Please critique my sales letter

12 years ago

Howdy Ivan.

Good first attempt. Congrats on initial sales. As you probably are aware, though, the piece needs work. You can get stronger conversions with several serious tweaks.

"Create a powerfull new confidence with women in only 20 minutes" - Your headline is a bit of a turnoff. It sounds like work. And the sentence is grammatically incorrect.

A few alternative ideas:

'Master seduction hypnotist finally reveals 'back door' confidence secrets...

Who Else Wants To Discover/Uncover/Learn One Of The World's Most Powerful Subconscious Seduction Techniques That Will Immediately blah blah blah...'

'You Are About To Uncover One Of The World's Most Powerful Subconscious Seduction Techniques That Will Immediately blah blah blah...'

These are a couple of stronger headlines. They talk to your reader's interest. Obviously I know nothing of the actual product. Sounds like you are selling self hypnosis for building confidence. If so, then the sample headlines and prehead need to be tweaked accordingly.

What's wrong with your initial headline and deck copy? Well, no one wants to spend 20 minutes crashing and burning trying to pick up women. They want instant results. And they want it seemingly magically -- without effort. That is what you need to sell.

Yes, I understand your buyers are only spending that time listening to audios. But the headline wording sounds as if buyers are going to spend a frustrating 20 minutes face time with a potential suitor. A situation that could bring embarrassment if goes wrong.

"Use the power of " might work in a book title but not as well in a sales letter.

'Hey friend' is bad lead. Overly informal language is a turn off when you are speaking to a new contact for the first time. Dear frustrated such-and-such, or dear friend, or no salutation at all would probably be stronger then 'Hey...'.

Your existing headline and deck copy both mention confidence. But the word does not officially reappear until the sixth paragraph. Your headline and opening words must be linked together. Otherwise there is a disconnect.

The opening paragraph is too long. You need a slippery slide, a way to move your reader from headline, deck copy, opening lines, right into your sales message.

You should not open with 'are you tired of...?' Instead ask if certain specific scenarios sound familiar, as bullet points.

Third paragraph you say, 'Luckily I have come to help you!'

So what your readers will ask! Who are you to be bragging like this? This does not work. After this you ask another question: 'Let me ask you a question. Have you ever felt so...' You should be selling, not asking more questions. You should move right to explaining wiifm.

'Now I’ll be honest with you, there will be some work required on your end. I’m not saying that it is going to be as easy for you as listening to just one audio and women will fall into your lap. Meeting women needs action and persistence. '

This can be reworded to say the same but lessen the blow. Anything that smacks of work is a turnoff. Make it sound simple. Easy.

Also, it seems to contradict what you said earlier: 'And the best part is that you only need 20 minutes a day! You don’t have to learn complicated routines, lines, body language techniques, or any of that complex stuff. You just listen to a track, with one click of a button and that’s it. ' A congruence problem.

I'm in USA. Powerfull is spelled powerful. Not sure if is different in Germany(?).

These are just a few items. This letter needs a lot of work. Hire a copywriter or two to rewrite it for you.

I hope this helps.

Thanks
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DrLegend

12 years ago

Hi,

THANKS for the detailed reply. I really appreciate it! And of course the reason I came here was to learn and improve my copy writing skills! You reply has already given me lots of clues about how I can change the letter for the better.

One thing that bothers me a bit, is that I hate to "deceive" the customer by saying that he will change his life in an instant by using my product (becuause there is no product on the planet that does it). My goal is to maximize the sales, while minimizing the buyers remorse after he has bought the product and saw that his life hasn't changes after 20 minutes. This is something that I've been thinking about for a while and I'm still not sure how to bypass this issue (except for educating the reader, which is usually a long process).

Thanks
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WittyBlogger 12 years ago

"Get Hit On All The Time (Your Friend Will Be Really Annoyed)"

"What Women Crave When You Approach Them (Besides Giggles And Gossip)"

"Hot Girl In The Room?
This seduction trick will hook her eyes on you"

"Her #1 Male Fantasy. No man has had the guts to try this on her.
But she goes nuts when you do."

"How To SIZZLE The Approach.
Naughty (but easy) technique to use on your special woman"

"The Quirky NEW APPROACH TECHNIQUE Men Swear By"

"Get Her or Bolt.
What to do and say when you meet her."

"Listen Your Way To A SEX GOD.
She Won't Know Why She All Over You!"

Just some blind headlines you can probably use.

Your copy can be improved a lot, despite the - well - sales. Maybe you can frame it as a "mental whisper" or "mental programming" instead of a "subconscious suggestion".

You don't have enough proof in your copy. Prospects are left hanging - so, this suggestion thing, does it really work? Or is it BS?

