Can you guys give me feedback on my copy?

35 replies
Hey guys!
I'd really love some feedback. Id there anything that I'm doing wrong that stands out to you?

I'm trying to infuse certain images, and get the reader to associate me with something. Is it obvious?

ANY feedback would be realllllllly appreciated! You guys are the best!

Here's The #1 Way To Quickly and Effortlessly Give Your Website A Breakthrough Facelift...That Breathes Class & Distinction, And It Won't Even Break The Bank!

Dear Fellow Wine Lover,

If you'd like a quick, easy way to breathe some new life into your old website, then you'll want to read just a little bit more.

Imagine this....
Imagine a fresh young twenty-something sitting behind the computer, hour-after-hour, slamming the keys of his keyboard as he punches away, building websites, marketing, designing logos and banner ads, and writing psychologically irresistible advertisements.

Well... that happens to be me!

My name is Adam Gedney and I build quality winery websites for a living.
Well, I'm no longer that fresh young twenty-something, I'm in my thirties now (not getting any younger), and after working in the industry for almost 10 years I've recently decided to "go out on my own". I own Juicebin Marketing, out of Napa Valley. A high end, graphic & web design firm for the wine industry.

You may be wondering what that has to do with you?

It's simple... Your website's not working anymore. We both know it. You need a newer, classier look. Something that says, "You". You need more customers, more sales, and all the praise and freedom that comes with having a fine, modern, well made website. You need the premier cru!

Is your website...
  • more than two years old
  • using outdated graphic design
  • using blurry images
  • not representing your brand or vision the way it should
  • not showing up in search engines like Google, Yahoo, or Bing
  • not receiving floods of compliments about how great it looks
  • not generating new sales!?

...then you need to take action.

You're literally throwing away barrels of cash!

No one in their right mind would pour wine down the drain...

Here's a little story. Read it. At the end of it, you'll understand exactly what you need to do fix your problems.

Once upon a time...
A potential customer is driving by your winery. I'll bet your property is a sight for sore eyes. Maybe you have some pillaring mountains around you, some rolling vineyards, a stream, or a quaint, nostalgic winery and ranch.

Whatever it is, she's interested! ...and wants to know more. She wonders if she might have finally found that hidden gem she can brag to her friends about...

She will take note of your sign (if you even have one) and then look for you on Google. This is the age of information!

When she finally finds your website (if she ever does), you've got about 1 second to grab her attention (maybe less)...

Imagine she sees a newly designed, updated, top-notch website with excellent graphic design and beautiful pictures of your property, your story, your wine...

Imagine your website was up to date like most of the other wineries out there crushing it with sales.

You wouldn't have missed this sale!

She would have an overwhelming desire to visit. She'd click through each beautifully laid out page of your website reading your story of where you came from, what inspired you to create your wine, how you make your wine, and she'll get lost looking at all the photos of your property and your wine. Most importantly, she'll now know where to buy your wine.

Your wine!

All things equal, it's your wine you're trying to sell, right?

It's your passion to create great juice. Your bottom line is to sell more wine.

I will help you sell more wine!

Did you know that bringing your website up to date will
  • immediately have you showing up in Google
  • boost your visitors
  • boost your referrals
  • make you feel proud again about your passion... Wine!
  • immediately get your friends, family, and customers buzzing with excitement

and... It will make you more money!

Imagine bringing on board hundreds more customers...

You know how important it is to have a growing customer base, and in this age there is only one way worth doing. Your website... your storefront.

Your website is the cheapest form of advertising out there. Guaranteed!

I can make you look great!

Since I'm finally going out on my own, starting Juicebin Marketing, my first customers stand to practically steal my services from me. I'm out to make a splash!

I will design you a new website, with high quality graphic design, load it up with beautiful pictures of your wine, get it in Google, and get you more customers, at a much lower price than other professionals. Take advantage of my newbie company. I invite you.

I'm out to make raving fans of my services. I'm looking for a lifetime relationship. I want to be "your web guy", and I'll stop at nothing until you're 100% happy.

In fact,
I guarantee you'll be 100% satisfied, FOREVER, or I'll refund 100% of your money, no questions asked!

