Critique for my first sales page. Thanks from a Newbie

"Whether you are looking for help to, STOP repossession, general repossession help, repossession advice or simply want a quick house sale, the team at House Repossession Help is here to help YOU." - To me this screams of disjointed keyword stuffing desperation....and I dont think google is going to appreciate it.

I also think your first section needs more emotional impact. You touch on the financial problems of some familes but you dont really make me FEEL it. Turn on the news, everyone's talking about the crappy housing market. What's going to tune me into what you're saying when Im already used to tuning out the same hum-drum "the housing market sucks" I hear everyday?

Maybe you write a very small story about a real or fictional person and HOW they ended up in financial difficulty? It could really resonate with people in the same situation. People in this situation have genuine fears.... "wtf am I going to do?" "Will I have to file bankruptcy?" "Will there be a foreclosure notice in the mailbox this month?" Actually...after reading the whole thing... you could use this spot for Ian's story and just expand it a little more. Make it emotional, make it hit home with people.

"House Repossession Help was set up purposely for helping people who are struggling with their property." - ew....redo this or cut it IMO.

"property professional" - I have no idea what this is and neither do your customers. What about "For over 20 years, Ian Jones has rescued thousands of families from financial disaster all over the world, and now, he can help you too." My thought process was that people dont really care about a "property professional" they care about what this Ian Jones guy can do for them to get them out of their current financial pickle.

Actually...I would put the part about Ian being in financial difficulty himself before his credentials... it shows more of a history and why he got into the property business.


Im probably the least experienced of the people that will respond to this but this is just my $0.02.... hope it helps.

GL
Rick

A big part of getting sales is professional, effective copy.

Hi Rick
Thankyou fo ryour time and input. I will definately take this on board and work your suggestions in.

Mark - Thanks for your honest opinion, I have taken it on board.
I wish you had elaborated a bit though rather than bagging it with no suggestions.

Regards
Ian

Hey Joner,


My advice would be to do the following


1.) Make it more emotive; house repossession is a serious and emotional time for people. Pull on them heartstrings and you'll reap tons more interest and leads.

2.) Your content is SEO packed. Copy's less about SEO and keyword optimising, and more about connecting with your audience, and practically grabbing their hand and making them click that buy button/ pick up the phone/ whatever.

These two things should help get that copy going in the right direction.


Ben.

First off Ian, your business model.

You know as well as I do here in the UK this industry isn't exactly looked upon in the most favourable light. It's almost on a par with loan sharks.

Personally, whichever way you position this business and try to present it in the best light possible - it's still in the eye's of many in the UK considered taking advantage of people in absolute desperate need.

Estate agents full stop, like used used car salesmen, are considered the most slimy, cunning, wily characters in the business world. Not just my personal opinion, this is a very widely accepted view in the United Kingdom. It's common knowledge. Accepted as widespread fact.

In some ways, I'm loathe to offering you much business advice which ultimately could benefit your bottom line just on the basis of the industry you're operating in.

Now your opening paragraph you stated...

"I have written a sales page for a new site I am putting together. I looked into getting it professionally done, but at this stage cannot justifiy it until the site is getting traffic and sales."

So let me get this straight and perfectly clear...

You buy houses from people in desperate need suffering the most horrendous emotional pain possible - the thought of losing their home for their family.

Everything they've worked so hard for - just about to be taken away from them.

And in you jump like a super-hero waving some ready cash right underneath these deperate people's noses but I'll bet my bloomin' bottom dollar... it's nowhere near full market price. Far from it.

To save their credit rating your offer is not only substantially below full market appraisal but bordering on taking the absolute mickey. Correct me if I'm wrong. You said you wanted it hard - here it is.

Regardless. You stated that at this stage you cannot justify employing the services of a copywriting professional until you get some traffic and sales coming in. This comment is most telling and I have to read naturally between the lines.

Here we have an average house valuation price in the UK at the lower end of the market somewhere close to probably between £150,000 - £200,000.

Not small change by any stretch of the imagination.

