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  • Profile picture of the author alfid
    It's not bad at all. Great job so far. Just keep proofreading it until it is 100% free of any grammar or spelling errors if it's not already. I only have the same complaint about yours that I have about all sales letters...why do they have to be sooo long? I'd like to start creating some shorter ones. LOL
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Marcus,

    Your copy struggled to hold my attention as it's all over the place - it needs simplifying and you must make the offer clear, at the moment I'm not sure exactly what I'd be getting for my money or what it's going to do for me.

    Think about what the "big promise" is for your offer, in other words, if someone buys and takes action, what will be the ultimate end result? Then make that the focus of the copy.

    Your green/blue color scheme doesn't stand out enough.

    The headline and deck take up way too much space and there's nothing there to differentiate your offer from the countless other make money ads.

    If you're going to put a video in some of the most valuable screen space in your ad you need to at least tell me why I should watch it.

    Get rid of that header graphic immediately.

    Use more subheads to break up your body copy and make it easier to scan.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Your headline is very weak...write a new headline.

    Stop using *****. That's just a stop message to the reader...severely interferes the flow of the copy.

    Your images don't add anything...they're just annoying and cutesy....but cutesy doesn't sell.

    Rewrite your first few paragraphs...they're about you...not about the prospect. You will lose a ton of readers right there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chronic IM
    Hello! The sales page seem to be neat. Just needs a lot of checking for errors and simplifying and clearing things up. Try and make a powerful and catchy headline for that's the first element that attracts readers and may be customers.
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  • Marcus- here's a few random comments:
    --everybody likes the Success Kid photo but we've seen it on every other Facebook avatar for two years.
    --be more conversational. Would you really say to a friend, "Prepare to be given a report that has the ability to unbridle your true potential...," or, "Claim your vision..."?
    --this is probably just me but the word "whilst" sounds a little too Buckingham Palace.
    --as Andrew said, what is the one thing you want to communicate?

    Hope that helps.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
      Here's all I'm going to say.

      I reviewed your sales page according to my
      past tests in this space:

      I jumped from one idea to the next with zero direction and I couldn't make that first sale, never mind the 's I thought I would make when I started out.

      But today I am a successful online marketer. I generate a significant, sustainable income online that allows me to choose my ideal lifestyle.
      You leapt from 1 sentence of building
      rapport to immediately switching over. The
      "zero turns hero" story doesn't seem to
      transit well at all. (it's too sudden)

      It doesn't hurt to empathize more with the
      prospect. Empathizing more, building more
      rapport, talking more about their situation
      tells the reader...

      "Hey, it's not about me here. It's you I'm
      concerned about..."

      With my simple, step by step blueprint you will discover how to do the same. Avoid my mistakes and take the direct route to profit, with customer value at the centre of the entire process.
      I would have comments if you received this
      via a different kind of traffic, but since it's a
      WSO, I assume your ideal prospects
      wandering into this forum will already have
      the following things in their head:

      - I'm going to be seeing a salespage
      - I'm probably going to buy a product if it's
      good

      What you lack here, is a successive building
      of your case. Ever heard of "reason why"
      copy?

      Always either: Elaborate on the claim that
      you make OR provide undeniable proof that it
      works. The technique's known in journalism
      as the 5Ws and 1H.

      Or, it's also known in deeper detail, discussed
      by Schwartz, as "gradualization".

      It means starting off where your prospect is
      from your first claim, then giving proof/reasons.

      Then you continue with the second claim,
      which uses your first claim as proof.

      Then you continue with the 3rd, 4th, 5th claims
      by building off the previous point, and
      strengthening your case with proof factors.

      Eventually, you'll want to build your case
      towards your conclusion.

      ---

      I most definitely can't tell you exactly what will
      convert for your offer - and the solution to
      knowing that is simply to keep setting up
      split tests.



      Winston Tian
      Signature

      Cheers,
      Winston
      The Beginner's Doctor

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  • Profile picture of the author BrainCopy
    Your bullet points are also very weak. You create no intrigue or fascinations
    with your bullets.
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  • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
    I really appreciate your replies, thanks so much, I'm off to work again.

    Should have outsourced Not my strong suit.

    Marcus
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    • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
      Originally Posted by marcus100 View Post

      I really appreciate your replies, thanks so much, I'm off to work again.

      Should have outsourced Not my strong suit.

      Marcus
      Sup Marcus,

      It would be a great idea to outsource, of
      course...And of course to continuously split
      test your ads.

      Conversion's a process, not a one-off thing.
      At least you're moving in the right direction.

