It's not bad at all. Great job so far. Just keep proofreading it until it is 100% free of any grammar or spelling errors if it's not already. I only have the same complaint about yours that I have about all sales letters...why do they have to be sooo long? I'd like to start creating some shorter ones. LOL

Hi Marcus,

Your copy struggled to hold my attention as it's all over the place - it needs simplifying and you must make the offer clear, at the moment I'm not sure exactly what I'd be getting for my money or what it's going to do for me.

Think about what the "big promise" is for your offer, in other words, if someone buys and takes action, what will be the ultimate end result? Then make that the focus of the copy.

Your green/blue color scheme doesn't stand out enough.

The headline and deck take up way too much space and there's nothing there to differentiate your offer from the countless other make money ads.

If you're going to put a video in some of the most valuable screen space in your ad you need to at least tell me why I should watch it.

Get rid of that header graphic immediately.

Use more subheads to break up your body copy and make it easier to scan.

Your headline is very weak...write a new headline.

Stop using *****. That's just a stop message to the reader...severely interferes the flow of the copy.

Your images don't add anything...they're just annoying and cutesy....but cutesy doesn't sell.

Rewrite your first few paragraphs...they're about you...not about the prospect. You will lose a ton of readers right there.

Hello! The sales page seem to be neat. Just needs a lot of checking for errors and simplifying and clearing things up. Try and make a powerful and catchy headline for that's the first element that attracts readers and may be customers.

Marcus- here's a few random comments:
--everybody likes the Success Kid photo but we've seen it on every other Facebook avatar for two years.
--be more conversational. Would you really say to a friend, "Prepare to be given a report that has the ability to unbridle your true potential...," or, "Claim your vision..."?
--this is probably just me but the word "whilst" sounds a little too Buckingham Palace.
--as Andrew said, what is the one thing you want to communicate?

Hope that helps.

Your bullet points are also very weak. You create no intrigue or fascinations
with your bullets.

I really appreciate your replies, thanks so much, I'm off to work again.

Should have outsourced Not my strong suit.

Marcus

Hello Marcus

Warning straight talker. Nothing personal. All I'm interested in is helping you.

This sales page... it's hellishly boring. And the offer... about as clear as mud.

It needs ruthless editing this sales copy. There's far too much fluff and clutter.

Your readers they're going to be asking themselves one question only... "What's in this for me?"

And are you delivering what they want succinctly and clearly so they can perfectly understand what you're trying to give them? No.

From the daft use of the headline/s at the top of the page all the way through the body / main thrust of your apparent offer everything needs to be restructured differently.

But I suspect this still isn't the real problem...

What I suspect is the real problem, correct me if I'm wrong but I think whatever it is I would receive for parting with my cash, your product is a right load of cobblers. A polite way of saying it's probably a load of *hit. Complete hogwash.

Anyone who takes this long to try to explain what the product is without actually getting to the real meat of the offer is sending out the clear signal... I just just flung this info together hoping by gum somebody somewhere will find some value in it.

People don't want to be told why most Internet marketers fail. They don't want to know about restraints. Hurdles. Obstacles. What they do want is a bloody good solution to the pain and frustration they're going through.

Are you delivering this to them or not? And if the answer is in the affirmative, that yes you are, why the hell are you not focusing on your benefits a lot sooner?

Why are you leaving it so long to get to the point of what your offer, what your product is all about?

Stick it in the trash and start again. And the product itself, if there is one, one which actually provides a real working solution to why most online marketers fail...

...rewrite this too and keep your focus on delivering working solutions to struggling online marketers.

For example...

If you're suffering from information overload here's your personal solution...

(Insert hard hitting straight talking advice here).

Now repeat this process focusing on each of the problems a struggling marketer is likely facing 'on the ground'.

Remember, your target market they're looking for solutions to their problem/s not re-emphasis of why things aren't working for them. They already know things are are not going according to plan. They don't need to be told this. They want a benefit. A way, a method out of the vicious circle they're currently experiencing.

As regards the rest of the elements within your sales copy, subheadlines etc, use of storytelling, writing in the 3rd person with an emphasis on the use of 'you' and 'your' go buy yourself Joseph Sugarman's book - The Adweek Copywriting Handbook and apply the principles contained within it to your own copywriting in the future.

It's going to be easier for you to ditch this project in it's current form truth be told.

Simply start again and keep all of the above points in mind including some of the salient points driven home by one or two of the guys above this post. Winston Tian provides you with some solid advice for example. (Compounding and strengthening your sales pitch for better results). And Andrew Gould too above him. Take their advice on board and apply it.