And everyone knows in the UK what the estate agents fee typically is for selling a home in this price band.

But you, you take advantage (hey, it's business) and get your hands on these properties for an absolute steal. Probably throw in a quick restoration / modernisation job, employing Polish builders paying them minimum wage and then sell the property at full marketprice.

Creaming off one hell of a good slice of profit from each house sold. Whatever.

Following on...

"...I looked into getting it professionally done, but at this stage cannot justifiy it until the site is getting traffic and sales."

So despite the above which is common knowledge you say you cannot justify employing a professional copywriter or a marketing consultant come to that to position your business effectively within the marketplace.

How very odd.

Either you're extremely naive or in way over your head. Given the amount of extraordinary profit to be gained in this industry, no self-respecting businessman in the UK would ever write such a comment. It just makes you look like a cheapskate or completely incompetent.

If you've been in this business for any length of time you're making hellishly good profits and we're not talking mickey mouse money here.

I suspect though you're just starting out, saw this as an ideal opportunity to jump on, make a quick quid or two, fast, easy money and thought hell yeah... I could easily do this myself.

Otherwise why haven't you got the cash for a professional copywriter / marketing consultant to position your business effectively?

Do you see my point? Only it's glaringly obvious to me Ian.

A little further down your OP you mention the keywords you want to target.

At this stage of your business I would have thought this was the least of your concerns.

What are you worrying about keyword selection choice for at this stage of your business? What has this got to do with copywriting? Nothing whatsoever. Very puzzling why you should feel the need to include this at this stage - if this is a new business you've got far more pressing matters on your mind than the blinkin' keywords you want to target with your sales page. Believe you me.

Which incidentally you never use in sales copy full stop. Period.

The second you introduce keywords into your sales copy you lose the exact purpose of your business approach from day one.

What do you want this site to do, rank well in the search engines or convert visitors into action takers? Use off-site SEO to get your offer out there. Don't ever use loads of keywords in your sales and marketing materials. It's a flawed strategy.

Regarding the actual sales copy itself the approach is quite terrible. It reads and looks very amateurish indeed. Talk about keyword stuffing. Blimey!

Every word you write...

Every sentence you use...

Every paragraph you construct is either going to attract or repel your target audience.

Anyone reading this, well, can you honestly sit there and tell me this looks close to professional? I mean come on - look at it!

Good grief man. I shake my hair in despair.

Whose interests do you really want to serve with your 'service'? Your selfish interests and bottom line or the poor desperate souls who have just lost their jobs, income and now face losing their home on top of everything else. Sure...

...you could make a hell of a lot of money from this niche, no denying it but how you position yourself in this market is a choice only you can make.

If you plan this business out to be completely fair everyone could benefit from this. Hmmm but I'm left wondering what your true intentions are. That comment above about justification? That really, really grinds on me. It say's so much. Probably more than you know. Or indeed are aware of.

Then you have this line...

"Whatever property problem you have we will have a solution to help, even if that means it's not through us. We are here to help and if our solution is not your best option, our team will be quick to point this out. We build our great reputation on an ethical honest service."

Massive red flag. So what are you, an affiliate to another company? Is this the real reason why you're not able at this stage to afford a professional copywriter / marketing consultant?

Is this the reason you don't want to risk your own cash?

Something about this is just so fishy it defies belief. The paragraph is a complete and utter contradiction in terms. Basically a load of hogwash.

Rogue Traders anyone? You're almost inviting them to check you out. You may as well send them an invitation through the post the way this is all positioned at the moment.

A little below another massive red flag...

"The founder Ian Jones has been a property professional for over 20 years and has been helping people both in the UK and Australia with their property problems.

About 10 years ago Ian was in a bit of financial difficulty, nothing major but the banks were not prepared to listen (does this sound familiar?)and he was told told he needed to vacate his home. The stress this put on him and his family was huge. "

Interpretation from a British perspective...

I've been a property professional for over 20 years but I still can't afford a marketing consultant. I have no traffic and no sales (see above).