Research also has shown that providing a picture of some CDs can improve your conversion rate. People want to feel like they're purchasing something tangible.

You need subheadlines.

Also, I think the testimonial from Mark, Toronto is a good one. You should place it further up for more readership.

Your PS is too damn long. So is your body copy. Split em up.

Well, for $19.95, it's not a bad attempt.

-wittyblogger
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WittyBlogger

12 years ago

Originally Posted by DrLegend

One thing that bothers me a bit, is that I hate to "deceive" the customer by saying that he will change his life in an instant by using my product (becuause there is no product on the planet that does it). My goal is to maximize the sales, while minimizing the buyers remorse after he has bought the product and saw that his life hasn't changes after 20 minutes. This is something that I've been thinking about for a while and I'm still not sure how to bypass this issue (except for educating the reader, which is usually a long process).

Hey DrLegend,

Who said honesty can't sell? The polar opposite of being a cocky asshole can draw in wonders. Take a look at this thread by RickDuris (http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...copy-work.html).

People like genuine people. Everyone appreciates candor and honesty.

Well, yes. Selling dreams can get people to snap on the buy button. It's just the way people hype things up.

But candor can actually decrease buyer's remorse, resulting in lower refunds. (though I wouldn't worry about refund rates in your case.)

-wittyblogger

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DrLegend

12 years ago

Thanks! I REALLY appreciate the help. I'm glad to be part of this forum. Actually, I'm really thinking about writing a super honest letter, as opposed of this "solve all your problems in 20 min." thing. I'll post my new version here.

Thanks
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DrLegend

12 years ago

By the way, what do you guys think about the audio sample that I included (and about the idea of including it)?

Thanks
1 reply

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WittyBlogger

12 years ago

Originally Posted by DrLegend

By the way, what do you guys think about the audio sample that I included (and about the idea of including it)?

Well, I do hope my advice will be implemented because i don't plan on giving fruitless advice - what a blinking waste of time.

I'm not sure about the sample (frankly). The best way to ever know is to test it with and without the audio sample.

But the main thing about your copy isn't the sample. It's how you frame the offer, how you support it with proof, how you stack reason with reason, how you build emotions and finally how you close the sale.

Please do the changes as advised... I mean, if you don't change anything, maybe I shouldn't comment. :p

-wittyblogger

Thanks
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DrLegend

12 years ago

Thanks Mr. Witty.

I already implemented some changes you suggested. I was just very tired yesterday and decided to take a break from all this.

I'm gonna order a CD cover from fiverr.com - you're right this is a good suggestion.

I'll get back here as soon as I have the newest version

Thanks
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DrLegend

12 years ago

Ok, here's the new version. I still need to include the graphic, which is being made for me now.

Hypnosis | Masculine Freedom | Masculine Freedom

Still not sure if I should leave all the explanations about what confidence is or not. What do you think?

btw. WittyBlogger, thanks for the awesome headline ideas!

Ivan

Thanks
2 replies

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valuecreator 12 years ago

first impression is where the money is.

my first impression was that this page was going to take quite a bit of work from me. That's to "listen my way to a woman magnet".

I didn't wake up this morning thinking: wow, I really need to listen so I can become a woman magnet.

I doubt many did. I did wake up thinking "I need to get laid today", and i'm pretty sure many men did. know what i mean?

so my suggestion: Put a picture of a girl with red lipstick under a different headline promising an idiot-proof benefit. test it before knocking it.

remember: Sell them what they want, give them what they need...

ps. now that i think of it, a picture of you with a girl would probably be even better!
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WittyBlogger

12 years ago

Originally Posted by DrLegend

Ok, here's the new version. I still need to include the graphic, which is being made for me now.

Hypnosis | Masculine Freedom | Masculine Freedom

Still not sure if I should leave all the explanations about what confidence is or not. What do you think?

btw. WittyBlogger, thanks for the awesome headline ideas!

Ivan

Hmm... that particular blind headline was powerful only because of the emotionally charged power-word "SEX". It drives the mind wild with mental pictures and emotions.

Now that it's gone, the "Woman Magnet" thing sounds a little off-peak. Also, place the heading inside Inverted Commas, just as I've done. You could try doing this to the sub-headline:

... She Won't Know Why She's All Over You!

Your headline font isn't the best choice. For example, your subheadline should be in serif font, because it's far easier to read onscreen. Try a font like Helvetica BOLD, or use cufon cufon-canvas to get a font like Myriad Pro.

Code:

If you know CSS, try something like this:
font-family: "Myriad Pro", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;

or learn how to use Cufon: https://github.com/sorccu/cufon/wiki/about

or WP Plugin: http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/wp-cufon

But since you use OptimizePress, I think it should be already integrated. Try using "Myriad Pro" in the optimizepress settings?

