What Do You Think of My Follow-Up Letter?

you can ...

create a completely divergent thought. but there has to be a call to action afterwards to make this work

give you your best testimonial

tell a cautionary tale (use this only if you can relate it to your message)

Not persuasive at all, if you don't mind me being honest and blunt. It's the same as writing sales copy (even though it's part of an autoresponder sequence). Your lead copy has to grab the prospect and force him/her to read more of what you have below.

As a copywriter, this writing is pretty atrocious.


Big turn-off. Firstly, they've accepted receiving their emails, and something a lot of prospects deeply desire is instant gratification. Instead, lead in with highly personalized lead copy. Use their name. Talk about something that your prospect would be extremely concerned about.

Immediately inject emotions. You can see what Gary Halbert did in his Coat of Arms letter. He immediately injected a huge hook in the very first lead paragraph.

Not in the least bit emotional or grabbing. Sure, it might get some prospects to read on, but their hearts don't raze with fire, their brains don't scream "MORE! MORE! MORE!"

What you're essentially supposed to do right here, is implicitly highlight the benefits of what you're going to offer in your service. If it's part of building your case for a sale, you can't just leave these points here like a skeleton!

You need elaboration/documentation to be more persuasive on every single claim/promise you make - that includes your "benefits" (in this case, it would be inverted benefits).

The search engines can't find your site? How? And why isn't it dimensionalized?

One of the worst things you can do in copy is: Bragging without documentation.

You haven't built your case up at all from the start of the copy, and the next thing you're doing here is immediately talking about how you're good at SEO writing and selling.

What's even worse here is that you didn't even bother to add credibility elements behind the bragging... Which is a really huge turn-off factor!

Hmm, you might be trying to tackle an objection here "big sales pitch!", but in this case, it's a bad objection to tackle.

In my humble opinion, if you've built your copy properly, it should get your prospect ENTHUSIASTIC for your close/sales. If it's done properly, it shouldn't even ring the bells of "sales pitch" until the "benefits" of what you're going to sell has been hammered into your prospect's head.

At least you're going for a soft sell variation here - it seems more appropriate.

Don't say "based on the four essential criteria above". It's a good chance to get the emotions raging again! Rephrase it, dimensionalize it!

Now you have me convinced, this isn't copywriting at all.

Good copywriters don't say: "Now I know what you're thinking..."

It's a really BAD taboo in copywriting. No decent copywriter will tell their prospect something like... "Hey, I know what you're thinking." or "Hey, you are probably thinking this."

It's like you're telling them how to feel. Instead, you want to sneak in sideways and talk about the objection implicitly.

Further more, your objections seems repetitive. Have you really done market research with your current prospects? Are you sure this is something major hindering your sale?

----

I don't want to sound very harsh, but the rest of the copy is rather so-so. At least I see some attempts on "urgency", but since the top of the copy is already ruined...

Here are some constructive criticisms:

• Conduct more market research - your whole copy doesn't seem to utilize research tidbits at all
• More gradualization - you can flip over "Breakthrough Advertising" by Eugene Schwartz to take an explanation of how to gradualize from current beliefs to your claims and finally to the close.
• Learn how to dimensionalize - check out Makepeace's archive ( Make your product ). I'm certainly not talking about making everything tabloidy, but there are ways to do that professionally that don't require huge sensationalism

An email is still a letter, really. The basic principles of copy still apply if you're edging a prospect towards an action.

Good luck.

-wittyblogger

Not persuasive at all, if you don't mind me being honest and blunt. It's the same as writing sales copy (even though it's part of an autoresponder sequence). Your lead copy has to grab the prospect and force him/her to read more of what you have below.

As a copywriter, this writing is pretty atrocious.


Big turn-off. Firstly, they've accepted receiving their emails, and something a lot of prospects deeply desire is instant gratification. Instead, lead in with highly personalized lead copy. Use their name. Talk about something that your prospect would be extremely concerned about.

Immediately inject emotions. You can see what Gary Halbert did in his Coat of Arms letter. He immediately injected a huge hook in the very first lead paragraph.

Not in the least bit emotional or grabbing. Sure, it might get some prospects to read on, but their hearts don't raze with fire, their brains don't scream "MORE! MORE! MORE!"

What you're essentially supposed to do right here, is implicitly highlight the benefits of what you're going to offer in your service. If it's part of building your case for a sale, you can't just leave these points here like a skeleton!

You need elaboration/documentation to be more persuasive on every single claim/promise you make - that includes your "benefits" (in this case, it would be inverted benefits).

The search engines can't find your site? How? And why isn't it dimensionalized?

One of the worst things you can do in copy is: Bragging without documentation.

You haven't built your case up at all from the start of the copy, and the next thing you're doing here is immediately talking about how you're good at SEO writing and selling.

What's even worse here is that you didn't even bother to add credibility elements behind the bragging... Which is a really huge turn-off factor!

Hmm, you might be trying to tackle an objection here "big sales pitch!", but in this case, it's a bad objection to tackle.

