Critique This Sales Copy 2.0

Richjerk.

If even half the stuff you mention about spending money is true, then just hire a pro to rewrite this.

This copy reeks of BS.

Sorry.

Instead of $5,000 on bottle service, seriously, hire somebody.

If you're cheap, then model some the popular WSOs on this subject.

Also, read all the comments so you can overcome common and specific objections.

Are the newbies that dream about online riches really your target market? In that case, this one might somewhat work.

Except that you go on and on and on about yourself, and very little about how they'll be able to experience the same and about what they must do to become you. That's the part that won't work.

But honestly... I think you got your market wrong.

Hey, just read your sales copy. I may not have many posts here but I do have experience with marketing in general. I can say I don't like this copy as it comes off a bit too cocky.Don't take this in the wrong way, it is effective in a way, however, I think with this method, you'll be interacting with the readers "jealousy." However, this is not the most powerful emotion and certainly not the emotion you want coming from them if they buy your product. There are much more powerful emotions you can tap into with copywriting that can lead to more beneficial consumers.

Wow. My sales letter got torn apart on here but it was far better than this!

anyone who's anyone knows that google changed recently and using "private blog networks" probably isn't a great idea. Most of them got shut down.

All the stuff you talk about breitlings, audis and $2k bottles of champagne might be interesting...but it's just talk. If its true why not put up pictures? Pix of you in your car, with your breitling and pix of you and your $2k bottle of champagne. You probably don't need telling that proof is everything. You know Frank Kern drives around in his porsche and films himself in his mansion-type house for a reason. You can't fake that sh*t (well, technically you could. but you'd need a boat load of cash to do it).

The copywriters here might disagree but I'd use a tried and tested formula for the copy. So far you brag about your finances (without proof) then begin telling me who you are. Frankly, I don't care much, unless your story is going to teach me something I can use and to be fair I didn't read that far.

I'd try and follow something like this:
Tell me what you are offering
Tell me what it will do for me
(In bullet points) repeat Steps 1 and 2
Tell me who you are
Tell me what to do next

Which I found here: The 5-Step Formula For Easy Copywriting | Copy Made Simple

Also your testimonials look fake. All the names are completely random and weird like "aStranger". Doesn't appear real at all and I'm guessing they aren't.

I also think you'd do much better with a "secret/unusual method" or something as that's more believable than a "secret network" which we both know is BS. But I'm not a pro copywriter so what do I know.

Thanks for everyone's input.

The graphics / designs are being created by a top designer.

It seems that some of the input regarding the sales page is about private networks, and whether or not they work post penguin and panda, which they do.

The only reason people are skeptical is because the other networks suck and got penalized.

Let's just say that your copy evoked emotions the wrong way...

ZERO proof, documentation or even the most remote form of
proof is completely unavailable.

One sentence immediately springs out at the back of the
reader's mind...

"Sure, you might be rich, I could believe that, Let's see how it
goes..."

"Let's see how it goes?"

Will your copy be fine with that?
Will your business be fine with that?

Heck, NO!

I'm not telling you to be logical about this. Whoa, thesis,
followed by elaboration, followed by proof and statistics and
numbers.

It's how you and I respond to things.

You're pulling the wool over your reader's eyes. You're
underestimating the intelligence of your customers.

I'm not talking about the "rich jerk" attitude you're trying to
pull off here... I'm talking about the incongruent manner that
you're presenting yourself with.

The subconscious signals bursting out from your copy just
reeks of boasting, unsupported claims, and flying spaghetti
monsters.

Why does someone not buy from you?

It's simple... They don't buy, because they don't believe you.

Everyone loves to buy solutions... but we don't like to be sold.

There are tons of problems with the copy itself... The
presentation isn't good for reading. Large blocks of text
clustered in a paragraph, for example. Some blocks of text that
could have been separated by more sub-headlines to lock in the
scanners...

You need to take a crash-course in gradualization and basic
persuasion. It'll help.

In the meanwhile, hire a copywriter.

Winston Tian

Thanks for your input Winston.

The sales page is not ready for launch yet.

It is just the copywriting that I want criticized.

