that words like 'kick-ass' would be inappropriate for my audience. And you are also right that the typical over-hyped style of letter often found in the MMO niche would also be inappropriate.

Best wishes,

Will

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Fred_Acker

13 years ago

Will, I still can't remember why I stopped in here

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Will Edwards 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Fred_Acker

Will, I still can't remember why I stopped in here

Hey Fred

You stopped by here to help me out and you were also kind enough to send me your report so it underscored your motives.

I really do appreciate your time and your comments.

Will
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markpocock

13 years ago

Will

Your bullets need to be stronger. At the moment they look like
something a reader has seen before. Your reader ain't sat there
think WTF is the answer to that bullet.
So make the bullets more compelling.

Discover Your Unique Calling or Vocation
Stay On-Track to Achieve Your Mission
Lateral Thinking for Overcoming Obstacles
Getting from Theory to Making it Happen
Professional Tips & Exercises
Identify Your Most Important Activities
Complete System to Optimize Your Time
How to Ensure You Achieve Your Goals
How to Internalize the Habits of Success
And Much More ...

I'm not crazy about your headline. Does the reader
care about millions of others? Nope. Sure they want to
have an advantage over other people.

Also, I don't find the headline believable.

Plus the word "success" is an abstract. Ask 10 people what they
think of when you mention success is and you'll get 10 different answers

Your sub--headline

Have 3 sub benefits of the main benefit.

have fun

Mark

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