I'm taking all the risk.

I'm so certain you'll love your fresh, new high quality website, the praises of excellence from friends, family, and customers, and the increase in sales, that I'm willing to take ALL of the risk.

Maybe I'm an idiot? Well.... Could be. But, I guess it's just because I passionately stand by my offer and high level of service (I spent 5 years as a project manager & client liaison on Park and Madison Ave. in New York City), and I'm eager to get out there.

I've worked Harvest. I've been in the winery office. I know your business. As an insider, I can make you an outstanding website that will be one of your most valuable assets for years to come. Your competitors will drool over your new look.

All you have to do is call or email me. Just give me the chance to talk with you about your website.

Now that you know what's wrong with your site (the tons of money slipping by, the outdated company image), and how to fix it, the right way, don't you want to finally get it done?

Of course you do.

Are you looking for a high quality, low cost solution?

Click here to send me a quick email, or copy & paste the address below.
adamatxxxxxxxx.com

You won't be sorry. I'm actually very friendly, warm and approachable. Don't be fooled though... I have a real get it done attitude that I picked up from some old italians working as a construction laborer as a boy.

Click here

or call me:
xxx.xxx.xxxx

P.S. I almost forgot!
I'll ALWAYS be on the other end of the phone or email. 24/7 LIFETIME tech support (even if you grab a full refund for some reason... I know... dumb, right?)! A deal is a deal.

I'm certainly not going to disappear or be impossible to reach like some of those inexperienced, sloppy web guys out there. I'm looking to build a long-term, high end, business serving wineries, and that means I need to be there, and I need class & integrity so you can look amazing and make more sales. Done! Click here
#copy #copywriting #feedback #give #guys
  • Hi Adam,

    First of all your copy isn't all that bad. It covers the basics - it's got some empathy, and yes, you design websites.

    But your people probably get inundated with this type of "So what? - everybody says this, I've heard it all before" type of pitch.

    It's trying very hard to say something enlightening. But isn't managing it. It's not nearly compelling enough.

    It's too easy just to "pass it by" Because it's a bit bland. There's not enough substance and far too many generalities - with virtually no tangible enticing details.

    It coughs and splutters too much.

    You don't want that.


    Make everything flow flawlessly. In logical order. Don't bounce the readers about. Make it interesting, enthralling and enjoyable to read.

    You want your letter to be the best part of your prospects day. Making them go "Wow - this is exactly what I need, I really do want these results and I want them now"

    The headline should be about the one thing your prospects really do need - more sales.

    Then progress from that key trigger. Tell them exactly how you'll achieve this.

    And never give a feature without highlighting the benefit.

    The benefits you're aiming for are -

    Objective positive benefits

    Problem solving benefits

    Positive emotional benefits

    Emotional relief benefits

    Use more subheads and make them magnetic - pull people into the copy.

    Power up the bullets - use a magnum not a spud gun.



    What to do is -

    Put yourself in the shoes of the client (actually in a winery they may not wear shoes).

    Anyway.

    Rewrite the whole piece asking yourself - one thing - what do the clients most want to hear?

    Then tell them. Concisely, specifically and professionally - make them realize and prove why you are the only website designer they should use. They already have one so why are you leagues better?

    Don't make it boring - sell with empathy with a dash of entertainment.

    Miss out any stuff that doesn't interest them. If you are going to tell a story - make it really fascinating. Remember your prospects only care about themselves.

    Make an "limited" irresistible offer - one that nobody in their right minds can refuse.

    I like the guarantee - really hammer it again in the P.S.


    Steve


    P.S. Others should pop in and give you more "how to do it" techniques.
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    • Profile picture of the author Winston Tenbrink
      Immediately, I could tell it was a problem with the offer. Your offer's not good at all - it's not specialized enough, and not clear on the benefits you want your prospect to really get.

      A better looking website for ____ ? What's the missing blank? You need a fresh angle - that alone will give you a headstart for writing better copy. I think you need to put away copywriting for now, and really research your market. Who are the sort of people in your market?

      Are they small businesses who want websites? Or whatever you find in research.