The landing page will look absolutely amazing when I launch.

Your sales page are filled with negativity. It is as though you are telling your life stories and you hated your life. At least 2/3 of the sales page is about you. I read halfway through sales page and still can't figure out what you are trying to offer.

You need to seriously find someone good to rewrite your copy before you launch your product or you are going to fail.

"How a SECRET Private Network..."

Little redundant. And as far as I can see, you don't ever mention anything about this again in the copy.

This is amazing brilliant too...

"Why? Because I can."

Lead makes the reader immediately dislike you, I think. I get you're trying to model the very successful "Rich Jerk," but you're not doing a very good job. That angle might have lost its pulling power too.

Colm

It's the rich jerk schitck revisited. Didn't like it then, don't much like it now...

I've talked to copywriters who charge $3,000 to $15,000 but they do not understand seo or how private networks work. Even if I tried to explain, they are skeptical about its effectiveness, and this lack of belief conveys in their writing as well.

Ok. I make a point of never reading other reviews before commenting. This is to avoid skewing my observations. That said, there may be redundancies here.

Your sentences are too long.

Your opening is horrible. You are talking about yourself. Your interests. Not your market's interests.

The average business owner has no knowledge of the things you speak of. And no interest.

- 2013 Audi A8 (so what?)
- 'see hundreds of people in line, and walk right into...'

So what?!

Just because other people are standing in line doesn't mean business owners will want to go stand there too. Children and people with unbalanced minds care about those things. Adults don't.

Almost no one cares about Provocateur or Boom Boom Room -- whatever the heck those are. Sure, I could Google Provocateur or Boom Boom Room but why bother? No one reads a sales letter and then runs off to Google the content to find out what the heck the letter is speaking about. They just toss the letter out.

So, your sales letter must enter the conversation already taking place in the minds of your target market...and then merge with or hijack that conversation.

Presenting information that appeals to you (Provocateur or Boom Boom Room) and then expecting the market to care too is a mistake. Discussions of Provocateur or Boom Boom Room are not conversations taking place in the minds of your target market – unless you are intending to sell dating materials perhaps. Get rid of these.

Your prehead suffers a huge disconnect.

First of all you start off with, "How A "SECRET" Private Network Helps A College Drop-Out Rank Websites In Google's..." but do not mention Google until 709 words later. And second, you never come back in this letter at all to mention the significance between your *college* drop and the contents of this letter.

These present huge disconnects for readers.

"Because I can."

Who cares? We don't know you. We don't care about you. No one cares. Tell us WIIFM?

"There is no greater feeling than..."

Wanna bet?

I can think of a dozen things that provide a greater feeling than the hollow existence that comes with trying to impress complete strangers.

205 words in and you jump right into talking about "Who I Am, And Why You Should Even Care," but you fail to realize no one cares. You have not addressed anything remotely of concern to your target market.

"It also helps to rock a Brioni Vanquish suit and a Breitling watch."

What?!?!?

Ok, I had to scroll to the end of the sales letter to find out what you are selling. Pick up artist training? Men's style guides? Or something else? I skipped everything else in between. Seven pages not even looked at. Maybe I'll scroll back up later. But no guarantees.

"Do you want to rank your businesses on the first page, so that you can make many sales, and finally be able to relax for once in your life?"

Ok, so now I know for certain what you are selling, I think. SEO services.

I think whoever wrote this misread The Rich Jerk's guide to writing copy. You are trying to sell 'Bobby' with attitude when you should be selling the value of the product or service.

Also, this letter severely suffers from i-disease. Too many references to "I" and me. Over 80. You address yourself more frequently than you address your reader. Not good.

Poor design. The letter needs subheads to break up the copy.

And many of your paragraphs are way too long. In one case I'm looking at a bloated 72-word, 3-sentence paragraph where 21 words (or less) would work better.

"Alright, I’m going to keep this short and sweet since I’m sure you’re sick of reading by now and just want to go make some money. That’s good."

Liar. Six pages and 1,459 words later and you prove yourself distrustful. You didn't keep this short at all.

