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First-time copywriter looking for criticism

by LloydC
13 replies
Hey warriors!

I've been writing normal/seo articles for a while and I thought I'd try my hand at copy writing to expand my repertoire. I've been reading over AWAI's stuff and got Randy Gage's "copywriting stud" book and have just finished reading it(only skimmed, will definately go over it again and a third time)

Here is my first attempt at a sort of opt-in/sales page: URL reverted back to normal site

I didn't do any bullet points as I'd be going over the clients website and giving him a custom report, and then go from there with selling. I tried my best to keep it short, personal and invoke emotion, but even I can tell I've still got a long road ahead to becoming truly great.

Obviously you've gotta be critiqued to learn from mistakes, so go ahead
#copywriter #criticism #firsttime
  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    hey Lloyd,

    I'd change the headline... right now the line" Went From Seeing Red Every Month" ...
    that can have a couple of different meanings.

    your intent, of course, is "red" meaning they're losing money... as opposed to being in the black.

    but seeing red also means being so angry, you're overcome with emotion... you're seeing red.

    in this situation, that may also apply, but i'd change the headline anyways...

    "I Will Give You... Word for Word... the One Paragraph I Put on My Site that Took Me From the Verge of Bankruptcy... to Having More Business than I Can Handle"

    "Discover the One Paragraph I Put on My Site that Took Me From Zero in Sales and Dead Broke... To Doubling my Sales, Profits, and Cash Flow in 2 Weeks"

    Free Report Reveals, Word for Word, the One Single Paragraph I Put on My Site That Earned Me and Extra $28,565 in Profits and Saved Me From Bankruptcy"

    Lloyd, those are just examples off the top of my head, but i'd change the use of red in your headline to make it less confusing.

    the Verge of Bankruptcy... to Having More Business than I Can Handle"
    Signature
    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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    • Profile picture of the author LloydC
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      hey Lloyd,

      I'd change the headline... right now the line" Went From Seeing Red Every Month" ...
      that can have a couple of different meanings.

      your intent, of course, is "red" meaning they're losing money... as opposed to being in the black.

      but seeing red also means being so angry, you're overcome with emotion... you're seeing red.

      in this situation, that may also apply, but i'd change the headline anyways...

      "I Will Give You... Word for Word... the One Paragraph I Put on My Site that Took Me From the Verge of Bankruptcy... to Having More Business than I Can Handle"

      "Discover the One Paragraph I Put on My Site that Took Me From Zero in Sales and Dead Broke... To Doubling my Sales, Profits, and Cash Flow in 2 Weeks"

      Free Report Reveals, Word for Word, the One Single Paragraph I Put on My Site That Earned Me and Extra $28,565 in Profits and Saved Me From Bankruptcy"

      Lloyd, those are just examples off the top of my head, but i'd change the use of red in your headline to make it less confusing.

      the Verge of Bankruptcy... to Having More Business than I Can Handle"
      Ahh, that makes sense, guess I'll go over the headline chapter again now, I didn't put a subheading in as I didn't feel that it fit in. Any thoughts on that? And how's about the rest of the copy? Also looking at that book sticky now, lots of reading to catch up on haha.

      Cheers.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Hi Lloyd,

    Not a bad attempt for the first time around, but as expected
    you have made some basic mistakes which I went ahead
    and pointed out for you.

    See the attached document.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Lloyd,

    Here's a few quick thoughts for you:

    Your headline doesn't appear to relate to the rest of the copy.

    There's nothing there to make me believe you know what you're doing.

    Some of your sentences are too long.

    You abuse the apostrophe.

    And I don't know what you're offering.

    Hope that helps.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author LloydC
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Hi Lloyd,

      Not a bad attempt for the first time around, but as expected
      you have made some basic mistakes which I went ahead
      and pointed out for you.

      See the attached document.

      -Ray Edwards
      Wow amazing, thanks a lot! You've made my mistakes really clear, I learnt a lot from just reading your first few corrections. Guess I was a bit too informal in parts and just making obviously basic copy mistakes(which I know now of). Do you want anything in return for this? I feel kinda bad just taking it.

      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hi Lloyd,

      Here's a few quick thoughts for you:

      Your headline doesn't appear to relate to the rest of the copy.

      There's nothing there to make me believe you know what you're doing.

      Some of your sentences are too long.

      You abuse the apostrophe.

      And I don't know what you're offering.

      Hope that helps.
      How do you mean "abuse the apostrophe"? Could I get a little more clarification on that part(as to why it's bad etc)? Thanks too
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by LloydC View Post

        How do you mean "abuse the apostrophe"? Could I get a little more clarification on that part(as to why it's bad etc)? Thanks too
        Sure, I meant you've used an apostrophe where you shouldn't, and you've not used one where you should.

        Why is that bad? The misuse of basic punctuation gives a poor impression of anyone claiming to be a copywriter. Plus, by altering the meaning of words you can potentially confuse the reader, which is something you most definitely do not want to do.
        Signature

        Andrew Gould

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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by LloydC View Post

        Wow amazing, thanks a lot! You've made my mistakes really clear, I learnt a lot from just reading your first few corrections. Guess I was a bit too informal in parts and just making obviously basic copy mistakes(which I know now of). Do you want anything in return for this? I feel kinda bad just taking it.
        Glad you benefited from the critique, but the forum is here to help
        others and learn from each other. I was helped bu other people
        when I first started out so I'm just passing on the tradition.

