Pretty Please Critique My Direct Mail Sales Letter

rambo9600

12 years ago

I'm a copywriter, your copy Sucks! Nuff said.

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1 reply

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aaallday2010

12 years ago

Originally Posted by rambo9600

I'm a copywriter, your copy Sucks! Nuff said.

LOL! Thanks man, well said.

Thanks
1 reply

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rambo9600

12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

LOL! Thanks man, well said.

I wanted to see your initial response. Now I'll tell you why it sucks.

First and most important thing about direct mail marketing is getting the letter OPENED.

How is this being sent? Be very specific.

Thanks
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aaallday2010

12 years ago

Originally Posted by rambo9600

I wanted to see your initial response. Now I'll tell you why it sucks.

First and most important thing about direct mail marketing is getting the letter OPENED.

How is this being sent? Be very specific.

In an envelope via the mailman.

Thanks
2 replies

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rambo9600 12 years ago

I'm an expert at direct mail and I charge very high fees. If you want my advice answer my questions in detail or I'm done with this thread.
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Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

In an envelope via the mailman.

aaallday2010...

Rambo is spot on the money.

Now you asked the question, so it might be better for to be quiet for a minute and actually start listening carefully to some of the suggestions provided above.

Several of these guys (in order Joe Ditzel, Mark Pescetti, travlinguy, the legendary Rick Duris and Gjabiz (Gordon Alexander)) are top of the range copywriters, it's what they're best at.

Combined they've got many, many decades of direct experience behind them when it comes to direct response copywriting. Including advice to getting your envelope opened.

I'll tell you what's going to happen when you send out this fairly terrible offer - 3 options...

First it ends up on the A/ pile. "I must open this instantly to find out what this is about."

Second you've got the B/ pile. "I'll perhaps look at this later."

Third, there's the C/ pile. "This looks like crap. I'll stick it straight in the trash."

I suspect if you refuse to listen to anyone here, your marketing campaign will go the same way - straight down the toilet.

It doesn't matter how bloody good the offer is on the inside, which incidentally, yours isn't anyway. Regardless, if it was a mind blowingly good sales letter (which it isn't) your first high priority task is to get the bloody envelope opened by your target market.

Further reading here from my good self about direct response marketing...

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...marketing.html

...a thread which you patently need to read.

Mark Andrews
- Thanks
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BrainCopy

12 years ago

Originally Posted by rambo9600

I wanted to see your initial response. Now I'll tell you why it sucks.

First and most important thing about direct mail marketing is getting the letter OPENED.

How is this being sent? Be very specific.

LOL you are seriously sneaky! :p

Thanks

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KingOfContentMarketing

12 years ago

I suggest going through and applying these two questions to each sentence or paragraph:

So what?
Why should I believe you?

Add more benefits and proof.

Thanks
1 reply

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- Jack Trout

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aaallday2010 12 years ago

Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel

I suggest going through and applying these two questions to each sentence or paragraph:

So what?
Why should I believe you?

Add more benefits and proof.

You're right, thanks. I think I will be adding a graph image in the letter showing the traffic spikes.

I'm hoping the letter as is would peak their interest to call and I can give them more info and try to sell them on the spot.
- Thanks
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DavidG

12 years ago

Rambo has a point...

What's going to stop them from throwing it to the trash? What's going to make them open your letter?

David

Thanks
1 reply

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aaallday2010

12 years ago

Originally Posted by DavidG

Rambo has a point...

What's going to stop them from throwing it to the trash? What's going to make them open your letter?

David

Yeah, he has a point, but I'm simply asking for a critique of the actual sales letter.

Even though he's one of the greatest direct mail copywriters in the world, :rolleyes: I don't need his "it sucks" comments. He's too hell bent on finding out how I am mailing the letter rather than critiquing it.

If I wanted to know if my method of delivery was any good, then I would have asked.

Anyway, I plan on sending the letter in a plain white envelope, hand written address with no return label and ATTENT: Business owners name.

Plus a real stamp.

If that doesnt get opened, then oh well, their loss! Nothing I can do about that.

I still feel this will give me a better response than email though.

Thanks
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DavidG

12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

Yeah, he has a point, but I'm simply asking for a critique of the actual sales letter.

Even though he's one of the greatest direct mail copywriters in the world, :rolleyes: I don't need his "it sucks" comments. He's too hell bent on finding out how I am mailing the letter rather than critiquing it.

