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May I please have my sales letter critiqued?

by ksmusselman
5 replies
Good afternoon happy warriors...

I'm venturing into a new realm here of offline direct mail marketing for my new store and I'd like a critique of my sales letter.

The concept - I'm targeting the Vegas Wedding Chapels with a direct mailing and enclosed samples and I'm trying to come up with a sales letter that will make the chapel proprietors want to try something different - at least feel compelled to stop by the website.

That's the premise.. here's the letter:
http://www.the-bookmarks-store.com/a...s-sales-letter

And the letter, once in its final form, is also going to be the new website page 'vegas-weddings.html' (it's not built yet).

Thanks everyone!
#critiqued #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Devin X
    Banned
    Originally Posted by ksmusselman View Post

    Good afternoon happy warriors...

    I'm venturing into a new realm here of offline direct mail marketing for my new store and I'd like a critique of my sales letter.

    The concept - I'm targeting the Vegas Wedding Chapels with a direct mailing and enclosed samples and I'm trying to come up with a sales letter that will make the chapel proprietors want to try something different - at least feel compelled to stop by the website.

    That's the premise.. here's the letter:
    http://www.the-bookmarks-store.com/a...s-sales-letter

    And the letter, once in its final form, is also going to be the new website page 'vegas-weddings.html' (it's not built yet).

    Thanks everyone!
    Honestly, after reading the letter I still don't have the slightest idea about what you're offering me. Some of the sentences seem fragmented too...I'd advise writing it as if you're speaking to a prospect that walked into your store.
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    • Profile picture of the author ksmusselman
      Originally Posted by TheRealDudeman View Post

      Honestly, after reading the letter I still don't have the slightest idea about what you're offering me. Some of the sentences seem fragmented too...I'd advise writing it as if you're speaking to a prospect that walked into your store.
      Okay - back to the drawing board! ROFL Thanks!
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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      You're copy targets the wrong market. You go on and on about the couples who get married at these chapels. You want to talk about the actual owners of the chapels.

      And your copy takes too long to get to the point. Tell them what you're offering, tell them why they NEED it, and tell them how to get it.
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      • Profile picture of the author ksmusselman
        Originally Posted by NickN View Post

        You're copy targets the wrong market. You go on and on about the couples who get married at these chapels. You want to talk about the actual owners of the chapels.

        And your copy takes too long to get to the point. Tell them what you're offering, tell them why they NEED it, and tell them how to get it.
        Always been my problem... too verbose..
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  • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
    What do chapels want?

    Probably more weddings and more money - so you need to focus on that (or whatever else it is).

    You are trying to sound nice and important which results in boring.

    Because of the boring aspect I didn't read the whole thing. So maybe you did this already: include 1-3 stories of how you made other chapel owners happy, possibly including some quotes (of course testimonials should be part of it)

    In fact your copy could start with a story:

    1. Chapel owner not happy.
    2. You step in - she reluctantly accepts your help (very sceptically)
    3 You save the day - chapel owner is happy
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