Please poke 3 HOLES in my copy

12 years ago

Kosta,

first post of the day. Let's begin.

Allow me to start the ****storm that is set to happen (we're ruthless here - watch out for Mal - he'll eat your heart and your kids.)

Your copy is BORING. Hate to say it man, but it is. Your sentences are too long - it's something I've heard a million times before.

There's no offer there - where is the reason for your prospects to choose you over your competitors. Even if that means marking your price up and then offering a 'discount' (which is actually your original price), it still gives them an incentive to choose you.

You're offering features of your work, not the benefits of that work. What will your prospect get out of your web design services? (And don't say a website...:p) You've got to show your prospect exactly how he's going to benefit from hiring you.

It seems these days any old guy can put together a website. Check out this (from the UK, where I'm based): Business website needed? Create a small business website with 1&1

Anyone can grab that, throw a website together, job's done.

What makes hiring you any better, easier, funner than that? What can you bring that they can't? You might now say "Ben, I can do ANYTHING! Those websites are all generic - I can add customised functions!"

That's GREAT! But don't tell me, tell your prospects! Tell them how awesome you are - but not by self-promoting...by telling them what your skillset can do for THEM!

That's all prospects really care about - they don't care how long you've been doing it, or who you've worked for - only if it means it benefits THEM. Put some testimonials up to show how skilled you are (don't just say you have some, but actually show people - make it as EASY as possible for your prospect to hire you).

To sum this beast of a post up, do these things:

- Make it interesting. Vary sentence length. Less about you, more about your prospects.

-Make the ad focus on BENEFITS, not features. Tell your prospect what you can do for them, and HOW it will benefit them! Don't just tell them you can make them a website - tell them how it'll be better than anything they've ever seen before!

-Add some testimonials in. Make it as easy as possible for your prospect to say YES to you.

Do these few things, and your advert will take a huge leap in response. Remember one golden rule: Interest them in any way possible - shock them, excite them, make them laugh; anything but BORE them.

Best of luck with it - PM me or reply here once you've done these things, and I'll have another look.

Ben.

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

50% converting squeeze pages, 12% converting WSO's, and more...
BenPalmerWilson Copywriting

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6212186].message }}

Wytnyt

12 years ago

Your first paragraph is just one sentence.

It also sounds like something you'd hear on the news.

Lesser words. Simpler words.

People won't hire you because you're a graphic designer.

They'll hire you because they have a problem, and your graphic design skills can fix that problem. Make your ad sound like that.

Their problems could be pathetic conversion rates, due to ugly web design.

Paying hundreds of dollars to bring targeted traffic to their websites, but none of them convert because their web design looks like an ugly sample template.

Invested countless hours writing top-notch content... no conversion... no sales...

You get the idea.

Talk about the top problems of your "ideal prospect" and then go on about how you can take care of those problems. It would help if you had testimonials from your past satisfied clients.

Talk about how generic designs would kill their business, and that just having a beautiful web design that wouldn't really match their brand image would only make matters worse.

Then tell them how you invest time interviewing your clients, and digging deep into what their image really is, so you can create something that matches their voice, style, brand, image, etc...

You can also talk about the top 5 mistakes online businesses make with their graphic design.

Lots of things can be done for your ad.

Good luck.

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6212998].message }}

thewordwright

12 years ago

I agree with Ben. Completely. Just want to add the following:
1. Grab their attention early, as early as the very first sentence if you can. Compel them to read all.
2. You know who your target audience is. Before putting pen to paper, get inside their minds, view the world through their eyes, understand their challenges and remember that people buy (mostly) either to gain or to alleviate / avoid pain.
3. Leverage on this. See Ben's benefit statement.
Try again

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6213029].message }}

travlinguy

12 years ago

You're trying to write prose rather than sales copy. Your first sentence/paragraph is 53 words and it appears to be a very strained effort that allows you to use the blue bunny thing. It ain't working.

As mentioned, get directly to the point. You do Web design and video. Okay. Sit down and write out the benefits for people who might hire you. What will that "special something" you put into your design do for your client? How does what you do benefit them? Do the same for video. And you don't have to be so specific about your service when you talk about the benefits of video. That's because video speaks for itself. That's because there are lots of facts and figures you can use to show people how well done video can get them what they want. What do they want? More customers, more money, more subscribers.

Always keep in mind what your visitors want and speak to that as you write. One thing you have in your favor is that there are literally millions of Web design sites out there who have this all down perfectly. Go look at them to get ideas and then put those ideas in your own words. Good luck.

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6213375].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Kosta, in one Aussie word - CROOK. You're trying too hard. Too hard with your blue bunny in a snow storm BS. In real life you're probably as funny as a hat full of assholes but this isn't the time to be exercising your comedy schtick. This line had me LOLing but its WRONG -

Right now I am looking to work with upstarts

I think you mean "startups". Upstarts are a whole other kettle of fish - bit like the tyros here masquerading as copywriters - guys who have been in the game five minutes and think its cool to be giving advice. Face palm. I wish you guys would cut it out - its starting to get out of control. "Fake it 'til you make it" is one thing but thats liable to get you in a whole lot of merde around here. You hear me? Don't make me "name and shame". You're in the same boat as a certain somebody who describes himself as a "top copywriter" and yet there he is - bashing out god-awful $97 copy.

Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6214177].message }}

videolover7 12 years ago

Please poke 3 HOLES in my copy

On a positive note, good going with the title of this thread. You used specifics and differentiated yourself from all the other critique requests posted here.

VL
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6214718].message }}

KostaKondra

12 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Kosta, in one Aussie word - CROOK. You're trying too hard. Too hard with your blue bunny in a snow storm BS. In real life you're probably as funny as a hat full of assholes but this isn't the time to be exercising your comedy schtick. This line had me LOLing but its WRONG - I think you mean "startups". Upstarts are a whole other kettle of fish - bit like the tyros here masquerading as copywriters - guys who have been in the game five minutes and think its cool to be giving advice. Face palm. I wish you guys would cut it out - its starting to get out of control. "Fake it 'til you make it" is one thing but thats liable to get you in a whole lot of merde around here. You hear me? Don't make me "name and shame". You're in the same boat as a certain somebody who describes himself as a "top copywriter" and yet there he is - bashing out god-awful $97 copy.

I was going to come in and thank everyone for providing their feedback but I just wanted to quickly go over The Nazi's criticism:

1) You're trying too hard
- Yes, I am trying my best.

2) Not finding my joke funny.
- I agree, as following the rule though it made you feel a reaction, and I respect anyone who tries something different instead of those standard Gumtree ads. The point that I'm making is that I personally thought it was pretty funny, but I agree it may have been inappropriate, but I think it was different and interesting. Which was following the advice of not being boring.

3) Upstarts instead of start ups
You are absolutely correct, I made a stupid mistake. I've found working with start ups to be better because they don't have a huge budget, which plays to my strengths and they're willing to try out different, unique and fun things unlike more established companies. Also many startups need videos to explain exactly what they do as sometiems their services are not as simple as 'lawn mowing' for example.

4) I wish you guys would cut it out
I am not coming in here saying I am a top copywriter. The fact is I have been in the industry for over 7 years and I have been a producer of videos across many different industries, as well as website design, Facebook design, Facebook advertising, email marketing, backend development etc. I have the work to prove my capabilities and also a long list of happy customer testimonials (there was one that wasn't happy but that's because this particualr customer didn't pay when required and I was on the phone annoying her).

Concluding:
Yes I am new to copywriting and also to various advertising channels that I wish to expand my services to I will not lie there. I'm not going to turn this into a back and forth, it sounds like you have some personal issues that you are taking out on me. I think accusing someone of being a CROOK is very rude, and you should be sure you know all your facts before you make an accusation like that.

I've checked out your Miserable Products website through your Facebook and you have only 12 subscribers and your landing page contains no social proof of Sydney based clients.

It's unfortunate that, being in Sydney, there may have been an opportunity for us to work together, but since the first words out of your mouth when I come for advice is CROOK, I think it is a relationship that probably would not have lasted.

P.S. the links on your website are broken (your Earning Statement link does not work) and also I found a page with a video on it and no copy or form to fill out. I think if anyone is going to call someone a crook, especially you selling an ebook for I don't know how much (I didn't check, for a sum of money) on how to dominate social media while your own Facebook account is inadequate (having only 100 'Friends'), not to mention that you provide no social proof of results you've obtained, I think it is more fair for me to call you a crook then the other way around.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6215971].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by KostaKondra

I was going to come in and thank everyone for providing their feedback but I just wanted to quickly go over The Nazi's criticism:

1) You're trying too hard
- Yes, I am trying my best.

2) Not finding my joke funny.
- I agree, as following the rule though it made you feel a reaction, and I respect anyone who tries something different instead of those standard Gumtree ads. The point that I'm making is that I personally thought it was pretty funny, but I agree it may have been inappropriate, but I think it was different and interesting. Which was following the advice of not being boring.

3) Upstarts instead of start ups
You are absolutely correct, I made a stupid mistake. I've found working with start ups to be better because they don't have a huge budget, which plays to my strengths and they're willing to try out different, unique and fun things unlike more established companies. Also many startups need videos to explain exactly what they do as sometiems their services are not as simple as 'lawn mowing' for example.

4) I wish you guys would cut it out
I am not coming in here saying I am a top copywriter. The fact is I have been in the industry for over 7 years and I have been a producer of videos across many different industries, as well as website design, Facebook design, Facebook advertising, email marketing, backend development etc. I have the work to prove my capabilities and also a long list of happy customer testimonials (there was one that wasn't happy but that's because this particualr customer didn't pay when required and I was on the phone annoying her).

Concluding:
Yes I am new to copywriting and also to various advertising channels that I wish to expand my services to I will not lie there. I'm not going to turn this into a back and forth, it sounds like you have some personal issues that you are taking out on me. I think accusing someone of being a CROOK is very rude, and you should be sure you know all your facts before you make an accusation like that.