      Winston Tian
      Signature

      Cheers,
      Winston
      The Beginner's Doctor

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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    Hello Marcus

    Warning straight talker. Nothing personal. All I'm interested in is helping you.

    This sales page... it's hellishly boring. And the offer... about as clear as mud.

    It needs ruthless editing this sales copy. There's far too much fluff and clutter.

    Your readers they're going to be asking themselves one question only... "What's in this for me?"

    And are you delivering what they want succinctly and clearly so they can perfectly understand what you're trying to give them? No.

    From the daft use of the headline/s at the top of the page all the way through the body / main thrust of your apparent offer everything needs to be restructured differently.

    But I suspect this still isn't the real problem...

    What I suspect is the real problem, correct me if I'm wrong but I think whatever it is I would receive for parting with my cash, your product is a right load of cobblers. A polite way of saying it's probably a load of *hit. Complete hogwash.

    Anyone who takes this long to try to explain what the product is without actually getting to the real meat of the offer is sending out the clear signal... I just just flung this info together hoping by gum somebody somewhere will find some value in it.

    People don't want to be told why most Internet marketers fail. They don't want to know about restraints. Hurdles. Obstacles. What they do want is a bloody good solution to the pain and frustration they're going through.

    Are you delivering this to them or not? And if the answer is in the affirmative, that yes you are, why the hell are you not focusing on your benefits a lot sooner?

    Why are you leaving it so long to get to the point of what your offer, what your product is all about?

    Stick it in the trash and start again. And the product itself, if there is one, one which actually provides a real working solution to why most online marketers fail...

    ...rewrite this too and keep your focus on delivering working solutions to struggling online marketers.

    For example...

    If you're suffering from information overload here's your personal solution...

    (Insert hard hitting straight talking advice here).

    Now repeat this process focusing on each of the problems a struggling marketer is likely facing 'on the ground'.

    Remember, your target market they're looking for solutions to their problem/s not re-emphasis of why things aren't working for them. They already know things are are not going according to plan. They don't need to be told this. They want a benefit. A way, a method out of the vicious circle they're currently experiencing.

    As regards the rest of the elements within your sales copy, subheadlines etc, use of storytelling, writing in the 3rd person with an emphasis on the use of 'you' and 'your' go buy yourself Joseph Sugarman's book - The Adweek Copywriting Handbook and apply the principles contained within it to your own copywriting in the future.

    It's going to be easier for you to ditch this project in it's current form truth be told.

    Simply start again and keep all of the above points in mind including some of the salient points driven home by one or two of the guys above this post. Winston Tian provides you with some solid advice for example. (Compounding and strengthening your sales pitch for better results). And Andrew Gould too above him. Take their advice on board and apply it.

    Best,


    Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

      What I suspect is the real problem, correct me if I'm wrong but I think whatever it is I would receive for parting with my cash, your product is a right load of cobblers. A polite way of saying it's probably a load of *hit. Complete hogwash.
      And you say that without having read it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
    Yes thanks for all your comments and suggestions, particularly the time spent trying to help me.

    Fortunately the product is excellent and a reflection of my actual experiences in business over the last 15 years. I have been self employed and built up a good business and I have learned to transfer that to the online world.

    What I suspect is the real problem, correct me if I'm wrong but I think whatever it is I would receive for parting with my cash, your product is a right load of cobblers. A polite way of saying it's probably a load of *hit. Complete hogwash.

    Anyone who takes this long to try to explain what the product is without actually getting to the real meat of the offer is sending out the clear signal... I just just flung this info together hoping by gum somebody somewhere will find some value in it.
    When I first read the above I felt a little offended but actually that is a misplacement of my feelings. My product is solid, extremely helpful to the majority of IMs and something I am proud of - because it is my direct experience.

    I will take all suggestions on board and I appreciate your time spent.

    Marcus
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Do you mind sending over the product Marcus to me?

      Email address is immediately below my username (top left).

      If this product is as solid as you say it is and it provides truly beneficial advice which your readers can act on to move them away from frustration and pain to their ideal solution, if this is the case this sales copy is really letting you down. But you know this already.

      If I have the product in front of me, I might be able to help you to draw up some very clear well defined benefits for your sales copy to focus in on like a laser.

      No obligation, simply contact me if you want to and I'll be more than happy to share some free advice with you on how best to position this. I'm glad you didn't take offense at my words above, of course they weren't placed in there to cause you any.

      My only interest is in helping you - no other reason.

      Kindest regards,


      Mark Andrews
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      • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
        HI Andrew I will send you a copy for your thoughts.

        I am PM ings you now.

        Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Marcus,

    I read your copy. Watched your video. But, I haven't bought your product.