      But if you're talking about search engine optimization, I can't really see how the two fit together in the offer.

      -Winston Tenbrink
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Adam you are trying to do too much with this.

    When selling tangible things which people can hold in their hands
    or at least touch, then you can write a long form sales letter.

    When selling services that are intangible, like what you are offering,
    then you have to take baby steps.

    It could be just a personalized hand written note saying something as simple as..

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Hi Eve, your website has sparked an idea I think you'd like,
    and I'd like to quickly run it by you.
    Call me on 021 6969 09
    Cheers Adam
    BTW love your 2006 Chardonnay
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    That's your lead generation letter getting you talking with decision makers.

    Talking with prospects should be the outcome you want.

    And what I've shown you is a way to do it.

    Best,
    Ewen

    P.S. Keep sending them out to your list of wineries you would love to work with.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    This is a stinker. Dud headline...followed by the cheesy salutation "Dear Fellow Wino" (or whatever it was)...followed by very clumsy copy. So inept it scares me.

    Bite the bullet and hire a pro.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      This is a stinker. Dud headline...followed by the cheesy salutation "Dear Fellow Wino" (or whatever it was)...followed by very clumsy copy. So inept it scares me.

      Bite the bullet and hire a pro.
      Do you offer advice or just criticism?
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

        Do you offer advice or just criticism?
        I've offered my advice. The dude can't write to save his life. That's why he should get a copywriter.

        Unless you want to help him out. Let's see what you've got. Perhaps it will "breathe class and distinction" (shudder).
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          I've offered my advice. The dude can't write to save his life. That's why he should get a copywriter.
          Comparatively speaking it was a very good attempt. I've seen worse.
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author i am brad
    A simple change of your headline to something as simple as

    Discover How You Can Give Your Website A Breakthrough Facelift...That Breathes Class & Distinction, And It Won’t Even Break The Bank!

    will get more attention with the addition of a verb
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
      You can model some excellent lead generation and sales letters for service providers in chapter 11 of Bob Bly's book, The Encyclopedia of Business Letters.

      He gives you the guidance you need to write a powerful lead generation or sales letter for your business.

      Best,

      Thomas O'Malley
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      • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
        You're overselling in my opinion.

        People who own wineries are likely both smart and busy
        and unlikely to respond to this sort of pitch. I would
        however expect that they might respond to an offer
        of a free book about how to self-diagnose whether
        their website is up to snuff in today's evolving web-o-sphere.

        I would just give away a white paper about how freshening
        up the look and function of a website can improve its
        appeal, yada yada. Some concise document that tells
        the reader how to self-diagnose whether his or her site
        needs work and how much of it is needed.

        Believe me, if your white paper is good and raises rational
        points about specific weaknesses older winery websites
        often have, you'll get some calls.

        For example:

        "Does your present site have interactive features like
        Facebook integration? How about comments?"
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        • Profile picture of the author MyNewMama
          Loren is correct. You're using the wrong method to attract your target market. Analyze what your competition (the one's who are successful) and see what they are doing. Since what they're doing has already been tested, just tweak it a bit and come up with a better offer.

          Most of those in your niche are very intelligent, they have a high income, and will leave your site quicker than you can say quick, so really knowing and understanding your target market is crucial.

          The second thing you're doing wrong is EVEN IF they stick around, your main headline needs a lot of improvement. It is obvious that you were struggling with the headline (not meant in a bad way).

          Spend a little bit more time on your headline if you're going to use this marketing approach.
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          • Just be very aware.

            In most cases they'll have an existing designer.

            So if you give your prospects valuable ideas on how their sites can be improved.

            Make absolutely sure you do everything possible to prove you are the only one to do it.

            Or else you're gifting all that potential business straight to your competitors.

            Don't let them say -

            "Yes, brilliant ideas, we'll get our web people to do all this right now - thanks for the fabulous suggestions, we appreciate it, bye bye"


            Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    You are "courting" these clients. You're looking to
    take the business away from somebody else, so while
    this is done and that's business, you should make
    an offer that gets them thinking maybe you have
    an edge their present supplier lacks.