"utilized" - Really???? Really? That jumped off the page. Bad word for sales copy. There are probably others. That one simply jumped off the page as I was scrolling.

"I certainly don’t want to help you out THAT much!"

Uhm, why would you ever say such a thing to someone you want to receive money from? People are looking for a knight in shining armor. Someone to rescue them from bad situations. Not someone who openly acknowledges an unwillingness to be of true assistance.

Even if you intend to withhold secrets you must at least provide an air of transparency. Not an air of superiority.

"...finally be able to relax for once in your life?"

This is not believable. Old school hype marketing could pull this off. Today's buyers are more sophisticated. No one believes buying an information product is going to '...finally allow them to relax for once in life.' This is a shallow and unbelievable promise.

This really is a bad letter.

The copy approach is bad. And the letter does not flow. Sounds more like someone just started rambling into Dragon Naturally Speaking and put words together hither and thither. No clear direction or order. No logical sequence. What formula did you follow in writing this letter?

AIDA is a basic formula. At what point would you say you are addressing the interests of the reader? At what point are you addressing their desires?

“Network”? No one interested in SEO benefits wakes up saying to themselves, ‘today I want to buy network.’ You are focusing on self and product when you should be focusing on the desires and concerns of your market.

The letter misses the mark on every level except one. It has the audacity to ask for action at the end. At least you got the order button right. Is the high converting Amazon order button color. But that alone won’t make up for a botched sales letter.

Before you sit down to rework it ask yourself these questions:

What is the objective of this sales piece?
What frustrations or problems are plaguing your target market right now that you can help solve?
What main benefits do you offer?
What copy points resonate with your market?
What's your offer?
Who make up your market?
What level of knowledge does your market already have about you, your company, your offer, and the problems you solve?

Write conversationally.
Avoid trying to 'utilize' gimmicks such as presenting an air of superiority. It doesn't work.

Try being authentic instead.

Your new opening is much much better.

The headline still needs work though. Also, after this point you still jump into talking about yourself too soon. And the attempt at a story involving yourself after this point still isn't interesting. The product needs to be the hero, not you.

After mentioning the great results you've achieved make the product the hero of that success. Take the focus off of you.

Honestly, soon as you jump into 'Who I Am, And Why You Should Even Care' the sales copy becomes painful to read. I could not read it. I jumped from beginning to end. Avoided most of the information in the middle.

From here on out answer the question of what 'system' or method provided the change to your improved lifestyle. Do not talk about Bobby. Talk about the real hero, i.e. the product.

Your sales copy is lacking structure. It comes across as a hodge podge of disconnected information. 'You' the developer are not important. The product benefits are important. Rework this so you are stressing those benefits. Otherwise the material will continue to sound self-absorbed and egotistical.

You may be onto something by painting a lifestyle advantage in this way. However you need to quickly shift to the real hero. You are not the hero. The product is.

Also, if you are die-hard determined to keep to a story format watch the short video in my signature. It's no Hollywood production but will give you a storytelling structure proven to work.

Because I am pretty new to copywriting, I will give you my impressions as I read. First, off, I want to know what is in it for me, but instead you brag about how awesome your life is and how much you make. I want to stop reading.

Why not rather start off with telling me something like ... Imagine waking up and checking your Paypal account to see that you just made $2000 doing practically nothing.

I read through the rest. I have this feeling that English is not your first language. If it is, I shouldn't get that impression from your sales copy. Hope that helps.

Just looked through your copy.

• The headline was way off! You would probably want to make it catchier and smarter.
• Way too much promise! You would want to push in proofs and evidences as much as possible, if you want to earn customer loyalty and build on your brand name.
• No objections answered! It's like a salesperson just blabbering out his campaign without listening to what I am trying to ask for the last 15 minutes.
• Lack of flow! I don't find the smoothness in your copy.
• Lack of the BIG IDEA! Who are you? The product owner, the affiliate marketer or just someone like me? I don't see that integrity and transparency in your copy.

That's just a scratch on the surface. Tell you something, hire someone who knows how to write. It doesn't matter whether he is in the industry for the last 20 years or he is just one year in. All that matters that he feels the process.

Hope this helps.

Ron.