    Here's your problem in a nutshell: You don't understand your market.

    The majority don't own businesses. The last thing folks on the Warrior Forum want is a business.

    They just want money. They want the money NOW, and they want it to be easy. Truth is, they don't even want to work for it.

    I'm not disparaging folks here. It's just the facts of the matter.

    Yes, you're right most are struggling. But they're not struggling with their business--they are struggling making money. It's a huge distinction.

    As a result, your piece is a non-starter.

    Writing this kind of reminds me of the semi-famous direct response ad: The Lazy Man's Way to Riches. And How I Made $XX,XXX at My Kitchen Table in My Underwear.

    Notice the difference with your headline?
    ----

    Are You Still Struggling To
    Make Money Online?

    * * *

    Discover How I Make An
    Average Of $1000 Per Week
    From Just One Business

    * * *

    ...Whilst Working Less
    Hours And Enjoying
    More Free Time

    with my simple step by step blueprint

    ...And give your business
    what it needs...

    ----

    The upshot is your WSO's missed the mark. No amount of clever copywriting is going to salvage.

    Good luck on your next one.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: There are 5 other major things that are wrong with this piece, but correcting those would be a waste of time without dealing with the real problem.
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    • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
      Marcus,

      I read your copy. Watched your video. But, I haven't bought your product.

      Here's your problem in a nutshell: You don't understand your market.

      The majority don't own businesses. The last thing folks on the Warrior Forum want is a business.

      They just want money. They want the money NOW, and they want it to be easy. Truth is, they don't even want to work for it.

      I'm not disparaging folks here. It's just the facts of the matter.

      Yes, you're right most are struggling. But they're not struggling with their business--they are struggling making money. It's a huge distinction.

      As a result, your piece is a non-starter.
      Thanks for the continued comment guys.

      I need to challenge the above quote. I understand the market perfectly. The reason why many fail is because they just want money and they don't view their IM life as a business. This is the route of their problems and my report demonstrates that and directs people to a step by step solution.

      The sales page is a non starter, I have established that from this thread and my lack of sales, split tests etc.

      Fortunately the product is 100% solid. My direct experience, which does not lie. Everyone who has read the product has loved it. NO BS crap.


      For me personally, this thead has been beneficial but also goes beyond its primary purpose. It seems quite unfair that individuals would criticize a product they have not even read. Simply judging a product from a sales letter indicates a rather single minded perspective and I am surprised people feel comfortable writing off something they have not experienced.

      Thanks

      Marcus
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
        Banned
        Rick Duris and Mark Pescetti are both actually absolutely spot on the money Marcus. Both of these guys are exceptionally gifted copywriters and highly successful savvy businessmen. They know exactly what they're talking about.

        Now, I've had a chance to read this product offered up by Marcus as a WSO. And I've got to say, the product itself, the information it contains... is pretty damn good. Excellent in fact. Much better than a lot of the dross we see come our way as pro copywriters.

        The only thing which is failing massively here is the copywriting. The positioning. How this guide is explained. It's missing the mark by a mile. And the WSO thread title needs scrapping and replacing with something more appropriate.

        The sales copy needs to be scrapped straightaway, no question about it. Started over from fresh. Only this time a laser like focus on the problem solved which this guide brings to the table. In fact, it's not a guide as such, more a short report / hotsheet. 31 pages in length if you excuse the rather large text size used within it.

        It's actually a very good plan identifying one of the key problems of many failing Internet marketers. And truth be told there are many offline business owners who could greatly benefit from this advice too.

        It doesn't just explain the problem, it actually provides a really good working plan which the reader can implement almost instantly when planning or restructuring their on or offline business.

        Essentially it's a psychological switch clearly demonstrating how one mindset yields a certain response from the market and how another more effective strategy can bring about really good positive change for the individual who buys it.

        I actually love it. For beginners to business especially, it's a veritable goldmine of information. And at $17 is priced right on the money.

        Gordon Alexander would love something like this and I actually do recommend the two of them hook up and soon. They could benefit both of them greatly I'm sure. Glenn Osborn too. And a few other top level marketers spring to mind who would do well to present this offer to their lists even if only to cement further credibility in one of their own offers, if not for the actual profit potential itself at this price point.

        Mind you having said that, if Marcus expanded this greatly, I'm pretty sure he has in the making a $497+ product on his hands which many top level affiliates would absolutely love to their hands on to promote online.

        Warmest regards,


        Mark Andrews
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by marcus100 View Post

        I need to challenge the above quote. I understand the market perfectly. The reason why many fail is because they just want money and they don't view their IM life as a business. This is the route of their problems and my report demonstrates that and directs people to a step by step solution.
        Marcus, I agree with you. WF folks SHOULD treat their online money making activities as a business.