In my humble opinion, if you've built your copy properly, it should get your prospect ENTHUSIASTIC for your close/sales. If it's done properly, it shouldn't even ring the bells of "sales pitch" until the "benefits" of what you're going to sell has been hammered into your prospect's head.

At least you're going for a soft sell variation here - it seems more appropriate.

Don't say "based on the four essential criteria above". It's a good chance to get the emotions raging again! Rephrase it, dimensionalize it!

Now you have me convinced, this isn't copywriting at all.

Good copywriters don't say: "Now I know what you're thinking..."

It's a really BAD taboo in copywriting. No decent copywriter will tell their prospect something like... "Hey, I know what you're thinking." or "Hey, you are probably thinking this."

It's like you're telling them how to feel. Instead, you want to sneak in sideways and talk about the objection implicitly.

Further more, your objections seems repetitive. Have you really done market research with your current prospects? Are you sure this is something major hindering your sale?

----

I don't want to sound very harsh, but the rest of the copy is rather so-so. At least I see some attempts on "urgency", but since the top of the copy is already ruined...

Here are some constructive criticisms:

• Conduct more market research - your whole copy doesn't seem to utilize research tidbits at all
• More gradualization - you can flip over "Breakthrough Advertising" by Eugene Schwartz to take an explanation of how to gradualize from current beliefs to your claims and finally to the close.
• Learn how to dimensionalize - check out Makepeace's archive ( Make your product ). I'm certainly not talking about making everything tabloidy, but there are ways to do that professionally that don't require huge sensationalism

An email is still a letter, really. The basic principles of copy still apply if you're edging a prospect towards an action.

Good luck.

-wittyblogger

You are "selling from your heels". This is truly awful - Turn that around.

Here you go again - And then you go for the jugular with this monumentally horrible line - Are you ashamed to be in sales? That's how this comes across. You're also trying to be cute and it doesn't work.

Oh my God - you do it again - You have a perfect opportunity to work a story into this pitch - the Dentist. "During a discussion with my dentist". Lame. The dentist was halfway down your throat trying to retrieve a piece of broken wisdom tooth...it hurt so much you peed your pants...while she was bending over you you got to see down her ample cleavage...not only did you sell her a website...but you got a date as well. Know why they call them "wisdom teeth"? - see - all that stuff. There's a zillion things you can do with a dentist story. Bring on the Laughing Gas.

If you're apologetic about pitching/selling - you shouldn't be a copywriter. Maybe you need to go work as a door-to-door salesman for a month - that will quickly lift your game.

Here's John Carlton on "selling from your heels". Pretty sure he got the concept from his mentor Gary Halbert.

Jerry,

Good on ya for taking action. Here are a few thoughts.

You are the expert. Right now you know 200x more about what you do than they ever will. You don't have to hedge anything. Don't say things like, "you just might put some extra cash in the bank account!"

You wouldn't want your surgeon to tell you, "you just might pull through this."

I understand you are trying to be sort of non-salesy about it (I think).

Just write like you would talk in a normal conversation. Don't be humorous, cute, or clever. Speak plainly.

"Not persuasive at all, if you don't mind me being honest and blunt."

Not at all, WB; honest and blunt is what I was looking for.

"As a copywriter, this writing is pretty atrocious. "

The good news is this puts me one step closer to the good one!

Copy Nazi:
And then you go for the jugular with this monumentally horrible line - Quote:
Uh-oh, here it comes; the big sales pitch!
Are you ashamed to be in sales? That's how this comes across. You're also trying to be cute and it doesn't work.

Oh my God - you do it again - Quote:
Now I know what you're thinking...
Quote:
"This is just a ruse to get in my store and start selling me a bunch of services I don't need!"

These were efforts to anticipate and diffuse possible objections. But I can see that by building a stronger case further up the page they wold not even be issues.

"Good on ya for taking action. Here are a few thoughts."

Thanks Joe, I needed that.

Guys, once again I am blown away by the time and effort you put into helping those of us who are new to this game; thank you very, very much for the education.

Jerry

These were efforts to anticipate and diffuse possible objections. But I can see that by building a stronger case further up the page they wold not even be issues.

Jerry, only around 15% of the people who raise their hand to get your free report will be ready to buy your services within the next 30-45 days. The other 85% will take up to 18 months to move forward. That's why you need to touch base with them every 30 days until they buy.

You don't have to anticipate and answer objections in the first email. It puts too much burden on the one message.

Consciously or subconsciously, one thing they are trying to get a sense of is what it would be like to work with you. So pretend they are already a client. Bring value every time you touch base with them.

Keep showing them how you will help them, that you are a problem solver, that you are in it for the long haul, that you are responsive, responsible and trustworthy. You don't have to send a free report every time but give them a link, a tip or something of value every time. Mix it up. Send them a postcard, a letter, whatever.

The secret to making lead generation work is targeting high-value clients that fit your USP. The other part is filling the sales funnel with enough of them. With a number of quality prospects entering your pipeline you have control.