headline needs looking at

by 16 replies
20
hey wf, im canvasing for a bit of a critique here..... first IM related offer ive put up in a while and not sure my title/ bullets are up to scratch for this niche.....

so here it is..

FREE Course Reveals The Secret Behind Creating A Passive Income From Selling On Amazon Kindle AND How To Outsource 95% Of The Work For Pennies!

(ok i like the first bit, its a bit typical but think it gets the curiosity sparked up to 'on amazon kindle' then the punch just isn't really the same i dont know maybe ive just been looking at it too much!)

    • A Secret Shortcut That Let's You Outsource 95% of The Work For Under $10.
    • The Simple Solution To Picking An Easy To Dominate Niche (Getting This Wrong Could Cost You Thousands).
    • How To Find A Quality Outsourcer That Will Provide You With Reliable Hot Amazon Ready Content
    • A Free System To Create $3,259 and More Per Month.
    • Instant Access To This FREE Actionable Content ($17 Value).
(to be honest i think these do the job ok. few tweaks and ill be happy to send traffic)


opinions, comments welcome


esub
#copywriting #headline
  • FREE! A super simple way to create over $3,000 passive income
    per month by outsourcing 95% of The Work For Under $10!

    Test out something like this.

    Although be cautious about income claims.
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
  • The headline is awkward.

    I'd take out the words "Course" and "From" and make it a dual headline:

    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • I have been wondering if I should include income claims or not. You cannot deny their effectiveness but it does kind of precondition people into a mindset that its going to easy to reach that figure with minimal effort. I don't want to put too many false hopes that are just going to end up distracting people from taking action like 90% of the other stuff in IM.

    Thank you both for you input. It's definitely starting to flow a little better. I really like the change of under $10 to pennies. The lack of specificity is useful because it can sometime cost more than $10 to find a quality outsource. Maybe some kind of connective between the two lines suggested by videolover7 would work.

    "FREE Passive Income Secret Revealed: How To Create And Sell Quality eBooks On Amazon Kindle, While Outsourcing 95% Of The Work (For Pennies!)"

    I'm sensing some split testing coming up
  • Banned
    I wouldn't include income claims. It is dangerous ground to be playing on, especially with the FTC cracking down. They are already looked down upon and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see them outlawed completely in the near future.
  • Yeah I don't really like them on a personal level either for the reasons stated in the post above, even if you have made a good income with the system your promoting. That's in no way reflective of what a person is going to achieve with said system. The fact that the FTC are also tightening up what you can and cannot do within IM is just even more reason to stay away from these claims. Thanks for your input Joe.

    Thoughts on the second edit would be nice to hear. I think it flows a lot better than the first, still not sure about the latter half after the comma. Trying to think of a different way to connect the two...
    • [1] reply
    • Banned
      I still find the flow to be pretty awkward. I'd go with something like this personally:

      Free: You can create passive income by selling quality ebooks on Amazon Kindle while outsourcing 95% of the work!

      Still hits all the points you want to get across and reads much better (in my opinion).
  • Yeah I really like that. I'm quite surprised how much better it flows with just a little re-jig. The personalization with 'you' at the start is a good addition too..... Was definitely missing from the first few attempts.

    Sweet. Now I better get off the WF, get some split test set up and actually get on with driving traffic to my offer! Cheers for the input warriors.
    • [1] reply
  • Just a quick one:

    Is It Really Possible To Create A Passive Income From Selling On Amazon Kindle?

    Not Only Is It Possible But This FREE Course Will Also Show You How To Get Others To Do 95% Of The Work For You
  • What's your pre-head?

    If this is the angle you're going for - your pre-head makes a load of difference and can help tighten the headline by quite a lot...
    • [1] reply
    • They're all dead ducks.

      Why..? because they are all trying too hard and get lost in the smog of sameness.

      Newspapers and tabloids still get more daily views than the info product universe.

      So let's copy their formula for getting read.

      One formula is...

      -----------------
      what/who...done
      -----------------
      --------------------------------------------
      Lazy Beach Bum Swears His Money Isn't Made
      From Slave Labor
      --------------------------------------------

      Now let's put this under the microscope...

      "Lazy Beach Bum" is the who which has a certain amount of
      emotional charge to it.

      "Swears" is the action word which transitions into the news story.
      Need action words to get the reader to take action. Passive words get no action.

      "His Money Isn't Made From Slave Labor"
      Slave labor has a controversial edge to it which draws readers in.
      This leads nicely into the author telling his story what he does
      without sounding like an ad, therefore draws in more readers.

      A headline and a lesson all gift wrapped for ya!

      Best,
      Ewen
      • [1] reply
  • Banned
    Opt-In to Vin Montello's list and get a free copy of his "Head-libs"
    Bit too Clickbanky for my tastes but you might get some ideas.

    And here's Halbert on Headlines.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Ok so I've been driving traffic to my offers (4 pages on a mulit split test).

    I used the original title I created with some small edits (first post), one in the style that Ewen suggested, one duel headline and finally one with a short pre-headline focused on urgency/limited offer.

    The difference so far is huge, my first title is converting at just below 20%
    Whereas the best is hitting just under 40%.

    Right now Ewen's style headline is destroying it with the highest conversion rate, but I am only about half done with traffic generation.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
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    headline needs looking at

    hey wf, im canvasing for a bit of a critique here..... first IM related offer ive put up in a while and not sure my title/ bullets are up to scratch for this niche..... so here it is..