Damn, this is a pretty solid product... TONS of proof and demonstration.

It's literally waiting to blow up...

Your headline needs some serious work. It only mentions features.

Unless your product is already famous, the name of your product in the headline is a mistake. Plus, the name is not even benefit-oriented. Your prospects want the results of a muscle memory training system...they don't care too much about the "how".

Headline needs work...I see only the name of the product. It doesn't make any sense to me. Just like any generic product in the market.

Lead does NOT bring any emotion...It doesn't catch me and coerces me to read on.

Mid-body copy needs to be explicative...I don't see you as an expert. I only see the product and a decrepit attempt to sell.

Call to action...doesn't really push me to buy your product.

Use those images and your testimonials to the best of your advantage.

A lot of work needs to be done.

Ron

I think you could rework the beginning. But overall, pretty effective I would say.

I've incorporated some of your suggestions:

-Moving testimonials & credibility to the top of the page
-Changed the headline

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...S4-i7P7fA/edit

Better? What do you think of using a testimonial as the headline?

I liked this testimonial because it has an element of intrigue and addresses both beginner and advanced players.

...the graphics are just placeholders...

Many comments fall on deaf ears...such is life.

Onwards.

This product is interesting Gene, but the letter does need some work.

If this was my letter, I would make it look like an article by placing testimonials on the right side of the page.

You could use a portrait of the creator of the product above the testimonials with a caption too.

I believe with your target audience the article style sales letter would pull much better.

Next, I would be more descriptive with the subheads.

What Is "Muscle Memory"?

How Amazing "Muscle Memory" Training Can Add 50+ Yards to Your Drive

Bonus: A Free Wedge

Here I would add more benefits of the wedge. Make it sound like something a golfer would love to have in their bag the next time they play golf.

The head could also use some work

Bonus: Free Dream Wedge When You Order Today

I would also add a stronger sounding benefit of owning the Dream Swing in your guarantee, if you can?

Hit A Longer, Straighter Stroke Or Your Money Back. Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Finally, I would add a video of the Dream Swing in action. I bet your conversion rate would shoot through the roof if you used a video as proof.

Good luck with your launch

I will say that I am probably in your target market. I have been a golfer for just a few years now. I am sure my swing needs a lot of work, but there's nothing in your sales letter that makes me want to buy it now! I actually got bored reading it 1/4 of the way through, and would have left the page if I was a normal consumer. Almost information overload. All I want to know is that it will help me beat my friends on the course.

I am also new to writing copy so I am not going to give you any tips on what to change, but I wanted to give you an opinion from the eyes of a potential customer.

Gene,

your copy is getting better and better with the revisions, but there are two things about it still to be addressed: lack of targeted emotional push buttons and wordiness that dilutes the emotional impact as well.

your headline is weak. referring to Arnold Palmer is a good idea, but its not strong enough in itself. your main headline MUST speak to the emotions of the reader.

golfers are very compeititive, for example. so if i ask you right now "Gene, what is the CORE EMOTION that you are targeting with your copy?" can you answer me.

not only should it be in your headline, you need to be hammering away at it from different angles throughout your copy. also your copy would benefit from a great real life story, not just quotes and testimonials.

the other thing i am calling "wordiness" is more about failing to write with high impact words. i am calling it wordiness because the high impact writing is an art and akin to writing fiction.

for example: Steve walked into the room. Steve blew in like a tornado looking for revenge. Steve won the game. Steve nailed the final shot and the entire arena jumped up at the same time and began screaming their heads off.

a good honest editor can help you with the wordiness.

btw if you have not read this classic golf sales letter by John Carlton, and not just read it but reread it many times and studied it for why and how it works, then i would suggest you take a weekend and focus solely and completely on it. it will change your copywriting life, i assure you (it did mine ). heres a link to this magnificent sales letter:

OHP Direct - Golf Instructional - Golf School - Golf Training - Golf Teachers - Golf Tips - Lower Scores -

cheers, much success, david alan ramsdale, m.a.

No problem, glad to help. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

I can appreciate you want a copy critique.

I have a couple questions:

1. Wouldn't video be a better medium to put your best marketing foot forward?

2. It would seem since you don't have an exclusive over this and you've got some pretty significant competition. You might want to consider integrating a presell strategy? Maybe teaching people how to use it before they have one?

- Rick Duris

Update rewrite (8/29): Version 4 - This is a completely new approach... the transition to long-form sales letter is complete... my B2B short-form training was holding me back... I just need to flesh out a few more bullets and fine-tune the call to action... eager to hear what you think...