        But you're proving my point. You just haven't figured it out for yourself yet.

        You're trying to sell to a market that doesn't care or want what you've got.

        They don't have a business. They don't want a business. They don't want anything to do with a business.

        Now that you explained yourself further, here's what you're trying to do:

        You're trying to evangelize the WF market.

        Bad idea.Ain't gonna work.Waste of time. But go ahead, knock yourself out.

        Let me give it to you short and sweet:

        Strike the word "business" from your piece.

        - Rick Duris

        PS: I didn't criticize your product whatsoever. Never seen it. Maybe it's great. Mark says it's solid.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Sup Marcus!

    I'll be brief...

    You start saying that IM's can make an average profit of $1000 per week...

    ...but then you straight away admit it was only a few months ago that you utilized your blueprint to the fullest.

    So the claim comes across as unbelievable (not in a good way) to anyone that's paying attention.

    I also feel that you need to really hone in upon your brand. It's not there yet.

    You say "simple IM blueprint"... But you're not giving it an official brand name and message. When you remedy that, your benefits will stick in your prospect's minds much more effectively.

    Messages like:

    Who Would Honestly Believe That You Could Make $1,000’s Each and Every Day Using Some Automated System While the Rest of the World Had to Go Out and Actually “Work” 40 Hours a Week for a Fraction of the Money?
    And...

    "There is No 'Automated' Magic System or Short-Cut To Internet Millions and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is Lying to You—No Exceptions."
    They don't have the impact they should. You need to massively up your formatting.

    Give them a proper H2 (sub-headline) look and feel!

    Okay...

    Here's where you lose me:

    Realize the mental blocks that hold you back from achieving your goals. Uncover the REAL restraints in your business that prevents you from making money.
    Are we diving into mindset?

    If so, preface WHY the way we think determines our results BEFORE getting into restraints (a.k.a. self-imposed limitations and beliefs) or you'll lose the sale right there.

    You also fail to generate any sense of real consequence.

    I want to feel like walking away from this letter would be the dumbest thing I've ever done.

    You need to make sure you're letting me know how important it is to stick with you.

    Tell me this is the one single letter that'll change my life and FINALLY reveal the financial results I so desperately want.

    Make sure I understand that if I DO walk away, I'm leaving a ton of money on the table.

    Here is a taste of what you will discover in my step by step blueprint report:
    Again... where's the brand?!?!

    After the testimonials, when you go into what the report covers, the subjects fail to stand out. Because like I said, your formatting isn't doing you any favors.

    Then you go into more mindset stuff, without really hitting any major emotional triggers.

    Epic fail.

    People won't read it.

    You need to explain your position.

    What is my mindset? Why is it important? How does it correlate with your product?

    You also don't succeed at even really trying to animate the lifestyle that failing Internet Marketers WILL have... if they follow your (still un-branded) blueprint.

    Dive into financial freedom, what it means and how your blueprint provides sustainable profits - so the reader believes that with your IM SOLUTION, they'll have the ability to count on a certain way of life.

    Basically...

    You need to start over.

    Beginning with really being deliberate about the emotions you're targeting.

    Good luck!

    Mark Pescetti

    P.S. Hire a graphic designer and get those headline punching me in the face!
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  • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
    Hey thank you Mark.

    I will reflect on the comments of Rick Durdis and Mark Andrews and find their true meanings in respect to my WSO. If there is lesson to be learnt I will learn it. I understand that both members are trying to help, though I took the comments of Rick as a little offensive when I first read them - my mistake! No hard feelings I'm sure.

    Yes, my attempt (first ever) of a sales letter is shameful. I certainly should have outsourced, and will do so with Mark right away. He has kindly offered to assist me with this process.

    It's funny isn't it. I expected just a few replies to this thread, hoping for a little review and constructive information to help me move forward.

    Instead I have been given years of experience and knowledge, all dealt with a genuine sense of support.

    This forum continues to be my biggest online resource.

    Thank you for taking the time and making the effort. Especially Mark Andrews.
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  • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
    Thanks for the heads up.

    I will remove 'business' right away.

    Perhaps your right on my attempt to convert. Interesting point and one I will look at right away - The last thing I want is to mislead anyone.

    Great!
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      I appreciate your open mindedness. And your desire to try stuff.

      Focus on getting your WSO thread title and your headline right. That's 80% of the battle. Use curiousity liberally.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Marcus Rockey
    Thanks for your advise Rick. I will be using it all throughout.

    Regards

    Marcus
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