    A lot of businesses have webmasters resting on their
    laurels maintaining a 10 year old site and collecting
    a monthly fee that is outlandish by today's standards.

    You need to make a better offer compared to the
    person they've used before. Don't assume their current
    supplier is up on the game of IM though. Chances are
    good some of these dudes are collecting a mid-to-high
    4-figure annual paycheck just to make an occasional
    update and troubleshoot as needed; basic webmaster
    stuff.
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  • Profile picture of the author carl preza
    Just make it simple and direct to the point. Emphasized why your product is different from your competitor and focus on that.
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  • Adam, one suggestion: I would try to add some testimonials to both your lead gen efforts and your site. You have enough success stories in your portfolio. Get some good testimonials and put them everywhere, even your email signature. Maybe interview your good customers on video and post some of those on your site.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Tell you what, if Adam doesn't pop back and at least look at all the effort that's gone into this thread.

      Well, he'll never f****** know what he missed (lol)


      Steve


      P.S. Adam you don't have to "agree" with any of it.

      But you did ask and we did help.
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      • Profile picture of the author adamshields
        Steve & Lauren, you're right. I need to add real content. I'll inject some tips on self-diagnosing and fixing their website themselves.
        I recognize I should rewrite and clarify the copy. It does jump around a bit. I'll try to widdle down to one story that drives home the point.

        I rewrote the headline. I think I've nailed it. The one thing I want my target to take from this letter is " Juicebin Marketing will design my website cheaper than their other 4 main competitors and it will be classier because Adam is a wine business insider."

        here's the new headline. Sorry I suck at this guys...
        Here's The #1 Way To Quickly and Effortlessly Give Your Winery's Website A Breakthrough Facelift That Will Breathe Class & Distinction, Make Your Brand Look AMAZING, Generate More Sales, And You'll Practically Be Stealing This Secret From Your Biggest Competitor!






        I'll keep checking back now that I know people are replying. Thank you ALL sooooooooo much!
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        • Profile picture of the author Winston Tenbrink
          No, that's not how you do it! Pardon me for being blunt, but I think you should hire a copywriter instead of doing it yourself because the standard difference is too wide.

          If you're going to pit yourself against your competitor... Your research is going to take much more than just 5 minutes of brainstorming. List down a full inventory og what your competitor does, and what you do. If you do something major that your competitor doesn't.. Well, there's your unique positioning.

          -Winston Tenbrink
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          • Profile picture of the author adamshields
            Thanks Winston. You're probably right.
            I can't hire a copywriter though. I'm literally flat broke. This is either going to make or break me at this point. I could go on and on about why that's so, but I'll spare the thread.

            Bottom line... I have to make this happen.
            Everyone's input, in the end, is what will make it happen.
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    So sorry guys! You're the best! I didn't realize people were commenting. Just got an email today from the forum. I'll read them all now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    When I used to "court" architects for my fabrication
    business I would mail these cheap text-laden postcards
    with an offer of a free info-packet. Basic lead generation
    marketing. Only a tiny percent will request the packet,
    but then you send them something with a "thud factor"
    in the mail and they realize you really care about detail...
    and then they realize they really care about detail...
    and then they realize that the guy they've been using
    doesn't... and then you get a call.
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    Loren,
    I forgot to mention that I agree with your whitepaper thought.
    My plan in this case is an email that cliffhangs, getting them to my website, where they'll see the letter or a video powerpoint where I speak the letter.

    I'm starting to think I really need to rewrite, and I think Ken is right on.
    Do you guys agree with Ken?
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    Excellent psychology though, Loren. Thanks!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Adam, while you are tarting up "miss ugly"
      you could of been talking to your prospects on the phone.

      Makes me think you are afraid to talk to them.

      If you are broke as you say you are,
      then it's time for down and dirty street level action,
      and LOT'S of it.

      Do a combination of phoning and posting notes like the example I gave you.

      All this talk about a sales letter is rubbish for big ticket personal services.

      Any letter for you should just be a lead generator,
      with the sole aim of the prospect phoning in to talk with you.

      Lead generation is a different beast to a sales letter or ad that sells the whole thing.