So in business for 20 years eh? This takes us back well before the boom years. '97 - 2008 - you must have made millions in this industry. If you didn't, what the hell was wrong with you?

Yet... you can't afford comparatively speaking a tiny investment to catapult your company to new dizzying heights in this current repossession industry? Hmmmmm okkkkk. Something isn't adding up here. Far from it.

About 10 years ago you were in financial difficulty. Really? What?! In the estate agency business? How come?

Either you were exceedingly daft or blatantly screwed in the head if you couldn't make money in the estate agency business during this period.

The UK at this time was going through a massive, massive, MASSIVE explosion in property prices. Yet here you are, 20 years professional experience and during the very best times of all, money flowing freely in all directions - you were in financial difficulty? Come again? You what?

Doesn't make any sense at all. Either you were a property professional for 20 years or you wasn't.

Literally 10 years ago money was growing on trees here in the UK in the property business, as fast as one bought a property, gave it a quick makeover you could put it back on the market a few weeks later and receive several tens of thousands of pounds profit. Over and over and over again.

I should know, a kid I grew up with he's now a billionaire from this period operating in the same market. He made an absolute killing.

"He spent the next few years learning everything he could about property and finance, costing him thousands of pounds."

I thought you were broke?

Another contradiction.

"From there House Repossession Help was born and Ian and his team have been helping people like yourselves stop repossession or just offer a quick house sale ever since."

So you've been established how long? You've got a team (you say), you're paying them wages and a commission no doubt, yet still, no money to invest in the current positioning of your business?

This is looking worse and worse.

I mean it's not me painting this picture, it's you. Hence why copywriting (salesmanship-in-print) is so vitally important and worth every last cent.

"Why do I tell you Ian's story?

It is purely to let you know we understand exactly how you feel as we have been there. "

Don't write in the 3rd person. In copywriting, you'll be better off writing in the 2nd person. And again this is conveyed in a very amateurish manner. A team? Hmmmmm... I highly doubt it somehow but there we go.

The close with the direct call to action is as weak as gnats piss. About as useless as a bucketload of rusty guns.

I can't believe so much of your sales letter - from start to finish it's screaming at me that this is a right load of cobblers.

Well, there you have it Ian.


Mark Andrews

i think you should center on the (emotional) benefits.

In our copy, they are lost among of all the problems and features.

They already have the problems, what they want is a solution, FAST AND CHEAP.

BTW, the dirty little secret of copywriting is:

You'll do as good as a "pro" if you know how to test.
(even with 30 years experience, hahaha what a joke)

The only difference between you and them is your don't have their swipe file.

BUT you know your prospect, and if you test many ways of passing your message (what is your message, in one sentence?) you'll find out quite fast what's the best copy for your product.

So learn about AB testing... come up with many different types of copy/layouts, tweek the one that out-performs.

Wow
Been away for a couple of days and things have really heated up.

Firstly I'd like to thank the people who have offered advice on how I could improve the copy.

Secondly I guess I must apologize as I have obviously completely misunderstood what critique means. I was expecting people to pull my copy apart, but then to actually offer a bit of advice of how I could improve it not:

"Everything about the sales copy is screaming...

...run the other way as fast as you possibly can."

Mark Andrews

and then offer no input on how it could be improved or fundamental writting technique I have got completely wrong.

Mark you seem to have taken exceptional offence to the fact that I was not happy with your responce, but from my point of view you basically say it is crap (which I have no problem with), but then you offer NO advice as to why it is crap or what I could do to improve it, again I didn't really have a problem with this either.
It was when you started slating Rick for the advice that he kindly offered, where you had offered none, that I took offence to. Seems I was not the only person that took offense to this from the couple of PM I received from people telling me not to waste my energy on people like you.

You then went on to send me a PM slagging Rick off even more saying things like "he is wet behind the ears and I shouldn't trust him", but basically how good you are. This I took great offense to, and find it so unprofessional I still can't believe it.

As for your critique on my business model (I'm still waiting for one on my sales copy BTW), you have no idea about my business model or my integrity so please don't judge what you clearly have no idea about.