If I wanted to know if my method of delivery was any good, then I would have asked.

Anyway, I plan on sending the letter in a plain white envelope, hand written address with no return label and ATTENT: Business owners name.

Plus a real stamp.

If that doesnt get opened, then oh well, their loss! Nothing I can do about that.

I still feel this will give me a better response than email though.

I agree - direct mail is better than email. Especially now that no one is doing it, there is no competition and in some ways has a higher perceived value than email...

Anyways, the reason why any SMART direct mailer would ask you "How is this being sent" is because you want your mail to be opened, read and acted upon.

But without it being opened, how useful do you think all the critiques and hours editing your sales message will be?

For example - standard mail tends to be thrown away vs first class mail...a HUGE difference that could make or break your business...

As for your sales letter, you do need more credibility and start off with something more enticing that will get your reader to KEEP reading... because by the look of your first few sentences, ANY business owner would have thrown away your letter...

Business owners are spammed everyday with cold calls, and sales letters that have the EXACT same type of message you have on your letter.

Go through WSO Of the Day sales letters and read the first 2-3 sentences... notice how most of them don't really introduce themselves and ask people to read the letter...

...instead the letter starts off with something unique and enticing that keeps the reader going.

By simply selling right off the bat all you are going to do is create resistance with your prospect and get your perfectly crafted letter thrown to the trash.

Hope that helps,
DavidG

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rambo9600

12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

Yeah, he has a point, but I'm simply asking for a critique of the actual sales letter.

Even though he's one of the greatest direct mail copywriters in the world, :rolleyes: I don't need his "it sucks" comments. He's too hell bent on finding out how I am mailing the letter rather than critiquing it.

If I wanted to know if my method of delivery was any good, then I would have asked.

Anyway, I plan on sending the letter in a plain white envelope, hand written address with no return label and ATTENT: Business owners name.

Plus a real stamp.

If that doesnt get opened, then oh well, their loss! Nothing I can do about that.

I still feel this will give me a better response than email though.

I am giving you advice on your letter.

Getting the letter OPENED is FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY IN COPY!

If you don't know how to mail the letter (99% here don't) then why would I encourage you to waste money sending a letter that no one is going to read?

Now if answer my question I follow up with advice that only a few members here are capable of doing.

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Mark Andrews

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

Yeah, he has a point, but I'm simply asking for a critique of the actual sales letter.

Even though he's one of the greatest direct mail copywriters in the world, :rolleyes: I don't need his "it sucks" comments. He's too hell bent on finding out how I am mailing the letter rather than critiquing it.

If I wanted to know if my method of delivery was any good, then I would have asked.

Anyway, I plan on sending the letter in a plain white envelope, hand written address with no return label and ATTENT: Business owners name.

Plus a real stamp.

If that doesnt get opened, then oh well, their loss! Nothing I can do about that.

I still feel this will give me a better response than email though.

You've certainly got the wrong attitude.

Sorry... asking copywriters for a critique often gets blunt answers. This isn't personal, you need to listen to us because this is our area of expertise.

I'm staggered by this reply of yours. Truly astonished. Inserting an eyeroll towards Rambo seriously takes the biscuit. And using sarcasm isn't going to get you very far here especially when you're the one asking for help and assistance in the first place.

You then go on to state you're planning on putting this into a plain white envelope with a stamp on in. Well whoopie doo. Gordon Bennet. Stone the crows. Well I never!

And it's their loss, you state, if this doesn't get opened. Say's who? You? Really? Seriously? You honestly believe this?

Boy oh boy, do you need to wake up and smell the roses or what?! This is about as ignorant and as green a comment as I've ever clapped eyes upon coming from a so-called media marketing business.

It's not their loss, it's your loss, not their loss if this envelope doesn't get opened.

Why? Because you'll have wasted your money and your time by not thinking outside the box how best to serve your own needs and ultimately your potential customers needs by getting the envelope opened in the first place.

If your envelope doesn't get opened - you potentially lose money.

Adjust your thinking. Adjust your strategy. Adjust your marketing tactics.

You need to prove why someone should give you their business. If you can't be bothered to go the extra 10% to improve the lives of your potential leads in some way - you need your head seriously examining.

All business only survives by serving the needs of the customer.

Without customers, you have no business. And therefore no profit.