Best,


Mark Andrews

Yes thanks for all your comments and suggestions, particularly the time spent trying to help me.

Fortunately the product is excellent and a reflection of my actual experiences in business over the last 15 years. I have been self employed and built up a good business and I have learned to transfer that to the online world.

When I first read the above I felt a little offended but actually that is a misplacement of my feelings. My product is solid, extremely helpful to the majority of IMs and something I am proud of - because it is my direct experience.

I will take all suggestions on board and I appreciate your time spent.

Marcus

Marcus,

I read your copy. Watched your video. But, I haven't bought your product.

Here's your problem in a nutshell: You don't understand your market.

The majority don't own businesses. The last thing folks on the Warrior Forum want is a business.


I'm not disparaging folks here. It's just the facts of the matter.

Yes, you're right most are struggling. But they're not struggling with their business--they are struggling making money. It's a huge distinction.

As a result, your piece is a non-starter.

Writing this kind of reminds me of the semi-famous direct response ad: The Lazy Man's Way to Riches. And How I Made $XX,XXX at My Kitchen Table in My Underwear.

Notice the difference with your headline?
----

Are You Still Struggling To
Make Money Online?

* * *

Discover How I Make An
Average Of $1000 Per Week
From Just One Business

* * *

...Whilst Working Less
Hours And Enjoying
More Free Time

with my simple step by step blueprint

...And give your business
what it needs...

----

The upshot is your WSO's missed the mark. No amount of clever copywriting is going to salvage.

Good luck on your next one.

- Rick Duris

PS: There are 5 other major things that are wrong with this piece, but correcting those would be a waste of time without dealing with the real problem.

Sup Marcus!

I'll be brief...

You start saying that IM's can make an average profit of $1000 per week...

...but then you straight away admit it was only a few months ago that you utilized your blueprint to the fullest.

So the claim comes across as unbelievable (not in a good way) to anyone that's paying attention.

I also feel that you need to really hone in upon your brand. It's not there yet.

You say "simple IM blueprint"... But you're not giving it an official brand name and message. When you remedy that, your benefits will stick in your prospect's minds much more effectively.

Messages like:

And...

They don't have the impact they should. You need to massively up your formatting.

Give them a proper H2 (sub-headline) look and feel!

Okay...

Here's where you lose me:

Are we diving into mindset?

If so, preface WHY the way we think determines our results BEFORE getting into restraints (a.k.a. self-imposed limitations and beliefs) or you'll lose the sale right there.

You also fail to generate any sense of real consequence.

I want to feel like walking away from this letter would be the dumbest thing I've ever done.

You need to make sure you're letting me know how important it is to stick with you.

Tell me this is the one single letter that'll change my life and FINALLY reveal the financial results I so desperately want.

Make sure I understand that if I DO walk away, I'm leaving a ton of money on the table.

Again... where's the brand?!?!

After the testimonials, when you go into what the report covers, the subjects fail to stand out. Because like I said, your formatting isn't doing you any favors.

Then you go into more mindset stuff, without really hitting any major emotional triggers.

Epic fail.

People won't read it.

You need to explain your position.

What is my mindset? Why is it important? How does it correlate with your product?

You also don't succeed at even really trying to animate the lifestyle that failing Internet Marketers WILL have... if they follow your (still un-branded) blueprint.

Dive into financial freedom, what it means and how your blueprint provides sustainable profits - so the reader believes that with your IM SOLUTION, they'll have the ability to count on a certain way of life.

Basically...

You need to start over.

Beginning with really being deliberate about the emotions you're targeting.

Good luck!

Mark Pescetti

P.S. Hire a graphic designer and get those headline punching me in the face!

Hey thank you Mark.

I will reflect on the comments of Rick Durdis and Mark Andrews and find their true meanings in respect to my WSO. If there is lesson to be learnt I will learn it. I understand that both members are trying to help, though I took the comments of Rick as a little offensive when I first read them - my mistake! No hard feelings I'm sure.

Yes, my attempt (first ever) of a sales letter is shameful. I certainly should have outsourced, and will do so with Mark right away. He has kindly offered to assist me with this process.

It's funny isn't it. I expected just a few replies to this thread, hoping for a little review and constructive information to help me move forward.

Instead I have been given years of experience and knowledge, all dealt with a genuine sense of support.

This forum continues to be my biggest online resource.

Thank you for taking the time and making the effort. Especially Mark Andrews.

Thanks for the heads up.

I will remove 'business' right away.

Perhaps your right on my attempt to convert. Interesting point and one I will look at right away - The last thing I want is to mislead anyone.

Great!

Thanks for your advise Rick. I will be using it all throughout.

Regards

Marcus