      Seems like I'm a lone voice here.

      It's more fun selling paper rolls than brain cleansing I can tell ya!

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Blimeyoreilly
    I have just spent literally 10 minutes to come up with this headline which in my opinion is more interesting than your own:

    Is your website suffering from the ‘Purple Death’, Acting More Like Sour Grapes And Offering Fruitless Results? My POWERFUL Proven System Will Put The Fizz Back Into Your Business And Turn Your 'Purple Death' Website Into An Amazing, Fruitful ,Traffic Juicy 'Domain RomanĂ©e-Conti'

    However, it still would not be recommended by anyone in this thread, although they may comment that it is a more interesting alternative than even your latest attempt.
    Signature
    Be HaPpY, LuCkY & Successful in life!
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    Blime... I like the mention of a system.
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    ewen... I'm not much of a talker. I wrote the letter in the hopes that it would boost my conversion rates in the end. I was hoping to build enough desire in my prospects to get a higher number to call me. It would help if they were already sold before they call. I suck at this. Any bit would help
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  • Profile picture of the author Blimeyoreilly
    Video promotion is the best way to get results (i.e., 55 times more likely to get a PR1 ranking). What you could actually do is to create a wine website first, get it to PR1 (pre-done & ready to use) then approach your potential customer with your offer. I expect though you are strapped for time & probably too impatient for this idea. Anyway, I reckon you are learning quick about most IM things as I am. the only way we truly benefit in anything is to experience something by our own action (good or bad) & learn from it. There again we need to be careful not to go out like a bull in a china shop because it could do us more long-term harm than good. After all we do not want some viral message going around that we are totally greenhorn, while we need to promote our brand professionally from the word 'go' & never before we are actually ready.
    Signature
    Be HaPpY, LuCkY & Successful in life!
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    Agreed, Blime.
    I think what I'm getting from all of the advice above is that I should just casually craft an email to my prospect list that tells them what damage a bad website does to their brand, what they gain by having a great site, mention how expensive my competitors are, then invite them to call me for a free consult or visit my website.
    Does this sound about right?

    List my rates on my site?
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  • Profile picture of the author Blimeyoreilly
    Adam,
    I reckon that is a good plan to be getting on with for sure. Like me you are wary of telephone communications especially because we are not proven salesmen either. Not enough confidence & all that. Everyone has made really important contributions in this thread & so now I guess you will just have to re-tweak your approach with less over-selling, feature testimonies where possible & seriously consider outsourcing to a copywriter when you can. Then you could use the latter for your original approach more confidently. In this example then too much info can work against you.

    I love IM it is like playing a real hard game of word-chess every day with potentially consequences that keep that pressure flowing & interest glowing.
    Signature
    Be HaPpY, LuCkY & Successful in life!
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  • Adam, this might help your long-term marketing--here is a good resource that talks about positioning your business in the marketplace:

    The 10 Commandments of Power Positioning | Michel Fortin on Copywriting, Marketing, Business, and Life

    You can read it there or download the report for free. The author is a respected copywriter and marketing consultant. He works with a lot of independent business owners.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author adamshields
    You guys have all been amazing!
    I'm totally rethinking my approach.
    Thank you thank you thank you!
    "I'll be back"! <---said like Arnold
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    My primary problem is I wouldn't read past the headline as a reader, which makes the rest of the copy obsolete until you get that in order. I

    "Here’s The #1 Way To Quickly and Effortlessly Give Your Website A Breakthrough Facelift...That Breathes Class & Distinction, And It Won’t Even Break The Bank!"

    Just read this again and ask yourself where the benefit is. It's not spelled out clearly, I have to read between the lines. Assume that your reader is lazy and needs it spelled out in clear, black and white language. Remove everything that doesn't do that.

    That's a start.
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  • Profile picture of the author earthmom22
    I thought it was a very good attempt and the feedback, for the most part, is constructive and helpful.

    I love the visual of "breathing life into" a wine website. Everyone knows you open a bottle and let it breathe so that's nicely done.

    Very good (and free) help here. Take the best, ignore the rest and good luck to you!
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