Short Promo/Solicitation; Would Appreciate Comments

by jgrink
5 replies
This comes at the end of a "Homepage Evaluation Quiz" that visitors have opted to read after a brief email solicitation. They likely have discovered that their "we, our, me, us"-centric homepage needs work and after making suggestions as to how to do it themselves, I come to the rescue with my offer.

Obviously, I want it to be persuasive but, being B2B, I didn't want to go overboard on the copy. As always, thanks in advance for your thoughts.


(last paragraphs of quiz)

"Less than 12: Don't worry; nothing's broken that can't be fixed. Just use the questions above as a checklist and correct those things that need correcting. Keep in mind that capturing your reader's attention and keeping him on your site is a fairly new skill. And it's a very different skill than those possessed by most of the folks who design and build websites. If you're feeling really stuck or stressed, consider consulting with a professional web copywriter to give you some ideas, or even re-write the whole page for you."

Did You Score Under 12 on This Quiz?

"If so, you're probably losing visitors faster than a buttered bullet. If you invest in only one aspect of your business this year, make it your homepage. Keeping visitors on your site, attracting them to your place of business, gathering names for regular emails--this is the way successful businesses are harnessing the power of the web to dramatically increase profits today."

(promo starts here)

Here's An Offer You Can't Afford To Refuse

I'd like to introduce myself to you and I can't think of a better way to wrangle an invitation to your store than to offer you something of great value. So here goes...

I'll re-write your homepage for only $150!
You'll get a warm, welcoming homepage that seduces your visitors like the wafting aroma of fresh-baked bread. A homepage that keeps them glued to your site and eager to learn more about the products and services you have to offer them. A homepage that inspires them to do something that leads to money in your bank account.

You'll start with a one-on-one consultation with me so we can plan our approach together...define your ideal customer and figure out what motivates them, makes them smile. And when your page is finished, I'm not...not until you are 100% satisfied with your new homepage.

Call me right now at the number below or send me an email to reserve you spot. Only 10 lucky business owners will get a new homepage at this low price, then its back to the regular price of $500. I'm looking forward to finally meeting you!

Jerry G.
Freelance Copywriter
Broad Ripple Village, USA
#comments #promo or solicitation #short
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Jerry,

    I'm afraid that after typing up my reply I managed to click the wrong button losing everything I'd written. So you'll have to excuse the following for being rather blunt:

    Your first line's putting the business owner on the defensive ("wrangle an invitation to your store").

    It seems a little overwritten - don't try to force specific techniques in at the expense of the flow of the copy.

    "A homepage that inspires them to do something'" be more specific. I'd probably have established the primary goals of a homepage earlier on, and then I'd refer back to them here.

    Why 10 at $150? Why are you qualified to make the offer? Why should I choose you?

    You've got a couple of errors in your final paragraph.

    I'd consider making the offer a free consultation (maybe even better than free - offer something like a $20 gift voucher to a local restaurant) to act as lead-gen rather than going for the sale straightaway.

    Hope that helps.

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author jgrink
      Great advice, Andrew, it's looking better already. Thanks for your time and effort.

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      • Hi Jerry,

        Just a personal view.

        I wouldn't say "Here's an offer you can't afford to refuse"

        It's very overused, sounds like it could be full of hype, and everyone has heard it stacks of times.

        Also using the word "afford" suddenly means money, cost and expense.

        Which you don't want to get into until the full value and low price has been explained.

        And the first thought many people think is "Oh yes I CAN afford to refuse"

        It also seems to distract from the flow of your piece.

        Why not say - "Here's our very best offer"

        Or something similar.

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        • Profile picture of the author jgrink
          It's very overused, sounds like it could be full of hype, and everyone has heard it stacks of times.
          Steve, thanks for your input. I tend to write [have written?] kind of tongue in cheek and the use of over-used phrases is me trying to be funny. I find that I need to be very careful of this and follow John Carlton's advise that "...if it sounds cute or clever get rid of it." (sic) Kind of like "wrangle an invitation" that Andrew pointed out. Again, many thanks for your efforts on my behalf.

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          • Profile picture of the author jgrink
            Here's what I've come up with:

            Let's talk about your homepage

            We can discuss your ideal customer and figure out what motivates them, what makes them smile...and spend. I'll share some ideas about capturing your visitors' email addresses and turning them from browsers into long-term customers. (And while we're at it we can toss around some ideas as to how to take advantage of all this "Social Media" mania we keep hearing about.)

            The discussion is absolutely free…no obligation on your part. I'll show you some of my work and introduce you to my $150 Homepage Re-Write Special. It's my very best value and a strategy that could pay big dividends to your business.

            Pick up the phone and call me right now and we'll set up a time to chat. Or send me an email at the address below with "Homepage Special" as the subject. I'm looking forward to finally meeting you.
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