You need a pre-heading to sell the main headline too.

Try to break the headline into 2 sentences as well - it helps with eye gravity. For example, if you're using the original...

[Pre-heading]...

"Listen Your Way To A
SEX MAGNET"
...She Won't Know Why
She's All Over You!

I'm not really a copy designer of this aspect so I'm not technically sure what is very optimal for conversions in terms of the headline design for this matter.

Your first sentence, "Have you ever experienced the following when wanting to meet women" doesn't read easy. It should be sweet and simple to read. Try reading it out loud. You don't want speed bumps.

Your paragraphs and PS are still one big chunk of text.

The rest of the copy still needs work. (Why in the world are the paragraphs centralized?) You can't stack your proof and reasons properly... If you need to get this solved fast, you need to hire a copywriter. There are a lot of good copywriters in the WF.

-wittyblogger

Thanks
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apim 12 years ago

The advice you've received to date is great, but I also can tell you have a "feel" that you really don't want to lose.

With that said though, the copy seems very "stiff" I would be thinking you should get a whole lot more conversational.

This sub-headline in the copy specifically really doesn't make sense, I had to read it three times to understand it:

"Women will be so drawn to you, that they won't be able control their attraction and inevitably will to be all over you"

You've gotta remember you're in a competitive niche, so you need to really tone up your copy to get some results. If you look at something like whyhelies . com you'll see a great example of how his "converses" with the female audience, something similar for the male would work well.

I agree with the initial headline take out "sex" and it's really quite a poor headline.

Also from a design point of view you've got way too much centered text, try to keep this minimal so you're using it to emphasise
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- 1 reply
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- DrLegend 12 years ago
  
  thanks a lot for the feedback! Yeah, I notice that my mathematical brain is always in the way. I keep making up complicated sentences, boring statements and logical rather than emotional explanations.
  
  I'm gonna apply your advice and bring it to a better state (as hiring a copywriter would be outside of my budget at this very moment).
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Jonathan 2.0 Banned 12 years ago
  
  Here's a different headline worth testing.
  
  Here's The Secret, "Unconscious" Reason
  You're Afraid To Approach Women ...
  Why You're Not Having Success ... And ...
  What To Do About It¾
  (While You Still Have Time!)
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
  
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  Jonathan 2.0 Banned 12 years ago
  
  Then
  - Limiting/Unconscious Belief #1
  
  "Unconsciously, You Don't
  Believe You Can Get Hot
  Women"
  
  * Just an example. Also consider explaining why men are afraid of approaching women.
  
  (What happens. The reality. And what to do about it)
  
  ...
  
  - Limiting/Unconscious Belief #2
  (What happens. The reality. And what to do about it)
  
  - Limiting/Unconscious Belief #3
  (What happens. The reality. And what to do about it)
  
  * The most common ones your prospects experience.
  
  Then, "How My Product Will Help You Solve These Problems" (And then more benefits of them listening to your CD.)
  
  Note:
  My headline and this guide is only a 10 minute brainstorm. I'm happy to add more if you think some of it will be useful.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
  
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ewenmack 12 years ago

Originally Posted by DrLegend

(except for educating the reader, which is usually a long process).

Don't go there...PLEASE!

More money has been lost in the advertising world by the mistaken
belief that people need educating, than anything else.

Bypass that time and money hole by connecting what you
have with what they already want.

Younger guys want to get layed while older guys want a women as a keeper.

So for a younger guy, appeal to his dominant want,
a headline like this connects to it...

----------------------------------------------
Plain Guy Beds Models With Weird Listening Trick
----------------------------------------------

There's nothing unbelievable about it,
it wipes out the " only good looking guys get models "
objection, and young guys like tricks.

Best,
Ewen
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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JoeMartin 12 years ago

To all men who want to get hot women
Listen Your Way To A
SEX MAGNET
She Won't Know Why She's All Over You!

I would change it to look like that. WittyBlogger had a point. It draws the eyes to sex magnet which are your strongest words.
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- Jonathan 2.0 Banned 12 years ago
  
  Hey DrLegend.
  
  Have you had time to test my headline and approach yet? I'm 99% certain you will get more readership. And, more readership = more sales. : ) (Generally speaking.)
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
  
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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

You're not HITTING the emotion that men dealing with rejection FEEL.

It's not just about lacking confidence...

...it's more about the affects of NOT having confidence.

Some men believe they aren't good looking enough to be worthy of an attractive woman.

Others might feel like they don't make enough money or really have anything to offer that sets them apart from other prowling men.

