Please Critique my First Attempt at Online Long-form Sales Copy

7 replies
Thanks to anyone with copywriting experience who can take a minute and give me an honest, nay, brutally honest assessment of my first draft.

The Secret Revealed | The Investment Compass

I don't claim to be a copywriter, but I've read a ton of books and re-written (word-for-word) a bunch of sales copy. I hope that something has sunk in, and that what I've written can serve as a foundation for an improving sales page.

Thanks again for your time.


#attempt #copy #critique #longform #online #sales
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, it's decent. Some of what you've read and practiced has sunk in. But it still needs a lot of work. I read two or three paragraphs and you still hadn't gotten to the nugget... the thing you promised to share right up front.

    Much of this is too wordy. For example, you take up too much real estate talking about the two TV knuckleheads predicting the opposite move. Instead, say something like, We've all seen it, two TV financial knuckleheads predicting the exact opposite moves only hours apart...

    I'd suggest some considerable trimming and then get to what you have. And I'd save the "about me" sharing until well after you've given them a good reason to want to know anything about you. Again, decent for your first try. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Joelamite
      Thanks - points noted and taken. Trim it down. Close the loop quicker.

      I appreciate your insight.


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  • Profile picture of the author Bret Ferguson
    I'm certainly not a copy guy, I do agree with everything that travlinguy said. The text gets long winded as Travlinguy said. That's something I have a problem with as well.

    I would also say your heading fonts are something I would expect to see on a "scary" movie credit or a "Nutty Professor" type move credit. I would keep it more professional looking like the rest of your site. I would change the font on the heading like right now. Also the dual colors in the headings don't work for me.

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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Hey Joel,

    I used to write for Agora Financial so I know a little about financial copy. But first...

    Visually you're wasting a lot of real estate top left of the site. Your market is men 55+ too, so you should make the body font bigger. And I'm not sure if your headline and sub-head font is easy to read. Gray background could be an issue too.

    Now onto the copy...

    Headline is pretty average. I've seen it so many times before.

    First section is confusing... the 2007 market meltdown is probably a better example to use. It's fresh in your prospect's mind and almost all the "experts" completely missed it...

    Peter Schiff Was Right 2006 - 2007 (2nd Edition) - YouTube

    I'd use specific proof too. For example I'm pretty sure Jim Cramer recommended Bear Sterns, or at least said it was solid right before it went into the gutter. So you might use that quote (if you can find it) and have a Bear Sterns price chart next to it.

    I feel like you zip through the story/credibility section. You don't really sell the revelation. You're just like "I was part of the noise, then a light bulb went on..."

    How did you discover it, why's it so amazing etc?

    Also, I bet you'll lose a lot of people at "supply and demand," you might not want to reveal that in your copy. Instead call it "my secret S&D indicator" or something sexy.

    I'd maybe use the "why your broker doesn't want you to know this" up into the lead. However the reasons you give are pretty lame. Your broker makes commissions regardless. Instead you might position it as something wall street insiders don't want you to know about so they can "rip your face off," but Terry's blowing the whistle on their shenanigans.

    You don't actually give a legitimate/believable reason for sharing this "secret." Why do you want to help the layman?

    Overall there's little emotional kick to your copy and proof is terrible. How about talking about 07 losses to retirement accounts, low bond yields etc and showing how much Terry makes with his strategy. Try and speak to customers too and see if they'll share gains/dollars made.

    So, a little bit more work to do.

    You should sign-up to this free newsletter:

    DailyWealth | Investment Newsletter, Advisory & Investment Analysis

    They have the best financial copywriters in the world. So study their promotions and your copy should improve over time.

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    • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
      Colmodwyer made some excellent points.

      But GAAAHH...

      Where's the deck copy?! (You know, the
      part between the headline and the lead

      While it's a "good" way to start off with
      "Hi, I'm yada-yada-yada...", you should
      start off to immediately build credibility!

      Fire up your copy with some proof
      elements, man.

      You have some massive speed bumps in
      your copy. It doesn't flow.

      The subheadline design gets to me. While
      capital letters proclaim that you're shouting,
      you don't want to shout too much.

      Look at Schwartz's copies... He goes from
      really, really soft, to average... UNTIL... HE...

      The highlighting made me shudder.

      Don't use reverse text on black. NEVER do it,
      I've tried it, and it killed conversions.

      Your theme isn't consistent at all.

      Your headline goes...

      "The 125 Year Old
      Investment Secret
      Your Broker Doesn't Want
      You to Find Out About!"

      And you're not building momentum in the rest
      of your copy at all.

      Try doing the "stacking" method.

      First Reason....

      Second Reason....

      THIRD Reason....

      And all of these reasons are actually implied
      benefits for your product. You need to build
      your logical + emotional case in this manner.

      Try changing the copy's theme, mate.

      It's bad.

      Winston Tian

      The Beginner's Doctor

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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Good copy, nay superb copy is all in the editing.

        Ruthless editing. Lots of it.

        Try not to use too many instances of, I this, I that, I something else.

        And talking of the word 'that', try to get rid of it altogether. It's an awful word to use in sales copy.

        Often you can rid of 'that' altogether without altering the meaning at all or where you need to, substitute for another more appropriate word.

        Overall though, for a first attempt, not a bad effort.

        Lots of editing needed though.

        Would say more but I'm bang in the middle of writing a piece of sales copy for one of my many clients. Just thought I'd pop up for a quick breather before diving back down below again.

        Warmest regards,

        Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author Joelamite
    My sincere thanks to all who contributed their insight. I feel your analysis is spot-on, and I am working on revising accordingly.


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