Further, it's the market who decides who stays in business and subsequently makes a profit.

You'll do better IF you remember these very basic business points.

Mark Andrews

Thanks

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AlienChef

12 years ago

I wouldn't say it sucks, but it certainly takes time to get to the point! Get their attention on the first sentence. And be a litte funnier. It's 2012, you don't have to be corporate. Plus it's a web thing so your target audience is no wearing business suits. The bold markup is good, but you could also use CAPS to make important things seem EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.

Cheers,

Thanks

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Without actual profits and a tangible sense of what's financially possible (based on past results)...

...the "business" isn't worth a dime.

Thanks

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travlinguy

12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

I'm sending this letter out today, but thought id get some quick feedback first. Im offering to lease out a website i own.

Here's the letter:

***************************************
05-31-2012

Dear fellow business owner,

My name is Michael Mann owner of Excite Media, a local Dallas based marketing agency.

I'm sending you this letter to inform you of a time sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity that will significantly increase your customer base and profits literally overnight.

Before you blow this off too quickly, there's a website I'd like you to check out first.

It's called www.mywebsite.com, and it's currently ranked on the first page of Google for 3 highly competitive search terms.

These search terms get searched over 500 times per month according to Google and a majority of these potential customers end up visiting this website.

The site was built in November and since March, the calls and emails have been significantly increasing from people inquiring about the service.

These are people who physically typed in and searched for "Laser Hair Removal in Dallas" or “Dallas Laser Hair Removal” or “Laser Hair Removal Dallas” so they are highly motivated and are ready to buy NOW!

What’s really crazy is that the website is only 50% complete, has a fake street address, and even contains incomprehensible text on some of its pages, yet it still churns out phone calls regularly from prospects requesting a consultation.

Just imagine what it could become once the site looks and feels like a real business is behind it and has been customized with your personal style, your photos and text, and your street address. The phone calls and emails could triple instantly.

This is a rare opportunity to take your business and profits to the next level.

Plus, since you offer other spa type services and products, this could easily be scaled up by up-selling these clients (or offering them a package deal). The sky is truly the limit.

It’s a proven fact that 88% of consumers go online first when searching for a local product or service.

If you're looking for a way to increase your online presence TODAY, and start bringing in an average of 20 to 30 new paying customers each month starting this month (June) all on complete autopilot, then give me a call immediately.

I'm leasing the website out to the first caller I get.

The leasing fee is $997 up front (first month) then $350 per month thereafter. This is a steal considering the time and money it would have costed you to build the site and get it to the first page of Google. Not only that, but the number of high quality leads this website spits out will give you a huge ROI (return on investment).

There is a 3 month minimum lease requirement, so no long-term commitments. If you get overwhelmed with customers you can cancel afterwards :-)

On our end, we will continue to do what we do in order for the website to maintain its high rankings. You can rest assured the website isn’t going anywhere.

Call me @ 555.555.6236 right now, before your competitor takes it from you. I've sent this letter to 17 other laser hair removal clinics and spas in the Dallas area as well, so this offer won't last long.

Strictly first come, first served.

Thank you for your time and I hope to speak with you soon.

Regards,

Michael Mann

Owner
Excite Media

P.S. - Think about it, how much profit do you make on a single laser hair removal customer for the first year? Just one or two customers each month pays your leasing fee.

P.P.S. - Call now and get your 4th month free.

Call now 555.555.6236

**************************

Please tell me what you think guys. Thanks!

Your letter lacks a lot of clarity. The person reading it won't know what your offering. And if that's not enough the part above that I've made bold will make them think you're a flake. Don't go bragging about an incomplete site and a fake address. Yeah, that's it. That's how to instill confidence in a potential client. A fake address. Why didn't I think of that years ago? :rolleyes:

Thanks
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aaallday2010

12 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Your letter lacks a lot of clarity. The person reading it won't know what your offering. And if that's not enough the part above that I've made bold will make them think you're a flake. Don't go bragging about an incomplete site and a fake address. Yeah, that's it. That's how to instill confidence in a potential client. A fake address. Why didn't I think of that years ago? :rolleyes:

Thanks for the input. You're right.

But as for the incomplete site, I thought it would show the prospect the larger potential of the site once they took it over. I mean, if it gets calls now, its definately going to increase once real info is put up from a real company. At least that's how I look at it.

