Critique my copywrite please

10 replies
Hey Warriors,

Can you please review my copyright. I did my own copyright because I am new to internet marketing and I am on a very small budget. Can you guys and gals please critique my copywrite so I can know what I can do in order to improve my conversion rate. Also please recommend an affordable copyright service.

Thanks
#copywrite #critique
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Originally Posted by B2BEcharger View Post

    Hey Warriors,

    Can you please review my copyright. I did my own copyright because I am new to internet marketing and I am on a very small budget. Can you guys and gals please critique my copywrite so I can know what I can do in order to improve my conversion rate. Also please recommend an affordable copyright service.

    Thanks
    Interesting product but lousy pitch. BTW - it's "copywriting" NOT "copywrite" or "copyright service".

    Starting your pitch with this line is a distinct turnoff - "ARE YOU TIRED OF ALL THE ONLINE ELECTRIC SUPERCHARGER SCAMS?"

    Initially I was confused to what exactly you were selling - a manual or the supercharger itself.

    The video is not doing you any favors.

    Pity because it looks like you know what you're doing.

    Best thing you can do is beg/borrow/steal the funds for a decent copywriter and a decent graphic designer. This site doesn't cut it.

    "Affordable copywriting service"? Thats not what you want. Pay peanuts and you'll get monkeys. The best investment you can make in your business at this stage is on copywriting/design/marketing that will move product out the door.
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    • Profile picture of the author B2BEcharger
      Seeing that I did this myself I had plan to sell some ebooks to earn enough money to have the copy done by a professional. The company I had talked with wanted $6,000 for web design and copy. So for now I will just have to try to make it the best I can myself. Thanks for the advice.
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      DIY Electric Supercharger Plans.

      http://b2belectricsupercharger.com/

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  • Profile picture of the author n8
    Neat page my friend. Is there a capture page that leads me to this page? If not I would create a capture page to keep in touch with your prospects.

    I would split test with you making a video and putting it at the top of the page. In the video you can create rapport and a connection with your prospect. Just say what you have written down on your page.

    I know it can be a dawnting task to be in front of the camera for some, but I think you would be good at it.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    You've gotten a comment that this is a "neat page." That's nice but it's not nearly neat enough to sell much. I understand you're on a budget but you can get a decent mini site done on this forum for as little as $25. That would give you a nice themed template and your overall presentation would be far better.

    You're copy isn't bad though it needs considerable work. For example, I'm aware of the plans for a supercharger product that's been spammed all over the planet in the past six months or so.

    I'm assuming that's what you're referring to when using the word scam. Develop that a little without naming the competitor. Since you're in the same market as the scam operators you're going to have to show how you're different. People will be skeptical and will expect your to prove your claims. That's one thing your copy is missing. You'd also do well to get someone to edit and proofread it. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author netvicar
    As stated, it seems you know what you are doing as far as the product goes. That's a good thing. And you are on a good track in trying to speak authentically to readers.

    However, the home page needs some work. It wasn't until I went to the FAQ that I understood what you are selling. Good info there. Many of the points should be part of the main sales letter.

    1) Your copy needs to be more clear about what you are selling.

    2) You need to rework your emotional angle. The letter assumes the reader is aware of scams and is motivated by fear of those scams. Is that true? Is that really a concern of theirs? Is that fear the main driving force encouraging your buyers to search for this type of information? Probably not.

    I bet your readers are motivated by gains in performance, satisfaction of DIY, getting even with greedy oil barons by increasing performance and decreasing fuel waste, or some other driving force.

    A fear of online electric supercharger scams is probably not their motivation. Change the desire to match the most common fears and concerns and desires of your readers.

    3) Since you have a single product to sell, this probably could be sold much better from a simpler setup. Use a mini-site design instead. Stick with a landing page and no other pages aside from TOS, contact page. So basically your site would consist of your initial landing/squeeze page, main sales letter and possibly an OTO, upsell, downsell, then your TOS/legal page, and contact page. An About page is nice option too. If you are using the services of a 3rd-party payment provider you may need additional pages as mandated by the payment processor.

    4) Your page lacks proof.

    5) Eliminate "we." Rework the copy to address the reader, not yourself. Focus on the benefits your product brings.

    6) You need a stronger offer. This is not an irresistible offer that is so attractive only a lunatic would reject the offer:

    Get instant access to this amazing set of plans in convenient PDF document form now for the low price of just $26.99. The information by itself in this awesome instruction manual far outweighs the price for any other electric superchargers. So get started today with your performance goals by ordering the book and instantly download your copy of the
    B2B Electric Supercharger Manual now!!! Remember there are no other electric supercharger or electric turbocharger plans like ours because ours are the best. We are the real deal because our products will prove themselves. Get the book get the boost!!!
    7) 'Best' is subjective. You need to be more specific. Specificity sells.

    8) There's no guarantee, no risk reversal.

    9) Where's your social proof or demonstration proof? The video does not tell a story. Nor does it prove anything to those of us who know nothing about superchargers.
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    • Profile picture of the author B2BEcharger
      Thanks you guys for the suggestions. I guess for now I will try to rewrite the copywrite. However I wish I could find someone I could pay a to do this for me effectively. Anyone does copywrite?
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      DIY Electric Supercharger Plans.

      http://b2belectricsupercharger.com/

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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by B2BEcharger View Post

        Thanks you guys for the suggestions. I guess for now I will try to rewrite the copywrite. However I wish I could find someone I could pay a to do this for me effectively. Anyone does copywrite?
        There are many here who write copy. Probably would be best to state what your budget is and people will contact you privately. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author siestakey
    i am doing this business of copywrite,you can contact me via Pm...
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  • Profile picture of the author MADEXMEN
    Was going to read it but the headline was too off-putting.

    Don't use the three questions formula until after your headline! Make one with a powerful benefit, and then you can get into hitting those pain points.
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    • Profile picture of the author Keyword Candy
      I would change the headline as well. Try some ones out and then monitor conversions. What ever makes more money is always the best for me!
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