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Help! Spent 2.5 months on my copy and layout, would appreciate feedback

by isharky
8 replies
Worked with my copywriter and designer for over two months on this short copy Teeth Whitening System Discount page. Would look criticism on it and suggestions on how to improve it.

For your reference, they start by doing this survey: Teeth Whitening Discount Survey


Thanks in advance!
#copy #dentist #feedback #layout #months #spent
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    If you've had professionals working on it for that length of time your best feedback will come from testing, and you won't undermine your copywriter and designer by telling them "some complete stranger on a message board said to change this, this, and this".

    But having said that...

    I'd do something about your model's upper lip.
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    • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
      From a quick read, the following things jumped out.

      "Don't let age be a barrier in getting the smile..."

      ...a barrier to getting...

      "Exuberate confidence when you speak up at work, in client meetings or go for a job interview."

      ....meetings or at job interviews.

      From a layman's point of view, I liked it.
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    • Profile picture of the author isharky
      I studied copywriting for many years and have been using it for a long time (but i'm not good at writing it) and my copywriter is one of the top two I have worked with but we know that maybe there are things that we could have overlooked. We also respect the great minds here and respect the opinions.

      Thanks for that tip on the lip, didn't notice it.

      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      ...undermine your copywriter and designer by telling them "some complete stranger on a message board said to change this, this, and this".

      But having said that...

      I'd do something about your model's upper lip.
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    isharky,

    A couple of things to test:

    1.) the model. many of the tests I've run show a brunette to out test a blonde. Also, if your programmer is awesome, I'd have the sex field and age field such that depending on the answer they'd get a different model. For example, a 30 year old mom vs a 70 year grandma would probably respond differently. Same with men. Also, I've seen were attractive female don't preform well. Again, test this. It may make a huge difference.


    2.) Bribe Offer. I don't think this with work very well. Try this instead: FREE KIT, valued at $299 for signing up. As for revenue, sell this lead to a dentist in your area for "X" amount. If the lifetime value works, this model will probably work better.

    Originally Posted by isharky View Post

    Worked with my copywriter and designer for over two months on this short copy Teeth Whitening System Discount page. Would look criticism on it and suggestions on how to improve it.

    For your reference, they start by doing this survey: Teeth Whitening Discount Survey


    Thanks in advance!
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    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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    • Profile picture of the author isharky
      Thanks for the feedback! Based on the survey demographic we've been getting mainly 2 types of participants, young women 25-34 and older women 45-55. And a few men. Should I show a men for the men respondents? I think the image thing should be easy to implement.
      Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


      1.) the model. many of the tests I've run show a brunette to out test a blonde. Also, if your programmer is awesome, I'd have the sex field and age field such that depending on the answer they'd get a different model. For example, a 30 year old mom vs a 70 year grandma would probably respond differently. Same with men. Also, I've seen were attractive female don't preform well. Again, test this. It may make a huge difference.
      This is a good idea and I've been thinking about it the issue is that we don't have dentists covering all the area to always have someone buying the lead. But we still can sell them the lead even if they buy or not because I already have their info.

      Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

      2.) Bribe Offer. I don't think this with work very well. Try this instead: FREE KIT, valued at $299 for signing up. As for revenue, sell this lead to a dentist in your area for "X" amount. If the lifetime value works, this model will probably work better.

      Thank you for the suggestion maximus, I never thought smacking people will help with copywriting writing and conversion but I sure will try!

      We did the copy, design, implement design, survey design and creation, built shopping cart, integrate with payment gateway, created a whole email back end, and our own link tracking system as well as integrate into the third party email system. The copy didn't take everyday for 2.5 months but had to be improve and created as we moved from each phase.

      Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

      2 and a half months to produce this piece of ****?!?

      For starters you should test video vs text

      Why in the hell did it take 2 and a half months to produce a half a page of copy thats pretty much a standard description of the offer, reason why, and heres what you get.

      Somedays I just want to smack people
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    2 and a half months to produce this piece of ****?!?

    It would take one or two concepts pulled from direct mail to stomp it into the ground

    For starters you should test video vs text

    Why in the hell did it take 2 and a half months to produce a half a page of copy thats pretty much a standard description of the offer, reason why, and heres what you get.

    Somedays I just want to smack people
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    who cares about the feedback until you've put some skin in the game.

    grow a pair... get a few bucks, setup some campaigns and start testing.
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  • Profile picture of the author SeanMcAlister
    You have some typos:

    'Use the 3 in 1 Professional Teeth Whitening System and if you do not see 4 shade improvment then send it back for a 100% refund'

    Typo with 'improvement'. Should be 'a 4 shade'.

    Also, something about this phrase jars with me:

    'does instant touch ups'.

    Plus you use it twice.

    Anyway, hope that helped.
    Cheers,
    Sean
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