Originally Posted by RickDuris

aaallday2010,

Your letter will not be believed.

- Rick Duris

True in some sense, but all they have to do is check for themselves to see the site on the first page of google for many keyword terms. Im pretty sure someone with an ounce of sense can figure out that the website must be getting some type of response.

***************

All in all, I've reworded some things and added graphs, call logs, and traffic stats to "prove" most everything I said.

I've also listed about a dozen other keywords they could verify that Im on the first page for themselves.

I'm sure that these business owners should have some business sense to realize the potential. I'm not selling it for what it has done, just what it could become.

I should be able to lease it out to someone. We'll see. :confused:

Thanks for the comments and suggestions.

Thanks
1 reply

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gjabiz 12 years ago

Originally Posted by aaallday2010

I'm sure that these business owners should have some business sense

They DON'T. And you are asking them to use their imaginations for potential profits. They CAN'T...

as for responding to you...

they WON'T.

gjabiz

PS But, I may be wrong.
- Thanks
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RickDuris

12 years ago

aaallday2010,

Your letter will not be believed.

- Rick Duris

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BudaBrit

12 years ago

Hi,

Now, I am just starting out in the world of copy. I have worked in sales before, and have a background in writing, so I feel I have a lot to offer despite not knowing the exact details of copywriting. But here goes:

Dear fellow business owner,

My name is Michael Mann owner of Excite Media, a local Dallas based marketing agency.

I'm sending you this letter to inform you of a time sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity that will significantly increase your customer base and profits literally overnight.

Before you blow this off too quickly, there's a website I'd like you to check out first.

The letter is in the trash.

Sorry. :p

Personally, Dear fellow business owner is a turn off, then the introduction too. I also feel that the phrase "once in a lifetime" is unlikely to get anyone reading.

You need to identify with the potential client from the very beginning. I do not know what it is you sell until the 15th paragraph! Remember, time is money, so engage them quickly and concisely. Appeal to them by cutting down on unnecessary language, and identifying exactly who this letter is going to - it needs to be more personal.

You need to start with something to grab their attention - 88% of consumers search online first, for example - and build up from there, instead of burying an interesting figure - and the only one! - in the 13th paragraph.

Thanks

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olavlind

12 years ago

Michael,

I have also been subject to some pretty hard hitting comments from the people in here. What you need to remember is there is nothing personal in any of it. Some of the people answering these questions in here has made more money in a month in advertising than some people make in a lifetime. They know what they are talking about.

Problem is, being new at this, you don't know who they are and what they have done to deserve your time and attention. It is also difficult to differentiate the REAL gurus from the wannabees.

What I will do is tell you what I would think and do if I received your letter as a business owner.

First, a busines owner mainly has his mind on his business, how to solve the everyday problems, how to make things go smoother, how to make more money, how to sell more stuff, what did John do with the offer you made him etc.

Then he receives a plain white envelope in the mail with no identification marks whatsoever.

That's when I think:

"Who sends out plain white envelopes nowadays?...hmmm, what could this be...bank?...nope, lawyer?...nope, my aunt?...maybe, who died?...oh my god, what did I do wrong now?"

That is not the mindset of a future customer, and definitely not a mindset that makes me want to open the letter.

Then I open it anyway with my mind wallawing in all sorts of doomesday stuff.

Dear fellow business owner,

Oh my god...A BAD SALESMAN!

My name is Michael Mann owner of Excite Media, a local Dallas based marketing agency.

Already have an ad agency thankyouverrymuch, and they are sucking me dry already...

I'm sending you this letter to inform you of a time sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity that will significantly increase your customer base and profits literally overnight.

"Time sensitive...lottery...once in a lifetime...lottery yup...increase customer base...hmm...profits overnight...What is this guy on..."

Before you blow this off too quickly, there's a website I'd like you to check out first.

"I DON'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE! I don't have time to play around on the internet!"

It's called www.mywebsite.com, and it's currently ranked on the first page of Google for 3 highly competitive search terms.

"Ok, good for you, but what does that have to do with me?"

These search terms get searched over 500 times per month according to Google and a majority of these potential customers end up visiting this website.

"yada yada yada...yeah right..."

The site was built in November and since March, the calls and emails have been significantly increasing from people inquiring about the service.

"Trash..."

This is My Thought on the subject. If you can use any of it, or if it can help you in any way, good.