If you spell out what the consequences and circumstances are for NOT having confidence, you'll reach your target audience at a much deeper level.

Also...

Since you're not asking men to confront their limiting beliefs about lacking confidence, you should really play up the angle about how hypnosis is a no-brainer.

Sell the effortless nature of feeling completely transformed, as a man, and ready to go out and have all the sexual experiences they've fantasized about for so long.

The bottom line is...

Your copy isn't bad.

It just fails to emotionally engage men enough to make them believe you have the solution...

...which in part is due to not animating (or agitating) the problem nearly enough and stimulating all the circumstances your readers are experiencing over and over again.

Mark Pescetti

P.S. You should add more branding verbiage in there. Set yourself apart from other "become a babe magnet" type products out there.

Thanks

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adeelv

12 years ago

Hmmm not sure who your target audience is. One thing immediatly missing from the first few words and line is proof of concept. Something along the lines of "X%" or "X # of men have found this so easy and effective that they have seen results in X tries/weeks .." or your own personal backing.

Thanks

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Cool Hand Luke

12 years ago

Ummmm...wow guys, someone really should have pointed this out by now:

Your main headline, "Listen your way to a sex magnet" is not only grammatically incorrect, but the reader will have no idea what you're actually talking about. Really. That NEEDS to be changed more than anything else.

Also, there are a lot of errors on your page like this gem: “Women will be uncontrollably be drawn to you”.

Read that out loud and you'll see what's wrong with it. I would highly suggest you have someone who is a skilled native English speaker go over the entire sales letter and correct these kinds of issues.

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copyassassin

12 years ago

Originally Posted by DrLegend

Would you please be so kind to take a look and give me your opinions?

Hypnosis | Masculine Freedom | Masculine Freedom

Thanks!

Ivan

DrLegend,

Since you must get so much action you can barely walk a straight line, I'm betting you'll take no real meaningful offense to my honest opinion of your sales letter.

Seriously, with as much confidence as you must have shagging smoking hotties all day long, you'll take this kick in the balls without a wince:

It SUCKS!

Your sales page is somewhere between "horrible" and "awful" (and here's why).

You lack focus.

You're "spraying" when you should be shooting at a target.

For example, what is the specific issue you want to address?

Killer Opening lines to start a conversion?
How to build rapport?
How to get her to ask you questions?
How to avoid getting c--k blocked from her friends?
How to get her phone (the real one?)
How to transition from the club to the sack, lick-it-tee splat?

Also, where is the location of hunting taking place:

A Bar?
A Club?
A coffee shop?
A Rave?

These things really matter!...

...because most guys already know the exact area they suck.

So here are some extremely useful tips that'll get clients to open up their wallets to you, so they can open up something else:

You need a killer opt-in form to figure out what your "stud in training" is having a hard time at. Then, you can put that person in an autoresponder series that coraltes that issue AND takes them to a sales page that highlight the specific problem your stud is having.

Go buy Landing Page Video « « Survey Funnel Survey Funnel. Not an affliate link.

Next...

... you need a headline that match the issue your stud is having. So, for example, if your stub can't open a conversion, you'll have:

The Shockingly Simple One Line Opener
9+'s Respond To 82.36% Of The Time

You too will be able to start an engaging conversion with 9+'s with these proven, simple, and effective opening techinuqees

Then you need a story to go with these theme.

Of course, you'll need testimonials. Lots of them! I'd put them on a sidebar right with PICTURES of your studs with hotties they've nailed.

So extra special bonus points, at location to the mix:

The Shockingly Simple One Liners Opener
9+'s Respond To 82.36% At Raves

[COLOR="Blue"]This simple one liner is most powerful than the base beat of a 5000 watt amp/COLOR]

Now, you're going to need a "reason why" your stuff works. Because let's face it, the guyers you're going after think they are losers and don't deserve a bang smokin hotties (just the ugly leftovers).

You need a craft a STRONG story about a guy that always thought he was a loser, then something happened to him, and then he started testing one liners till he got THE ONE.

And more importantly, that this formula works for other men with the same problem.

Also, the "mysterious" out. LIKE NOW. You're job is to reveal the science behind the magic.

Also, you don't build your credibility here. How are you and wants makes you special? The answer doesn't need to be fireworks, but you gotta show you've got the goods.

And lastly (although I have many more insights to reveal), the guys you're targeting, they aren't really looking to "get laid". Nope. They are lonley guys looking for a connection with someone else.

I think you'd really "clean-up" if you gave the last insight some real thought.

People want connection.

You're job to reveal the "how to".

And if they nail a hottie in the process, well, that's cream on top of the cherry pie

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Mr. Subtle 12 years ago
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Please critique my sales letter

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