        At the same time, when you write for a product you want to
        give your prospects the same feeling--you give so much
        value he feels he is robbing you.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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        • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
          Non - Copywriter alert here.

          I didn't really understand what it was all about to be honest.

          At the end you say there is nothing to invest in whatever it is and then say I have a 60 day money back guarantee to return a free report.

          Why would I do that. And how do I return an electronic download to you? E-mail it and delete it off my PC.

          Then all of a sudden you have one line about a consultation. Where did that come from? I didn't see any hint of that anywhere.

          And furthermore if people are biting your arm off you wouldn't be offering people you don't know to take a free consultation would you?

          The word dissonance springs to my mind here.

          Dan
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          • Profile picture of the author LloydC
            Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

            Non - Copywriter alert here.

            I didn't really understand what it was all about to be honest.

            At the end you say there is nothing to invest in whatever it is and then say I have a 60 day money back guarantee to return a free report.

            Why would I do that. And how do I return an electronic download to you? E-mail it and delete it off my PC.

            Then all of a sudden you have one line about a consultation. Where did that come from? I didn't see any hint of that anywhere.

            And furthermore if people are biting your arm off you wouldn't be offering people you don't know to take a free consultation would you?

            The word dissonance springs to my mind here.

            Dan
            Yeah I learnt that from Ray, need to talk a lot more about what I'm actually offering. The guarantee bit was supposed to be a bit of a joke. I've still got a lot to learn, guess I'll read up a whole lot more, write some more example sales letters and then go for my first small job on one of the freelancing sites.

            Thanks again everyone!
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            • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
              Hey Lloyd

              I didn't see you were in the UK before.

              Who are you supposed to be aiming at?

              Businesses in the UK or is it the IM sort of crowd?

              Because Businesses in the UK don't respond well to that sort of thing.

              I was looking at some UK Copywriters websites and many are quite boring to be honest.

              Kat Creative - Portfolio - Copywriter in Reading, Berkshire (she lives near me)

              Justin Rogers copywriter - freelance copywriting experience & skills

              Yet when you look at the clients you see Toyota, NatWest, Qantas, Dell as well as small local type companies.

              I bet you could just phone up 5 tradesmen and re-do their Home pages in a weekend for nothing and by Monday you will have 5 customers who will write you a reference.

              Dan
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              • Profile picture of the author LloydC
                Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

                Hey Lloyd

                I didn't see you were in the UK before.

                Who are you supposed to be aiming at?

                Businesses in the UK or is it the IM sort of crowd?

                Because Businesses in the UK don't respond well to that sort of thing.

                I was looking at some UK Copywriters websites and many are quite boring to be honest.

                Kat Creative - Portfolio - Copywriter in Reading, Berkshire (she lives near me)

                Justin Rogers copywriter - freelance copywriting experience & skills

                Yet when you look at the clients you see Toyota, NatWest, Qantas, Dell as well as small local type companies.

                I bet you could just phone up 5 tradesmen and re-do their Home pages in a weekend for nothing and by Monday you will have 5 customers who will write you a reference.

                Dan
                That's a good idea, I mean look at my little crappy site, took me the best part of 10 minutes to make and theirs are only a little bit better. So much help from one little thread, I feel like a leech
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              • Profile picture of the author SpikeS
                Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

                Hey Lloyd

                I didn't see you were in the UK before.

                Who are you supposed to be aiming at?

                Businesses in the UK or is it the IM sort of crowd?

                Because Businesses in the UK don't respond well to that sort of thing.

                I was looking at some UK Copywriters websites and many are quite boring to be honest.

                Kat Creative - Portfolio - Copywriter in Reading, Berkshire (she lives near me)

                Justin Rogers copywriter - freelance copywriting experience & skills

                Yet when you look at the clients you see Toyota, NatWest, Qantas, Dell as well as small local type companies.

                I bet you could just phone up 5 tradesmen and re-do their Home pages in a weekend for nothing and by Monday you will have 5 customers who will write you a reference.

                Dan
                I'm not entirely sure those are good examples? Under "copy samples" on one of those sites the copy written for one company starts with a heading of "About Habitat" which is hardly inspiring. Other samples start almost as dreary.

                The ultimate sales letter book is well worth a read for anyone wanting to learn the basic jist of a sales letter and only costs a couple quid. Bill Glazer also has some decent info you can get for free if you sign up for dan kennedy's "most incredible free gift ever" that comes on a dvd.
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                • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
                  Hey Spike

                  I put those there on purpose.

                  Indeed they may not be great and their own sites are not great.

                  But they are getting some very large corporations to call them aren't they?

                  So really the purpose was to tell Lloyd that he can quite easily get decent mid-sized companies to do work for, especially if they are local to him as all he needs to do is walk in or phone them up.

                  Dan
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