If not, just forget it.

~Olav

P.S.: The two most powerful words in advertising are the words "Yeah Right". Never make a prospect even think them.

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1 reply

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jimbo13

12 years ago

Originally Posted by olavlind

Then he receives a plain white envelope in the mail with no identification marks whatsoever.

"Who sends out plain white envelopes nowadays?...hmmm, what could this be...bank?...nope, lawyer?...nope, my aunt?...maybe, who died?...oh my god, what did I do wrong now?"

That is not the mindset of a future customer, and definitely not a mindset that makes me want to open the letter.

I've seen this written by Copywriters all the time about the envelope and how it should look to get opened but (I'm not a copywriter) I am struggling to believe this.

I'll explain why rather than just say it as a throwaway comment and I would be interested to know why it is wrong.

Everyday millions of people all around the world write letters to companies to complain.

And none of them are thinking about what the envelope should look like or how it will be delivered.

They just write a letter, stick it in a white envelope and put a stamp on it.

That is it.

No return addresses or anything like that. No guessing what companies do when they recieve mail.

And barring the postman losing it the companies will always open it because they have no idea what is inside it.

It is then that they decide what to do with it.

So I sort of understand aaaldays comment even though it was flippant.

It is the ones that do have writing on the outside that get binned the most because you know it is 'junk' before you even open it unless it is from someone you already deal with.

So what is this fascination with envelopes that only Copywriters seem to have overthinking how mail is opened?

FedEx me some lumpy mail I will open it. Send me the same letter in an envelope with my name on it and I will still open it.

So what gives?

Dan

PS: I agree his letter is not that good and would get binned.

Thanks

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DavidG

12 years ago

Originally Posted by RunAStartup Tom

Wow you guys are incredible helpers. I think this is the first forum I've encountered where you have an insatiable lust to serious help... even after the OP "felt offended" or did not accept advice openly.

Personally, I would be embarrassed then grateful for such advice.

I think you just made Mark Andrews day....

David

P.S. - Longtime lurker...

Thanks
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RickDuris 12 years ago

aaallinday2010,

I appreciate your ambition.

However, your direct mail cluelessness is obvious to the veterans here.

But you ARE right. Rather than listen to us, you should fire off your letter. Give it best efforts. Let the market decide.

What have you got to lose? Except a couple of bucks.

Good luck,

- Rick Duris
- Thanks
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RedShifted

12 years ago

Seems you spent just as much time writing this as you did to pick your forum name (no offense but lets be real).

You broke so many rules I can't even count.
Like "before you blow this off too quickly", that is one of the most insecure things you can say in a letter.

I wouldn't even introduce yourself till the end of the letter. You need to focus on baiting your person to read, and everything your writing seems to do the exact opposite.

Take this for instance:

I'm sending you this letter to inform you of a time sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity that will significantly increase your customer base and profits literally overnight.

"time sensitive"?
"once in a lifetime opportunity"?
"literally overnight"?

Ehh... let me ask you a question. Are you trying to script some crappy infomerical, or are you trying to competently build a solid case for your service/product?

All this crap you're using now will do NOTHING but take value away from what your selling.

THIS IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY SO JUST BUY MY ****!!

Thats what your whole letter reads like.

Heres a plan for you. Go open up Dan Kennedies Ultimate Salesletter book, and actually read it.

THEN, rewrite this entire letter from soup to nuts. I would NOT even try editing it because honestly, nothing about it worked for me.

You seem to be having a problem stepping outside your observing ego, and into the egos of other people. Just IMAGINE what you would feel like if someone sent you this letter, you'd think it was a joke. When I got to the part about "incomprehensible" text, and fake addresses, but "still churns out calls regularly", you NEED to understand what you're actually communicating to people.

That does NOT sound professional!

You sound like a scammer!!

"Great, so this guy obviously doesn't give a **** about me looking good, he just wants to get our business calls". Thats honestly how I see the customer reading it.

If they've ever heard the term "blackhat" thats probably the first thing they would think.
Since they probably don't know the term, their equivalent will be "scammer".

Its one thing to make mistakes in your copy, its a totally different thing to come off like a scammer.

So that should convey to you HOW MUCH work I feel you need to put into not just your writing, but your thinking too.

Good luck - Red

Thanks

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Pretty Please Critique My Direct Mail Sales Letter

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