Yes your dame right I buy properties below market value, I'd be an idiot not to, but I have purchased many properties above market value from people who were in negative equity and going to go bankrupt and loose their business. These people certainly don't see me a shark as you put it, or taking advantage of them. Property investing is about the deal not necessarily the price. And if your wondering, I use options to be able to buy above market value, but I presume you know all about options as you are such a property expert as well.


Anyway I'm not going to go backwards and forwards any more and waste my energy on negative messages.
It's quite obvious you have no idea about the property business, or onpage SEO and I'm yet to see what you actually know about copywritting.

Well Mark, I guess we won't be working together any time soon, but I wish you well in your business, and if I may offer one bit of advice to you. I cannot judge on your copywritting skill, but I'm sure you may be very good, but if you came across a little less arrogant then maybe people may not take you the wrong way.

Well, I haven't really read the comments above...

...so if anything I'm about to say is redundant, my apologies.

I also didn't read all of your copy.

You're trying to cover too many subjects that should be tackled separated in one piece.

I also think you've failed to even vaguely hit upon the emotions people feel when their house is in jeopardy.

I've actually done a lot of home loan modification and foreclosure writing for companies here in the states.

And people who are in these scary situations - where they could potentially lose their home, especially if they're under water with the payments and have no equity...

...don't understand or have any real awareness about their rights.

For instance...

Here in the states, the actual note for the people's homes get bought and sold so many times that the banks have no idea where the original deeds are.

And it might be different in the U.K., but when banks don't have the original note, they cant foreclose. People fight the banks from this perspective all the time... And win.

Even better...

All people have to do is ask the bank for their original note...

...and if the banks says, "we don't have it", then the rules dramatically change.

My point is...

Help empower people understand that losing their homes isn't black and white.

Whatever the Catch 22's are in your country, use them as marketing fodder and trigger people's HUGE desire to believe everything really can be okay...

Mark Pescetti

P.S. I had to write this VERY quickly. Sorry for any mistakes.

Joner.

First off, I'm not here to attack you. And I've not read all the comments - yet. So if this hurts that is not the intention.

Anyhow, this sounds very much like the questionable credit repair and identity theft repair scams of the past. Those old scams preyed on the desperate and ignorant.

There's a saying here in the states, 'Once burned twice shy.' Your visitors will abandon the page because the letter comes across as someone trying to take advantage of people who are already down and out.

Some constructive points:

- If you plan to use a story, then feature the story early. And really make the reader feel the pain right along with your protagonist/victim. You want the reader to say, 'that is my exact situation!'.

- Or you could try a first person, charismatic voice throughout the piece. Depending upon market sensitivity of course. However you choose to go you must make this less scammy sounding.

Yes, you should continue to address home owner frustrations. But keep the message low key and professional enough that your message sounds like a legitimate financial institution might be delivering the message. Not a former credit repair scammer.


'House Repossession Help' is a horrible headline.

Use a headline that immediately grabs readers in this situation. Something like...

"STOP REPOSSESSION NOW!"

"The 5 Biggest Mistakes Most Homeowners Make
When Facing Foreclosure"

Your opening sentence is bad too. Your opening needs to tie to your headline. And it must lead your reader into the rest of your copy. Sugarman refers to it as a slippery slide.

In the current financial market [where's the proof???] many people [who are these people??? How many of them are there? Your readers don't care about 'other people'. They care about themselves] are struggling with their property, either paying the mortgage or simply trying to sell their property.

This has been shown by the media [really? where's the proof?]

Does this sound familiar to your situation? [badly worded. This yes/no question is bad]

If so let us help you with your property problem! [I feel a scam coming on...]

Don't waste any more time worrying, or putting off taking action, problems DO NOT go away by themselves. [sentence is too long. Too many commas. And is weak]

Fill in the form on the right hand side of the screen, and someone [who??? Dracula? A con artist? Who the heck is this 'someone'???? At the very least, if you are hell bent on trying to sell cold, then use a title like 'One of our property assessments agents' or some other confidence building title. Not just 'someone'.]

