Please HELP me!!! Critique my landing page!

7 replies
I changed around my landing page and used a lot of your feedback/suggestions. I also had a professional copywriter do the copy.

Let me know what you think, once again I appreciate the feedback...

MP45

Thanks!
#critique #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Some quick points:

    Above the fold, your red subhead draws attention away from your headline.

    Why's all your body copy centered?

    Break up your bullets (and re-write them - they're boring).

    Get some space in-between your paragraphs.

    Break up your testimonials and give them individual headlines.

    Your subhead graphic draws too much attention to itself, use something simpler.

    The copy itself's bland and awkwardly written - I'd tear it up and start again.
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  • Profile picture of the author TheWrightWords
    I'm obviously not in your target market, so I may be off base, but I don't think your copy is emotional/compelling enough. You skim the "problem" without really evoking an emotional response -- I'd revisit this.
    I'd also break up the large section of bullet points as Andrew mentioned -- when you have that many and they are all in bold, they lose impact.
    Can you add additional images? Testimonials?
    Overall, I'd dig a little deeper, this just feels too superficial to me and unlikely to trigger a buy impulse.

    Great writing sells -- I recently proofed sales page copy for another writer that was for the male pattern baldness market and I wanted to buy the product, even though I am female and have so much hair I need to get it thinned out every few months so I can brush it. That's great copy.

    HTH
    olivia
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    Im in your target audience and I was pretty bored reading it. Dont like how the watermarks cover a part of the abs in your 2 left most before and after pictures, it mentally disturbed me like something was missing or hidden, also shows sloppiness.

    That centering of text looks sloppy as well. Tattoo boy looks sloppy too, how the hell can we see his muscles with all the tats in the way.

    So the overall theme of my review is SLOPPY and uninspiring.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    As I said to someone else who's in this market today, I don't believe you.

    You don't demonstrate the ability to connect with the emotions I'm feeling about my body...

    ...nor do you articulate WHY the body stores fat or HOW people can heal the metabolism to jump-start their body's ability to overcome the sluggish disposition they created.

    "It's all about creating the proper hormonal response to burn fat and build muscle"

    This doesn't even sound like you (or whoever wrote the copy) understand how the body works.

    I could bring up a LOT more, but for now, you need to think about how to demonstrate your authority about all things weight loss and CONNECT with what I'm feeling.

    Mark Pescetti
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I'm going to trust the three review above, though I haven't read a word of the copy itself. Andrew is most often spot on. I haven't seen Olivia around here before but I really liked her take on it. Wait, this is starting to sound like a review on the reviews...

    I do have a point to make though. I think you nailed the layout. I think it's really eye-friendly. Just left justify the text. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    MuscleProdigy,

    Have you tested this copy with traffic? Warm or cold?

    I'd bet the farm it won't convert very well.

    I don't know who this is for.

    Who is the ideal buyer and what is their PRIMARY ISSUE?

    For example, I know and you know that to "get ripped" it's more about diet than anything else. And a lot of people never get ripped simply because they like their beer and chips.

    And I think your buyers know this too. So perhaps you need to go against some major convention.

    Also, perhaps you can target a certain body type that wants to get ripped. For example, "MP45 gets even naturally thick Samoans cut within 45 days".

    And that's the other thing: you need to focus. It's either met fat, get ripped, whatever. But be about ONE thing. You can mention other stuff fruther down in the copy.

    Seriously, I hope this copywriter has a money back deal or is a great friend of yours who'll hook you up with killer bag of weed.
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  • Profile picture of the author FuNwiThChRiS
    I agree with copyassassin...

    Determine your target audience/niche and re-work the copy. You can write well, it's just not focused. Also try and use some higher quality graphics. The page looks low-budget as a result of varying photo quality and the poor font choice. That's my $0.02
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