I've checked out your Miserable Products website through your Facebook and you have only 12 subscribers and your landing page contains no social proof of Sydney based clients.

It's unfortunate that, being in Sydney, there may have been an opportunity for us to work together, but since the first words out of your mouth when I come for advice is CROOK, I think it is a relationship that probably would not have lasted.

P.S. the links on your website are broken (your Earning Statement link does not work) and also I found a page with a video on it and no copy or form to fill out. I think if anyone is going to call someone a crook, especially you selling an ebook for I don't know how much (I didn't check, for a sum of money) on how to dominate social media while your own Facebook account is inadequate (having only 100 'Friends'), not to mention that you provide no social proof of results you've obtained, I think it is more fair for me to call you a crook then the other way around.

"Personal issues"? WTF. There's the mirror.

I thought you were an Aussie? The meaning of "crook" in this context is "no good". Nothing to do with "fraud". You should know that.

"I wish you guys would cut it out" is directed to the 5-minute copywriters critiquing your work. Again - not directed at you. Read it again -

bit like the tyros here masquerading as copywriters - guys who have been in the game five minutes and think its cool to be giving advice

"Miserable Productions" (not "products")- my trading name, is a test site I threw up years ago and forgot about. The "ebook" you talk about doesn't exist. I was testing the WP theme. I spend zero time on facebook and could care less how many "subscribers" I have.

If you were really clever a quick read of my details would show you I live in Paris. I don't target Sydney-based clients. I work the world.

"CROOK" - ill, sick, OR badly made, something that is not functioning.

and also I found a page with a video on it and no copy or form to fill out

BTW you've been here for all of 5 posts. Not a good idea to attack posters who have many more runs on the board than you. That will come back and bite you on the arse.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6217026].message }}

KostaKondra

12 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

"Personal issues"? WTF. There's the mirror.

I thought you were an Aussie? The meaning of "crook" in this context is "no good". Nothing to do with "fraud". You should know that.

"I wish you guys would cut it out" is directed to the 5-minute copywriters critiquing your work. Again - not directed at you.

"Miserable Productions" (not "products")- my trading name, is a test site I threw up years ago and forgot about. The "ebook" you talk about doesn't exist. I was testing the WP theme. I spend zero time on facebook and could care less how many "subscribers" I have.

If you were really clever a quick read of my details would show you I live in Paris. I don't target Sydney-based clients. I work the world.

"CROOK" - ill, sick, OR badly made, something that is not functioning.

PHP Code:

  and also I found a page with a video on it and no copy or form to fill out

I understand. I have read your post again and now understand what you meant to say (ironic there would be a misunderstanding on word context in a copywriting forum).

Anyway I apologize for anything I said, I was just defending myself. It is the two sided coin of the word crook, as one meaning is sick or ill and the other meaning is a criminal/burglar/fraud. I thought you were referring to the second meaning of the word when you used it but now I understand you meant the first type.

It was a misunderstanding, hope this does not prevent from giving honest feedback in the future.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6217057].message }}

Jonathan 2.0

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Not a good idea to attack posters who have many more runs on the board than you. That will come back and bite you on the arse.

As much as I like You, "The Copy Nazi" that works both ways: If you insult someone with your "critique" (or whatever) that could come back to bite you in the [something] too.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

"Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6217079].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0

As much as I like You, "The Copy Nazi" that works both ways: If you insult someone with your "critique" (or whatever) that could come back to bite you in the [something] too.

Ah butt out. Who said anything about "insulting"? The guy took it the wrong way is all.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6217436].message }}

Prashant_W

12 years ago

Mal: The next time someone asks for a critique, you should link em' your site. I learnt a crapload reading it.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6217586].message }}

Loren Woirhaye

12 years ago

Run on sentences.

Not specific enough.

ex. "What worked in the past will not work in the future"

- aside from having a sort of cliched and armchair philosopher
feel to it, doesn't say what "what" is. What it the "what"?
Define it and use it to tell your prospect how "what" will
make his or her life better.

for example: "Selling tactics which sold your product last
year won't be working for you this year... and may never
work for your business again."

In a 23 word sentence I used a "your" 2x and "you" once.
Nor did I mention "me" or "I". The "What" is "Selling tactics"
which has a snappy sound because "tactic" sounds like
a cocking rifle and the word is associated with specificity,
military precision, and action. There's a lot to writing
a good ad. A lot more than you'll get from a few brief
comments.

A college course on writing might help you develop a
clearer style... and of course there is all the reading
good writers do.

Thanks

Signature

HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Bookâ€”FREE! |
*Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) *
CopyWriting Services

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6219680].message }}

Please poke 3 HOLES in my copy

Trending Topics

How did you turn it all around?

Any thoughts on golf's latest phenom...Scottie Scheffler??

What's the Best IM-Related Skill to Learn Today That Can Help in the Future?

Some interesting stats about brand comms

Infographic: How B2B marketers on LinkedIn can maximise their efforts for better audience reach