...contact with you for an informal friendly chat. [yeah right. sales pitch and verbal arm twisting is about to take place or you are gonna get my address and show up to my door and pester me. That is the thought that is triggered by your wording here.]

Also, you are attempting to immediately sell visitors, complete strangers on taking action. To contact you. A BIG MISTAKE. They don't know you from Adam. They don't yet trust you. So, they won't listen to you.

The correct lead generating approach is being of service to your visitors--first and foremost. Being their white knight in shining armor --if in fact that is what you are-- by providing something of value to them right now. Not a printed sales pitch to immediately stand in line for a possible verbal sales pitch.

Also, you are trying to sell too many services in one sales message. A big no-no.

This is actually a bad letter. Don't use it. Either hire a copywriter or if you are firm about DIY, then at least study copywriting. There have got to be a ton of repossession swipes available in this market climate(?). Or not.

Joner,
Would you be able to get real testimonials from people you've already helped in the past with your service? Even if you are completely on the up and up, and im sure you are, we've discovered just in this thread alone an objection your customer base will have... that some of your readers WILL have a trust issue with this kind of service, justified or not....doesn't matter. Having some real life stories, stuff that really captures how bad of a situation these people you've helped were in and how much of a relief your service gave them would go a long way IMO.

I think your service is going to be a hard sell but the potential for some big money seems to be there. Its really up to you to determine how many hats you can wear with this thing and still tap into the business' potential as much as possible. If I were in your shoes, I'd honestly wait to launch this "officially" and get some startup cash to really do it right by hiring a couple people to make it perfect.

just my $0.02
Rick

Hi Guys
Thanks very much for your time and honest feedback, this is exactly the wakeup call I needed, as I thought my copy was probably not very good, but had no idea it was so bad. Looking at it again I think I have totally written it from my point of view without any REAL thought of the viewer, or how it would come across to them i.e. scammy.

By the sounds of it I think I really need to get it written professionally or be prepared to spend years like you guys learning this skill. Though I will definately be learning more about copywritting, I will stick to using pro's for now.

Mark - Regarding your forclosure question about the legalities in the UK, it does sound very different here.
I have actually been living and investing in Australia for 10 years and only been back in the UK for 12 months. In that time I have spent a lot of time and money educating myself about the UK market as it is VERY different to the Oz market (they have dodged the GFC big time).
From what I am being informed here by other investors actually using the repossession strategy (I have mainly dealt with option stratagies previously) is that the banks/courts are very quick to forclose on properties.
I've one investor friend who actually attended court with a vendor to help stop repossession by personally purchasing the property at an agreed price far higher than the outstanding loan amount owed only for courts to decide they were not interested and gave repossession order there and then. Leaving the vendor homeless in 7 days.
There dosn't seem to be any problem here with title deeds going amis giving vendor hope to fight.
Some lendors are actually starting up letting the repossessed properties rather than normal sale through auction, as rental market here is very strong. Seems to be a very lucrative business for them.

I know there are a lot of unethical property investors out there, as I'm sure there are unethical people in any business copywritting included. I am not one of them. My intention has always been to do 50/50 profit splits with vendors as I have done with my option deals in the past, this way everyone is happy and I sleep at night , but I don't how to put this across in copy without sounding even more scammy.

Well thanks again all for your vauable advice, and no need to appologize for ripping it apart, this is exacly what I asked for and wanted.

Regards
Joner

Dude. What you just wrote is in an honest, sincere voice. Write like that [albeit in a structured format] and your copy will work much better than your proposed sales letter. Or as you said, hire someone.

What about something like the below as a head line, could be a start
" Discover the little known secret to beating reposession and keeping cash in your pocket that evil bankers are praying you don't learn"

Cheers

You say you've got a Dan Kennedy book. I'm assuming it's The Ultimate Sales Letter.

Turn to pages 137, 138 and 139, and try to model your ad along those lines.

If you have a British edition and the page numbers are different, it's "Exhibit 23" 24 & 25.

--- Ross